Thoughts....

I was laying next to a very grumpy 4 year old tonight as he tried to go to sleep. While musing the whole situation with him and his "attitude" I had a few thoughts of my own. He is such a stubborn kid and very impetuous like someone else I know. Gee, wonder where he gets all of that from??

I let my mind wander back to days probably in early January or February of last year when I was out walking and it was so hard to keep going. I remember when I thought 2 miles was amazing! Shoot, 30 minutes was amazing! It wasn't easy but it was challenging and I was doing it. I pushed through what was hard for me. Now I am at this spot that I am struggling with and was picturing myself standing in front of a huge black wall...It is THAT which keeps me from moving ahead and somehow, someway...I have got to find that "girl"...the stubborn, impetuous girl and tell her to kick that sucker out of the way...because I have things to be doing. I don't have time to be stuck in this mire I am in. I am not giving up...I am not! That half marathon in January is going to be unbelievably hard now because I just did an absolute "stand still" but the "old Amy" would say..."give up...you can't make it." I know I CAN! I may be dragging my ass across that finish line and the only faces I'll see are the ones I treasure the most left at that crossing...but I am going to finish and I am NOT GIVING UP! I am doing this. Screw the "t-shirt"...it's about finishing the race I started.

Selfish Lady Sends....

Floating on my back...

...in the ocean...looking at the stars feeling very lost. That's how I feel lately. The motions gently pick me up and down but I am drifting and not really going anywhere but the water creeps over my face sometimes and it startles me and I feel I might drown. I tell my husband the "mist" is at my door. That green, glowing scariness that has found it's way to the threshold of my life at times has returned and I feel overwhelmed. This one is a doozy. Depression is an evil thing and I wish so many times that it had a physical form so I could face it, stare it down, stab it, beat it and destroy it. It doesn't work that way unfortunately. I have to go through the motions of my every day existence and pretend to be okay when it seems those moments of utter failure sweep over me more and more often and I feel so alone. My only saving grace is that I know this passes...it always does but then I wonder how much damage I do to myself while I am waiting for that to happen...just how much self destruction emotionally and then physically (because eating well and exercising are so far off my radar) will I do while this thing is here.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.........if only there were magic pill. Something to take and make it all better and make life amazing and "centered" all the time. That's not the case...this is my "cross" and always has been. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who is a light in my darkness who is a patient man when life is sucking me under. I don't wish he really understood because that would mean that he too has some taste of this but yet...if only he knew the great pain in my heart at times that I wish I could just give away and never have back.

Putting it out there....

As we lay down the other night my sweet husband asked me how I was doing on my half marathon training. I told him it was slow...BIG understatement. I then proceeded to tearfully pour out my heart to him. I think I am a bit burnt out and wishing that I could just be this person right now and be done with this battle. I am so tired of fighting. I wish I could be this weight, wear what I want to and cook what I want to and bake and do all those things I love without this weight loss battle being the center of my universe as it has been the past year. I have people tell me I inspire them, I am their hero...etc...etc...etc... I don't want to be any of that. I just want to be AMY. I just want to be the girl I have always been...me. I don't want my life to be all about this anymore BUT...there are somethings in this world we aren't given a choice about...and the "battle of the bulge" is one that I was dealt by genetics, or whatever...but it's NOT going away ever no matter how thin I get. I am trying to muddle through finding some compromise...a place where I can exist and stay here but not be so constantly overwhelmed with trying so hard. There is just no way around the fact that I have to exercise regularly or my body suffers. I have gained some of my weight back and my 12's are tight! I told a friend of mine that I will go naked before I buy a larger size. I am just NOT going to do it. I also have to continue to eat right. There are parts of me still that I don't mind the few pounds I gained because it beats the sagging skin...like I have some boobs now...sorta...and a butt...but not diggin' the little muffin top thing! Where is that magic wand? Don't I wish I could say..."okay fat...fill in a little here but not there...and oh yeah..over here but stay away from there." LOL

This time is still so different than any other time in my life because I am not a fat girl anymore...don't feel like one and refuse to go back there. I just need to remind my hand of that when it picks up things and goes searching for my mouth. Ha!Ha!

Selfish Lady Sends.............

Struggling Along

I have been floundering and looking for a reason. It's like standing in a giant, empty whare house that echos calling out..."reason....reason....where are you?" "I have to find you so I can get back on track". I was sitting here earlier and of course so many things go through my head constantly but something just filled me up with strength and pushed me out the door. I feel 100% just because I got out and did what I needed to do even though I didn't feel like it. I will admit...I woke up and dressed for it as I always do but I was hedging a little. I went for a good walk and actually ran quite a bit. I was amazed at the ease with which I could run. The only issue I was having was with my pants falling off. They slide off every time I run and it gets distracting. I am going to have to find something that actually stays on me...either that or some duct tape.

I understand now and believe that goals are important. Once you reach one...you have to grab hold of another no matter what it is. I have been really satisfied with my weight loss and so let up on myself ALOT. The consequence of that is that I have gained honestly...like 8 pounds. I still fit in my size 12's but they are snug and I don't like that. I also have my half marathon in 2 months and so 8 pounds is not going to make me lighter on my feet by any means. Before I had this number...and then I got to this size that I really love. I love being a 12...not a chubby 12 but a "clothes fit well" 12. I am built in such a way that my large frame and a size 12 are a perfect match. Satisfaction however has gotten the best of me though so I need to whip my ass back in shape a bit.

So I set a goal by February to lose 13 pounds. That will put me under my "happy weight" but set me up well for my half marathon in January. It also gives me something to focus on. Kent and I are also going to do something fun with just us for our anniversary and perhaps it'll make just that much "hotter" for him. ha!ha!

This "place" I am at right now is that scary place I have been before...over and over but NOT giving in to it. I am going to let my strength over take my weakness.

Selfish Lady Sends......

Candles and A Bubble Bath

What a lucky girl I am. Do I say that enough? I got to cuddle Justin last night. I am grateful for the nights he lets me because on the nights I have to work I miss out on those little snuggles. I must have fallen asleep and woke up to someone tugging on my leg. Kent woke me up and when I came downstairs and in our room I smelled the distinct smell of burned matches. I didn't see any lit candles in our room but soon found a bathtub filled with hot water and candles all set up for me. What a great guy! After a day of baking all day long. (114 cupcakes, coconut cream pie and 3 homemade whole wheat pizzas) I was wiped out tired! He's a keeper!

By the way...cupcakes went to my daughter's school for a dinner-fund raiser, the coconut cream pie went to a friend and the pizza was for our family! It was really good pizza too if I don't say so myself! :)

Selfish Lady Sends...

Yes...yesterday WAS good!

Now to move on today.

When I opened up my blog the song "Amazed" was playing. That is "our" song. Kent's and mine. That is actually the song that I walked out to when we were married. Logan was only 2 and he pulled me out of the room where I was waiting to come out when it was time. I have sweet memories of that day! It is awesome to still be completely melted by the one you love and to have each day get better and better. Sigh.... I am such a sap!

I am baking 8 dozen cupcakes today! How's that for a health conscience persons nightmare! It's my contribution to my daughter's spaghetti supper at school for the band. It's their big fund raiser. I have to work tomorrow night so it's the least I can do. I am making 2 doz. lemon, 4 doz chocolate, and 2 doz. vanilla cream.

Is it awful to say that I am not completely upset with the few pounds I gained? I just wish I could distribute it better. I love that I have a little back in my boobs! Check! Filled in some of that awful saggy skin on the butt! Check! I just don't like it at my waist...it's just a little bit...nothing major. 5 pounds now makes a huge difference though...on my smaller body. I told my daughter that I am at this happy weight and hate the skin so if it's filled in some it doesn't hurt my feelings so much. I have no idea when the day will come that I can afford plastic surgery but I definitely look forward to it. There are some things I just don't know which I'd rather have...loose skin or fat... Okay...I know I'd take the skin but it's just well...I can't stand it honestly. I go up the stairs and I can hear my arms flap at my sides, or if I don't have a bra on...I hear my boobs flap, or my legs. This happens when I run. I hear it...I am sure no one else does but it's embarrassing.

Oh well, baby steps. This is all part of the process. Good and bad. Forgive my candor on here but I am all about "reality"!

Selfish Lady Sends........

Today...so far, so good...

