Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Getting down in to the "Weeds"….

I usually don't talk numbers on here because I don't know who will read this other than myself. This is why I do this. I am journaling this for myself and I want to see my progress physically and mentally. I know that at some point I will go back and read this again and wonder where I was "at". So I figured I ought to be honest and make things real and put numbers to things. I hate the numbers. They make me want to vomit but they are a reality. It goes back to wanting to seriously beat me myself up for ever undoing all the good that I did but it's done. I have to do this over again and it sucks horse balls? How's that for a visual. Sorry but I am honest. Anyway…So on July 25, I weighed in at 271.something. This morning I weigh 246.4. So that puts me at a loss of approx. 25 pounds so far give or take. The weird thing is my clothes aren't falling off me, and I don't look in the mirror and go "Wow! I can really see this" but I feel better. My knees don't hurt as bad. My back pain is getting better. I think that I have had the beginnings of plantar whatever you call it and that seems to be lessoned. I have to wear shoes during the day or my feet hurt though. My plan or goal has been to be under 200 by my 50th birthday which is in like over 17 months from now. I think at the rate I am going, it is quite possible that I could be under 200 by my 49th if I lose 10 per month. If I don't then that is fine too. I want to keep my head about this. I NEED TO KEEP MY HEAD ABOUT THIS. I have done the speed thing before and though it was awesome to suddenly be thin, it didn't last and I really need to remember all my mistakes. I have even considered that perhaps I should go to see a counselor this time and work through this. Weight is a lot of things and it not just the result of eating. It is years of hiding from something, it is an big security blanket and losing it is letting it be torn away and being exposed. When I was thin, it was hard to give myself permission to really be okay with being proud of me, happy with how I looked and comfortable in that body I was so unfamiliar with. It just didn't feel right. It just wasn't "ME". However, now this isn't about being "thin". This is about being healthy and trying to fix some of the health issues that are starting to crop up because of not taking care of my body. I have a young family. I still have a son in elementary school. I have a Grandbaby that I babysit and it is a chore to chase her around and it takes lots of energy. I have a husband who is amazing and I want to be able to do fun things with him and not use lame excuses.
So, this is a journey to health, not a journey to skinny. This is a journey to a better life for me and my family. It is hard, and it is work, crazy hard work and sometimes I don't want to do it. I don't want to eat, I don't want to figure out dinner for everybody, I don't want to walk…I just want some magic but it doesn't happen that way. That is why I pray for strength constantly because there no other power than that which I can be given by my Heavenly Father that will get me there. I have strayed completely from the religion of my youth, but I don't flounder in my faith in God and my belief in Christ. I have unwavering faith in the power of prayer. When I walk, sometimes depending on what is going on…my walk can be nothing but a long prayer in progress. I know that is what is going to get me there. So that is where I am at today. I am going to shoot for 10 pound increments per month or 5 at least and that would make me happy. I say that but I think I would be disappointed if it wasn't 10. However I know 5 would be really the healthier thing for me. I just have to see what happens. A big obstacle for me right now is also drinking enough water because I have an incredibly weak bladder and if I drink too much water than I can't go for a walk in the evening. Last thing I want is to get caught ditching behind a tree to pee. I never would but that is what it feels like I need to do sometimes. Ha!Ha! No portopotties on my trails.

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