Merry Christmas

I went for a long walk today. 5 miles. As I walked I was filled once again with profound gratitude for the changes that have occurred over the last year. I decided that the greatest gift I could give myself and my family was this change. I feel so blessed. I had some friends over on Tuesday and we were talking and they asked me when I feel at "peace". I said I feel at peace when I take my walks. I know that each and every step I take is only possible because of the strength I have been given through my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have been shown so much mercy when I have goofed up and stumbled. I feel so grateful when I walk each and every time. This gift of health and change has given me a new beginning. I like this one best of all my presents. :) I will keep on using this one for sure.

202.8 Today....

68.8 and I am wondering if I will see the a 1 in front of the numbers by first part of January. It is a possibility. I hope so anyway. I was walking the other night and thinking my "deep thoughts" as I often do. I remember when I lost so much weight before and then turned around and quickly gained it back again. I tortured myself over the years with looking back at this blog and other places at pictures of the very thin me. I was asking myself as I walked how I am going to make sure that never happens again. How do I make sure when I reach my goal can I maintain my goal. First, I think I need to be realistic. At first my goal was 160 and while I believe I can probably get to 160, I also believe I will be outrageously thin if I do. So 170-175 is probably more in an area that would be healthy, and would be a great healthy weight that I'd look good/feel good and would find a place I could maintain. Then I think about flexibility. I know I need to move toward an area of flexibility in my eating. Right now I can't because of this elimination diet but once this 4 weeks is over with, I need to work harder at making dinner that not only my family eats but I can eat. Many times I eat something different than they eat. Again, that is not a realistic way to live for the rest of my life and it can get to be miserable. So blending and finding flexibility and more creativity. It would probably solve a big issue of the "what's for dinner Mom" question that comes up constantly. Planning ahead, buying ahead and perhaps even preparing ahead would help eliminate some frustration. My family can benefit from healthy eating. They ate better before, and they can certainly do it again. I also believe that I could benefit from counseling. My weight is not just about overeating and lack of exercise for years. It is other things and I need to work out those kinks so I can stay on track and find tools to stay motivated. I blog and this is my way to record my thoughts and feelings. It is one "tool" I use. I walk. I wear my exercise clothes more than I wear regular clothes because they remind me that I need to get out and get moving. I do a lot of little things on my own but some insight and guidance from someone else might be helpful.

Baking...Baking....Baking....

I can't believe I have gotten in to the spirit of things and actually baked and baked! I still have peanut butter balls to coat in white chocolate and chocolate, and pretzel rods to dip. I realize that even though I am not partaking in these delights, I still need to keep up with the holiday traditions. The kids have enjoyed having the cookies around to munch on too. That makes me happy. It has been a good and weird week. I had a Dr.'s appointment early in the week and he suspects I have something called "IC" which is a bladder issue. So I have been put on an "IC elimination diet" for 4 weeks. It sucks. Once my bladder is calmed down then we will add things bad to see what it is that is causing the issue. I have a feeling it is going to be chocolate, artificial sweeteners, coffee and anything else that I really love. I will deal with it though if it gets rid of the bladder issues. Friday, I took my daughters shopping and for grins I went in to Victoria Secret to find out what size bras they carry. One of the associates there talked me in to a "fitting" and I was stunned to see I can wear Victoria Secret bra. STUNNED!!!! Then I went in to the GAP and tried on a size 14 pair of jeans and they fit. Of course I shouldn't have been too shocked because I was wearing a pair of size 14 pants to begin with. Things are going well. I have this way I measure my progress and it is silly but it kind of goes like...I know I have lost more weight because they finally use the regular blood pressure cuff on me. I can now wrap a towel around myself completely with no gaps. These are some little things but they are HUGE victories! GIANT ones. Tonight I did something that I haven't done since living here. I went for a night time walk. The day caught up with me and I needed to walk so I put on my reflective vest, and my headlamp, and grabbed a flashlight and went out. It was really calm and peaceful and I am so glad I went. What a difference it makes and to go without headphones and music and just listen to the world around me. It was amazing. I continue to feel so blessed. I find strength from places I didn't know I had it and it comes from above. My family is a huge love and support for me. I am motivated by my desire to overcome my own personal obstacles that have tripped me up in the past and a heartfelt desire to be healthy and capable of enjoying any activity.

66 Pounds Away....

205.6 today. 66 down and many more to go but definitely less ahead than behind me now. It has been such a busy week. I had a great weekend as I completed my first 5K at the Seattle Jingle Bell Walk/Run on Sunday. That was so fun and I did it to honor a dear friend whom I have watched suffer with RA. When she couldn't go any further, her 9 year old daughter and I continued on. I told her little girl that she was doing this for her Mom. It was pretty cool to get to the finish line and remind her that she just walked this for her. After walking the 5K, I decided that I need to push myself harder and perhaps try running again...probably for the umpteenth time so I downloaded the Couch to 5K app on my phone and started it on Monday. My first day was not a huge success as I spent most of my time holding up my pants that were sliding off of me while I was running. Those are no longer going to be worn and will be donated. Today was my second day and it was another interesting day. I found my boobs popped out of my sports bra while running but I wasn't going to stop and fix them so I kept on. I also noticed something in the shoe I have been wearing all day. It wasn't until I got home that I took off my shoe to find a big piece of cardboard with a staple in it. It is as if someone is conspiring against me. I ran anyway...only missed one prompt to run because it was uphill and honestly I just couldn't do it but otherwise it was a good jaunt out today. I told my husband that I have got to work all these "costume changes" out before hand. Make sure my bra and pants fit and there is nothing in my shoes, oh and they are tied tight enough (another problem) before I go. I also went to the Dr. who has been working with me on my bladder issues and I am going to have to be on a special elimination diet for 4 weeks that is going to be really strict and cuts out a lot of things I enjoy. I eat really healthy but this is really going to be crazy for me. Oh well, if it helps the problem and we can figure out what is bothering me...then it's worth it I guess.

It's Wednesday....

I kind of consider this my official weigh in day. So while I weighed in yesterday, I stripped anyway and got on the scale and it was 208.8. I am am so excited to be a "onsie". It is less than 9 pounds away. Awe...I can't explain what just that right there does for my self confidence. I was so depressed about myself and just didn't think I could ever change again. Yet now I am here and it feels great to move these boulders out of my way one at a time. Somedays I feel like I am swimming in quick sand but I get out and I do what I need to and the difference is night and day. I feel so much better because I did it anyway. I am my priority. I am a selfish lady again.

I am getting there.

210 this morning. It has been a slower week but my goal was to get to 210 by the time I picked up my daughter from the airport this coming Friday night. It looks as though I will meet that goal. I am very happy with that. I know things come in waves and I am sure this is my time for that. I have felt kind of sluggish this week. I have been suffering from a UTI. That has sucked. Yesterday I walked 5 miles and the last part of it really was rough. I had to remind myself that I probably wasn't being the smartest since I have an infection. I just feel like I need to push through things. Today it is raining and incredibly windy. We are supposed to get winds of 50-60 mph. That is not optimal for walking so it will be a day of weights for me. Hopefully I won't being doing them by candlelight. :) I keep my eye on the prize and my original "goal" was to be under 200 by the time I was 50. So if I am under 200 by the time I am 49 in mid February, that would be thrilling. If I am being truthful which I always try to be, I would be disappointed if it didn't happen sooner but I know realistically the slower the better. I just have to keep my head in the game.

