Day 59....just one day left and thank goodness....

I know I said I was going to blog everyday but that just didn't happen. This round has been hard. I have been bored and I am ready for it to be over with. I am not looking forward to reintroduction because it feels like it means just more waiting for this to be over. So many things have been better since I started the Whole30 program and that is great. I don't crave and my sugar dragons are gone. I can get by on three meals a day which is awesome. I have decided though that I am ready to incorporate a non-processed approach to food that includes some items that are not allowed on Whole30. Sugar, however won't be one of them. Sugar for me will be a big no. It doesn't mean a never...it just means for the most part I am off sugar. I haven't decided on the dairy. I drink a lot of coffee and putting coconut milk in it still bothers me because of the high fat even though it is a healthy fat. I need to really do my research as to which is the lesser of two evils...a high fat, high calorie, healthy fat or a lower calorie, non-fat choice which nutritionally is iffy. I don't eat that much cheese so I don't really need to add dairy for cheese. Lots of things for me to think about but I am on my way. Grains and legumes for sure in moderation and mostly a plant based, protein and healthy vegetable carb. based diet. So...tomorrow...day 60 and boom...onward ho!

R2D15 or 45 Days down...

And it is getting rough....and I am really going to have to get creative when I hit day 60 because I am finding I am so bored. I am just eating to meet my nutritional needs and nothing is exciting or tastes good. I definitely think I am going to move in another direction when I have met my goal and completed this round. I am going to really explore the paleo diet and see if that will open up some more opportunities to try some different techniques and recipes using ingredients prohibited now. (not sugar) Any....just checkin' in.

R2D10 -40 days now and going strong.

I meant to blog more this round but I have been busy since I have lots of free time without the grand baby to keep me running. I have been taking advantage of the opportunity to get lots of walks in and catch up on housework and working on some quilting that I am attempting. I don't know if during a second round if one is susceptible to the carb flu but the last couple of days I have been a little sluggish and throwing together quick meals for myself. They have been compliant but not the nice, full and fancy meals I have done in the past because I think I have been tired and bored. Last night I decided I really needed to overcome that and get in the kitchen and do some food prep so I could make some better meals for myself. I roasted sweet potatoes and some rainbow carrots. I pressure cooked a spaghetti squash and then pressure cooked a bag of kale with some prosciutto. I crisped up some prosciutto and I cooked a pan of mushrooms and mixed peppers in ghee. I also made some mayo. It was so satisfying putting away these neat containers in the fridge knowing that I can grab what I need and mix with a protein for an excellent meal or get creative and make a yummy soup. I love the glass snap containers I bought from Costco. Someone suggested them on a group I am on and I am so happy I bought them. I bought two boxes and just have one set I am using and have one set unopened in the basement. When we move I will probably open the other set and part with a bunch of the plastic containers we use. On another thought we have been working with my son who is 9 who has been struggling for a while with melt downs and his "overwhelms" I call it. His diet has been so carb dense and sugar rich and I told my husband that we really needed to put the brakes on it and push him to have more outside time. My son fortunately is so smart and I approached him for the science behind fueling our bodies and how it can affect our emotions. He has been so open to eating more fruits and vegetables and has been a milk monster. I know it is not a perfect plan but the sugar from soda and other junk he was eating in the just the few days we have been doing this has dropped to almost nothing and he is requesting fruit, and carrots and broccoli for snacks and we are using the hot air popper for real popcorn rather than the microwave type. He is really digging that. We have also been going outside and spending time together either going on a quick walk, raking leaves, swinging...whatever...just being together outside rather than on an electronic device for a while. His demeanor has changed considerably. It's  nice. There is a long road to go as we need to work on meals and protein and what we are going to do to make his lunches  more suitable but baby steps in a positive direction. I will take what I can get. The other thing that is just on my mind this morning is something someone said today on one of my FB groups for Whole30. She mentioned that her biggest victory was breaking the urge to weigh herself and that she hadn't gotten on a scale since February of last year. That really made me think about the fact that I truly do judge myself by a number and I always have. I let what that number say on that scale determine how I feel about myself and if I am being successful or not. I have stopped to think that maybe I should consider the barometer of what I feel about myself should be just that....HOW DO I FEEL? Not what number is on the scale? How much weight have I lost? What size am I? Can I focus more on disconnecting from numbers? Would it be possible for me to attempt to really take a time out from the number on the scale, and focus on my real feelings and tune in to that? I have NEVER done that before....what would it be like to not judge myself by that number and let it determine my worth....this is a journey....years and years in the making. It took years to get me here...and will take such to undo the negative and rewire my brain. I know I can do it. I have one thing going for me and that is heart and determination and will power. The jist of all this jabber is I am going to make a commitment to me to try to give up weighing myself for a while beyond this Whole30 program. This round ends on the 13th of November and I was all set to find out how I did on the 14th but my first step will be leaping over that date and moving forward without checking my weight. I want to just go by how I feel and move ahead. I haven't decided if I will do a round 3 but I tend to think I may do that though unsure. I know at some point I will try to add in some things so that I can have some flexibility when I travel to Texas in February for my Dad's birthday and my birthday. I don't plan on splurging with my eating but I don't want to be so limited that I might have to eat something out and then end up sick. That is one of my fears. If my body has some acclimation to a few things perhaps that trip will go smoother. Sugar will NOT be something I add back. I have decided to live a sugar free life. Moving along...it's a Saturday and plenty to do today including a nice long walk.

