Thursday, October 22, 2009

Pink, Pinkity Pink!

That be my hair! I dyed it for fun! Self expression...whatever YOU WANT TO CALL IT! I was feeling my "inner wild child" so I took it out on my hair. Notice I don't have much hair left and that is because it has been wacked off! I have lost so much hair that my once head of thick, full hair is no longer. In my effort to manage it and attempt to slow down the loss I cut it short! It has helped some but not as much as I would like. I don't know if the loss is due to my weight loss, or what but it has been significant and I hope it stops!

Anyway...I wanted to do something crazy...and this is my "way". I could get crazier but I'll left at this...for now! You never know what I'll do..."cuz I'm cool like that! :)

Seriously...I have waited my entire life to just do whatever the heck I want to...and here I am. Why at the age of 43 years old have I finally give myself permission to be free to do some things is beyond me. Those who love me can take or leave it! That's where I stand on the matter!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

New Shoes and Pushing On

I have come to believe this journey is almost like a current in the ocean. Sometimes you have to decide to either kill yourself trying to swim against it or just stop for a moment and go with it. It all goes back to what my friend/councilor Arty told me back in Cape Cod. He told me to acknowledge things instead of pushing them away constantly. Pushing things away and fighting them seems to make them stronger and more powerful. It's the power of resistance. So I have had a couple of crappy weeks and I sit here and admit that I have gained 5 pounds because I just have been letting the current take me and has been easier than fighting it. The cool thing is that I KNOW that I am not defeated in that. Before....5 pounds meant 10, meant 20, meant I GIVE UP...HOPE IS LOST....because I was so busy fighting the current or whatever this mysterious "thing" is that I can't see I am fighting. There is no point in that. It is whatever is...and I have decided there will be these moments like this. I have to let them be there, acknowledge them, and then move on.

I was walking the other day and thinking about "The Biggest Loser" and how Jillian gets in people's faces sometimes and tries to dig down as to why they do some of the things they do. Now I am not a million dollar trainer, or councilor or anything else for that matter. So my thoughts on this are just the thoughts of a former fat take them for what they are worth. I do believe we don't always HAVE a reason. We just do it ... BECAUSE. Doesn't that sound like a child? "Why do you do that?" ...."I don't know?.....just because!" I remember being a little girl and being asked why I was moody. I didn't have a reason for my mood other than being in a thoughtful state of mind at the time. In my mind it wasn't a bad thing but I guess to others perhaps my sudden change to sullen and quiet meant "something was wrong" when in reality that was far from the truth. When I was challenged on "what I had done" or "why I was in such a mood" I would finally just come up with whatever excuse to satisfy the asker. It wasn't really the reason, it just made the person inquiring stop asking. I feel this way about this "BECAUSE" now....perhaps there is not really a reason that is deep and dark and mysterious. I may eat at times things I am not supposed to because I want to, or I feel like it, or I am in a munchie mood. If that is how it is...then okay. I am not saying that I don't want to control this. I am saying that I don't want to beat myself up and throw away everything I have worked for because of it. So I am acknowledging my screw ups. I suck sometimes! But it's okay...I have done amazing things and will continue...and I believe in myself now and love what I do. I love my walking and my exercising and all the feelings it gives me. So I accept my little "bad times" because I am not defeated in any way by them. I am fueled.

I am fueled enough to spend way to much on new shoes. Crazy expensive! I am so excited though to NOT have aching arches and shin splints! My half marathon is 3 months away now and so much to do in preparation for that. I need the shoes to get them broken in for that. The old ones I have have seen me through how many pounds? I think they were worth every penny! I just can't argue with that. Many, many miles were put on those lucky shoes!

I am blessed. There are absolutely now words to describe how I feel. I mentioned a while back the feeling of the wind right before a storm lifting me up and pushing me on. If I could just give you that visual and tell you to close your eyes and feel that wrapping around you and lifting up and giving you the power to go on. That's how I feel so many times. I know it comes from deep down inside me, it comes from the love of my family but it comes from my loving Savior who I know watches over me. I know he knows me, he knows my battles, my weaknesses, my strengths. He knows the whole story in the book of my life and yet he loves me. I am learning to find that same Christlike love for myself.