Holidays and Hurried Days

Tis the season to be so busy and I am doing my best to not feel overwhelmed. I love this time of year but it is so different. I am anxious for the arrival of my daughter as she returns from her first semester away from home at college. I am trying to balance babysitting my grandbaby, and playing cab to kids and getting them where they need to go. In the midst of all that it is darker earlier so making sure I get my walk in becomes a challenge but I get out there but not like I want to. I want the time to walk those 5 milers whenever I want and with days like they are lately, there just isn't the time. Last week when it snowed I was getting so frustrated because as beautiful as it was it was interfering with what I wanted to be doing. I walked in it but it wasn't how or what I wanted. I didn't feel in control. I felt as though I could fall on my face at any moment, or vulnerable. This week will be a week that will feel like I am spiraling and I am going to have to hang on. I have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for my daughter. My eldest is getting her wisdom teeth removed so that means babysitting an adult child. I have a 5K to get ready for on Sunday and I am not finished with all the stuff I need to do for Christmas. Lots of "hurried days" this week. Hopefully, I will stay the course and find plenty of time in there for me. My goals haven't change and I have continued to keep on with what I have set my heart on. I don't plan on changing plans now.

61 pounds. Yow!

I got on the scale this morning and was excited to see it said 210.6. The reason for my excitement was because I have a goal that I am 210 by the 12th when my daughter gets here from college. Then in slowly dawned on me that I have now lost 60 pounds. I had a "no wait a minute moment" and realized, it was 61 pounds...so yay. I am excited about that but really glad that I have .6 pounds to lose by next Friday to meet my next "goal". I feel like that is definitely doable. Last night I went downstairs and worked out with the weights. I cranked up the music and did about 30 minutes working on arms, legs and actually tried some sit ups. I hate to admit that it felt like I just wasn't doing those right. What in the heck is a sit up supposed to feel like. I wish I remembered. I know there is an appropriate way to do them but I just don't remember. Grrr....Guess I need to do that up and do my research. Yesterday, I went out "window shopping" and also to pick up a few stocking stuffers. I had a rush of joy come over me in one store when I realized that all these beautiful clothes I was looking at...I could wear. I could actually buy off the rack. Of course they were way out of my price range but I can finally go in a regular women's department and buy off the rack instead of heading to the 1X/2X/3X section. That is reason right there to make me have such a joyful and happy heart. These are the feelings I want to imprint on my soul and remember so when I am tempted to give up, and throw my hands up and just say "I am sick of this"....to remember. This is really hard. It is hard when my family constantly asks what it for dinner and I am still struggling with hold to mesh what I want with what they want. I need to set a goal to work harder on that and balance, balance, balance that. I am still seperating myself a lot. I just feel like I need to and they are not going to want to eat as many green things and veg things as I feel like I need. I don't eat a ton of salad stuff, I just have more veg's than I eat meat or carbs. I LOVE roasted veg's. Last night I made some ham, and I made them some mac & cheese, but I also made some roasted sweet potatoes dusted with cumin & chili powder, and roasted brocolli for me. I ate just a little ham, a smallish portion of the sweet potatoes but chowed down on the brocolli. During all my running around yesterday I didn't get to "eat" a proper lunch so it consisted of an apple and cheese stick but it was something. I am rambling but I keep this blog of ramblings for me so it's okay. Today is a great day and I am proud of myself for the changes I have made and for how great I feel. I want to live. I want to keep smiling. I want to enjoy my family! I want to be happy. In the end when I get to that "goal"....my hope is that getting there will only make all of that easier. I mean the physicality of enjoying some of lifes pleasures with my family that I have avoided because I was uncomfortable with my size. I want to get there...and keep working to stay there. That will be a "rest of my life" challenge.

I know this is a crazy thing to post a picture of...

But today is December 1st, and this is a picture of my lower half and these are size 14 jeans and I just wanted a picture for a "record". Crazy, I know but I am just curious how long it will take for me to get these bad boys on. We'll see. My hope, it will be January 1, but that will mean a lot of sit ups and I don't do sit ups. Ha!Ha! I guess I better get busy.

On another note, I hate to be a bit whiner but it snowed the other day and it has totally messed up my walking. I went yesterday but I did 2.38 miles. Today I did 3.25 miles but it wasn't my usual fast paced walking because I was too busy trying not to break my neck on black ice. I went because I needed to keep going even though it was 29 degrees outside and scary every other step. I have to keep going. We (as in my my hubby and me) got a weight bench yesterday which is exciting. That is going to allow me to add a whole new addition to my workouts. I just need to figure out a plan.

My favorite time of the day....

I absolutely love early mornings when the entire house is still and no one is up but me. It is nice and quiet, and still. The wind is blowing outside and it is pretty dark outside and it is just peaceful. If I didn't have somewhere to be pretty soon, I'd be putting on my walking clothes and heading out the door. Oh well. I will do that later. Saturday it is "supposed" to snow which is not a super common occurence for here so I am not holding my breath. It will be cold though so what that means for me is some cold weather walking. Yay. Kinda. I got on the scale today and it was 214.2 so now I am down 57.4. My goal was to be at 215 by December 1, so I am happy to know I will be there. My "inner", selfish me would love to be 210 by the time my daughter comes home for Christmas on the 12th. That would give me just over 2 weeks to lose about 4 pounds and since things are slowing down a bit I am not going to push it. It's just a "Wow, that would be so cool" goal for my record book. So I am putting it on the record. December 14th is the Jingle Bell Run and I am looking forward to doing that with a dear friend. I made a crazy tutu that was a major undertaking and I will never make another one again. I had no idea what in the hell I was doing. I have never done a 5K before, done the Half Marathon but nothing else so this will be fun to get back and do an event like this, especially with such a good friend. It is opportunities like this I am so excited to participate in now that I feel physically more able. What a blessing. In the Spring I plan to fly to Cali and walk across the Golden Gate Bridge and back with my best friend. This is the "reward" I had chosen when I break 200. I am so excited to do that. It is motivating to me to set goals. It is kind of like throwing things out in front of myself and once I reach it, I grab it and then throw it out further so I have something to look forward to in the future. There always has to be goals, and something to keep in my mind.

Tomorrow in Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for. I am blessed far more than I deserve.

Odd thoughts....

Last night I was in the shower and I bent over to wash my feet of all things and I had a really weird thought. That thought rolled in to another one....then in to another. The first thought was how grateful I was to be able to bend over with ease to wash my feet. I remember the balancing act I used to do to have to such things. Being brutally honest here. A harder "yoga" like feat was putting on my pants standing up with out falling in to the wall. So I began to feel a sense of gratitude for how things of changed. Some people won't be able to relate to this but I know others will. Then I started to have some rather sad thoughts. I realized that one day there will come a time that I won't be able to stand in a shower and take care of myself. I may not be able to stand and put on my own pants. I will rely on the assistance of others. I know those sound like such "morbid" thoughts at this time in my life but I guess this comes from having a daughter that is a CNA and works with the elderly. Anyway...it leads me to the thoughts that I want to live and enjoy the rest of my life. I don't want to hate this body of mine anymore and feel so trapped by it. I turn 49 in February and I suppose I consider myself approaching "middle age" so I have no time to waste.....none at all.

Just bought these....