There have been too many bad days lately so I am cheering today for a GOOD day and telling myself it better stay that way. I also had a great walk this morning. Fortunately my hip didn't bother me too much. I stretched out pretty good before hand so I think that helped out.

Lately I have been having silly thoughts. The holiday party for my husbands work should be coming up next month and I am actually excited at the prospect of going. I was looking online at "little black dresses" and daydreaming of black heels. I can actually go and buy a dress off the rack in the regular department and that amazes me. The picture I posted yesterday or day before was a Christmas party for his work I believe so very long ago. (2000 maybe) I think I found a "stretch velvet" skirt at Walmart in size extra-extra-extra big and hoped it fit. I borrowed jewelery from friends and did all I could but still felt so diminished on the arm of the man that I adore. It is so sad to feel humiliated to be "yourself" but that is how I felt for years. I am blessed to have the partner, love and best friend in the world that I do in my husband. He has loved me above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He has never, ever made me feel "less than". He has done all he could to make me feel loved and wanted and desired but I can't help how I have felt about myself. I have missed out on opportunities to see him advance in rank because I didn't want to go to his work. I was ashamed to be seen as his wife. I felt like I have this amazing person in him and he just deserved better than he had in me but I couldn't get my crap together. Now...I just want to loop my arm in his and say " Hey, here I am... I am Kent's girl". My feelings of course were all about me...not about him. Those feelings started long before he ever became part of my life and I am sorry that I have felt that way but it's a reality. Now he has this wild and crazy woman to deal with who can't get enough of him or life itself! :) He probably wonders where I have been! (giggle!)

There are ugly memories I have and I don't want to keep them fresh in my mind yet they keep me grounded. Sometimes when I am being really stupid I wonder how I can continue not doing what I know I should when I have these dark stories in my past. The truth is...I have no answer for that. I just know that I now have an attitude of not letting anything overcome or destroy or direct me. It is what it is...acknowledge it's presence deal with it and move on.

My personality has not changed as some may think it has. I just show it now instead of hiding it. So if folks are scratching their heads going..."who is this?"...Well, this is who I am. I have always had a nutty, loud, dance around the room, irreverent, crazy, shoot from the hip personality. There are so many things I have wanted to do with my life/in my life but didn't because "whatever" said I shouldn't. I'll have no more of that! I will stand at the end of my life knowing I lived it! I decided what was best for me and made my own choices. I am a butterfly! Butterflies are free to fly! I have lots of flying to do. I am blessed with an amazing children and an amazing husband who can explore life with! My journey is not all about how much weight I can take off! It's about knowing who I truly am, learning more of my Saviour and trying to be more Christlike in my dealings with others and myself. I want to be a better person.

Gentle Reminders...

Sometimes digging through all drawers I come across something that "shocks" me. This picture would be one of them. It's a reminder to me of where I have been and where I don't want to be. I remember the night very well too. I remember the struggle to find something to wear that didn't make look fat and the hope that I wouldn't look "too awful". Looking in the mirror I had the sinking feeling that no matter what I put on I just wasn't good enough and I hated that feeling. I can't believe that I even posed for pictures and REALLY can't believe we paid for them. I am glad I have them now because they tell me that I HAVE COME A LONG WAY! It also helps me to acknowledge the changes I have made in how I see myself. Sometimes when I look in the mirror...I see the girl in this picture and by that I mean...I see my imperfections. After all this...Wow! I don't have a perfect body! Who'd have thunk! It'll never be but that's okay. I am struggling lately with trying to find a balance with home/work (new job) and being okay with my new body and continuing on my journey. It is really hard and a challenge moment by moment. As I have said before...there is no "finish line"...I will never be there. I am a work in progress and from here until there is no breath left in me...the point must be that I am making "progress" and moving ahead in my journey. I pick myself up...dust off when I fall...and move along. I believe in others...I must continue to believe in me.

Selfish Lady Sends.....

My Mojo....Where's my "Mojo"

If you see it...can you send it home please! It seems to be missing! I need it back!

Pink, Pinkity Pink!

That be my hair! I dyed it for fun! Self expression...whatever YOU WANT TO CALL IT! I was feeling my "inner wild child" so I took it out on my hair. Notice I don't have much hair left and that is because it has been wacked off! I have lost so much hair that my once head of thick, full hair is no longer. In my effort to manage it and attempt to slow down the loss I cut it short! It has helped some but not as much as I would like. I don't know if the loss is due to my weight loss, or what but it has been significant and I hope it stops!

Anyway...I wanted to do something crazy...and this is my "way". I could get crazier but I'll left at this...for now! You never know what I'll do..."cuz I'm cool like that! :)

Seriously...I have waited my entire life to just do whatever the heck I want to...and here I am. Why at the age of 43 years old have I finally give myself permission to be free to do some things is beyond me. Those who love me can take or leave it! That's where I stand on the matter!

New Shoes and Pushing On

I have come to believe this journey is almost like a current in the ocean. Sometimes you have to decide to either kill yourself trying to swim against it or just stop for a moment and go with it. It all goes back to what my friend/councilor Arty told me back in Cape Cod. He told me to acknowledge things instead of pushing them away constantly. Pushing things away and fighting them seems to make them stronger and more powerful. It's the power of resistance. So I have had a couple of crappy weeks and I sit here and admit that I have gained 5 pounds because I just have been letting the current take me and honestly...it has been easier than fighting it. The cool thing is that I KNOW that I am not defeated in that. Before....5 pounds meant 10, meant 20, meant I GIVE UP...HOPE IS LOST....because I was so busy fighting the current or whatever this mysterious "thing" is that I can't see I am fighting. There is no point in that. It is whatever is...and I have decided there will be these moments like this. I have to let them be there, acknowledge them, and then move on.

I was walking the other day and thinking about "The Biggest Loser" and how Jillian gets in people's faces sometimes and tries to dig down as to why they do some of the things they do. Now I am not a million dollar trainer, or councilor or anything else for that matter. So my thoughts on this are just the thoughts of a former fat girl...so take them for what they are worth. I do believe we don't always HAVE a reason. We just do it ... BECAUSE. Doesn't that sound like a child? "Why do you do that?" ...."I don't know?.....just because!" I remember being a little girl and being asked why I was moody. I didn't have a reason for my mood other than being in a thoughtful state of mind at the time. In my mind it wasn't a bad thing but I guess to others perhaps my sudden change to sullen and quiet meant "something was wrong" when in reality that was far from the truth. When I was challenged on "what I had done" or "why I was in such a mood" I would finally just come up with whatever excuse to satisfy the asker. It wasn't really the reason, it just made the person inquiring stop asking. I feel this way about this "BECAUSE" now....perhaps there is not really a reason that is deep and dark and mysterious. I may eat at times things I am not supposed to because I want to, or I feel like it, or I am in a munchie mood. If that is how it is...then okay. I am not saying that I don't want to control this. I am saying that I don't want to beat myself up and throw away everything I have worked for because of it. So I am acknowledging my screw ups. I suck sometimes! But it's okay...I have done amazing things and will continue...and I believe in myself now and love what I do. I love my walking and my exercising and all the feelings it gives me. So I accept my little "bad times" because I am not defeated in any way by them. I am fueled.

I am fueled enough to spend way to much on new shoes. Crazy expensive! I am so excited though to NOT have aching arches and shin splints! My half marathon is 3 months away now and so much to do in preparation for that. I need the shoes to get them broken in for that. The old ones I have have seen me through how many pounds? I think they were worth every penny! I just can't argue with that. Many, many miles were put on those lucky shoes!

I am blessed. There are absolutely now words to describe how I feel. I mentioned a while back the feeling of the wind right before a storm lifting me up and pushing me on. If I could just give you that visual and tell you to close your eyes and feel that wrapping around you and lifting up and giving you the power to go on. That's how I feel so many times. I know it comes from deep down inside me, it comes from the love of my family but it comes from my loving Savior who I know watches over me. I know he knows me, he knows my battles, my weaknesses, my strengths. He knows the whole story in the book of my life and yet he loves me. I am learning to find that same Christlike love for myself.

Lastly...for my sweet husband who I know will be nosey and read this. He always does...
Thank you... You know that as far as I am concerned...you hung the moon, and the stars. You are my best friend and stand by me through it all. I absolutely love being wild and crazy with you. I don't know how it is...the older we get...the wild and crazier we get! Ha!Ha! I guess that means it can only get better! :) How cool is that? Just wanted to remind you...as if you really needed it...that I love you and I am grateful for all you do for me and our family! You're Amazing!

