Thursday, December 10, 2009

Floating on my back... the ocean...looking at the stars feeling very lost. That's how I feel lately. The motions gently pick me up and down but I am drifting and not really going anywhere but the water creeps over my face sometimes and it startles me and I feel I might drown. I tell my husband the "mist" is at my door. That green, glowing scariness that has found it's way to the threshold of my life at times has returned and I feel overwhelmed. This one is a doozy. Depression is an evil thing and I wish so many times that it had a physical form so I could face it, stare it down, stab it, beat it and destroy it. It doesn't work that way unfortunately. I have to go through the motions of my every day existence and pretend to be okay when it seems those moments of utter failure sweep over me more and more often and I feel so alone. My only saving grace is that I know this always does but then I wonder how much damage I do to myself while I am waiting for that to happen...just how much self destruction emotionally and then physically (because eating well and exercising are so far off my radar) will I do while this thing is here.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.........if only there were magic pill. Something to take and make it all better and make life amazing and "centered" all the time. That's not the case...this is my "cross" and always has been. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who is a light in my darkness who is a patient man when life is sucking me under. I don't wish he really understood because that would mean that he too has some taste of this but yet...if only he knew the great pain in my heart at times that I wish I could just give away and never have back.

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