So now I got do a little heavy lifting.  :) 

Two pictures

I am overwhelmed with just how much things have changed in less than a year. I think I hated the thought of being captured in a photo with my new granddaughter last January. This is me today and I get happier as each day comes. Life is a gift.

Peeling back the layers of the onion....one at a time.

This whole weight loss thing gets me thinking. It is a bit consuming and probably not what I wanted but at the same time I find myself in places where my soul is just wide open to emotion. I feel a great and profound connection with my Saviour. I am torn right now because I don't go to church but I miss the community of the church of my "raising". However, I am conflicted about things there. Doctrinal stuff. I was walking the other day and having a talk with myself about the fact that I don't know how to handle this and a very still small voice whispered...."Pray about it". How simple. Pray about it. That requires me to be open to receive and willing to hear answers whether I like them or not. Sometimes I can resist that. It's hard. If it were not for the faith I have in prayer, and the strength I know that has come from my Heavenly Father I would have buckled long ago as I have gone through some of the things I have been through as a Mom. I guess I have always known when I have faced some real challenges that it was going to be okay. I feel this way now and as I peel away each layer of what is happening in my life, and face each challenge...I know I have support from on high. My perspective is growing differently and my prayers continue to be that it will continue in that direction. I am learning to protect what is best for me. I have to in order to survive and be successful. It is just layers and layers of junk but it is also layers and layers of letting go, giving up, giving away and setting free old ways, old habits, the old "Me".

Yet another week has come and gone....

I did my traditional stripping of the oh so "oversized" but heavenly comfortable fleece jammies this morning. In my birthday suit I climbed "Mt. Scale" I think I will start calling it and it read 216.6 so I am now a "teen" again and have lost 55 pounds. Perhaps my goal to be 215 by December 1 will be attainable after all but I am always leary about these things. I have backed off the November 100 mile challege because it just wasn't making me happy. I love to go on the walks I love to go on, and the lengths and times I want to go on. Feeling as though I have to push myself to some crazy limit to meet this challenge isn't what I have been enjoying and if there is no joy, then why do it. I find myself back to my walks of 4 miles here, 5 there, 3 some days or even happily skipping a day very guiltlessly. That is what I love about how I do this. It's just my way. I know a gym is in my future and that is getting closer but I think it will wait until the spring. I have a pile of weights and perhaps I need to get my butt downstairs and pick one up soon. (BIG GRIN!) That is another battle of the brain I will have to work through so that I make sure I don't give up when I start that process. It's great at first but then gets very mundane.

I am so looking forward to the holidays, and going Christmas shopping in the big city with my daughters. I can dress sharp and walk effortlessly and feel proud that not long ago I couldn't do "this". The other day I was at the end of a good 5 miles and I was struggling a little bit and I thought of a few people in my life with struggles with health and I knew that they probably would give anything to be able to do what I just did. I quit my inner whinning and pushed ahead. I am blessed. SUPER blessed. Sometimes, I forget that and need to remember that when the "I can't do this" pops in my brain. I honestly want to be here for a very long time to love, to live and to enjoy life with my family and having good health is really a key to that. I have the responsibility to do something about what I have "messed up" you might say. I know that. I am also praying, praying, praying like crazy that my children will see me and NOT follow in my footsteps. I pray they will see the struggles and they will not walk down this path. It is not worth it. Stay healthy, be physical, be active, live life. Love yourself and don't punish it with food and inactivity. I know there are some things in our life we can't control but what we can...take charge of. This is why I am so passionate about this. I can control this, this is within my power to do something about.

So it's Wednesday....

I have to admit, I made it to Tuesday before I peeked at the scale. I am all for being up front and honest with myself here. It has helped to wait and not do the on and off every morning. This morning's weight is 220.4 so that is a loss of 51.2 since the end of July. The biggest "loss" for me is that of those sluggish feelings. It feels so much better to have some movement and energy now. That is more exciting than the number, almost. I am going to attempt wait another week before I peek at the scale again. Hopefully I will be in the teens by next week but I feel a plateau coming so I am a realist. We'll see. My next "mini" goal is to be 215 by December 1. That might be hard to do and is merely a goal. One can only try to reach out and see where it goes.

So much walking lately...Wow!

Yesterday I was on a long walk and I found myself multiple times with a "Cheshire" cat-like grin on my face. It is crazy to feel such joy and happiness in pouring rain while jugging up a hill but there I was. One point my mind wandered back to a memory of me when I lived in Houston and I was training for the Half Marathon. I cut through a high school parking lot that happened to be next to a gym. I was feeling so happy and so proud of myself that I started doing airplanes with my arms outstretched and running in circles. I am sure the people on their spin bikes over looking the parking lot wondered what the crazy lady in the parking lot below was doing but I was just "having a moment". Lately, I am starting to have those moments. They are moments of joy and pride and gratefulness that I finally feel so much better. My body feels better, I move better and I sleep better and I have more energy and there are more smiles. When I was at the park walking on Friday I saw a young woman jogging and notice her jump up and touch the leaves of the trees with a big smile. I smiled back at her because I felt like "I got it". I get it. I get why this is so important...this change, I need this and I have to keep holding on to me. I need more of this.

Breaking through the guilt.

The other day I went and had a fun lunch with one of my dearest friends. My food choice? A beautiful "Washington Apple Salad" with blackened Sockeye Salmon on it. It also had candied walnuts and gorgonzola cheese crumbles and a raspberry vinergrette. I ate every bit of it because it was not only pretty to look at but honestly it tasted amazing. The thing that really sucks is I spent the rest of the day, and part of the next and part of the next feeling guilty over that darn salad. Yes, a salad! This is a plague that I have lived with...and I have GOT to get OVER it. I need to be able to go and enjoy something and leave that event, feeling pleasure not guilt. I didn't eat a donut, or a chocolate molten lava cake or a giant steak and potato dinner, I ate a great salad. My mind wanders to the sweet dressing though and how many calories might had been in it, or was that just too many walnuts, or were they too candied or how about that cheese, huh? This kind of thinking is so dangerous and will be my undoing and it is the guilt that I have to break through. I am working on it. I really am and I feel like being aware of that fact that I do it is a huge plus. I was talking to a friend and I told her it is like holding a grudge against myself and I don't like grudges. This is a food grudge and it last for days. It makes me miserable and I try to figure out ways to torture myself to balance whatever it is I ate that I think was so bad. In the winter after the holidays my husband and I are going to go on a trip to stay in a cabin and play in the snow. We will take food to make for ourselves and the LAST thing I want to do is make him feel terrible by seperating what I eat from what he eats. I want to enjoy myself. So I have to find a healthy balance and YES, in life there is a healthy balance. If we don't find that...then it's quits and I will find myself back where I started. I have no intention of doing that. I am committed to myself and learning to work through these changes and subtle nuances that keep popping up in my head and heart. I also challenged myself also to stay off the scale until next Wednesday...so far...so good. The other challenge...water...just eh! On another note...I kicked ass and walked 6 miles yesterday. It kills my big toes though. It's terrible but I push through.

Yee Haw!

This morning I was looking for some pants to wear that were not yoga pants. One pair after another I pulled out of my closet and they were too big. It sucked because it's cold outside. So I went shopping and grabbed 18's and just for grins some 16's. Every pair of 18's I tried on were too big. This is me in size 16. I will take it!!!

