Saturday, November 8, 2014

Breaking through the guilt.

The other day I went and had a fun lunch with one of my dearest friends. My food choice? A beautiful "Washington Apple Salad" with blackened Sockeye Salmon on it. It also had candied walnuts and gorgonzola cheese crumbles and a raspberry vinergrette. I ate every bit of it because it was not only pretty to look at but honestly it tasted amazing. The thing that really sucks is I spent the rest of the day, and part of the next and part of the next feeling guilty over that darn salad. Yes, a salad! This is a plague that I have lived with...and I have GOT to get OVER it. I need to be able to go and enjoy something and leave that event, feeling pleasure not guilt. I didn't eat a donut, or a chocolate molten lava cake or a giant steak and potato dinner, I ate a great salad. My mind wanders to the sweet dressing though and how many calories might had been in it, or was that just too many walnuts, or were they too candied or how about that cheese, huh? This kind of thinking is so dangerous and will be my undoing and it is the guilt that I have to break through. I am working on it. I really am and I feel like being aware of that fact that I do it is a huge plus. I was talking to a friend and I told her it is like holding a grudge against myself and I don't like grudges. This is a food grudge and it last for days. It makes me miserable and I try to figure out ways to torture myself to balance whatever it is I ate that I think was so bad. In the winter after the holidays my husband and I are going to go on a trip to stay in a cabin and play in the snow. We will take food to make for ourselves and the LAST thing I want to do is make him feel terrible by seperating what I eat from what he eats. I want to enjoy myself. So I have to find a healthy balance and YES, in life there is a healthy balance. If we don't find that...then it's quits and I will find myself back where I started. I have no intention of doing that. I am committed to myself and learning to work through these changes and subtle nuances that keep popping up in my head and heart. I also challenged myself also to stay off the scale until next good. The other challenge...water...just eh! On another note...I kicked ass and walked 6 miles yesterday. It kills my big toes though. It's terrible but I push through.

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