There is NO FINISH LINE.....

It's been a crazy 10 days. I had a stomach bug and it made me feel all kinds of yuck. Then Friday I decided to go for a walk. My intention was to do about 4 or 5 miles and then go to the gym. I ended up doing 10.36 miles because I just felt like I could. I don't usually have days like that. My long walks are planned. I have water, and provisions and I allow myself the time, etc. The one walk just sort of "turned out that way" and it felt wonderful. It made me realize that my half marathon will be absolutely doable. If I had the time I could have done another 3 miles on that Friday and actually done that half right then and there but I needed to finish to get J from school. Then the not so fun hormonal adventures begin which I notice every month throw me for a huge loop. It's like clock work. I seem to fall apart at the same time every month and this one is no exception. I feel like one giant zit, and I don't feel well, not eating well, not exercising well...and crumbling. SUCKS!

Today I decided to pull myself up by my boot straps and go for a walk to my "thinking spot" before I headed off to the gym. I needed to collect myself and though I don't feel that great I knew I needed to push myself. This whole journey has been about pushing myself beyond the limits of what is comfortable sometimes. It was one of those days and I needed the pushing. I was out amongst the trees and the squirrels and the lake and just doing my thing thinking like I do. Sometimes I feel like I wrestle with a great Russian bear. There are other times I picture myself trying to grab bubbles that are floating around me...I can see them and though they are "tangible" I just can't quite get them and if I do...they are fragile and can pop if I'm not careful.
I understand now that there is no finish line. There is no end to this and I think in some small way I am struggling with that. I am trying to find a comfortable place to be where I can not push myself quite so hard but still be where I am at. There is one voice that says I should push myself to still hit that BMI mark of 25 because that is a goal I set for myself and I should at least finish that goal. HUGE part of me says yeah I should but other part of me says...WHY? I am really happy with the size I am other than the stupid skin which I loathe...and if I pushed myself to get to that weight, it would only be to say..."okay I did it" and then I'd want to get back to where I am comfortable which is where I am right now. So it makes no sense at all to do that. It's like I am having to learn how to be able to decide that it's okay to adjust my goals and be happy with them even if they are not as extreme as I thought they were going to be in the first place.

I have had this bad 10 days and the scale has finally shown it. I could rationalize it and say it's because I have a "visitor" but I know what I have eaten AND I know that I have not exercised to my usual the past 10 days. So my visitor is NOT the problem. I have to step it back up to push that back down a notch and put it back in it's place.

I decided started tomorrow just for giggles I think I will actually record my weight on here and do my food diary until I get bored with it! LOL Sometimes it helps to journal and keep track of food intake to re-evaluate what's going on.

Someone recently said to me that they had no idea that I ever had any "down" times with all of this. They thought it was smooth sailing all the time. I had to laugh at that. I fight this just like any one else does and by no means is it easy. My scale can creep up 3 pounds and back down and I can have good days, weeks...and then really bad ones. I hope that none of my dear friends ever look at me and think I was some how propelled straight forward because that would be so far from the truth. I am sure there is plenty of dirt in my nails where I have had to claw and dig my way through the trenches. Coming to the understanding that it won't ever be over is huge for me now. I can't ignore it...push it to the side or say "I'm there" because I'll never be "there". There is no "there" to be. There just isn't this magic line to cross over and say "I'm done". I can enjoy, and find happiness and peace but have a sense of awareness that I must always be in charge of my life, my body and my health. The only way to do that is to know what is going on constantly and continue the huge life changes I have made. There IS NO FINISH LINE!

Such a difference

Sometimes it's hard to see just how much I have changed unless I can put these images side by side. So I thought I would do that for you. What a difference, huh?

Lately, I have enjoyed walking with a friend who has been working on making some changes in her life. We went to the store together and I showed her some "good things" that might help her on her journey. I am so happy to be given that opportunity because I want to help and I want to share what I know. This is the greatest gift I have given myself...and I just want to pass it along.
It's too amazing not too. :)

I am tickled now...

I spent time with a trainer today. I got my "body" age done and I have the body of a 37 year old! Not bad, huh? The bigger deal for me is...I am now only 20.2 % body fat! woo hoo! I am like .7% away from what is considered "excellent" for body fat composition! Go Amy...Go Amy...it's your birthday! It's your birthday! Just kidding! That seriously makes me happy! But really, she was using calipers and was measuring me and said...uh..."there is really not that much there."

So we are going to work on building my body and increasing my muscle mass. Now that I have these very few last pounds to go there is just a transition that will be taking place. I took my book to her where I have been writing down what I eat. She said I eat great but recommended that I eat more complex carbs instead of cereal and bread. Oatmeal is a better choice instead of cold cereal. Brown rice is better than a high fiber pasta because of the processing. Even bread...though high fiber...has still been processed quite a bit which makes sense. Egg whites, 3 or 4 of them too should be added. I eat egg whites...but not that many in the mornings so I will be eating a pile I guess! Ha!Ha! I suppose for muscle building I will be looking at more protein and less carbs. I will have to have some though because of my training for the half marathon. I starve if I don't some. I'll just to make sure that what I do eat is very complex in nature...GOOD CARBS!

Someday, when I am RICH....or get a lucky break...or am crazy enough to go in to debt for it, I'll get my surgery to take off all the extra skin and fix the damage I have done through years of being fat. It's hard to not be really angry with myself but ANGER will not change anything. It doesn't erase stretch marks, make loose skin retract, boobs inflate, etc. It just doesn't happen that way. The only thing I can do is work really hard on the body and muscles underneath and when it's time for that happen...I'll be in great shape and the transformation is going to be magical.

Keep on rockin'

Selfish Lady Sends...

It gets better...everyday..

Thank goodness. The fog is lifting.

173 pounds now. I have now lost 113 pounds since Nov. 2008. I sat down and wrote out my goals the other day and one of them included losing the last 10 pounds which will put me at 165. I guess if I am at 173, I only have 8 to lose now for that goal.

I am trying to walk 20 miles a week. This week I have gotten up at 5 in the morning and getting about 4.5 miles in before the kids get up. It's very magical to walk under the stars and moon. I get spooked at times but love being out then before the world "awakens".

I talked to a trainer at the gym and am going to set up a meeting with her to "re-evaluate" where I am at. I am looking forward to that. I'll find out where I am at as far as body fat goes. She uses calipers which I think is a better test than that machine they used the first time. I like this trainer much better. She did ask me to write down EVERY thing I eat because she wants to have an idea of how she can help me tweek my eating habits to help me reach my goals. Of course my main goals now are these regarding my health and fitness....

Lose rest of weight to get to 165 lbs. (so now 8 more pounds)

Shape, define muscle mass and build muscle.

Train for half marathon.

Walk 20 miles a week and gym 3 x's week doing weights, and abs/core concentration.

Funny, now that I am back on track eating like I normally do, I have discovered that I really don't eat that many calories. It averages less that 1400 a day. Factor in to that my exercise...there is a huge deficit. I eat very well, and plenty...I just don't super high calorie foods...

I have also discovered something fun and yummy. It's what I call "Snack Soups!" Lately I have been taking my left over roasted vegetables and making soup with them. The other night it was a mixture of sweet potato and carrot. Last night I made roasted cauliflower so with the leftovers I made soup. It's all basically done the same way. I sweat down some onion and garlic in a pan that has been sprayed with olive oil flavored cooking spray. Then I add in my roasted vegetables along with chicken stock and kosher salt and course black pepper. I let it cook just a little bit but not too long because I don't want the veg's to lose their nutrients. Then I add in about 1/2 a cup of non-fat, evaporated milk. I put it in a blender and puree' it. It makes a yummy cream soup. I can eat a cup of that and it's 75 calories or LESS and is full of vegetables. The cauliflower one I actually added a small piece of lean ham to from our dinner. I did a spinach soup the same way on Saturday and added a piece of crispy turkey bacon for flavoring and it was yummy. Just a super easy way to get vegetables in. I make enough for a couple of servings and put it in the fridge. Asparagus will be NEXT on the list....yummers....

Have a great day!

Selfish lady sends...

Just wanted to proudly share a pic or two!

Finally have my T-shirts! Hoorah! Can't wait to put them on and walk in to the sunset for miles and miles!

