Monday, March 15, 2010

Have You Missed Me????????????

My husband said the other night to me..."well I guess you have given up on your blog" as he noticed I hadn't posted in a while. I am sure that he has noticed my curves and extra added softness lately too.

I haven't given up...I just have been in a funk and trying to figure out where in the world I want to be with all of this. I think I have been really tired...tired of it all, tired of trying, tired of worrying with it, tired of the obsession.

I have been searching for a balance in my head that I haven't found yet. In the mean time I have gained weight, and as I have gained I have found things about it that I like and things I don't. You live you whole life believing you are one thing and it gets ingrained in your head. I look in the mirror and this very moment see a person I somewhat recognise where as in the last 6 months there has been a girl that revealed herself that was foreign to me. I wasn't completely comfortable with that and unfortunately got scared away a bit by it. I am trying to find the "in between" place where I can love who I am and what I look like, be healthy and quit obsessing over all of this.

There are things that I did NOT like at my thinnest....I am sorry. Actually, I am NOT sorry but I will explain.
For those of you who have ever lost an excessive amount of weight you will understand this but others will not and I am okay with that. I don't think I LIKE the bones showing, the veins in my arms bulging, the skin on my neck hanging, my arms, my legs, etc. I DON"T LIKE IT! It's embarrassing to me. I don't like hearing it either and believe me when I run...even up the stairs...I could hear it and that is just humiliating. I didn't like feeling my shoulder bones poking out or the skin hanging off my ass like it was melting off me. I don't like it! The ONLY way to correct some of the things I didn't like is to surgically correct them and frankly right now...I am not "SELFISH" enough to go in to that kind of debt. I have gained weight...deliberately?...not necessarily unless it's just been an act of total rebellion. I just stepped off the curb a bit and got stuck in the traffic of my mind. I have an ass again which doesn't bother me...I think I look much better from behind. ha!ha! My neck looks normal now where before I felt like I was getting a "gobbler" and I want to wait 20 more years before I get my old lady "gobbler". I DON"T like the muffin top...and that I need to do something about AND I don't like not being able to wear all my super skinny clothes. So I am in search of a middle ground.

I think most of all I am tired of feeling like I will never be good enough for myself! I don't know how to fix that and losing weight has not fixed it. Somehow, somewhere there is something inside of me that refuses to believe that I am really okay the way I am deep down inside.

That is what this journey has been about and as you can see...right now I am faced with another detour. It's never over and I have said there is no "finish line". It just doesn't stop and so what I am searching for is just some satisfaction...the ability to say...and REALLY believe...I'm okay.

It's amazing beautiful outside today and so I will lace up my lucky shoes and walk, and walk and walk...just like I did in the very beginning.

Some continue to seek me out and say..."You are amazing....and such an inspiration" and I cringe because I don't think I have "succeeded". I found myself one day trying to say..."I can't do this anymore" but then it dawned me..."I can't STOP doing this". I have to try...I am not throwing my hands up!

One more thing...for your reading pleasure...this is the March issue...