Thursday, July 30, 2009

I feel like I am floating on a raft in a huge ocean...

and I am still fighting...I realise I am still fighting. This entire week...and today being the absolute worst day of all...I am consumed with the fact that the battle in me rages on. People talk about needing to have a good cry...or get their "drink on" or just have a day to "fall apart" for whatever reason. I don't know if it was because I was "out of my element" for a couple of days and that frustrated me or I am PMS'ing...I just can't put my finger on it...but I just didn't handle the week well...which is unusual for me. So I am laying here on my "raft of emotions" trying to decide how I am going to handle this. Part of me embraces the fact that it felt good to "lose control" a little because I push myself so much constantly. The other part of me...hates that I lost control. It dawns on me that this is how it will always be this way and I have to be prepared for these times and I have to decide how to handle these feelings. Artie used to tell me to acknowledge them. So now I see they are very real. I screwed up! Okay...I screwed up! I guess I could shout it from the roof tops that I ate things I shouldn't have and didn't get to exercise two days out of the last 4...Woopie! I felt a little too close to the "old Amy" today...and I don't like her...but she still exists in me so I have to acknowledge that so I can move past her. I thought I was way past her but she is not as far away as I thought.

Some may read this and wonder why the psycho babel but I have to do this...because these are my disconnected thoughts and part of my journey. I am still mushing through this. I have lost almost 110 pounds, have 15 more to go probably and then whatever plastic surgery removes whenever that time comes. These last 15 are just not falling off...having 15 to lose is nothing like having 125 to it is so much's really hard. It's hard to find self acceptance...for all the changes I have made...I see myself through different glasses I am working on being satisfied.

Off to float on my raft of emotions...and stare at the stars....for that is how I feel tonight....a bit tossed and overwhelmed...but blessed all at the same time.

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