Little Pleasures

I had to post a picture of these yummy Fiber Bars from Trader Joe's. I got them yesterday and had one this afternoon and I swore I was eating something naughty. Lately I don't crave nor even have an affection for anything sweet. However when I tasted this thing, I was like...Wow! This is a treat! So for those of my friends that read this and have the luxury of a Trader Joe's available...I recomend these goodies. I eat something like this between meals for the fiber/protein/carbs.

I am challenging myself this week. I got on the scale and it read 223.6 this morning. That is a loss of 48 pounds. I drive myself a little crazy because I get on the scale daily and I really need to stop. So my "Challenge" is to not get back on the scale again until next Wednesday morning. That is my goal and I am sticking to it. Let's see how this goes. My other goal is to drink more water. I have a bladder issue that I am working with a Dr. on and have some tests to be run next week about. I resist drinking water because of it. I need to overcome that. So my other challenge to myself is to drink more water and just "go with the flow". Ha!Ha! I made a joke! I crack myself up. :)

Back to the "slowing down" pace....

My body goes through cycles. I have periods of fast weight loss and then it slows, it happens here and there over the course of a month. I can tell when it is holding on and I am in a holding on pattern. I am not too worried about it. I suppose I would be if I were doing anything different or "cheating" as it were but I am not. I think this is just the bodies way of adjusting to change and it has definitely been through a lot. So it's all good. Just a very few squeeky pounds and I will hit the -50 mark so I think that it is okay to let nature catch up and things sort of settle in. I accepted a 100 mile challenge for the month of November. This means I either walk or run (not happening, running I mean) 100 miles in November. So far it is going great. It has me walking a little further than I normally do but at the same time it is nice to challenge myself to push on and reach further. I am whipped by the time I am done but it's a good whipping. Ha!Ha! I just don't usually walk every day and not that far so I am banking some miles so I can skip a day here or there. I believe you have to do that. We need breaks. Bodies have to rest.

A Little Stunned....

I have had a cold and not felt well for other reasons. Sunday I just felt like I needed to walk. It had really been stormy on Saturday, and the few days leading up to that had been nasty and rainy. That is just how it is here. Sunday had a different feel to it though. It was kind of like walking out of the house after a hurricane. It wasn't that bad but it was quiet outside, the sun was up, it was really breezy and the the streets were a mess. There was was pine needles, and tree limbs and just stuff everywhere. For some weird, unexplainable reason it gave me energy to explore and so I set out and walked. I told my husband I was going on a long walk and if I need him to listen for his phone because I might call. I guess I knew it would be a long one. It was awesome. It felt so good to have energy and momentum and I just kept going and I walked all the way down to a beach area where I could see the city. I got to one point and I wondered if I needed to call or if could make back and I decided I could do it and I did. He texted me and was worried but I told him I was fine and would be home in a bit. So it ended a nice 5 miles and it was wonderful and I got a bit tearful when I realized I am finally hitting that point where I can do this. Even clunking up the hills, huffing or puffing...I can still do this and it is not killing me.

The part that stunned me is that I wondered if I might be able to get to 225 by Nov. 1. I thought it might be hard but possible. I keep having to readjust my goals because I keep losing pretty fast which is okay in one way but worries a little bit in another. So yesterday I got on the scale and was shocked as it was only the 27th, and I weighed in at 224.8. I realize that I can go up and down ounces on a daily basis but there's my Nov. 1 goal met. That puts me at -46.8 Wow. I have all these things swirling around in my head. How long is it going to take me to get where I am going and how far am I going to let myself go and then how do I balance myself when I get to my goal? I am not a little girl. I have huge hands, big feet, literally skin stretched over bones I am a nice size 12, and 10 at the smallest. I am not tiny and don't believe my body was ever intended to be such. I also need to start working on more than just walking because while it is helping me with energy and stamina and losing weight, it is doing nothing for shaping my body in to anything great. I just have a history with gyms. It's a start/stop relationship. Hey, that is kind of like me and diets. Ha!Ha! I don't want that. I have heard a lot about this "Crossfit" but don't know if that would really be my thing or not. I just don't want to invest in something only to stop it plus I have so little time. That is what I love, love, love, LOVE about walking. I can fit it around MY schedule and it helps me in more ways that just physically. It has been the biggest help to have that time to "walk away" some times and pray and just self talk and clear my brain of what is eating away at me. This is one of the reasons why I love walking alone. It's my own "private Idaho" in my head and no-one is invited to crazy town. Ha!Ha! No one would like to go near that place. :)

Self Indulgent Pic

Down 44.6 pounds but I was so excited to lay my hands on this t-shirt from my one and only half marathon 5 years ago. It fits!!!!!! So I am sharing my selfie, smirk and all. :)

Moving right along....

So the rain has started and I know now is the time that it's going to get really hard. I haven't felt well lately. I have walked every other day for the last 5 or so days. That's not great. I am on an antibiotic now so I am hoping that is curing what is ailing me and I will be on the mend. Today will be a walk in the rain though. I am determined. Yesterday, I was a grilling fool and we grilled 3 pounds of chicken breasts, a bunch of shrimp and a couple steaks. Having the grilled proteins to throw on salads or in a wrap makes life a little easier. I froze what I thought I couldn't eat before it went bad. I even have some for later. I got on the scale this morning and I am down over 43 pounds now. I have met my October goal and well on my way to my November goal. I am constantly re-adjusting. Finally, I believe I can see a different me staring back. I still see a heavy girl because I off course am a heavy girl. I believe I need to see it that way but there is something different about me and it's better. I say I need to see the heavy girl because I need to ease in to this change this time. I was telling my husband the other night that that there is a funny thing, I don't miss certain foods I am not eating. I am not sure why that is. I don't eat sugar and I don't crave it. I have not found myself missing sweets, or chips, or buttery things that I used to comfort myself with. It's almost odd. I am not complaining, I just think it's different. I hope that it's because I am getting enough of whatever it is my body needs right now that it doesn't trip my brain wires for that stuff. I do have a bite of 70% chocolate here and there. That is my one vice and it's good for me. :)

Depression is such a beast.

I am not shy about sharing the fact that I suffer from depression and have my entire life. I was diagnosed as a young Adult. It is something that I wrestle with at some periods in my life more than others.  In other words it can be so much more palpable at times and it feels like I am drowning. I feel guilty because there are people who have problems so much bigger than mine yet I dredge mine up when I am struggling because they feed this monster. It is as if I need to give myself a reason to cry and feel withdrawn. The truth is that those feelings come even when things can be great. Unfortunately right now I am overloaded and don't see a way to clear out some of the extra stress so I just have to plow through. I can and I will. I just feel like a soda bottle that has been shaken up and is about to blow. I can control only what I can control. I can keep eating well and exercise and pray and ride out the storm for however long this one lasts.

Just Thinking.....

