Friday, August 28, 2009

By Jove, I think I "Got IT"

Ever wonder who "Jove" is? Nah, me either. I never wondered until right now when I typed that. So are you wondering what I got? Do you wonder what "IT" is? hee!hee! Today before I left the house I stretched, made sure that I had my shoes tied "just right", I had my lite breakfast,and drank the appropriate amount of fluids. I was on a mission to attempt to run some. I felt blessed that we had tremendous cloud cover and it was the "sky is going to dump any moment type" but I went anyway. I figured if there was no thunder or lightening...a rain shower would feel wonderful and it was cool outside. I was walking and doing a bit of running between "landmarks" and it was freakin' hard. My shins hurt but not THAT bad and I was trying so hard to tell myself not to stop. For those know me or have read my blog are aware I have giant wheels in my head that just spin like crazy when I am out in the wild blue yonder walking. I was trying to figure out what in the world...scratch that, I was thinking "what in the hell", no actually I was thinking something else but I don't verbalize my "tattoo sailor" talk that goes on in my head. (I try not to anyway) Okay, back to what I was saying. WHAT IS IT? What in the world is IT that is stopping me? I started talking out loud. Yes, cooky me is talking to herself out loud. It dawned on me. I am a shadow of my former self...literally a shadow. So it's not that physically I am incapable of this. YES, I need the right shoes, I have decided that because the ones I got that I thought would be good are not! However...wheels kept spinning and then I started thinking about how I have spent my entire life telling myself that I am NOT an athelete. I am not a jogger, I am not a tennis player, a softball player, a swimmer, a volleyball player, a basketball player, etc, etc, etc. I have told myself forever that I AM NOT ATHLETIC and convinced myself that I am incapable of doing anything that challenges my athletic abilities. This whole thing goes against what I have told ME I could ever do. I am NOT supposed to be able to do this. That is what IT is. Which is utter garbage...again...look at me? NOT YOU LOOK AT ME! ME!LOOK AT ME! If I can do what I have done...then I can do anything. I just have to learn how to do it right.

You know those moments when a storm is coming and you stand outside waiting? Right before the big rain comes the wind picks up. I have been in storms where the wind has been so strong that it literally almost swept me off my feet and pushed me forward. I think I have been waiting for my "storm" to come and waiting for that wind. I am starting to realise that I need to go ahead on my own and believe in myself and run along ahead and the "wind" I will feel that is going to wrap around me and help push me along won't be from a storm. It's going to be from personal pride and satisfaction and knowledge that I finally got it and busted down that wall of "I AM NOT", because frankly I AM.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I am a butterfly....

I have decided that is what I am. Butterflies have taken on a special significance for me now. I feel like I have been wrapped up in a cocoon for much too long...and now I have these beautiful wings that are just beginning to open up. I love going on my walks and seeing the butterflies as they land around me. They seem to speak to me or at least they speak to my heart.

My children are back in school and I am back on a schedule of walking longer walks and then 3 days in the gym a week. I just can't do cardio in the gym like other people do. I just rather do it outside if I can help it. Since I am training for the marathon the long stretches outdoors are better for me and give me a good idea of what I am looking at time wise, endurance wise, etc. I did 6 miles on Monday, and will probably do 4 tomorrow and concentrate on my speed rather than distance. Who knows...maybe I will take the advice of a friend and try to find a couple landmarks to run to and from...Surely there is a runner in me somewhere.

A gentleman named Roger from the Biggest Loser community board posted a video of his transformation as he changed his life and trained for the Boston Marathon. He did it to reach a life long goal, to gain back his health and to raise money for his niece who has cystic fybrosis. I just wept when I saw it. I hope he won't mind that I am posting the link on here for others to see because he is an inspiration.

Friday, August 21, 2009

I hate bi-polar disorder...I hate depression...

