Thursday, September 24, 2009

Such a difference

Sometimes it's hard to see just how much I have changed unless I can put these images side by side. So I thought I would do that for you. What a difference, huh?

Lately, I have enjoyed walking with a friend who has been working on making some changes in her life. We went to the store together and I showed her some "good things" that might help her on her journey. I am so happy to be given that opportunity because I want to help and I want to share what I know. This is the greatest gift I have given myself...and I just want to pass it along.
It's too amazing not too. :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

I am tickled now...

I spent time with a trainer today. I got my "body" age done and I have the body of a 37 year old! Not bad, huh? The bigger deal for me is...I am now only 20.2 % body fat! woo hoo! I am like .7% away from what is considered "excellent" for body fat composition! Go Amy...Go's your birthday! It's your birthday! Just kidding! That seriously makes me happy! But really, she was using calipers and was measuring me and said...uh..."there is really not that much there."

So we are going to work on building my body and increasing my muscle mass. Now that I have these very few last pounds to go there is just a transition that will be taking place. I took my book to her where I have been writing down what I eat. She said I eat great but recommended that I eat more complex carbs instead of cereal and bread. Oatmeal is a better choice instead of cold cereal. Brown rice is better than a high fiber pasta because of the processing. Even bread...though high fiber...has still been processed quite a bit which makes sense. Egg whites, 3 or 4 of them too should be added. I eat egg whites...but not that many in the mornings so I will be eating a pile I guess! Ha!Ha! I suppose for muscle building I will be looking at more protein and less carbs. I will have to have some though because of my training for the half marathon. I starve if I don't some. I'll just to make sure that what I do eat is very complex in nature...GOOD CARBS!

Someday, when I am RICH....or get a lucky break...or am crazy enough to go in to debt for it, I'll get my surgery to take off all the extra skin and fix the damage I have done through years of being fat. It's hard to not be really angry with myself but ANGER will not change anything. It doesn't erase stretch marks, make loose skin retract, boobs inflate, etc. It just doesn't happen that way. The only thing I can do is work really hard on the body and muscles underneath and when it's time for that happen...I'll be in great shape and the transformation is going to be magical.

Keep on rockin'

Selfish Lady Sends...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It gets better...everyday..

Thank goodness. The fog is lifting.

173 pounds now. I have now lost 113 pounds since Nov. 2008. I sat down and wrote out my goals the other day and one of them included losing the last 10 pounds which will put me at 165. I guess if I am at 173, I only have 8 to lose now for that goal.

I am trying to walk 20 miles a week. This week I have gotten up at 5 in the morning and getting about 4.5 miles in before the kids get up. It's very magical to walk under the stars and moon. I get spooked at times but love being out then before the world "awakens".

I talked to a trainer at the gym and am going to set up a meeting with her to "re-evaluate" where I am at. I am looking forward to that. I'll find out where I am at as far as body fat goes. She uses calipers which I think is a better test than that machine they used the first time. I like this trainer much better. She did ask me to write down EVERY thing I eat because she wants to have an idea of how she can help me tweek my eating habits to help me reach my goals. Of course my main goals now are these regarding my health and fitness....

Lose rest of weight to get to 165 lbs. (so now 8 more pounds)

Shape, define muscle mass and build muscle.

Train for half marathon.

Walk 20 miles a week and gym 3 x's week doing weights, and abs/core concentration.

Funny, now that I am back on track eating like I normally do, I have discovered that I really don't eat that many calories. It averages less that 1400 a day. Factor in to that my exercise...there is a huge deficit. I eat very well, and plenty...I just don't super high calorie foods...