I blog a lot. This is my way of clearing the cob webs out of my head. I usually don't have a lot of time at home when it just me. It's crazy but true. My life has changed so much and while I love being a Grandma, in some ways it is so difficult. I guess it has put me in place where I just didn't expect to be at this point in my life which feels like the Mom of an infant again. So there is a lot of pressure, and I feel a bit as though I have lost myself. It is a weird place and I don't really don't know how to explain it. I absolutely adore my grandbaby and would move mountains for her but I struggle sometimes in this weird place I am at. I was looking at the picture of me I took yesterday with the gray hair and I thought to myself that maybe I don't want to have gray hair yet. I thought I did but maybe not yet. It took me a long time to let it all come in but I don't feel like I look that old, and when I look at that picture, I see tired. Ugg.... There is just pain in my heart because of lot of things, and when I hurt emotionally I have eaten. When I have been sad or overwhelmed, I have sat and pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep the world away. This after so many years has caused me to come to this place that is so hard to move away from. So I now am taking my baby steps, and I write about any and everything that crosses my head. I need to because I go back and read this and it helps figure this stuff out. Whys and hows and what fors....there are reasons for all of this. If I am going to make it to wherever it is I am trying to get to, I have to give up old ways and change. I tell my other daughter..."one breath at a time". I need to remember that advice.

Pictures

I didn't realize when I asked my husband to take my picture today that it is exactly one month ago from the last one he took. So I am not sure of the exact weight difference but one of me in red is today, down 38 pounds now. Perhaps the 8th of the month should now be the day I snap a pic to see if there is a difference.  Oh how I wish my boobs didn't look like they were smashed around my waist. That's a sports bra for ya!

Inspiration

I heard this song on one of my walks the other day, and now everytime it comes on my Pandora radio it becomes a bit of an anthem for me. Then I watched the video. Yesterday when I couldn't get up the hill, I remembered I could breathe. I can walk,I can move, I can live. I can do this. Many can't. I need to quit fighting and just do this and be grateful that I am blessed for the ability to try to change because things could be a whole lot different. I am trying to add the link but if it doesn't work. Check out One Republic's "I Lived". It's an INSPIRATION.

Why some walks just kick my ass, I'll never know....

Lately there have been some really bad walks for me. I am glad I have gone but they just are total ass kickers and today was one of them. I don't know if it was because I added a mile to it. Perhaps it was because it was hotter than usual but that last mile had me self talking the entire way home. "Listen Amy, you have walked 6, 7, 10, HECK, you have walked over 13 miles, you can get up a darn hill!" I was telling my husband this and he reminded me. "How long had you been at it when you walked that 13 miles?" and I said it had been over a year. Then he asked how long I have been at it now, and I said just over 2 months. So I guess there is my answer...sorta. I still think there is some mystery in there and it has to do with my energy and what I am or am not eating because somedays I am full of energy, and other days I am pooped and dragging. I go anyway but what a struggle. I have thought that perhaps a food journal may be in my future so I can pin point what a "good day" looks like compared to a bad day. Hubby says it's the carbs but in my whiniest voice I "don't wanna" add more because I think I eat a decent amount, and good ones too. Today, I actually cooked something I have never made before. I bought Salmon. I cooked it in a skillet, and then had that with a salad and half of a light skinned sweet potato for lunch. It was pretty good. It would have been much better grilled but not bad for my first try at cooking Salmon. That was my 3rd time in a week eating fish, so go me! I am making potato soup for the family for dinner and I believe I will make lentils for myself. I have discovered that if I cook them with Rotel, and chicken stock and other vegetables like carrots, red pepper, garlic, celery, onion, they are really yummy, and a little spicy. I guess I will figure all this out in time, little by little. I just have to hang in there. As I was walking down the road to head off for my walking, my shoulders were slumped and I was feeling a bit discouraged. I was asking myself if I could keep fighting. As I was walking the last bit home, beet red faced, sweating, and huffing and puffing, I told myself and I am fighting for my life. I literally fighting this battle for my life, and I will have to keep fighting. Those demons that want to push me back and tell me this is way to hard, or it's not working or it's taking too long. F#%* em! I can't listen to that! I will get there, one foot in front of the other foot, in front of the other foot..............and so it will go.

The scale moved....yay!!!!

Tomorrow starts the month of October and my goal is to lose 10 per month. I got on it this morning as I hadn't for a few days and was shocked it had moved a few pounds. Hurray! That means that now I am not quite but close to a 3rd of the way to my October goal already having lost 3 of my October pounds already. So 7 more to go for me and I will be in the 220's and that is an AMAZING, AMAZING thought. Did I say AMAZING? It is freaking AMAZING!!!! I will truly squeel with delight when I see 220 something on that scale! Holy cow! I can also finally see that person in the mirror that is me. That young, bright, happier ME. I see cheek bones and I am beginning to see ME. Now to get comfortable with me. It is kind of exciting to see that person staring back. I just have to get reaquinted with her. My gray hair doesn't quite match that young face but I am not going back to coloring it. Nope. I have earned these silver locks and I love every strand of it. So I am sticking with the Grandma style. Just going to be rocking, a younger, healthier, smilier Grandma body as I continue to work on the inner and outer me. I have to admit that I am a little worried about the dark, cold, and rain that is ahead this winter but I just have to push through that and make it part of what I LOVE instead of what I hate. I believe I can do that. I can find that in me. If it is making me better and leading me to a place of progress then I can finding something good in it. I just have to learn to move safely in in and not slide down the moss. :) I am doing this. I am REALLY doing this. Oh yeah...my shoes will be here today!!!!! Double good news!!!!!!

Thoughts

As I sit here with a sleeping grandbaby in my one arm, I type with the other hand. While I was driving her Mom to work this morning I was thinking many things. One of them was "I could be out walking this early" but the other was how can I make sure this is permanent? I have been down the road of working my ass off to thin only to come to a dead stop and gain everything back. So how do I make sure this time is different? I have so much pain emotionally and I hate the hard work it takes to change. It feels as though fear, past hurt and emotions weigh as much as fat does. I walk up hills I would rather not but I have to. I'd just assume give up some days because it's hard but it is reflective of life. Some of those hills I trudge up literally and I want to stop,  thumb a ride. LOL It doesn't work that way though. I have to get up it on my own. So I guess every time I walk I am climbing my own metaphor. Prayer is in my heart that I will keep fighting,  and keep climbing.  When those stop signs come and I know they will, I just have to look both ways and cross safely and keep moving.  These little toes want a healthy Grandma. I want a healthy me and some freedom from a body that traps me emotionally and physically.

Two Months Ago Today

I started this "new journey" again two months ago today. As of today I am down 32.2 pounds. I am happy with that and it is honestly more than I expected when I started out. I have to admit that I started to get a little greedy and was hoping to squeek out a little more out but honestly, that is a heck of a great loss in two months. So my hope is that things will continue at a steady pace and I can be satisfied with myself. My goal is 10 per month from here on out until February, and then I will look at where I want to go from there because once I am under 200, then I have to set an "end" goal. 175 is really a beautiful number for me but we will see how it goes. I just want to do this one step at a time. One baby step at a time. For now, it is nice to know that I am less than 40 pounds from my original goal and that was to be under 200 by my 50th Birthday. If I stay on track...I do think I may see that for my 49th. Who knows...it could happen.

I am also very excited to say that my sweetheart of a husband told me to go ahead and buy those shoes I have been eyeballin'. So come Tuesday, Mama will have a new pair of shoes. I sure hope they fit. I walked 4 miles today and I was wishing for some magic on my feet. I am not crazy enough to think that shoes will make this easier but a girl can hope, right?

Plateaus suck eggs...

I think I have been sitting on one for more than a week and it stinks. I may have broken through finally but it sucks. I took a break from the scale for a couple of days because it was honestly doing nothing but frustrating me. There is no point in being frustrated when I am doing what I need to be doing. Things will happen. I just need to hang in there.