I was out walking yesterday in the heat. BIG MISTAKE! I think I came scarily close to heat stroke because I did not hydrate well at all before I left. So word to all those who walk, run or exercise to always hydrate BEFORE you go out especially if you'll be in the heat. I feared I was going to literally drop on the sidewalk so I was planning it out in my head what I was going to do when I woke up in an ambulance because it was getting that bad. I was just begging, praying to make it home and hoping not to start throwing up as I walked because I was headed there quickly but I finally got home at a crawl but I made it.

I have had such a hard month because I am in a slump. It's extremely difficult because I can't control the "slump" to a point and it bothers me. I have spent a couple of evenings in the tub in tears, or a couple of my walks in tears as I just feel so overwhelmed with things. I don't know if I should or should not "animate" depression in my head but I do many times. I see it as a monster or a big hand that pops up when it feels like when things are going good and swings me down and holds my head under water until "IT" wants to let me back up. I don't have a whole lot of say in how long it lasts or how bad it is and I can't stand that. My ability to "handle" situations is disrupted during these times and I am not at my best. I am not a great wife or mother or as good to myself as I should be.

Since I started losing all this weight I have been saved from a big slump like this but this is the first big one. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight. I actually have lost 2 more pounds. I have noticed I am not eager to run to the gym as much but I am trying to walk outside more as I can so my muscle mass is dropping. I have eaten some junk lately that in the past 8 months I would never let pass my lips. Fortunately my metabolism is such, and I exercise so it's not affecting my weight but it could and so I am having to keep myself in check and question why. It's directly related to my feelings. These are the things that I am still trying to work out and will always being trying to work out. That is why exercise and eating a healthy diet all the time is so critical instead of doing some type of short term..."until I lose this weight" thing. I am in this for my life.

When I am in the down mode I am so aware of ALL the mistakes I have made in my life. I am so hard on myself and well, I just want the "GIANT HAND" to let me up out of the water . I am so thankful that I don't have it as bad as other people do because I know it could be worse. I take stuff that helps with the "swings" but in a perfect world, a girl can wish they never came and I was on top of the world "all the time".

I just walk on. I think of the marathon in January and keep my eye on that. The morning I wake up and put that bib on with my name and number will be an amazing day. I imagine the streets lined with people and how exciting that will be. I keep thinking of that, imagining the chill in the air...the sounds and the smells, and everything about it...and it helps me walk further, and faster and push myself harder. There have been so many people in my life that I have seen do incredible things and I have told myself that I could never do that. It's sad to convince yourself that your so incapable and now I envision the crowd lined streets of Houston in January as the the road of my capabilities. I have come so far.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Like a boxer, back to my corner....

I need someone to ring the bell and send me back to the corner. Please shove my head in a bucket of ice, and rub my shoulders and remind me that I can do this...then cram that mouth piece back in my mouth and send me back in the ring so I can come out swinging....I need this to be a knock out!

I swear...the demons...the darkness....the "mist"....whatever it is...that lurks out there sometimes....I hate it! DO NOT THINK FOR ONE MOMENT THIS IS EVER EASY FOR ME! It is outrageously hard. It is hard each and every day and I go up and down like a roller coaster of emotion. There are days I am so proud, to just fleeting moments. Today I tried on 5 different pair of size 10 shorts/jeans! I don't know if I have ever worn size 10 anything! That is like the ultimate dream size for me! They all fit! Then night fall comes and I feel like I could just come apart because I am not "perfect"...look at all this hanging skin, my hair is falling out, and there are things on me that I just can't fix. I am so freaking lonely...I have NO friends here...NONE! I have lived here over a year and I have no one...and it sucks. I have my children and my best friend who is my husband and I love him madly but he's not a chick and sometimes...a girl needs a "girl friend". I just feel....GRRRRRRRRRRRR, right now and don't like it! I am entitled! Perhaps I just need a good cry....

Friday, August 7, 2009

Kinda having to reel myself in a bit!