Selfish Lady Sends......

Digging my way out...

Last night I felt like I had been hit by a train and honestly I probably looked it. I did something I haven't done in forever and that is took a bubble bath by candlelight. I needed the time to just sit alone and ponder all the jumbled up things going on in my head and heart right now. It was actually really good for me because I had some provoking thoughts that are helping me see clearer today. I wanted to record those thoughts so later when I am "freaking out" I can read them and try to use them to center myself.

One of the biggest things that really came to me last night was this....
I am here RIGHT NOW! I will NOT be controlled by my past. The only thing I can control is this moment which shapes my future.

There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what has gone on in my past. So I can either let it either eat me alive and destroy me or I can just let it be the past. It's the right now...here, this very second, me...who I am NOW...I have control over that. When I first started blogging I said I was the captain of this ship...I guess I forgot, I am STILL very much the CAPTAIN of this ship.

Another thing that really hit me was telling my daughter how different it felt "this time." I told her that I knew like I never knew before that I was going to make it. It's because it has all felt so different. I still feel that way and I need remember that feeling when I am crumbling at times. I have got to go back in my memory banks and pull out those moments where I am feeling high on energy and courage.

Then there is the knowledge that no one will ever be able to love me as much as I need to love me. I am NOT going to let go of me and let myself down. I am wrapping my heart and my thoughts around ME and hanging on for dear life because I deserve this. It means everything to me and this time...I know I will make it and it will last.

Constructively I tried to sit and figure out the when and the wheres. What happened and when it happened that tripped me up. Since mid-July I have been off and struggled. I struggle with habits and so my little routines that I had got interrupted by a trip during that time, and then the battery on my scale died. No, I didn't replace the battery...I just was using the "old fashioned" type of scale but it wasn't giving me the exact weight...and for me....it's a mental thing but I need to know what I weigh down to the ounces. So I stopped even writing on my dry erase board on the kitchen where my kids...my cheerleaders could see. It wasn't because I was gaining...just because my enthusiasm was frustrated.

So...after I figured out the scale issue which I know isn't rocket science for some but it's a big deal for me, I bought a new battery. So now I know exactly what I weigh again...to the ounce. I can now start posting it on my board in the kitchen for the kids to see. I will try now to get back to some of the exact routines I have had to eliminate some of this stress I feel.

I do need to go to the Dr. I am certain that my barely low thyroid that I refused to take the meds for is messing with me also and I will probably have to give in on that. Hopefully, the combination of my little internal "discoveries" and that will put me in the right frame of mind to keep moving forward.

It is a roller coaster...but one I am determined to stay the distance on. There is absolutely NO WAY I am going to let myself down this time.... I think I am just that mad that I have enough fight in me to do it. :)
Selfish Lady Sends.....

Editing in...for an "Oh Yeah"....
I wanted to add something that dawned on me too! I have been really beating myself up a little about this running thing. I don't know where I got it in my head that people that run are better than people that walk. I was saying I "want to be a runner" but honestly...is that really what I want? I think I say that because in my head I think they are superior or something. Reality is..for me...I LOVE to walk! I could walk 20 miles probably...not easily but I could do it. It is my "thing", my pace, my enjoyment. I decided to do this marathon as a walker, never a runner. I never intended on having some "time" in my head that I was going to beat or even pursue. It was all about finishing no matter what and that is what I am going to do. I am a walker and I am going to keep doing what I love doing and what has helped me lose 112 pounds. So no more stressin' myself out about that either.

Tonight is the "Kick Off" party for the Chevron Houston Marathon/Aramco Half Marathon and I am going. I am so excited to feel the spirit of the event. I just got all tingling typing that! Ha!Ha! I am even going to get a free "in-training" t-shirt and will probably purchase another. I live in workout clothes so I can always use more. I'll wear those with so much pride! Those who know me...well, I am sure you can imagine!

Thanks for reading the extra P.S. I added!

What is this?

I hate "this"...this place that I am at. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

I have been "HERE" a hundred times before and I have to somehow, someway fight myself out of it. This is the "place" where it is the hardest now...where it either falls apart or becomes permanent and only I can beat this beast away. I could just absolutely cuss right now...NOT because I have gained weight because I haven't...but that is a miracle...I am on a tight rope right now! I know deep down inside this is old stuff I am dealing with. The HUGE part of me who believes I am NOT supposed to ever be better and overcome this. I wish that part of me had some physicality to it because I would literally like to beat the shit out her. Instead I punish myself by undoing good I have done knowingly or unknowingly. It really makes me angry. I wish "that Amy" could sit in a chair beside me so I could talk to her and tell her to to get "F***" out of my life now! Who ever convinced me that I wasn't worth it, and didn't deserve more sure did a bang up job. Every time I get "here" I feel defeated because it is this cycle that I have come back around to. I am just begging this time..."let me have the strength to once and for all push through this". I know if I can break the cycle then I am on my way. I need to harness the intense anger I feel right now towards myself and let it catapult me.

Okay, I had a little break...now I have to get back to "reality"

I have been off lately...really off. I am not going to really beat myself up about it. It's a wonder I haven't gained 10 pounds. I have made a conscience effort to still get on the scale every day just to make sure. I just have eaten plenty I shouldn't and haven't had my heart any soul in my workouts probably for the last 6 weeks. I could spend a lot of time trying to figure out the reason but I'll never come to a solid conclusion. The best thing for me to do is recognise that I have "had my fun" and now it back to get back on track before I get too discouraged. I have really seen the "old Amy" as of late...which means something is bothering me.

I believe I have found a part time job. I have been a bit overwhelmed with all the expenses that keep coming up with the kiddos. The older they get the more they cost! Wow! So I am looking forward to a little part time gig to contribute to their activities. I think it'll be good for me to. I still don't really have any friends here other than an aquaintance here or there at church so I feel pretty lonely. I think getting out amoungst the "living" will be really a great thing.

This week is the kick off party for the marathon. I am looking forward to that. FREE T-SHIRT! Yay!

Kent and I also painted the kitchen which I absolutely love. It's a cranberry color. It looks amazing! We went ahead and bought the paint for the living room and the kitchen/living room ceiling. We have to wait to paint those because our house is still under warranty and the builder needs to fix some seams for us. I think we'll hire someone to do that painting . We will also do some cool painting in the piano room. I can't believe we have lived in a home for so long before we have finally gotten around to painting and such but there have been a couple of reasons for that. One reason is that I couldn't decide exactly what colors I wanted. Another reason is moving past the "military housing" mentality that I have been stuck in. When you are a military family and move so often it kind of is difficult to wrap your head around the idea that you'll be in one spot for a while. Decorating and painting sometimes aren't the easiest things to do in cookie cutter military homes. Now that we have our own home...I just haven't been able to figure out what I want to do with it. I watch way too much HGTV. I need some design help something terrible. ;)

Happy Labor Day! Now that the kitchen is painted..., maybe I'll just enjoy it. Justin says Labor Day is "pool day" so maybe that's what we'll do!

Selfish Lady Sends....

By Jove, I think I "Got IT"

Ever wonder who "Jove" is? Nah, me either. I never wondered until right now when I typed that. So are you wondering what I got? Do you wonder what "IT" is? hee!hee! Today before I left the house I stretched, made sure that I had my shoes tied "just right", I had my lite breakfast,and drank the appropriate amount of fluids. I was on a mission to attempt to run some. I felt blessed that we had tremendous cloud cover and it was the "sky is going to dump any moment type" but I went anyway. I figured if there was no thunder or lightening...a rain shower would feel wonderful and it was cool outside. I was walking and doing a bit of running between "landmarks" and it was freakin' hard. My shins hurt but not THAT bad and I was trying so hard to tell myself not to stop. For those know me or have read my blog are aware I have giant wheels in my head that just spin like crazy when I am out in the wild blue yonder walking. I was trying to figure out what in the world...scratch that, I was thinking "what in the hell", no actually I was thinking something else but I don't verbalize my "tattoo sailor" talk that goes on in my head. (I try not to anyway) Okay, back to what I was saying. WHAT IS IT? What in the world is IT that is stopping me? I started talking out loud. Yes, cooky me is talking to herself out loud. It dawned on me. I am a shadow of my former self...literally a shadow. So it's not that physically I am incapable of this. YES, I need the right shoes, I have decided that because the ones I got that I thought would be good are not! However...wheels kept spinning and then I started thinking about how I have spent my entire life telling myself that I am NOT an athelete. I am not a jogger, I am not a tennis player, a softball player, a swimmer, a volleyball player, a basketball player, etc, etc, etc. I have told myself forever that I AM NOT ATHLETIC and convinced myself that I am incapable of doing anything that challenges my athletic abilities. This whole thing goes against what I have told ME I could ever do. I am NOT supposed to be able to do this. That is what IT is. Which is utter garbage...again...look at me? NOT YOU LOOK AT ME! ME!LOOK AT ME! If I can do what I have done...then I can do anything. I just have to learn how to do it right.