R2D5

I didn't start out having a plan...I just shot right in to another round and I wasn't counting the days but then I found myself craving and feeling weird. It was as if because I hadn't established myself in a round technically I wasn't sure where I was. I remedied that and secured my perimeters. Having some idea of where I am and where I am headed gives me boundaries and I need those. It gives me goals and something to reach for. My goal right now is to make it another 30 days. Yesterday I printed off a blank table and in my weird manic brain way filled it out to reflect this 30 days with the dates. I put it on the refrigerator so that I can cross off each day and give myself a visual of where I am at so I don't get lost. The last round I was on FB every day taking pictures of my meals and recording that so I knew exactly where I was but I am not doing that this round. I am eating compliant and staying Whole30 and plugging away with life. That is how I am going to have to do this. I know in my heart eventually I will have to find some sort of way to blend this lifestyle with another so I can make sure I am able to get by in certain circumstances without getting sick or packing on weight. That is a ways off and I can do that slowly and thoughtfully. I think moving is on is my mind and that cross country trip and staying with family for days at a time, etc. I have visions of carrying with me a cooler cross country with "my food" to help me eat better. Who knows...might work out anyway because the dog  can't go in restuarants and I am not leaving her in the hot car so she and I can stay and eat together. :) I need to be careful...I can already feel myself overwhelming with issues that are really so far ahead of me that I need not be worrying with them right now. I need to plant my feet firmly on today and just take it one step at a time. It stinks to be such a planner. It also stinks to be so emotional right now over the huge loss that I already feel in my heart because once I move I will be so far away from my grandbaby. I know this is life and I also know that it is really what it is best for certain reasons but she is the moon and the stars to me and I have been in her life since the moment she took her first breath. She lives with me, she is here with me all the time from the wee hours of the early morning to sunset. Yes, I get overwhelmed and run ragged but my love is never is less. I don't look forward to that day I have to say "Mamaw will see you later PiPi". I got to stop...too much....
Lots to do today. I am not walking today I am taking a break for this Monday. I have walked so much over the last week. I got a new pair of shoes that cost too much on Sunday after I discovered that my other expensive shoes had caused me to lose yet another toenail. Those shoes had some issue, causing blisters, toenail loss, etc. I went and got fitted and chose a different brand all together so I hope I have better luck. On to house cleaning and dropping stuff off and picking things up! (scored a pair of free overalls from a free site I belong to on FB! Yay!) This energy is good stuff to have! I am loving it!

Today is Day #32...but actually I am not really counting...sorta....

