I have come to believe this journey is almost like a current in the ocean. Sometimes you have to decide to either kill yourself trying to swim against it or just stop for a moment and go with it. It all goes back to what my friend/councilor Arty told me back in Cape Cod. He told me to acknowledge things instead of pushing them away constantly. Pushing things away and fighting them seems to make them stronger and more powerful. It's the power of resistance. So I have had a couple of crappy weeks and I sit here and admit that I have gained 5 pounds because I just have been letting the current take me and honestly...it has been easier than fighting it. The cool thing is that I KNOW that I am not defeated in that. Before....5 pounds meant 10, meant 20, meant I GIVE UP...HOPE IS LOST....because I was so busy fighting the current or whatever this mysterious "thing" is that I can't see I am fighting. There is no point in that. It is whatever is...and I have decided there will be these moments like this. I have to let them be there, acknowledge them, and then move on.
I was walking the other day and thinking about "The Biggest Loser" and how Jillian gets in people's faces sometimes and tries to dig down as to why they do some of the things they do. Now I am not a million dollar trainer, or councilor or anything else for that matter. So my thoughts on this are just the thoughts of a former fat girl...so take them for what they are worth. I do believe we don't always HAVE a reason. We just do it ... BECAUSE. Doesn't that sound like a child? "Why do you do that?" ...."I don't know?.....just because!" I remember being a little girl and being asked why I was moody. I didn't have a reason for my mood other than being in a thoughtful state of mind at the time. In my mind it wasn't a bad thing but I guess to others perhaps my sudden change to sullen and quiet meant "something was wrong" when in reality that was far from the truth. When I was challenged on "what I had done" or "why I was in such a mood" I would finally just come up with whatever excuse to satisfy the asker. It wasn't really the reason, it just made the person inquiring stop asking. I feel this way about this "BECAUSE" now....perhaps there is not really a reason that is deep and dark and mysterious. I may eat at times things I am not supposed to because I want to, or I feel like it, or I am in a munchie mood. If that is how it is...then okay. I am not saying that I don't want to control this. I am saying that I don't want to beat myself up and throw away everything I have worked for because of it. So I am acknowledging my screw ups. I suck sometimes! But it's okay...I have done amazing things and will continue...and I believe in myself now and love what I do. I love my walking and my exercising and all the feelings it gives me. So I accept my little "bad times" because I am not defeated in any way by them. I am fueled.
I am fueled enough to spend way to much on new shoes. Crazy expensive! I am so excited though to NOT have aching arches and shin splints! My half marathon is 3 months away now and so much to do in preparation for that. I need the shoes to get them broken in for that. The old ones I have have seen me through how many pounds? I think they were worth every penny! I just can't argue with that. Many, many miles were put on those lucky shoes!
I am blessed. There are absolutely now words to describe how I feel. I mentioned a while back the feeling of the wind right before a storm lifting me up and pushing me on. If I could just give you that visual and tell you to close your eyes and feel that wrapping around you and lifting up and giving you the power to go on. That's how I feel so many times. I know it comes from deep down inside me, it comes from the love of my family but it comes from my loving Savior who I know watches over me. I know he knows me, he knows my battles, my weaknesses, my strengths. He knows the whole story in the book of my life and yet he loves me. I am learning to find that same Christlike love for myself.
Lastly...for my sweet husband who I know will be nosey and read this. He always does...
Thank you... You know that as far as I am concerned...you hung the moon, and the stars. You are my best friend and stand by me through it all. I absolutely love being wild and crazy with you. I don't know how it is...the older we get...the wild and crazier we get! Ha!Ha! I guess that means it can only get better! :) How cool is that? Just wanted to remind you...as if you really needed it...that I love you and I am grateful for all you do for me and our family! You're Amazing!
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