I have also discovered something fun and yummy. It's what I call "Snack Soups!" Lately I have been taking my left over roasted vegetables and making soup with them. The other night it was a mixture of sweet potato and carrot. Last night I made roasted cauliflower so with the leftovers I made soup. It's all basically done the same way. I sweat down some onion and garlic in a pan that has been sprayed with olive oil flavored cooking spray. Then I add in my roasted vegetables along with chicken stock and kosher salt and course black pepper. I let it cook just a little bit but not too long because I don't want the veg's to lose their nutrients. Then I add in about 1/2 a cup of non-fat, evaporated milk. I put it in a blender and puree' it. It makes a yummy cream soup. I can eat a cup of that and it's 75 calories or LESS and is full of vegetables. The cauliflower one I actually added a small piece of lean ham to from our dinner. I did a spinach soup the same way on Saturday and added a piece of crispy turkey bacon for flavoring and it was yummy. Just a super easy way to get vegetables in. I make enough for a couple of servings and put it in the fridge. Asparagus will be NEXT on the list....yummers....

Have a great day!

Selfish lady sends...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Just wanted to proudly share a pic or two!

Finally have my T-shirts! Hoorah! Can't wait to put them on and walk in to the sunset for miles and miles!
Selfish Lady Sends......

Digging my way out...

Last night I felt like I had been hit by a train and honestly I probably looked it. I did something I haven't done in forever and that is took a bubble bath by candlelight. I needed the time to just sit alone and ponder all the jumbled up things going on in my head and heart right now. It was actually really good for me because I had some provoking thoughts that are helping me see clearer today. I wanted to record those thoughts so later when I am "freaking out" I can read them and try to use them to center myself.

One of the biggest things that really came to me last night was this....
I am here RIGHT NOW! I will NOT be controlled by my past. The only thing I can control is this moment which shapes my future.

There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what has gone on in my past. So I can either let it either eat me alive and destroy me or I can just let it be the past. It's the right, this very second, me...who I am NOW...I have control over that. When I first started blogging I said I was the captain of this ship...I guess I forgot, I am STILL very much the CAPTAIN of this ship.

Another thing that really hit me was telling my daughter how different it felt "this time." I told her that I knew like I never knew before that I was going to make it. It's because it has all felt so different. I still feel that way and I need remember that feeling when I am crumbling at times. I have got to go back in my memory banks and pull out those moments where I am feeling high on energy and courage.

Then there is the knowledge that no one will ever be able to love me as much as I need to love me. I am NOT going to let go of me and let myself down. I am wrapping my heart and my thoughts around ME and hanging on for dear life because I deserve this. It means everything to me and this time...I know I will make it and it will last.

Constructively I tried to sit and figure out the when and the wheres. What happened and when it happened that tripped me up. Since mid-July I have been off and struggled. I struggle with habits and so my little routines that I had got interrupted by a trip during that time, and then the battery on my scale died. No, I didn't replace the battery...I just was using the "old fashioned" type of scale but it wasn't giving me the exact weight...and for's a mental thing but I need to know what I weigh down to the ounces. So I stopped even writing on my dry erase board on the kitchen where my cheerleaders could see. It wasn't because I was gaining...just because my enthusiasm was frustrated.

So...after I figured out the scale issue which I know isn't rocket science for some but it's a big deal for me, I bought a new battery. So now I know exactly what I weigh the ounce. I can now start posting it on my board in the kitchen for the kids to see. I will try now to get back to some of the exact routines I have had to eliminate some of this stress I feel.

I do need to go to the Dr. I am certain that my barely low thyroid that I refused to take the meds for is messing with me also and I will probably have to give in on that. Hopefully, the combination of my little internal "discoveries" and that will put me in the right frame of mind to keep moving forward.

It is a roller coaster...but one I am determined to stay the distance on. There is absolutely NO WAY I am going to let myself down this time.... I think I am just that mad that I have enough fight in me to do it. :)
Selfish Lady Sends.....

Editing in...for an "Oh Yeah"....
I wanted to add something that dawned on me too! I have been really beating myself up a little about this running thing. I don't know where I got it in my head that people that run are better than people that walk. I was saying I "want to be a runner" but that really what I want? I think I say that because in my head I think they are superior or something. Reality is..for me...I LOVE to walk! I could walk 20 miles probably...not easily but I could do it. It is my "thing", my pace, my enjoyment. I decided to do this marathon as a walker, never a runner. I never intended on having some "time" in my head that I was going to beat or even pursue. It was all about finishing no matter what and that is what I am going to do. I am a walker and I am going to keep doing what I love doing and what has helped me lose 112 pounds. So no more stressin' myself out about that either.

