Friday, August 7, 2009

Kinda having to reel myself in a bit!

I have felt so scattered the last couple of weeks. I just haven't felt like myself. I got in the car today even though I have a beast of a sore throat and went for a LONG walk to one of my favorite places. I guess I felt like I needed to "center" myself a bit. I didn't take any head phones or anything. I just enjoyed the sites and sounds. I love this particular place with it's tree lined paths. I was visited by red birds, and butterflies, and pine straw that would sail slowly to the ground. The squirrels were unfazed by my steps and the fish in the small streams were too busy eating bugs lighting on the water to notice me. I love the sweet smell of the old cedar planks they use for the bridges along the paths. They remind me of the old log cabins we'd visit as a kid at historical sites. I just took it all in as I walked...from the bark on the trees, to the palm fans close to the ground, to the brief interruptions of nature by the steady hum in the distance of a mower in a neighboring home. When I got down to the lake I sat for about 5 minutes to catch my breath and enjoyed a quiet moment. I realize I need to have more moments like this.

I am in this transition and this is a very hard part for me. I am not a FAT girl anymore and I think I finally get that and I am a different person now. I want to be able to feel "normal" but struggling with that some because my brain hasn't gotten "there" yet. I am having a hard time because my metabolism is completely different so that is fighting me some...and I am having to learn to feed it differently and that is another fight and learning process altogether. I am hungry all the time now...because before I was all there was plenty for my metabolism to snack on so to speak. NOW, I am pretty lean with the exception of the 15 vanity pounds that I would like to lose but wouldn't think it was the end of the world if I didn't. Truthfully, I am getting pretty satisfied with where I am at right NOW, other than what I want done surgically someday to rid myself of the excess skin and a tummy tuck. Now, I just want to enjoy my routine, enjoy my family and train for my marathon and not have all this be the center of my universe. I think that is where my struggling has been stemming from. It's internal...not external. I recognise that. I am just ready to be at "that point"....not the "I'm done" point but the...."I'm happy" point.
I said in the beginning it wasn't about a magic number....and then I got numbers all stuck up in my head....and now I am trying to talk to myself and remind "ME" that it's about how I feel. I feel really good and I feel like I look really good. So pushing myself to some number that is way less that I have every weighed before, or every dreamed I would...well, I don't know where that is coming from when I am pretty comfortable right here. I enjoy exercising, eat well and if more comes off, then great but I just don't know how much I want to obsess about it. I have lost 110 pounds. I weigh what I always said for years and years was my ideal weight, and I wear what I what I always said was my ideal size. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...........I am just venting....because I need to....I got to work this out so I can snap out of my funk!

It's a never ends.

Selfish Lady Sends...

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