On another note, tonight I really pushed myself and walked further than I have in a long time. I did 5.32 miles and it really felt amazing. I was dragging the last bit but for the bulk of it my energy was all there and I was enjoying myself. I truly LOVE walking. Yes, there are days I have to push myself out the door but I love it once I am out there. Today was just extra great and knowing I was exceeding my usual made it all the better. I have also found that the music I listen to makes a difference. Junk music doesn't motivate me. I have a "Barlow Girl" station on my Pandora Radio that is Christian Rock and it just makes me feel better. It's a funny thing but while I loves me some Pitt Bull, the nasty stuff just does nothing for my thoughts when I am out walking and trying to clear my head, heart and soul.

Walking In The Rain

Yesterday I didn't let a little rain hold me back. It felt amazing and rewarding in its own way. I live in an area where cold and wet are part of the climate so after a nice summer it appears the season has changed. I just have to plow through it. I need to find the right clothing and attitude and that will keep me warm and dry.

Happily I can say that I had to purchase smaller jeans this week. 2 sizes smaller. I still say I don't see it but my jeans and denim capris were about to fall off of me. That is a victory. Small steps in the right direction.

Eyeballin'

I don't like the shoes I currently have but they were expensive Brooks that I asked for last Christmas. It's hard to rationalize spending over $100 on new shoes BUT, these are Asics and my history with them has been has been awesome! Generally I don't wear anything but until I went with the Brooks. I should have stuck with my instincts. So...I am kind of eyeballing these and trying to decide if I should go ahead and just do it, or wait and reward myself. It could be a Christmas Gift or birthday gift. I don't know. I honestly don't like spending that much on just one thing, on me. We'll see.

My September Goal DONE!

So happy to say I met September goal and I still have over a week and a half left in the month left. I got on the scale this morning and it read 239.8. I did the usual scale dance I do, on and off, and on and off, a couple of times. Happily it stayed put, so I'll take it. Now I can start moving toward that October goal. There is a little motivator in my head and I am sure it is probably not accurate but I can't turn it off for some reason. I kind of look at things like this. If I am at the bottom of a hill, if I have a 100 pound pack on my back, it is going to be twice as hard to get up the hill as if I have a 25 pound pack on my back. So my theory is, the lighter I get, the easier it is going to get to move the weight up the hill. I don't know. I am probably kidding myself because even when I was 175 pounds I really worked out, and it was a hard workout. It just felt different. The energy was different. I guess that is what I am searching for. That better feeling energy instead of the huffing and puffing and struggling to drag my ass up a hill.

Today I went early on my walk. I decided to conquer the "Frog"as I call it or a 3 miler. It involves a long, climbing hill. I was proud of myself because I didn't stop walking. Big Accomplishment. It's hard not to stop, and I don't even think this is this is the mega hard stuff but for some reason as I am chugging up I slow down. Breaks don't help and they put off the inevitable. I just pushed through it and I am glad. I ate a banana today shortly before I left and I am wondering if that helped give me some extra energy along with it being earlier in the day. Maybe. I am just grateful it's done!

I am doing a 5K in December. I am really excited about it. I am walking it and will probably walk it slower than I normally do because I am going to keep pace with a very dear friend. She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis. I count my blessings because I have seen her struggle over the last two years but get better with treatment. She is so happy to be well enough to walk in this 5K. I can't imagine being as young as we are and starting to lose so much mobility in joints. She has told me about how terrible the pain is, even starting her car has been next to impossible at times. I got call one time with her in tears because she couldn't walk down the stairs because she was in so much pain and she didn't what to do. It really hits home how blessed I am. I am so proud of her and this 5K for me will be about sharing a nice long walk with someone who couldn't do that even a year ago for her RA was so bad. Now, she can.

Just some jumbles.

Different things to say. #1: I am now .8 pounds from the goal I set for myself for September. Meaning. Okay, maybe .9. LOL I have lost over 30 pounds now. I still don't really "see" it but some of my clothes are little loser. So that is good. I am just .9 pounds from being in the 230's. so that makes me very happy. EXTREMELY HAPPY! #2: My labs came back and everything was normal except I was vitamin D deficient. This could be huge for me. It could explain a lot of my aches and pains, and be a big contributor to the low energy and depression I have been suffering from. So I have been given a "loading" dose of Vitamin D for 8 weeks, then I will go back and have my blood drawn again. If it is good, then I will start a maintenance dose of the "D". #3: I have decided I need to eat a little more if I can because I am running out of juice later in the day and it is making my walking HARD. I am not hungry but I need to push myself to eat just a little more than I do and carbs are not a sin, it is just the type of carbs that can be bad.

When is this gonna get easier?

I was walking today and found myself really struggling. After 6 weeks you would think this would be getting easier but it isn't. It's hard and I have to push myself up and down the hills. I get really angry and upset. Seriously. When is this going to let up and get easier?

Things that help...

I have found that helps lately is having stuff around the house that I can eat. That is probably common sense but if I don't have food readily available rather than eating something bad...I just don't eat. I am not particularly hungry, don't crave sweets really so it's more a push to eat something rather than a push to avoid food. Lately I have been making crustless quiches which have been a great snack/lunch for me to grab a piece of and it's pure protein. I don't use a recipe, just throw things together and put it in an 8 inch pie plate. I have a ham and green chili one in the oven now. A piece of that with a salad for lunch is perfect.

Last night I went on a long walk. I have been avoiding that walk because I haven't done it in a while and it involves a big hill but I was glad I did it. Now I know I have to go do it again and again. :) When I came to the hill, I just looked at the crest and headed for it. I didn't look down, just straight up where the light was at the crest and it moved me forward. I know I have so many hills to climb to get through this mess, not just one but too many to count. Things get stuck in my brain and I have to shake them out constantly. When I am walking sometimes I think I should be doing this or that too but I know I am still just getting started. I will get where I am going but can't get ahead of myself.

And another thing...ha!ha!

A reminder to myself...when I don't feel like walking...go walking. I always feel so much better afterward. That is all.

Getting down in to the "Weeds"….