I didn't post yesterday. I guess I should have but in a small way I wanted it to feel like a regular day. Regular day for me in my new way of living a healthier life you might say. They only thing that was different was because it was my Day #31 I got on the scale to see the results of living the Whole30 program and I was pleased at the loss of 9 pounds. I actually think I am suprised but I'll take it. I didn't expect more...perhaps less. My grandbaby went with other Grandparents for a couple weeks on Wednesday and so that allowed me yesterday to take a really nice long 5 mile walk and then get a ton of stuff done around the house. This morning I dropped the car off at the shop, and walk home but took a huge detour and got another 7 mile walk in. I need to plan my weekend so I can prep food for the week, shop and take advantage of the opportunity to be free to get some things done around the house that I normally can't. I even started on the pillow shams to match the quilt my Mom made for me for my birthday which isn't until February but she gave it to me early. I feel really good. This morning I had a great breakfast of fried eggs, on zuccini and sweet potato fritters and a banana with coconut cream in my coffee. It got me 7 miles. :) While I was walking I was thinking about a small shift I know that I will probably need to make in the Spring when we get closer to our big cross country move. It is nice to take that time while walking to think about clever ways I can eat healthy and clean while traveling and staying hotels, and with family for a short time. I may need to add some things in a reintro just so I have a few options AND so I don't get sick if I don't have any choices and try something while traveling. We'll see. Just starting to think ahead. My brain is already in move mode.

Day #30....I made it!

I am tired and I am ready for bed but I couldn't let this day slip away with saying......I DID IT!!!!!!!! Okay, now that I have shouted that from the rooftops I can calm down. I am stoked, happy and so proud! This was a real test of my will power. It was NOT easy by any stretch but I feel so amazing and I am ready for day 31. Yes...tomorrow will be like today with one exception....a step on the scale. I am giving myself that. For now I am not ready for a reintroduction phase so I am not planning that yet. Okay...off to bed for me.

4 meals to go...literally....that close...

I am not even counting days now...well, it is tomorrow. Day 30 that is. I am counting MEALS! 4 more to go and I have reached that goal I set out for myself and I am so stoked. How do I feel? Totally amazing? Why no pictures of my food? Because that was a pain in the ass to do. They are on my FB wall that is enough. Having to upload them from my phone and then editing them on my laptop was a pain so I gave up on that. I have just one tiny problem and I wouldn't say it is a problem per se but it is just that I haven't decided what DAY 31 has in store for me...with one exception. NO PICTURES OF MY PLATES OF FOOD! I think I and perhaps I should change the "I think" to "I will" write down in a notebook what I eat for accountability purposes but other than that I am not doing anymore photo diary of my meals. I may take a shot here or there if something looks amazing but that is it. What is the sum total of my thoughts on this whole30 program...well, it has shown me that I don't need to cling to food. Food is food. Food is for nutrition and to sustain us but not to fuel our emotions, feed our feelings, punish ourselves, build up walls and make ourselves dependent. I can live without things I didn't realize I could really go without and be happy....OMG....sugar...even fake sugar....I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU....and I am okay. My coffee is A-okay with out you. Bread...crackers...chips....crappy processed food made by machines and filled with junk....I can survive without YOU too....and live without stuffing your wrappers under the seat of my car or hiding you at the bottom of the trash so no one will ever know I snuck and ate you while I had a few minutes alone to myself. Fast food...YOUR NOT FOOD! I can't believe at one point in my life I was 14 pounds away from 300. That is frightening to type. Sad to say that I was strong enough to lose so much weight and find freedom and then gain it all back because I was still so addicted to FOOD. So here I am now....I have been working hard for well over a year and on the day I started my Whole 30 from my heighest weight I was down 87 pounds. I don't know what they scale will show on Thursday on Day 31. I don't feel fiercly thinner since I started this. Do I hope I have lost some...heck yeah. I do...I hope I am trending down and have lost some of that I gained back. BUT.....the bigger thing is that I HAVE DONE IT! I have gone 30 days and followed the plan. I have eaten whole, healthy, amazing meals and for this moment...Day 31 will probably be much like Day 30 and Day 29 and so forth. I am not ready to reintroduce anything yet. I am not there. My brain is not ready to let go and if I need longer then I need longer. I am proud of me...I feel better, I look better, I have more energy and I can go and do things that I couldn't do at 286 pounds that's for sure. I hated the shame I felt...I don't want that anymore....ever, ever, ever again. I control this. I CONTROL THIS! SELFISH LADY!

Day #22...sorry I missed a few but I am still with it...