You know those moments when a storm is coming and you stand outside waiting? Right before the big rain comes the wind picks up. I have been in storms where the wind has been so strong that it literally almost swept me off my feet and pushed me forward. I think I have been waiting for my "storm" to come and waiting for that wind. I am starting to realise that I need to go ahead on my own and believe in myself and run along ahead and the "wind" I will feel that is going to wrap around me and help push me along won't be from a storm. It's going to be from personal pride and satisfaction and knowledge that I finally got it and busted down that wall of "I AM NOT", because frankly I AM.

I am a butterfly....

I have decided that is what I am. Butterflies have taken on a special significance for me now. I feel like I have been wrapped up in a cocoon for much too long...and now I have these beautiful wings that are just beginning to open up. I love going on my walks and seeing the butterflies as they land around me. They seem to speak to me or at least they speak to my heart.

My children are back in school and I am back on a schedule of walking longer walks and then 3 days in the gym a week. I just can't do cardio in the gym like other people do. I just rather do it outside if I can help it. Since I am training for the marathon the long stretches outdoors are better for me and give me a good idea of what I am looking at time wise, endurance wise, etc. I did 6 miles on Monday, and will probably do 4 tomorrow and concentrate on my speed rather than distance. Who knows...maybe I will take the advice of a friend and try to find a couple landmarks to run to and from...Surely there is a runner in me somewhere.

A gentleman named Roger from the Biggest Loser community board posted a video of his transformation as he changed his life and trained for the Boston Marathon. He did it to reach a life long goal, to gain back his health and to raise money for his niece who has cystic fybrosis. I just wept when I saw it. I hope he won't mind that I am posting the link on here for others to see because he is an inspiration. www.rfme.org

I hate bi-polar disorder...I hate depression...

I was out walking yesterday in the heat. BIG MISTAKE! I think I came scarily close to heat stroke because I did not hydrate well at all before I left. So word to all those who walk, run or exercise to always hydrate BEFORE you go out especially if you'll be in the heat. I feared I was going to literally drop on the sidewalk so I was planning it out in my head what I was going to do when I woke up in an ambulance because it was getting that bad. I was just begging, praying to make it home and hoping not to start throwing up as I walked because I was headed there quickly but I finally got home at a crawl but I made it.

I have had such a hard month because I am in a slump. It's extremely difficult because I can't control the "slump" to a point and it bothers me. I have spent a couple of evenings in the tub in tears, or a couple of my walks in tears as I just feel so overwhelmed with things. I don't know if I should or should not "animate" depression in my head but I do many times. I see it as a monster or a big hand that pops up when it feels like when things are going good and swings me down and holds my head under water until "IT" wants to let me back up. I don't have a whole lot of say in how long it lasts or how bad it is and I can't stand that. My ability to "handle" situations is disrupted during these times and I am not at my best. I am not a great wife or mother or as good to myself as I should be.

Since I started losing all this weight I have been saved from a big slump like this but this is the first big one. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight. I actually have lost 2 more pounds. I have noticed I am not eager to run to the gym as much but I am trying to walk outside more as I can so my muscle mass is dropping. I have eaten some junk lately that in the past 8 months I would never let pass my lips. Fortunately my metabolism is such, and I exercise so it's not affecting my weight but it could and so I am having to keep myself in check and question why. It's directly related to my feelings. These are the things that I am still trying to work out and will always being trying to work out. That is why exercise and eating a healthy diet all the time is so critical instead of doing some type of short term..."until I lose this weight" thing. I am in this for my life.

When I am in the down mode I am so aware of ALL the mistakes I have made in my life. I am so hard on myself and well, I just want the "GIANT HAND" to let me up out of the water . I am so thankful that I don't have it as bad as other people do because I know it could be worse. I take stuff that helps with the "swings" but in a perfect world, a girl can wish they never came and I was on top of the world "all the time".

I just walk on. I think of the marathon in January and keep my eye on that. The morning I wake up and put that bib on with my name and number will be an amazing day. I imagine the streets lined with people and how exciting that will be. I keep thinking of that, imagining the chill in the air...the sounds and the smells, and everything about it...and it helps me walk further, and faster and push myself harder. There have been so many people in my life that I have seen do incredible things and I have told myself that I could never do that. It's sad to convince yourself that your so incapable and now I envision the crowd lined streets of Houston in January as the the road of my capabilities. I have come so far.

Like a boxer, back to my corner....

I need someone to ring the bell and send me back to the corner. Please shove my head in a bucket of ice, and rub my shoulders and remind me that I can do this...then cram that mouth piece back in my mouth and send me back in the ring so I can come out swinging....I need this to be a knock out!

I swear...the demons...the darkness....the "mist"....whatever it is...that lurks out there sometimes....I hate it! DO NOT THINK FOR ONE MOMENT THIS IS EVER EASY FOR ME! It is outrageously hard. It is hard each and every day and I go up and down like a roller coaster of emotion. There are days I am so proud, to just fleeting moments. Today I tried on 5 different pair of size 10 shorts/jeans! I don't know if I have ever worn size 10 anything! That is like the ultimate dream size for me! They all fit! Then night fall comes and I feel like I could just come apart because I am not "perfect"...look at all this hanging skin, my hair is falling out, and there are things on me that I just can't fix. I am so freaking lonely...I have NO friends here...NONE! I have lived here over a year and I have no one...and it sucks. I have my children and my best friend who is my husband and I love him madly but he's not a chick and sometimes...a girl needs a "girl friend". I just feel....GRRRRRRRRRRRR, right now and don't like it! I am entitled! Perhaps I just need a good cry....

Kinda having to reel myself in a bit!

I have felt so scattered the last couple of weeks. I just haven't felt like myself. I got in the car today even though I have a beast of a sore throat and went for a LONG walk to one of my favorite places. I guess I felt like I needed to "center" myself a bit. I didn't take any head phones or anything. I just enjoyed the sites and sounds. I love this particular place with it's tree lined paths. I was visited by red birds, and butterflies, and pine straw that would sail slowly to the ground. The squirrels were unfazed by my steps and the fish in the small streams were too busy eating bugs lighting on the water to notice me. I love the sweet smell of the old cedar planks they use for the bridges along the paths. They remind me of the old log cabins we'd visit as a kid at historical sites. I just took it all in as I walked...from the bark on the trees, to the palm fans close to the ground, to the brief interruptions of nature by the steady hum in the distance of a mower in a neighboring home. When I got down to the lake I sat for about 5 minutes to catch my breath and enjoyed a quiet moment. I realize I need to have more moments like this.

I am in this transition and this is a very hard part for me. I am not a FAT girl anymore and I think I finally get that and I am a different person now. I want to be able to feel "normal" but struggling with that some because my brain hasn't gotten "there" yet. I am having a hard time because my metabolism is completely different so that is fighting me some...and I am having to learn to feed it differently and that is another fight and learning process altogether. I am hungry all the time now...because before I was all fat...so there was plenty for my metabolism to snack on so to speak. NOW, I am pretty lean with the exception of the 15 vanity pounds that I would like to lose but wouldn't think it was the end of the world if I didn't. Truthfully, I am getting pretty satisfied with where I am at right NOW, other than what I want done surgically someday to rid myself of the excess skin and a tummy tuck. Now, I just want to enjoy my routine, enjoy my family and train for my marathon and not have all this be the center of my universe. I think that is where my struggling has been stemming from. It's internal...not external. I recognise that. I am just ready to be at "that point"....not the "I'm done" point but the...."I'm happy" point.
I said in the beginning it wasn't about a magic number....and then I got numbers all stuck up in my head....and now I am trying to talk to myself and remind "ME" that it's about how I feel. I feel really good and I feel like I look really good. So pushing myself to some number that is way less that I have every weighed before, or every dreamed I would...well, I don't know where that is coming from when I am pretty comfortable right here. I enjoy exercising, eat well and if more comes off, then great but I just don't know how much I want to obsess about it. I have lost 110 pounds. I weigh what I always said for years and years was my ideal weight, and I wear what I what I always said was my ideal size. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...........I am just venting....because I need to....I got to work this out so I can snap out of my funk!

