Last night I felt like I had been hit by a train and honestly I probably looked it. I did something I haven't done in forever and that is took a bubble bath by candlelight. I needed the time to just sit alone and ponder all the jumbled up things going on in my head and heart right now. It was actually really good for me because I had some provoking thoughts that are helping me see clearer today. I wanted to record those thoughts so later when I am "freaking out" I can read them and try to use them to center myself.
One of the biggest things that really came to me last night was this....
I am here RIGHT NOW! I will NOT be controlled by my past. The only thing I can control is this moment which shapes my future.
There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what has gone on in my past. So I can either let it either eat me alive and destroy me or I can just let it be the past. It's the right now...here, this very second, me...who I am NOW...I have control over that. When I first started blogging I said I was the captain of this ship...I guess I forgot, I am STILL very much the CAPTAIN of this ship.
Another thing that really hit me was telling my daughter how different it felt "this time." I told her that I knew like I never knew before that I was going to make it. It's because it has all felt so different. I still feel that way and I need remember that feeling when I am crumbling at times. I have got to go back in my memory banks and pull out those moments where I am feeling high on energy and courage.
Then there is the knowledge that no one will ever be able to love me as much as I need to love me. I am NOT going to let go of me and let myself down. I am wrapping my heart and my thoughts around ME and hanging on for dear life because I deserve this. It means everything to me and this time...I know I will make it and it will last.
Constructively I tried to sit and figure out the when and the wheres. What happened and when it happened that tripped me up. Since mid-July I have been off and struggled. I struggle with habits and so my little routines that I had got interrupted by a trip during that time, and then the battery on my scale died. No, I didn't replace the battery...I just was using the "old fashioned" type of scale but it wasn't giving me the exact weight...and for me....it's a mental thing but I need to know what I weigh down to the ounces. So I stopped even writing on my dry erase board on the kitchen where my kids...my cheerleaders could see. It wasn't because I was gaining...just because my enthusiasm was frustrated.
So...after I figured out the scale issue which I know isn't rocket science for some but it's a big deal for me, I bought a new battery. So now I know exactly what I weigh again...to the ounce. I can now start posting it on my board in the kitchen for the kids to see. I will try now to get back to some of the exact routines I have had to eliminate some of this stress I feel.
I do need to go to the Dr. I am certain that my barely low thyroid that I refused to take the meds for is messing with me also and I will probably have to give in on that. Hopefully, the combination of my little internal "discoveries" and that will put me in the right frame of mind to keep moving forward.
It is a roller coaster...but one I am determined to stay the distance on. There is absolutely NO WAY I am going to let myself down this time.... I think I am just that mad that I have enough fight in me to do it. :)
Selfish Lady Sends.....
Editing in...for an "Oh Yeah"....
I wanted to add something that dawned on me too! I have been really beating myself up a little about this running thing. I don't know where I got it in my head that people that run are better than people that walk. I was saying I "want to be a runner" but honestly...is that really what I want? I think I say that because in my head I think they are superior or something. Reality is..for me...I LOVE to walk! I could walk 20 miles probably...not easily but I could do it. It is my "thing", my pace, my enjoyment. I decided to do this marathon as a walker, never a runner. I never intended on having some "time" in my head that I was going to beat or even pursue. It was all about finishing no matter what and that is what I am going to do. I am a walker and I am going to keep doing what I love doing and what has helped me lose 112 pounds. So no more stressin' myself out about that either.
Tonight is the "Kick Off" party for the Chevron Houston Marathon/Aramco Half Marathon and I am going. I am so excited to feel the spirit of the event. I just got all tingling typing that! Ha!Ha! I am even going to get a free "in-training" t-shirt and will probably purchase another. I live in workout clothes so I can always use more. I'll wear those with so much pride! Those who know me...well, I am sure you can imagine!
Thanks for reading the extra P.S. I added!
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