Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Today...so far, so good...

There have been too many bad days lately so I am cheering today for a GOOD day and telling myself it better stay that way. I also had a great walk this morning. Fortunately my hip didn't bother me too much. I stretched out pretty good before hand so I think that helped out.

Lately I have been having silly thoughts. The holiday party for my husbands work should be coming up next month and I am actually excited at the prospect of going. I was looking online at "little black dresses" and daydreaming of black heels. I can actually go and buy a dress off the rack in the regular department and that amazes me. The picture I posted yesterday or day before was a Christmas party for his work I believe so very long ago. (2000 maybe) I think I found a "stretch velvet" skirt at Walmart in size extra-extra-extra big and hoped it fit. I borrowed jewelery from friends and did all I could but still felt so diminished on the arm of the man that I adore. It is so sad to feel humiliated to be "yourself" but that is how I felt for years. I am blessed to have the partner, love and best friend in the world that I do in my husband. He has loved me above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He has never, ever made me feel "less than". He has done all he could to make me feel loved and wanted and desired but I can't help how I have felt about myself. I have missed out on opportunities to see him advance in rank because I didn't want to go to his work. I was ashamed to be seen as his wife. I felt like I have this amazing person in him and he just deserved better than he had in me but I couldn't get my crap together. Now...I just want to loop my arm in his and say " Hey, here I am... I am Kent's girl". My feelings of course were all about me...not about him. Those feelings started long before he ever became part of my life and I am sorry that I have felt that way but it's a reality. Now he has this wild and crazy woman to deal with who can't get enough of him or life itself! :) He probably wonders where I have been! (giggle!)

There are ugly memories I have and I don't want to keep them fresh in my mind yet they keep me grounded. Sometimes when I am being really stupid I wonder how I can continue not doing what I know I should when I have these dark stories in my past. The truth is...I have no answer for that. I just know that I now have an attitude of not letting anything overcome or destroy or direct me. It is what it is...acknowledge it's presence deal with it and move on.

My personality has not changed as some may think it has. I just show it now instead of hiding it. So if folks are scratching their heads going..."who is this?"...Well, this is who I am. I have always had a nutty, loud, dance around the room, irreverent, crazy, shoot from the hip personality. There are so many things I have wanted to do with my life/in my life but didn't because "whatever" said I shouldn't. I'll have no more of that! I will stand at the end of my life knowing I lived it! I decided what was best for me and made my own choices. I am a butterfly! Butterflies are free to fly! I have lots of flying to do. I am blessed with an amazing children and an amazing husband who can explore life with! My journey is not all about how much weight I can take off! It's about knowing who I truly am, learning more of my Saviour and trying to be more Christlike in my dealings with others and myself. I want to be a better person.

1 comment:

EMILY said...

ok, I just came to your blog. I can't believe the transformation you have made! conratulations! you look awesome. i totally relate to this post. in fact, my husband recently started working for some of his old friends he grew up with. i haven't seen them for a few years. he flew out to denver to go to the office christmas party in december. they would have paid to fly me out too but i gave up the opportunity for a trip alone with my husband because i am too embarrassed about how big i am. i feel bad that he has to be seen with me. i want people to think he has a beautiful wife, not a chub! i sure hope i can keep the scale moving down.