Tonight is the "Kick Off" party for the Chevron Houston Marathon/Aramco Half Marathon and I am going. I am so excited to feel the spirit of the event. I just got all tingling typing that! Ha!Ha! I am even going to get a free "in-training" t-shirt and will probably purchase another. I live in workout clothes so I can always use more. I'll wear those with so much pride! Those who know me...well, I am sure you can imagine!

Thanks for reading the extra P.S. I added!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

What is this?

I hate "this"...this place that I am at. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

I have been "HERE" a hundred times before and I have to somehow, someway fight myself out of it. This is the "place" where it is the hardest now...where it either falls apart or becomes permanent and only I can beat this beast away. I could just absolutely cuss right now...NOT because I have gained weight because I haven't...but that is a miracle...I am on a tight rope right now! I know deep down inside this is old stuff I am dealing with. The HUGE part of me who believes I am NOT supposed to ever be better and overcome this. I wish that part of me had some physicality to it because I would literally like to beat the shit out her. Instead I punish myself by undoing good I have done knowingly or unknowingly. It really makes me angry. I wish "that Amy" could sit in a chair beside me so I could talk to her and tell her to to get "F***" out of my life now! Who ever convinced me that I wasn't worth it, and didn't deserve more sure did a bang up job. Every time I get "here" I feel defeated because it is this cycle that I have come back around to. I am just begging this time..."let me have the strength to once and for all push through this". I know if I can break the cycle then I am on my way. I need to harness the intense anger I feel right now towards myself and let it catapult me.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Okay, I had a little I have to get back to "reality"

I have been off lately...really off. I am not going to really beat myself up about it. It's a wonder I haven't gained 10 pounds. I have made a conscience effort to still get on the scale every day just to make sure. I just have eaten plenty I shouldn't and haven't had my heart any soul in my workouts probably for the last 6 weeks. I could spend a lot of time trying to figure out the reason but I'll never come to a solid conclusion. The best thing for me to do is recognise that I have "had my fun" and now it back to get back on track before I get too discouraged. I have really seen the "old Amy" as of late...which means something is bothering me.

I believe I have found a part time job. I have been a bit overwhelmed with all the expenses that keep coming up with the kiddos. The older they get the more they cost! Wow! So I am looking forward to a little part time gig to contribute to their activities. I think it'll be good for me to. I still don't really have any friends here other than an aquaintance here or there at church so I feel pretty lonely. I think getting out amoungst the "living" will be really a great thing.

This week is the kick off party for the marathon. I am looking forward to that. FREE T-SHIRT! Yay!

Kent and I also painted the kitchen which I absolutely love. It's a cranberry color. It looks amazing! We went ahead and bought the paint for the living room and the kitchen/living room ceiling. We have to wait to paint those because our house is still under warranty and the builder needs to fix some seams for us. I think we'll hire someone to do that painting . We will also do some cool painting in the piano room. I can't believe we have lived in a home for so long before we have finally gotten around to painting and such but there have been a couple of reasons for that. One reason is that I couldn't decide exactly what colors I wanted. Another reason is moving past the "military housing" mentality that I have been stuck in. When you are a military family and move so often it kind of is difficult to wrap your head around the idea that you'll be in one spot for a while. Decorating and painting sometimes aren't the easiest things to do in cookie cutter military homes. Now that we have our own home...I just haven't been able to figure out what I want to do with it. I watch way too much HGTV. I need some design help something terrible. ;)

Happy Labor Day! Now that the kitchen is painted..., maybe I'll just enjoy it. Justin says Labor Day is "pool day" so maybe that's what we'll do!

Selfish Lady Sends....