It's a process....it never ends.

Selfish Lady Sends...

Sometimes I secretly cheer...for others.

You probably had no idea I was watching you get on the treadmill. I was 15 ft. behind you pounding away on the elliptical but you caught my eye in your heather gray..."Just My Size" shirt and stretch jeans. I watched you climb on with such enthusiasm and punch away at the buttons and you started out with a jog. There you were a woman who is the size I once was busting out a jog strait out of the shoot and I was so inspired. I have to admit that I couldn't stop watching you as you swung your arms, punching the air and continued to do whatever you could to work out but it was getting hard. You started and stopped so many times but you didn't give up...It would have been easy to press that giant red S.T.O.P. button and make it all end. My heart was leaping out of me literally because I wanted to jump off my equipment and run to your side and tell you that YOU CAN DO THIS! I didn't want to be presumptuous, or impose so instead...I secretly cheered and prayed for you. You had no idea that behind you there was someone rooting you on...I have no idea who you are, what your name is, or even what your story is but I am your cheerleader and whenever I see you, all the energy and positive vibes I can send you, well it is all yours. People tell me I am their hero....well, the lady in the old gray t-shirt struggling through a couple of minutes on the treadmill is mine...because I know she will make it.

Thank you to all my cheerleaders out there! I love all of you and feel your support. It means a lot to me and it keeps me going when it gets hard sometimes. I am not always fueled by my own energy...sometimes I need some of yours.

Selfish Lady Sends.....

I feel like I am floating on a raft in a huge ocean...

and I am still fighting...I realise I am still fighting. This entire week...and today being the absolute worst day of all...I am consumed with the fact that the battle in me rages on. People talk about needing to have a good cry...or get their "drink on" or just have a day to "fall apart" for whatever reason. I don't know if it was because I was "out of my element" for a couple of days and that frustrated me or I am PMS'ing...I just can't put my finger on it...but I just didn't handle the week well...which is unusual for me. So I am laying here on my "raft of emotions" trying to decide how I am going to handle this. Part of me embraces the fact that it felt good to "lose control" a little because I push myself so much constantly. The other part of me...hates that I lost control. It dawns on me that this is how it goes...it will always be this way and I have to be prepared for these times and I have to decide how to handle these feelings. Artie used to tell me to acknowledge them. So now I see they are very real. I screwed up! Okay...I screwed up! I guess I could shout it from the roof tops that I ate things I shouldn't have and didn't get to exercise two days out of the last 4...Woopie! I felt a little too close to the "old Amy" today...and I don't like her...but she still exists in me so I have to acknowledge that so I can move past her. I thought I was way past her but she is not as far away as I thought.

Some may read this and wonder why the psycho babel but I have to do this...because these are my disconnected thoughts and part of my journey. I am still mushing through this. I have lost almost 110 pounds, have 15 more to go probably and then whatever plastic surgery removes whenever that time comes. These last 15 are just not falling off...having 15 to lose is nothing like having 125 to lose....so it is so much harder....it's really hard. It's hard to find self acceptance...for all the changes I have made...I see myself through different glasses now...so I am working on being satisfied.

Off to float on my raft of emotions...and stare at the stars....for that is how I feel tonight....a bit tossed and overwhelmed...but blessed all at the same time.

My New Haircut!

I have been working so hard out my body I tend to neglect my hair...so Saturday I went and got a much needed haircut and I absolutely LOVE IT! LOVE IT! I didn't take a picture of the back but it's shorter and layered and sort of funky where I can mess it up and be a "wild chick" if I wanna! LOL

Admittedly, I still catch glimpses of myself and I don't recognise myself. SERIOUSLY! I can't believe it's me! What a difference a haircut makes! (giggle!)

Officially Registered! This is HUGE for me.

First, there are some silly pictures! I have changed so much! It's hard to believe that's really me! I love my niece. She brought me a ton of clothes that she is too skinny for but they fit me perfectly. Now I have the cutest jeans and tops and some of the "hottest" heels. I have just to learn how to walk in them. (giggle!)

Anyway....

Today was opening day for registering for the Chevron Marathon/Aramco Half Marathon. I have been waiting for today and it's here and like a kid at Christmas...I got to register myself for something that I am so looking forward to in January 2010. I will be walking my first half marathon. No, I am not running it. I am not "there" yet. I have no doubt that I will be...but I am not this year...I joking say...maybe 2011, I will run the half, then 2012...I will run the full and then who knows....after than...maybe the Boston. Ha!Ha! I say that jokingly but half serious as well. I believe now anything is possible and for me the sky is the limit. I can do anything I put my heart in.

When I was filling out the online form...it asked me a name to put on my "bib". At first I was thinking of putting something that is so familiar that I use all the time like "kentsgirl" or "jagjaglee" but then I decided all those things though catchy and sentimental....are not just me and me alone....and this is ONE time...I just want to be me. I love my sweet husband with all my heart...don't get me wrong on that... but this time I just want to be out there and just be me! I am going to be selfish...but I want to cross that finish line as Amy Lee # whatever they assign me! :)

108.2 Today

Just Checking In....

106.2 today....Woo Hoo! 3.8 more pounds and I'll be at 110....that's just freakin unbelievable!

Please cross your fingers for me! I am applying for a little part time job at the gym. I would love, love, love to get it! I'd be a greeter at the front desk on the weekends! Just 2 minutes before I saw the sign at the desk I was driving there to work out...thinking to myself..."I would love to work at the gym....that would be the perfect place for me to work" and BOOM! There's my SIGN! It's got to be fate!

So cross your fingers, toes, and every thing you can cross for me...I haven't worked in forever...I just need someone to give me a chance!

Struggling with a "Trade Off"

You know...when I say what I do on here, I am thinking out loud. Indulge me...please. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am just putting my thoughts and the feelings of my heart out there for the universe to see I suppose...because it helps me. It really does. I go back when I am struggling and read and re-read what I wrote and it's a bit of a filter for me. It centers me sometimes when I am struggling.

For instance I am struggling right now a little with my body image. This may seem like the most bi-polar post when I go from previous post where I talk about how thrilled I am with the changes I see in my shape and muscle form....however there is the other side of that....and that is the side that I know I can't do anything about no matter what I do. The part that can only be fixed surgically. It is weird...weird...weird. I was sitting on the bed yesterday watching TV. Lazy Sunday afternoon thing. I looked up and caught a glimpse of myself and was like...Wow! Who is that girl? The face in the mirror...I almost didn't recognise her. I don't look like me....and this good! That's my face though. Take my clothes off...and now that I have lost so much....well....I imagine 50% of the rest of what I have to lose now is loose skin. I pinch at it and pull at it...and wish it wasn't there....and know that it's gonna be there until I have it taken off. I have some that tell me there is no need...Look how great I look...I have come so far...but they don't understand how it feels. I told my husband when I lean over my boobs look like "stalagmites" in a great underground cavern..hahahahahahaha. See I can laugh about some of it...hahahaha. You have to admit that is funny. Anyway....it's just a trade off ....bulging chub for this wrinkled, loose, sagging skin...and I hate it. I really do. I just look forward to the day when I can get this taken care of and be closer to my goal. I want to be at my goal weight for a while before I have any type of surgery because I will be out of commission for a bit and won't be able to exercise for several weeks.

So my ups and downs continue in this journey. It's never been easy and it never will be. I knew that going in to it. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a thread but the point is...I am hanging on and I never let go. Thank goodness I finally know how important I am and sabotaging myself and letting other things control me....well that ain't happening! I am still the captain of this ship! I decide! I choose! I set my course! 104.6 Today....yeah, after my 4th of July folly, a visit from "mother nature" and weighing AFTER breakfast. Not too shabby!

Selfish Lady Sends........

4th of July! I enjoyed myself!

