Thursday, October 9, 2014

Just Thinking.....

I blog a lot. This is my way of clearing the cob webs out of my head. I usually don't have a lot of time at home when it just me. It's crazy but true. My life has changed so much and while I love being a Grandma, in some ways it is so difficult. I guess it has put me in place where I just didn't expect to be at this point in my life which feels like the Mom of an infant again. So there is a lot of pressure, and I feel a bit as though I have lost myself. It is a weird place and I don't really don't know how to explain it. I absolutely adore my grandbaby and would move mountains for her but I struggle sometimes in this weird place I am at. I was looking at the picture of me I took yesterday with the gray hair and I thought to myself that maybe I don't want to have gray hair yet. I thought I did but maybe not yet. It took me a long time to let it all come in but I don't feel like I look that old, and when I look at that picture, I see tired. Ugg.... There is just pain in my heart because of lot of things, and when I hurt emotionally I have eaten. When I have been sad or overwhelmed, I have sat and pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep the world away. This after so many years has caused me to come to this place that is so hard to move away from. So I now am taking my baby steps, and I write about any and everything that crosses my head. I need to because I go back and read this and it helps figure this stuff out. Whys and hows and what fors....there are reasons for all of this. If I am going to make it to wherever it is I am trying to get to, I have to give up old ways and change. I tell my other daughter..."one breath at a time". I need to remember that advice.

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