Friday, August 21, 2009

I hate bi-polar disorder...I hate depression...

I was out walking yesterday in the heat. BIG MISTAKE! I think I came scarily close to heat stroke because I did not hydrate well at all before I left. So word to all those who walk, run or exercise to always hydrate BEFORE you go out especially if you'll be in the heat. I feared I was going to literally drop on the sidewalk so I was planning it out in my head what I was going to do when I woke up in an ambulance because it was getting that bad. I was just begging, praying to make it home and hoping not to start throwing up as I walked because I was headed there quickly but I finally got home at a crawl but I made it.

I have had such a hard month because I am in a slump. It's extremely difficult because I can't control the "slump" to a point and it bothers me. I have spent a couple of evenings in the tub in tears, or a couple of my walks in tears as I just feel so overwhelmed with things. I don't know if I should or should not "animate" depression in my head but I do many times. I see it as a monster or a big hand that pops up when it feels like when things are going good and swings me down and holds my head under water until "IT" wants to let me back up. I don't have a whole lot of say in how long it lasts or how bad it is and I can't stand that. My ability to "handle" situations is disrupted during these times and I am not at my best. I am not a great wife or mother or as good to myself as I should be.

Since I started losing all this weight I have been saved from a big slump like this but this is the first big one. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight. I actually have lost 2 more pounds. I have noticed I am not eager to run to the gym as much but I am trying to walk outside more as I can so my muscle mass is dropping. I have eaten some junk lately that in the past 8 months I would never let pass my lips. Fortunately my metabolism is such, and I exercise so it's not affecting my weight but it could and so I am having to keep myself in check and question why. It's directly related to my feelings. These are the things that I am still trying to work out and will always being trying to work out. That is why exercise and eating a healthy diet all the time is so critical instead of doing some type of short term..."until I lose this weight" thing. I am in this for my life.

When I am in the down mode I am so aware of ALL the mistakes I have made in my life. I am so hard on myself and well, I just want the "GIANT HAND" to let me up out of the water . I am so thankful that I don't have it as bad as other people do because I know it could be worse. I take stuff that helps with the "swings" but in a perfect world, a girl can wish they never came and I was on top of the world "all the time".

I just walk on. I think of the marathon in January and keep my eye on that. The morning I wake up and put that bib on with my name and number will be an amazing day. I imagine the streets lined with people and how exciting that will be. I keep thinking of that, imagining the chill in the air...the sounds and the smells, and everything about it...and it helps me walk further, and faster and push myself harder. There have been so many people in my life that I have seen do incredible things and I have told myself that I could never do that. It's sad to convince yourself that your so incapable and now I envision the crowd lined streets of Houston in January as the the road of my capabilities. I have come so far.

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