Lastly...for my sweet husband who I know will be nosey and read this. He always does...
Thank you... You know that as far as I am hung the moon, and the stars. You are my best friend and stand by me through it all. I absolutely love being wild and crazy with you. I don't know how it is...the older we get...the wild and crazier we get! Ha!Ha! I guess that means it can only get better! :) How cool is that? Just wanted to remind if you really needed it...that I love you and I am grateful for all you do for me and our family! You're Amazing!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

There is NO FINISH LINE.....

It's been a crazy 10 days. I had a stomach bug and it made me feel all kinds of yuck. Then Friday I decided to go for a walk. My intention was to do about 4 or 5 miles and then go to the gym. I ended up doing 10.36 miles because I just felt like I could. I don't usually have days like that. My long walks are planned. I have water, and provisions and I allow myself the time, etc. The one walk just sort of "turned out that way" and it felt wonderful. It made me realize that my half marathon will be absolutely doable. If I had the time I could have done another 3 miles on that Friday and actually done that half right then and there but I needed to finish to get J from school. Then the not so fun hormonal adventures begin which I notice every month throw me for a huge loop. It's like clock work. I seem to fall apart at the same time every month and this one is no exception. I feel like one giant zit, and I don't feel well, not eating well, not exercising well...and crumbling. SUCKS!

Today I decided to pull myself up by my boot straps and go for a walk to my "thinking spot" before I headed off to the gym. I needed to collect myself and though I don't feel that great I knew I needed to push myself. This whole journey has been about pushing myself beyond the limits of what is comfortable sometimes. It was one of those days and I needed the pushing. I was out amongst the trees and the squirrels and the lake and just doing my thing thinking like I do. Sometimes I feel like I wrestle with a great Russian bear. There are other times I picture myself trying to grab bubbles that are floating around me...I can see them and though they are "tangible" I just can't quite get them and if I do...they are fragile and can pop if I'm not careful.
I understand now that there is no finish line. There is no end to this and I think in some small way I am struggling with that. I am trying to find a comfortable place to be where I can not push myself quite so hard but still be where I am at. There is one voice that says I should push myself to still hit that BMI mark of 25 because that is a goal I set for myself and I should at least finish that goal. HUGE part of me says yeah I should but other part of me says...WHY? I am really happy with the size I am other than the stupid skin which I loathe...and if I pushed myself to get to that weight, it would only be to say..."okay I did it" and then I'd want to get back to where I am comfortable which is where I am right now. So it makes no sense at all to do that. It's like I am having to learn how to be able to decide that it's okay to adjust my goals and be happy with them even if they are not as extreme as I thought they were going to be in the first place.

I have had this bad 10 days and the scale has finally shown it. I could rationalize it and say it's because I have a "visitor" but I know what I have eaten AND I know that I have not exercised to my usual the past 10 days. So my visitor is NOT the problem. I have to step it back up to push that back down a notch and put it back in it's place.

I decided started tomorrow just for giggles I think I will actually record my weight on here and do my food diary until I get bored with it! LOL Sometimes it helps to journal and keep track of food intake to re-evaluate what's going on.

Someone recently said to me that they had no idea that I ever had any "down" times with all of this. They thought it was smooth sailing all the time. I had to laugh at that. I fight this just like any one else does and by no means is it easy. My scale can creep up 3 pounds and back down and I can have good days, weeks...and then really bad ones. I hope that none of my dear friends ever look at me and think I was some how propelled straight forward because that would be so far from the truth. I am sure there is plenty of dirt in my nails where I have had to claw and dig my way through the trenches. Coming to the understanding that it won't ever be over is huge for me now. I can't ignore it...push it to the side or say "I'm there" because I'll never be "there". There is no "there" to be. There just isn't this magic line to cross over and say "I'm done". I can enjoy, and find happiness and peace but have a sense of awareness that I must always be in charge of my life, my body and my health. The only way to do that is to know what is going on constantly and continue the huge life changes I have made. There IS NO FINISH LINE!