Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I wonder sometimes....

If my "loss of control" is my way of exerting some control in my life?

I spent most of my younger years being controlled and I hated it. I find sometimes now in my life that there is chaos and it is my own doing. It's as though I am trying to initiate some bizarre feelings of "I can do what I want". It's almost an effort to rebel against what is normal, expected, etc. That is the one thing I would totally like to kick in the ass. I want to beat back those feelings and do what I need to because I WANT TO! That's the ugly monster I wrestle on a daily basis...the "I want to do it" monster versus the "you need to do it monster". It's pretty ridiculous but it's MY REALITY!

Anybody have a couch I can lay on so I can open up my head and get analyzed?????

Well, the fact that I am here, this moment...typing IS PROGRESS!