I usually don't talk numbers on here because I don't know who will read this other than myself. This is why I do this. I am journaling this for myself and I want to see my progress physically and mentally. I know that at some point I will go back and read this again and wonder where I was "at". So I figured I ought to be honest and make things real and put numbers to things. I hate the numbers. They make me want to vomit but they are a reality. It goes back to wanting to seriously beat me myself up for ever undoing all the good that I did but it's done. I have to do this over again and it sucks horse balls? How's that for a visual. Sorry but I am honest. Anyway…So on July 25, I weighed in at 271.something. This morning I weigh 246.4. So that puts me at a loss of approx. 25 pounds so far give or take. The weird thing is my clothes aren't falling off me, and I don't look in the mirror and go "Wow! I can really see this" but I feel better. My knees don't hurt as bad. My back pain is getting better. I think that I have had the beginnings of plantar whatever you call it and that seems to be lessoned. I have to wear shoes during the day or my feet hurt though. My plan or goal has been to be under 200 by my 50th birthday which is in like over 17 months from now. I think at the rate I am going, it is quite possible that I could be under 200 by my 49th if I lose 10 per month. If I don't then that is fine too. I want to keep my head about this. I NEED TO KEEP MY HEAD ABOUT THIS. I have done the speed thing before and though it was awesome to suddenly be thin, it didn't last and I really need to remember all my mistakes. I have even considered that perhaps I should go to see a counselor this time and work through this. Weight is a lot of things and it not just the result of eating. It is years of hiding from something, it is an big security blanket and losing it is letting it be torn away and being exposed. When I was thin, it was hard to give myself permission to really be okay with being proud of me, happy with how I looked and comfortable in that body I was so unfamiliar with. It just didn't feel right. It just wasn't "ME". However, now this isn't about being "thin". This is about being healthy and trying to fix some of the health issues that are starting to crop up because of not taking care of my body. I have a young family. I still have a son in elementary school. I have a Grandbaby that I babysit and it is a chore to chase her around and it takes lots of energy. I have a husband who is amazing and I want to be able to do fun things with him and not use lame excuses.
So, this is a journey to health, not a journey to skinny. This is a journey to a better life for me and my family. It is hard, and it is work, crazy hard work and sometimes I don't want to do it. I don't want to eat, I don't want to figure out dinner for everybody, I don't want to walk…I just want some magic but it doesn't happen that way. That is why I pray for strength constantly because there no other power than that which I can be given by my Heavenly Father that will get me there. I have strayed completely from the religion of my youth, but I don't flounder in my faith in God and my belief in Christ. I have unwavering faith in the power of prayer. When I walk, sometimes depending on what is going on…my walk can be nothing but a long prayer in progress. I know that is what is going to get me there. So that is where I am at today. I am going to shoot for 10 pound increments per month or 5 at least and that would make me happy. I say that but I think I would be disappointed if it wasn't 10. However I know 5 would be really the healthier thing for me. I just have to see what happens. A big obstacle for me right now is also drinking enough water because I have an incredibly weak bladder and if I drink too much water than I can't go for a walk in the evening. Last thing I want is to get caught ditching behind a tree to pee. I never would but that is what it feels like I need to do sometimes. Ha!Ha! No portopotties on my trails.

I don't see it yet.

I am posting a pic from today. I took it for a friend of mine at her insistence. I am not smiling and my hair isn't brushed but it's me. I personally don't see the difference yet. I feel a slight difference but I know things are changing. At least the scale is saying so.

Feeling so motivated!

I can't begin to describe how happy I feel. I just feel motivated and that is because what I am doing is working and I am seeing progress. It really makes me feel good about myself and my ability to acomplish the goal I set for myself. I went to the Dr. today, my MD. When I got on the scale there, fully clothed I was in a completely different range of weight than I have been in 2 years. I haven't weighed in my birthday suit but guessing when I do that puts me about 23/24 pounds in about 6 weeks. That is a lot more weight than I want to lose in that amount of time in the future but it has given me a giant boost. I'd love to be in the 5-7-10 lb. range per month from here on out. My walks are my time to just unwind and they help me not only physically but mentally. I really missed them when I was on my trip home to visit family. I will be babysitting my Grandbaby again soon as her Mother goes back to work. I am thankful that she will be getting off early enough in the day that I will still have "MY" time to walk. Where I walk it would be difficult to push a stroller, and part of getting there is along a busy road. I don't feel very safe taking my little grand person along. I also feel very selfish about that 40-60 minutes that is mine to get healthy, to clear my head, to pray, to ponder. I don't want to lose it. It is key to my success. I had a bunch of labs done today as well at the Dr. It will be good to find out where I am at, cholesterol, sugar, and my thyroid, and even Vitamin D. So if anything needs to be dealt with, we can work on that and things can only get better. I see nothing but progress. Yay!

From what I can tell so far....I am doing alright.

I had the goofiest time on my trip with my parent's scale. If I had gone by what it told me...some days I had lost 50 pounds in a month...(har!har!) and other days it was 40. That scale LOVED me. Ha!Ha! But no, I knew better and I don't know why it was trippin' when ever I got on it. I am happy though to say that when I got home my fears were not right and I did lose. So now according to "MY" scale, I am down 20 pounds. Of course I know that the Dr.'s may be a wee bit different come Friday but I know it is somewhere close. I'll take close. :) I went for a good walk today which felt awesome. It was in the 60's and it felt great to be out walking. I am so glad to be working on me again and out clearing the clutter in my mind. Now to work on the clutter in my house.

Relaxing

I am just sitting here on my parent's porch listening to the locusts and watching the squirrels play chase. My trip has been good for me, fairly stress free and relaxing. It was loads of work hauling all my daughter's belongings in to her dorm in the Texas heat but we got it done.

I have managed to make excellent food choices even in restaurants.  The only thing lacking this week is the walking. It's just too hot here. So Sunday when I am home, the pavement and I have a date. My only hope is that my good food choices have been enough to help me maintain all the good I have done so far.

Leaving for my "Momcation"

So tomorrow I leave for a week away from home. That means eating healthy will take more effort as I know hanging with my folks means more restaurants are involved.  Walking will also be a challenge but I am hoping I can find time. I am taking my shoes. I am holding firm at -16 since the 25 th of July. I don't feel it as in my clothes don't feel loser but I physically feel better.  I struggle to eat through out the day because I am just not very hungry.  That takes effort and I know if I don't eat regularly I won't lose. Grrrrrr. I was feeling some crazy anxiety the other night and went for a walk and it is amazing how much it helps clear my head.  Walking and prayers.

I need to hide the scale and wait a week

This is really bad because I probably should have never put the darn battery in the scale. First thing I did this morning…stripped and got on it. I really did it because when I weighed yesterday it was the middle of the afternoon and I was dressed. Cough, Cough…so that is an excuse…I did it because I wanted to see if it was more and it was. BUT…see this is the neurotic mess I don't want to get tangled up in. NOPE…NOPE… Last night I went on a 3 mile walk. I really had to walk myself up the hard hills. OUT LOUD! This is so much different than walking on the flat little side walks in Texas. I have to push myself up these intense hills here and it is tough. I also feel intimidated by people driving by. My inner self thinks of all the mean things they are saying or the "poor pitiful fat lady" things. I even saw a fire truck go by and wondered if they were going to stop and render assistance. Ha!Ha! I just have to get it out of my head. I am getting stronger. Those thoughts don't give me strength. For dinner I made breakfast. They had bacon and egg tacos. I, on the other had cooked up some zucchini and mushrooms and sweet peppers. I cooked 2 egg whites and then ate that in a VERY high fiber, low carb tortilla. It was yummy. I love those sweet peppers. I had some for a snack during the day with some hummus. Still trying to eat 6 meals a day but it is hard. Trying to drink the water I need to but that is hard also. I know if I lose enough weight, bladder problems will lessen but I think it may be an issue I will have to visit with the Dr. someday. (I had surgery in 1996 and I know it is probably shot after another baby since, and the weight gain) Today, I believe I will drive over to the Grand Forest and do a 3 miler there just to change it up a bit.

Motivation...Why yes please.

Today I finally went and bought a battery for my scale. Granted I can't be sure how it compares to my Dr.'s. But...I got on it and give or take whatever I am over 14 pounds down since I saw him a couple of weeks ago. My goal was to be down 10 by my next appt. I am still 3 weeks from seeing him. So I will say I made that goal. That is pure motivation for me. It just means something is happening even if I can't see it. I know the first part is a lot of water weight but I can start working on the real meat and potatoes. Yay.

