What is this?

I hate "this"...this place that I am at. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

I have been "HERE" a hundred times before and I have to somehow, someway fight myself out of it. This is the "place" where it is the hardest now...where it either falls apart or becomes permanent and only I can beat this beast away. I could just absolutely cuss right now...NOT because I have gained weight because I haven't...but that is a miracle...I am on a tight rope right now! I know deep down inside this is old stuff I am dealing with. The HUGE part of me who believes I am NOT supposed to ever be better and overcome this. I wish that part of me had some physicality to it because I would literally like to beat the shit out her. Instead I punish myself by undoing good I have done knowingly or unknowingly. It really makes me angry. I wish "that Amy" could sit in a chair beside me so I could talk to her and tell her to to get "F***" out of my life now! Who ever convinced me that I wasn't worth it, and didn't deserve more sure did a bang up job. Every time I get "here" I feel defeated because it is this cycle that I have come back around to. I am just begging this time..."let me have the strength to once and for all push through this". I know if I can break the cycle then I am on my way. I need to harness the intense anger I feel right now towards myself and let it catapult me.