Sunday, May 9, 2010

Greased Pigs! I swear they got me surrounded...

I think "greased pig" racing sums up my life. I chase them down...catch them, enjoy the victory and then BOOM! Those suckers slip right out of my hands just not wanting to be caught. I feel like I am tired of it, want to give up but someone has got to win...and is it going to be the PIG or me?

I still wrestle like crazy with my self image. It seems like not that long ago I was proud, and amazed that I weighed just what I weigh right now. I would have been thrilled to be here...where I am right now. However...I beat myself up severely because I got so far down that I feel such humiliation that I only stayed there for such a short time. PEOPLE KNOW I AM A FAILURE! All they have to do is see me now and they can see I have failed at the race I was winning. I try and I try and then try some more not to think in those terms. Those thoughts seem so vain and selfish but they are there and they nag me.

It is hard to walk amoungst those I love and feel like I have let them down. Sometimes I just want to shout to the heavens...."CAN'T I JUST BE ME???? PLEASE!!!!!"

1 comment:

~D~ said...

I've been following your blog when I remember and love to read about your weight loss journey. I struggle with so many of the same issues that you do and I find it comforting to know I'm not the only one to go through all this(not comforting to know others go through the same thing, just to know I'm not the only one to fight these battles).

I just thought I'd let you know you aren't alone, I was doing weight watchers a few years ago and have hit my lowest weight now twice since I started, but always end up gaining part of my weight back. I haven't figured out why yet so I just keep struggling on when I get sick of carrying the extra baggage, but it is so frustrating and this blog entry of yours summed it up pretty well.

Thanks for being willing to journal about your experiences. You are inspiring!