Recently a friend Facebooked me and told me she was reading my blog again. How cool is that. Hi Friend! :) I took my little guy to the zoo yesterday and counted that as my walk. I think I could have probably clocked off another couple of miles last night but I was beat. It was hot here. I am really trying to get in to this good habit of walking daily before the rainy/cold season comes. Fortunately, my gift for Christmas this past year was some amazing Brooks tennis shoes with the waterproof liner in them. I am just now breaking them in. I switch shoes around a lot. My feet hopefully slim down a little because they are so wide and I need a little room. I am not miserable but a little room would be sweet. I was talking to my sweetheart the other night that I have a little goal or it's a big goal but it will probably happen next summer. When I get there my "REWARD" is I want to go on a date with him kayaking. I want to go and enjoy it and be healthy and fit enough to not go three rows and be done. I also don't want to be so squished in a kayak that if it rolls I can't pop my fat ass out of it. So that is one of my goals...outdoor date with my sweetheart, kayaking. It's gonna be awesome. Yesterday when I was out, I was faced with "food choices" so at breakfast I simply asked for a scrambled egg white and one piece of wheat toast with no butter. That worked great. I did have a cone at the zoo but not giving myself heck for that. It was hot and I figure it is that non dairy nonsence I am sure it was walked off. On the way home we stopped at Red Robin and I got a Cobb Salad with grilled chicken and a vinagrette on the side. I really just picked through it. I touched my fork in the dressing a couple of times but was pretty careful about what and how I ate. At the end of the day...I felt pretty guiltless but happy I spent time with my son and a good friend and her daughter. Fun times. One thing I have to work on is increasing the water but "tiny bladder" causes issues so that is a balancing act especially when it gets closer to the evening. I have yet to pee behind a tree but don't think I have considered it. I am just frustrated because I keep waiting to feel different. Thinner, clothes looser, something. Is my face thinner, are my arms thinner? Anything? I know I need to stop this because I am making really good choices and decisions but it's hard because those are motivators. I just have to keep reminding myself that part of why I am walking more is largely mental...it's a clearing house time for me. Sacred space all my own to leave my thoughts on the road, and pray and purge and de-stress. No matter what I feel better. I am doing more, moving more and my energy level has improved tremendously. I know things will change physically and I just need to be patient. Walking up those hills that are so hard I sometimes tell myself outloud...."Don't quit right now when it's hard. When it's hard is when it's doing the most good". I know that is true. All the things in my life that I learned the most from happened during the hardest times of my life. I just kick myself still for giving up on me when I was doing so well and had accomplished so much and now and I have to do all this crap all over again and it feels so much harder. Ugg.... My biggest prayer is that I learn from my mistakes this time and go slow, and understand what is going on with me. I don't want to stand in front of a mirror and not recognise that person, freak out and stop everything. I don't want to be frustrated by peoples attention at changes I make. I just want to get used to being me, whomever ME, is.

Well, it was 2.5 today but so glad I went. I got tripped up by my path having a huge private party of dragster cars on it with a slew of people standing around. So I walked a different route and had my husband come grab me so I wouldn't have to walk back by them. Silly but whatchagonnado? :)

Today is one of those days I am dragging. I will push myself the door for a much needed walk. I know I will feel better afterward though I probably won't set any speed records. I was beating myself up the other night because of my distance and pace but then realized I have made such a turn around. Just the fact that I am out and making an effort is huge so no beating myself up anymore. Tonight I made vegetarian stuffed zucchini. It was really good. I also baked off some chicken breasts so I will have some lean protein for the week. I am trying to plan more ahead so that eating for me during the day is easier. (I am a meal skipper) I am also trying to make it easier to keep up with family meals. They are either benefiting or suffering through this. LOL

Continuing to Challenge Myself

The walking continues. Sunday I walked in the forest and did 3 miles and it felt great. Hard, but great. It's very up and down in there. Yesterday I did 3.67 miles. My body is starting to feel like it can be pushed harder but I also want to be careful not to go too hard too fast. My knees hurt, and my feet hurt and my back hurts and well I just sound like an old lady whining. Whaaaaa. I take a dose of Advil a bit before I go. I feel like there is so much I need to let go over, get over and forgive myself for and forgive. That is a big part of what I have been carrying with me for years. Layers and layers of pain that go way back. Trying to pick it off one layer at a time is hard but also not trying to dredge up stuff if it is not surfaced either. What's the point of that. I told my dear sweetheart last night that this walk is such a selfish thing for me right now. It is my time and I am protective of it. It is more a mental hour for me than physical (though I know the health benefits are huge). I get to unwind, process, and pray and just push myself and give me something to feel good about. That makes me happy and clears my head. Sept. 4, I go to my Dr. and it will be a month since I have seen him so it will be interesting to find out if I have lost anything. Hopefully I have. I have gained confidence. :) Onward Ho!

Walking Again….a Liberation

Walking again for me has felt liberating. I must admit there has been at least one day I had to talk myself in to it. That was probably the day I needed to go the most. It had been a crazy, stress-filled day and my brain was boiling over. I went on a nice 40 minute walk and meditated and prayed and felt great relief by the time I returned home. I am trying to formulate a plan of sorts as to how exactly I want to achieve my goal…but I guess more than anything it includes two things, steps (as in with my feet) and prayer. The eating better, and all the other things I need to be doing will be sorted out but movement in a forward direction with my feet and then constant communication with my Heavenly Father is critical. I need strength to worth through all the stuff I am packing around in my life. A person is not overweight because they love being overweight. That really just isn't true. Secondly at this time I have all these daily battles I am working through mentally and emotionally that throw up brick walls. They are not made with any mortar, just bricks and it is only I who can pick them up on at a time and unbuild the walls and make sure they stay down. "Steps" is literal and figurative because this work I need to do will come in steps. BUT…for now it is liberating to keep my shoes on throughout the day once I put them on with the understanding that a walk will come. I look forward to it, I work towards it, I wrap my day up and end it with that. It's my time to commune with with my thoughts and prayers.

I am using my phone of all things to make a blog entry. Today I walked. I actually walked twice. I have decided I can't stay this way and only I have the power to change me. So I have a goal to reach by my 50th birthday which is in a year and 6 months from now. It's reasonable. I told my husband I need to walk for mental and physical health. Sometimes I need to escape the house.I am heavy, tired, my feet hurt, my back hurts and I am overwhelmed with my life. I need to do something for me. Here it is. So it started before with those first steps and I am praying these will be the first steps to better health. Yes I did say praying because I did that along the way too. I need help from above.

It's been a while....

This year has just been weird. This has been our second year here in the PACNW and I don't know if it's location, this funky cabin/house we live in or what. My enthusiasm for "HERE" is fleeting and I just am tired. I am also tired of being in the place where I am at physically because I am miserable. It is not just "asthetics", it is physically miserable on top of the shitty self esteem. After thinking, and mulling it over for a while now I decided that I am going to do something this year. Yep, a resolution. A simple one. MOVE MORE/EAT LESS. One of the reasons why I am as miserable as I am is because I don't get out an walk as I love to do. So I am committing myself to go 3 x's a week to do that for however long I want. I don't care if it is 10 minutes or turns in to 2 hours. The point for me is that I spent it moving. My eating I am trying to change some toward the more high fiber, lower fat, more veg, fruit, lean meat and such as I used to eat. I just don't want to go nuts. If I go nuts then I will fail...so for not it is MOVE MORE/EAT LESS and I will see how it goes.