Monday, May 17, 2010

Once upon a time....

there was a little girl who I held up on my knees while I gave her a bath with Mommy for the first time. It was just she and I and no one else seemed to matter. I was in awe of this dark haired, blue eyed newborn beauty who was staring back at me. I remember feeling so humbled that Heavenly Father had chosen me to be this perfect little person's Mom. Then it happened, she looked at me and she smiled. It wasn't one of those sleepy smiles that makes you wonder what they could be dreaming of. It was a smile for me...a recognition. She melted me that day and I knew beyond a doubt for the first time a kind of love I'd never known before. I knew that I would do anything for her, give everything to her, lay down my life for her. I knew in that single moment that I was a Mother and she was a gift that I had been in trusted with.

My little girl has grown in to an amazing young woman. Life with her has been a blast some moments, heart breaking at others. She has been my hero and there were times she fought to defend me when a little girl never should. She has been purple hair, banana suit, crazy dancing around the living room girl. She has been the girl who cried out to me because she felt different from others and struggled to find herself and friends that would love her. She has been messy rooms, and artistic and compassion fills her in abundance. She is a beauty who loves me to dress her up, fix her hair, put make up on her face. She trusts me and sends me back often to that first smile.

She was my baby. I made mistakes and have said or done things that I regret. She has loved me and found ways to forgive me as I have struggled through this thing called "Motherhood" with her. Now she stands on the threshold of new adventures and growing up and I wonder where my little girl went. I love her and pray for her. I am so proud of her and know that she will go and take on the world with passion.

I am honored to be your Mom, Kelley. If there is one thing that I hope you know is that you are loved beyond what there are words to describe. I pray you will live your life to the crazy fullest. Follow your heart and DREAM BIG!!! Live your life with no regrets! If you make mistakes then get up, learn from them and move on. All that we do in life shapes us and gives us experience.
Remember what I have always told you, and that is I will always be here for you. I'd fight the devil himself to protect you kiddo and there is nothing that we can't handle. This is how it will always be...I'll always be here for you.

Congratulations my 2010 graduate. Big, Big things are waiting for you out there! Have a colorful, crazy life and paint it amazing!
I love you my Kelley "Belle"!


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Greased Pigs! I swear they got me surrounded...

I think "greased pig" racing sums up my life. I chase them down...catch them, enjoy the victory and then BOOM! Those suckers slip right out of my hands just not wanting to be caught. I feel like I am tired of it, want to give up but someone has got to win...and is it going to be the PIG or me?

I still wrestle like crazy with my self image. It seems like not that long ago I was proud, and amazed that I weighed just what I weigh right now. I would have been thrilled to be here...where I am right now. However...I beat myself up severely because I got so far down that I feel such humiliation that I only stayed there for such a short time. PEOPLE KNOW I AM A FAILURE! All they have to do is see me now and they can see I have failed at the race I was winning. I try and I try and then try some more not to think in those terms. Those thoughts seem so vain and selfish but they are there and they nag me.

It is hard to walk amoungst those I love and feel like I have let them down. Sometimes I just want to shout to the heavens...."CAN'T I JUST BE ME???? PLEASE!!!!!"

Monday, May 3, 2010

My Own "Terabithia"

Today I woke and decided that I'd face the week head on. My weekend was fun with my parents here for a visit. I got to dress my daughter for a prom and she was a "stunner" and I attended my other daughter's piano recital where the music gave me chills. It was an all around great weekend. Of course it was "highlighted" by hamburgers, dip, chips, tacos and muffins and a beautiful coconut cream pie that I made. Suffice it to say I enjoyed myself.

It's a new day week.

I got up this morning and stepped on the scale so I knew where I was starting off, got out my workout shorts and a trusty "T" and then laced up my shoes. After I played "taxi" I slipped away to my favorite walking place. This is "My Terabithia". I love this place. The smell of honeysuckle just filled my lungs, and the squirrels kept me on my toes as they made the pine straw move suddenly. The turtles were out getting their daily sun as the beams of light jetted through the trees. Every once in a while a leaf would sail down to the ground like a lost snow flake. I love walking through the arched canopies that are made by trees and vines that have bent over time. It is as if I am some sort of royalty in the forest and the red birds, and the blue jays are singing an anthem to me as I walk. I honestly started to cry a little. It was just a little. My heart was heavy for just a moment because I was saddened that I had robbed myself of these moments. I find peace in this. I find peace in trying hard to do what is best for me. I sat on a stump by the lake and said a prayer and thanked my Heavenly Father for the beauty that he has blessed me with in this earth. I also asked him forgiveness because lately I feel like "the little girl lost in the woods" and I have made A LOT of mistakes. The only thing I can do is "renew" and start little step at a time but in the right direction.....towards good things.