Tuesday, October 6, 2009

There is NO FINISH LINE.....

It's been a crazy 10 days. I had a stomach bug and it made me feel all kinds of yuck. Then Friday I decided to go for a walk. My intention was to do about 4 or 5 miles and then go to the gym. I ended up doing 10.36 miles because I just felt like I could. I don't usually have days like that. My long walks are planned. I have water, and provisions and I allow myself the time, etc. The one walk just sort of "turned out that way" and it felt wonderful. It made me realize that my half marathon will be absolutely doable. If I had the time I could have done another 3 miles on that Friday and actually done that half right then and there but I needed to finish to get J from school. Then the not so fun hormonal adventures begin which I notice every month throw me for a huge loop. It's like clock work. I seem to fall apart at the same time every month and this one is no exception. I feel like one giant zit, and I don't feel well, not eating well, not exercising well...and crumbling. SUCKS!

Today I decided to pull myself up by my boot straps and go for a walk to my "thinking spot" before I headed off to the gym. I needed to collect myself and though I don't feel that great I knew I needed to push myself. This whole journey has been about pushing myself beyond the limits of what is comfortable sometimes. It was one of those days and I needed the pushing. I was out amongst the trees and the squirrels and the lake and just doing my thing thinking like I do. Sometimes I feel like I wrestle with a great Russian bear. There are other times I picture myself trying to grab bubbles that are floating around me...I can see them and though they are "tangible" I just can't quite get them and if I do...they are fragile and can pop if I'm not careful.
I understand now that there is no finish line. There is no end to this and I think in some small way I am struggling with that. I am trying to find a comfortable place to be where I can not push myself quite so hard but still be where I am at. There is one voice that says I should push myself to still hit that BMI mark of 25 because that is a goal I set for myself and I should at least finish that goal. HUGE part of me says yeah I should but other part of me says...WHY? I am really happy with the size I am other than the stupid skin which I loathe...and if I pushed myself to get to that weight, it would only be to say..."okay I did it" and then I'd want to get back to where I am comfortable which is where I am right now. So it makes no sense at all to do that. It's like I am having to learn how to be able to decide that it's okay to adjust my goals and be happy with them even if they are not as extreme as I thought they were going to be in the first place.

I have had this bad 10 days and the scale has finally shown it. I could rationalize it and say it's because I have a "visitor" but I know what I have eaten AND I know that I have not exercised to my usual the past 10 days. So my visitor is NOT the problem. I have to step it back up to push that back down a notch and put it back in it's place.

I decided started tomorrow just for giggles I think I will actually record my weight on here and do my food diary until I get bored with it! LOL Sometimes it helps to journal and keep track of food intake to re-evaluate what's going on.

Someone recently said to me that they had no idea that I ever had any "down" times with all of this. They thought it was smooth sailing all the time. I had to laugh at that. I fight this just like any one else does and by no means is it easy. My scale can creep up 3 pounds and back down and I can have good days, weeks...and then really bad ones. I hope that none of my dear friends ever look at me and think I was some how propelled straight forward because that would be so far from the truth. I am sure there is plenty of dirt in my nails where I have had to claw and dig my way through the trenches. Coming to the understanding that it won't ever be over is huge for me now. I can't ignore it...push it to the side or say "I'm there" because I'll never be "there". There is no "there" to be. There just isn't this magic line to cross over and say "I'm done". I can enjoy, and find happiness and peace but have a sense of awareness that I must always be in charge of my life, my body and my health. The only way to do that is to know what is going on constantly and continue the huge life changes I have made. There IS NO FINISH LINE!

1 comment:

Tomer said...

> weight on here and do my food
> diary until I get bored

I use a program called Food And Exercise Diary (WeightlossSoftware.Com). It has a medical diary, food diary, and moods and feelings diary. So I can see relations between my foods, medication and moods. So the FED lets me figure out what is causing problems, and what works.