Monday, July 6, 2009

Struggling with a "Trade Off"

You know...when I say what I do on here, I am thinking out loud. Indulge me...please. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am just putting my thoughts and the feelings of my heart out there for the universe to see I suppose...because it helps me. It really does. I go back when I am struggling and read and re-read what I wrote and it's a bit of a filter for me. It centers me sometimes when I am struggling.

For instance I am struggling right now a little with my body image. This may seem like the most bi-polar post when I go from previous post where I talk about how thrilled I am with the changes I see in my shape and muscle form....however there is the other side of that....and that is the side that I know I can't do anything about no matter what I do. The part that can only be fixed surgically. It is weird...weird...weird. I was sitting on the bed yesterday watching TV. Lazy Sunday afternoon thing. I looked up and caught a glimpse of myself and was like...Wow! Who is that girl? The face in the mirror...I almost didn't recognise her. I don't look like me....and this good! That's my face though. Take my clothes off...and now that I have lost so much....well....I imagine 50% of the rest of what I have to lose now is loose skin. I pinch at it and pull at it...and wish it wasn't there....and know that it's gonna be there until I have it taken off. I have some that tell me there is no need...Look how great I look...I have come so far...but they don't understand how it feels. I told my husband when I lean over my boobs look like "stalagmites" in a great underground cavern..hahahahahahaha. See I can laugh about some of it...hahahaha. You have to admit that is funny. Anyway....it's just a trade off ....bulging chub for this wrinkled, loose, sagging skin...and I hate it. I really do. I just look forward to the day when I can get this taken care of and be closer to my goal. I want to be at my goal weight for a while before I have any type of surgery because I will be out of commission for a bit and won't be able to exercise for several weeks.

So my ups and downs continue in this journey. It's never been easy and it never will be. I knew that going in to it. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a thread but the point is...I am hanging on and I never let go. Thank goodness I finally know how important I am and sabotaging myself and letting other things control me....well that ain't happening! I am still the captain of this ship! I decide! I choose! I set my course! 104.6 Today....yeah, after my 4th of July folly, a visit from "mother nature" and weighing AFTER breakfast. Not too shabby!

Selfish Lady Sends........

1 comment:

Sarah Marie said...

I think you have a great outlook. While I can't quite relate to all the wrinkly skin, I do understand the saggy part. And I did think your stalagmite joke was FUNNY. Keep on truckin'. You're doing great!