I have felt so scattered the last couple of weeks. I just haven't felt like myself. I got in the car today even though I have a beast of a sore throat and went for a LONG walk to one of my favorite places. I guess I felt like I needed to "center" myself a bit. I didn't take any head phones or anything. I just enjoyed the sites and sounds. I love this particular place with it's tree lined paths. I was visited by red birds, and butterflies, and pine straw that would sail slowly to the ground. The squirrels were unfazed by my steps and the fish in the small streams were too busy eating bugs lighting on the water to notice me. I love the sweet smell of the old cedar planks they use for the bridges along the paths. They remind me of the old log cabins we'd visit as a kid at historical sites. I just took it all in as I walked...from the bark on the trees, to the palm fans close to the ground, to the brief interruptions of nature by the steady hum in the distance of a mower in a neighboring home. When I got down to the lake I sat for about 5 minutes to catch my breath and enjoyed a quiet moment. I realize I need to have more moments like this.

I am in this transition and this is a very hard part for me. I am not a FAT girl anymore and I think I finally get that and I am a different person now. I want to be able to feel "normal" but struggling with that some because my brain hasn't gotten "there" yet. I am having a hard time because my metabolism is completely different so that is fighting me some...and I am having to learn to feed it differently and that is another fight and learning process altogether. I am hungry all the time now...because before I was all there was plenty for my metabolism to snack on so to speak. NOW, I am pretty lean with the exception of the 15 vanity pounds that I would like to lose but wouldn't think it was the end of the world if I didn't. Truthfully, I am getting pretty satisfied with where I am at right NOW, other than what I want done surgically someday to rid myself of the excess skin and a tummy tuck. Now, I just want to enjoy my routine, enjoy my family and train for my marathon and not have all this be the center of my universe. I think that is where my struggling has been stemming from. It's internal...not external. I recognise that. I am just ready to be at "that point"....not the "I'm done" point but the...."I'm happy" point.
I said in the beginning it wasn't about a magic number....and then I got numbers all stuck up in my head....and now I am trying to talk to myself and remind "ME" that it's about how I feel. I feel really good and I feel like I look really good. So pushing myself to some number that is way less that I have every weighed before, or every dreamed I would...well, I don't know where that is coming from when I am pretty comfortable right here. I enjoy exercising, eat well and if more comes off, then great but I just don't know how much I want to obsess about it. I have lost 110 pounds. I weigh what I always said for years and years was my ideal weight, and I wear what I what I always said was my ideal size. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...........I am just venting....because I need to....I got to work this out so I can snap out of my funk!

It's a never ends.

Selfish Lady Sends...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Sometimes I secretly cheer...for others.

You probably had no idea I was watching you get on the treadmill. I was 15 ft. behind you pounding away on the elliptical but you caught my eye in your heather gray..."Just My Size" shirt and stretch jeans. I watched you climb on with such enthusiasm and punch away at the buttons and you started out with a jog. There you were a woman who is the size I once was busting out a jog strait out of the shoot and I was so inspired. I have to admit that I couldn't stop watching you as you swung your arms, punching the air and continued to do whatever you could to work out but it was getting hard. You started and stopped so many times but you didn't give up...It would have been easy to press that giant red S.T.O.P. button and make it all end. My heart was leaping out of me literally because I wanted to jump off my equipment and run to your side and tell you that YOU CAN DO THIS! I didn't want to be presumptuous, or impose so instead...I secretly cheered and prayed for you. You had no idea that behind you there was someone rooting you on...I have no idea who you are, what your name is, or even what your story is but I am your cheerleader and whenever I see you, all the energy and positive vibes I can send you, well it is all yours. People tell me I am their hero....well, the lady in the old gray t-shirt struggling through a couple of minutes on the treadmill is mine...because I know she will make it.

Thank you to all my cheerleaders out there! I love all of you and feel your support. It means a lot to me and it keeps me going when it gets hard sometimes. I am not always fueled by my own energy...sometimes I need some of yours.

Selfish Lady Sends.....