Which means I ate things I normally wouldn't. I ate a rib. I ate some sausage. I ate a little pasta salad made with white pasta. I even ate one cupcake. (covers mouth!) I have to say that the cupcake almost made me hurl! I am not kidding...it was sickeningly sweet and I realized that I just don't miss that stuff AT all. People ask me if I miss sweets and I tell them I don't. It was kind of funny when I had the cupcake to recognize that it just didn't "do it for me" like it used to. I also had corn on the cob...with my diet butter of course...that was a treat! I haven't eaten corn on the cob in over 8 months. Anyway...after enjoying myself I have to shoo away the mind games that want to creep in. I found myself literally pinching my sides not an hour after I ate wondering if I was magically gaining. I got up this morning grimacing afraid to look in the mirror for fear I might look different. THAT is still the battle that rages in my head. I have to be able to enjoy some things here and there and not worry about it. I got to move on. I honestly didn't eat all that much last night but it wasn't the norm so that is why I am a little obsessive about it....and I have to choose not to be. I will wrestle this monster my entire life....it's my reality.

Eating more to weigh less

What a concept, huh? I am learning to listen more and more to my body. Those cues it's been giving me...the "I'm hungry"....well, I have finally been listening. It dawned on me that as my body has changed, so has my metabolism. I haven't had my body fat composition checked lately but I highly doubt it's much compared to what it was when I started this journey. So my makeup now is probably now more lean muscle and it needs something different to fuel it. I have allowed myself a few more carbs...good ones...like some popcorn for a snack last night, or some whole wheat crackers, or two sides of a high fiber bagel instead of one. That seems to be helping tremendously with the scale going down now....103.4 this morning, and it is helping with my energy. I grabbed on of the trainers yesterday at the gym and told her that I want to re-evaluate soon so that I can start building my workouts more about more power lifting and body shaping. I am definitely getting to that point. I am not wanting to be one of those scary ripply lady people....I just want to define my muscles. Come in to my brain for a moment....(scary isn't it...giggle) When I am lifting weights at the gym, of course I am in front of walls of mirrors. I am so amazed now when I watch myself lift or pull and I can actually see the muscles in my arms and the different directions they go. It's a beautiful thing. It really is. To go from chubby, curdley, flabby, yucky, to this strong and defined arm and I can actually see the muscle at work just as if it were popping out of a medical text book. It WOWS me. The same when I work on my legs and I put my hands down on my thighs when I am pushing out and I can literally feel the different directions of the muscles as they travel this way and that, and they are hard and working for me. What a difference...I am so glad I didn't give up on this because I can now see the results and even beauty in it.

Okay, you can get out of my brain now! I told you it was a scary place!

Selfish Lady Sends.....

Random Thoughts

*The scale was stuck...it moved finally....101.4 I was starting to get frustrated....sigh....(wipes brow)

*I can say here since this is my "own private Idaho".....I am sorry Michael Jackson died...as I would be when anyone loses their life but I am so tired of it being the only thing they seem to talk about in the news. I liked his music "back then" but he had his "hey day" and never could seem to get his crap together and lived a weird life and now he is idolized in his death. Look at me...I am even giving him a few lines on my blog....ICK!

*I revealed some big things to important people in my life this week! I was brave! I am proud of that!

*Here's a reminder to myself and to all...."LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH NO REGRETS!" I have seriously decided that I am there....finally....ready to live. I am going to teach my children to leap out and dance into their life and live it to the fullest. I do not want them to ever look back and say... I am full of regret. I have a lot of regrets. I regret that I let myself be so guided and molded by guilt. There is so much good in the world....there really is...so much to be experienced....to see...to do. I have been blessed with amazing, honest...happy kids. I hope that we have instilled in them enough goodness that they can navigate and make good choices when faced with them. I trust them....I believe in them....I honor them by saying....LIVE YOUR LIFE AND MAKE IT GOOD....SO YOU HAVE NO REGRETS!

*I don't know what that long walk did to me...but ever since I have been two things...hungry and tired. What is up with that?

*Lastly...I hate putting a child on a plane to send him/her away to see another figure who has some genetic link that makes it a legal requirement that this said travel take place. I watched that plane's wheels lift off the ground yesterday and my heart lifted out of my chest with it. It's very hard to ever find acceptance of such a situation and share but somehow there is no choice and you do what have to do.

Off to make a healthy meal for the family.

Selfish Lady Sends...

One Long Walk

That is what I took this morning. I walked 8.2 miles this morning and it was just WOW....hard but awesome all at the same time. I knew I could do it...I never doubted for one second that I'd be able to make it...but toward the end I was running out of steam. I said a prayer before I left...just asking for strength and protection and the courage to "DO IT"...and I did. I am grateful for that. It was so nice to see the sun rise over the lake, watch the turtles bank and then there were the not so lovely close encounters with spider webs. I walked right in to a few of those. Yuck! It was a learning experience. I am trying to build up my endurance and will also have to work on my speed as I push on toward my January goal of the half marathon.

As I was walking I was thinking...I had plenty of time for that. I was remembering how trapped I once felt. I have spent a big part of my life being trapped by my body and then just being trapped in general by the "you shouldn'ts". It has really sucked and I am so over that. I feel free now and I am living my life and will not be trapped anymore. I will do what I want and enjoy my life and my future and choose for myself what I should and shouldn't do. I will not allow anyone to guilt me. I am a grown woman who is perfectly capable of making the right decisions for myself. I am like a butterfly....I have finally busted free of that cocoon. My only regret is that I waited so long but then again...I would not be the very person I am at this moment had I not waited...so it all works out. Life is good.

"So why do you call yourself the Selfish Lady?"

I have been asked that a number of times. I am pretty sure I have explained that somewhere in the 100 plus posts of this blog but I know things get lost sometimes. When I began this journey I realized that the ONLY way I was going to be able to overcome the obstacles that stood in my way was to make myself my total focus. I was going to have to get completely selfish and put me first. The other reason I call myself the "Selfish Lady" on this blog is just because this blog is mostly about me....my story...my ups, downs..my journey. I would never want anyone to start reading it without knowing up front that this lady was going to go on and on about herself! It's my page...I get the liberty to do what I want....because on here....I am SELFISH! (giggle!) In real life...I believe I am far from that.

So there is the explanation....it'll get lost again....and I'll explain it all over again in time....until then...

Selfish Lady sends....

One Hundred...Up...Up...And AWAY..........

Yay! I meant to post last week but we left for a fun trip to Port Aransas for a family crab boil.

I did it....I am there....Deep breath..... and now I move forward and finish my race. Just a few more to go and then I continue to enjoy my life, my health my freedom from a cloak of fat, poor health, and low self image. I feel free!

Thank goodness I finally look in the mirror and see myself for what I really look like. In the past...I still saw the fat girl...no matter what I lost. Now I finally see...ME! That girl I see makes me smile ALOT! It's okay to smile back at her. :)

Reach inside yourself, dig down and LOVE YOURSELVES! Love yourself enough to CHANGE.

Selfish lady sends....

Less than a pound to go...

So less than a pound away and I will make my goal of 100 pounds lost forever. I should be there by Thursday for sure! I can't imagine why I wouldn't be. I will definitely update. You will all probably hear me shout from my rooftop in Texas. After this goal I have decided that I will ask myself for 31 more and then I work on maintenance. The funny thing is...nothing is really going to be any different. That will put me at a body weight of 155. I think that is a healthy weight for someone of my height and body frame size. I should be about a size 10 and perhaps 8's in somethings...especially after a nip and a tuck...here and there. It's hard because I have in some ways a much leaner, healthier body but when with such a huge loss, I have in other ways...what appears to be an older one...and the only possible way to correct that is through surgery. There is absolutely no exercise and healthy diet that will remedy what excessive stretching of the skin has done. It's a sad, cold and hard truth of being so overweight. I am not being negative.....just aware of a reality. It frustrates me at times...but I get over it quickly and stand amazed at what I have accomplished. I'll take the sagging skin over the poor health and fat that I had anyday. :)

The Scale...IT MOVES!

It's finally been inching away. I know some of you pop in to find out how I am doing so I thought I would give a little update. That scale...aka "sucker" was stuck after my short round of thyroid meds. (like only a weeks worth) It shot up, and then I stopped taking them and then had to work super hard to make those stupid 3.5 pounds come off and then the scale stood still...but now...it moves again in a downward direction.

Drum roll.....I am down 96.8 pounds down now! My goal right now is be down 100 by the 18th which is another 10 days away. So we will see. (Today is Monday, and that is a Thursday) Realistically...at the rate I lose...it's doable...but we'll just wait and see. I am just thrilled that that "sucker" is finally moving! :) I am working hard as always so it ought to be! I am in the 180's now ....amazed....completely amazed. I am so freaking proud of myself!

On a completely other note. Summer is here, the kids are out of school. I have kids going to camp. We are going to visit family in Port Aransas which is going to be so much fun! Lots of pool time in the horizon and my garden is providing me with lots of fresh goodness! I think I could live on fresh tomatoes alone. I discovered the glory of grilled sweet onions...Wow! I am in paradise! It's going to be a great summer!

Have a great one!

Selfish Lady Sends.....

Walking toward January

I was out walking today. I decided that it was cool enough this morning to walk...well it started out that way. I was burning up by the time I was done. :) My thoughts turned toward January and the excitement I feel about lining up with all these athletes on a starting line and beginning a marathon. This marathon that I will complete with my husband is a first for the both of us but is so symbolic for me. It represents a "hurdle", a "barrier", finally breaking through or completing a huge journey. Perhaps it is the start of becoming something more. Maybe crossing through that finish line will represent cutting the ribbon with the "golden scissors" and means that something greater is about to begin. I am just so excited about it because I know I can do it. I know it will be very hard...the hardest thing physically I have had to do yet...and it's going to take more effort to prepare for it. I am up for it. I am ready.

I figured it out...

And I stopped taking the thyroid meds...on my own. I am sure my Dr. will have a fit but I gained that weight immediately upon taking it and began a bloated stomach out of nowhere. I started doing my research online and found that this is something that a certain number of people have experienced with that medication. I absolutely REFUSE to take something that will make me gain weight. NO HOW, NO WAY! I will do what I can to deal with this naturally but I am not taking the Synthroid....NOT HAPPENING. Wouldn't you know I stop taking it and they weight comes right back off and that tells me something.

Friday I went to the lab and had a crazy amount of blood work done including a glucose tolerance test. They are testing me for you name it...it's being tested. This coming Friday I will get the other thyroid ultrasound, carotid doppler and chest x-ray.

I think last week I exercised 4 days instead of my usual 5 so it felt like a "slow week" so I am determined to bust my "arse" this week. I have a personal goal to break the 100 pound mark in the next 3 weeks. I should be able to do it without a problem as long as doc doesn't try to throw me on anymore goofy meds...LOL.

We went shopping this weekend armed with a list and a whole pile of coupons. We saved $22 I think in coupons but it's sort of tiring to slowing go through the coupons while your going down the isles. I need to organize them. We went across town to one store that we thought would have bargains but it didn't. We won't do that again...it was an adventure...It felt more like shopping at a flea market...ha!ha! Hey, I could have come home with a "live" catfish though and that would have been totally cool! ;)

I am off to the gym....looking forward to dancing like a wild woman in my "Zumba" class today and then it's leg weights and core training. Just 3 days of school left for my kids and it'll be a balancing act between gym, housework and lots of days at the pool.

Have a great one!

Selfish Lady Sends........

Almost Had A Meltdown

Something is wrong. I don't know what it is...but it's something and I don't like it. I gave in and went to the Dr. yesterday. I am sick of being tired and dizzy. As well as I eat, and the exercise that I get...I should feel on top of the world but I don't...and that sucks. Then a week ago I start this thyroid medicine...and "supposedly" that is going to do nothing more than replace something my body isn't making enough of on it's own. I have people tell me that I should lose even more weight taking it. Here I am doing exactly what I have been doing for how many months???? And I get on the scale and my weight is up 3.5 pounds. 3.5 freaking pounds.... Do you want to talk about hyperventilating? If I have been eating cheeseburgers, sugar...not exercising....screwing around...okay but NOPE, haven't been doing that. I had to stop myself before the flood of tears just came...because they were coming....and say NO....I am not going to let myself do this. I knew when I got below 200 pounds that the last 40 pounds or so were going to be the fight of my life. I knew it was going to be really hard. I just didn't think it was going to feel like digging a hole in the sand on the beach where the darn water keeps coming and filling the hole back in just as soon as I am close to being done....but what do I do? I reach down and I keep digging harder...and eventually I'll make it....the tide changes eventually and I'll win. So whatever it is that is going on right now won't last...and I am NOT going to let this swallow me...because it easily could. I see I am smaller, I feel smaller, I look smaller...I don't know where I am hiding 3.5 pounds on me but whatever....I'll go to the gym and take it out on the treadmill and add 3.5 pounds plus to my weights and throw that around for a while.

The Dr. has ordered a 1 1/2 page list of blood tests to be done tomorrow. I think I might as well give them a pint. I am thankful she is as pro-active as she is. She is covering EVERYTHING. I will also have a thyroid ultrasound tomorrow, a chest x-ray, and a carotid artery Doppler done. She did an EKG in her office. THEN, I get to go back to the cardiologist for a full work up, and to a neurologist....yay me! Hopefully they can figure it out....and it is something like I am hypoglycemic and something simple like that...or low iron.

While driving today alone after dropping off the eldest at school...my mind was just wandering. I was just thinking how lucky I am. Some songs come on the radio that take me back and remind me to the days when I first my sweetheart. He is more than "just a guy"....with a heart bigger than the ocean. He has loved me unconditionally from the get go and put up with you name it....and we have grown together. I honestly look forward to those days in the future with him... our wrinkled hands, and slow steps....with so many experiences behind us. I know he and I will curl up together at night and remember this or that and feel so satisfied. He is my hero...my rock...my support...my best friend. I am truly "just a girl" who was given a gift when the Lord sent him to me.

The Journey Of A Lifetime

That is what this feels like it has been. I don't know what all the other attempts were before but this one has finally been that final journey....the one that will last.

Any other time I avoided talking to people about the changes they saw in me...now I don't mind sharing with them the hows and why I have done this. There is no big magic secret to this...it's common sense really. The key for me has been to not give up and to hang on. There is something to be said for having faith in yourself. It's okay to really love yourself and believe that you can do something. Once upon a time I thought it was a big "No-No" to have that kind of confidence in my abilities...and now I know differently.

Lately I have been incredibly tired. I hadn't been able to figure out exactly why. I have also been struggling with dizziness. There have been times while on the treadmill or elliptical I worry that I might pass out and fortunately I haven't. I have put off going to the Dr. because that always seems to snowball when I go there...one thing leads to another and so on. Two weeks ago I went in for a routine cholesterol screen and liver screen and I guess she screened my thyroid. I got a call that my liver was great...cholesterol great (though HDL is not great and I suppose will never be thanks to my "gene pool") but that my thyroid test came back low. Dr. wanted me to do a retest. I thought it was odd and "out of the blue" but I went back and did the blood work again and it came back low again. So in my research....I found that fatigue and dizziness can be symptoms of low thyroid...especially the fatigue. We are talking "run over by a MACK truck" here. The Dr. put my on a low dose of thyroid meds and I go to see her in a couple of weeks. I have to say that I already feel a lot better. I am not 100% but it's so much better. For as well as I eat, and as great as I am about getting my exercise in...I should feel so good. I am hoping that will come eventually.

I am down 93 pounds now. I told my hubby that I am not sure where I will settle as far as a number goes with my weight. I figure I am looking at another 35 pounds or so. My focus is going to change here in a bit and shift over to body fat percentage as I decide just how much of that I would like to have on me. What a change, huh? The more I work out at the gym and I learn about muscle, metabolism...and what a beautiful machine the body is...the more I think I want to help mine operate at it's peak performance. Maintaining a good lean muscle mass to fat mass will help the metabolism and I know I will look and feel my best. This will also put me in the best form for when I finally get my tummy tuck and perhaps I won't have to have such a drastic procedure done then.

It's funny to me how my life has changed...I have changed. Just when I think I have "me" all figured out...I learn at 43 years old that I am not the girl I thought I was. I am stronger, better, and more in control. I look forward to a longer, healthier life with those I love and I am filled with hope for a super bright future. I am renewed.

Selfish Lady Sends.....

Not always the one BEHIND the camera anymore.

Once upon a time there would hardly ever be pictures found of me because I didn't want them taken. Now...it's okay. ha!ha! My hubby however has taken a liking to getting the gratuitous butt shots! Silly man!