I thought I would be on here every day but this takes a lot of work and once my sweet grand baby came back things for me came to a screeching halt with regards to having time to sit and blog. I have a moment this morning while she is still sleeping so I am taking advantage. I can't believe I am on day #22. I feel better today but day #19,#20 and #21 I was really feeling tired and not in the mood to eat as in not much of an appetite. Hopefully today will be a big turnaround. I have been powering through it, getting things done around the house, trying to clean and get rid of stuff all the while the princess makes messes in her path. ha!ha! I told my husband it would be so nice to have a house keeper (which would be a dream) but what a waste it would be because just hours later wouldn't be able to tell they had been there. Just venting. No Big Deal. Ho hum! Anyhooo....Took a 5+ mile walk last night in the dark just to unwind and get some exercise. I needed it but it made sleep difficult last night. Weird dreams and waking up a lot was the trade off. I was reading something today which made me think...more so for some reason as I was putting the oreos in my son's lunch. We truly are responsible for so much of what happens with our bodies and we have control. I have learned I won't curl up and blow away without sugar or dairy or gasp...wheat, and grains and beans, rice...etc. That stuff isn't the devil but I don't have to have it. I have 9 days left including today so planning my strategy for what comes next and I am not sure that I am ready to add those items back in. Then there is another part of me that wonders if really researching a paleo diet would be could so I could replace more processed items in my cupboard for my family (like oreos) would be a good idea. Then they can "have their cake and eat it too". I think that is a ways off and for now I will focus on me and work on my relationship with food and ease in to that because making paleo muffins and bread could trigger old habits that I am not ready to fight but I do at some point want to mesh more of what I am eating with what my family eats so there is not such a great disconnect.

An early post but today is Day #17...

I am about to head my son out the door to school so this post will soon be interrupted. I can't believe I didn't post on Day #15 or #16 but quite honestly life happens. I have been busy as my grand baby has been staying with her other grandparents so taking advantage of the time I have to get things done and catch up around my house. I have also been pretty active on a FB forum for first time Whole30 Newcomers. It is hard to believe that I am on the downward slope of this first 30 days but honestly I don't see myself doing a re intro right away on day 31. I think I may keep going for a while. The reason... I feel really good and I don't crave sugar and I don't crave salty snacks or snacks period AND I keep looking inward and thinking about the WHYS in regards to food. I was walking the other day and I was asking myself what I can do in replacement of eating when I am stressed. There needs to be something we do to replace a binge when we feel stressed instead of bad behavior like downing a bag of chips, buttered crackers or cookies or whatever the sweet spot is...when need to have something that we do that replaces that behavior. This HUGE time out from those sweets, carbohydrates and snacks (even licking fingers when preparing a lunch for a kiddo) has really given me a huge boost and time to reflect. I actually feel less stressed which makes me wonder...does sugar contribute to stress? When I think I NEED chocolate is it actually the opposite? So that is why I am seriously considering taking a break and doing this longer...it feels really good. It is not as hard as I thought it would be to go without some things like dairy or grains or beans. I figure my way around it. I accommodate my families meals. I get creative with my meals and I eat this amazing assortment of vegetables and they are beautiful. I love not counting calories but just knowing that if I eat these 3 meals a day with good protein, beautiful vegetables, healthy fat and some fruit I am good. It is pure, it is clean and I am the power behind it. I don't like the dishes but I appreciate cooking in large batches and having plenty of leftovers to make future meals for myself. It honestly is not that hard. I feel physically like I am seeing some changes. I have been good and stayed off the scale as I should. My face is looking thinner and I feel like my shoulders are thinner. My waist also feels like it is slimming down. Do my jeans feel looser...no, not really but that will come. 17 days is not really that long to expect miracles but I am giving it time. Having the opportunity to get some good, long walks in has been awesome. I will do another 5 today. I have walked 3 out of the 4 days she has been away and she comes home tomorrow. She will be here for 10 days before they keep her again. She and I will have to do our walks with the stroller. It is hard to do 5 milers with her because she doesn't like sitting for that long in the stroller. Some of my walks may be evening walks after her Mommy is home from work. Those walks are nice but a little scary. I deck out in my reflective vest, headlamp and flash light but some cars aren't very gracious and graze me which is frustrating but I carry on. I made my reservations for February to go to Texas for my Daddy's 80th birthday and during that week I will turn 50 as well. My goal back in July of 2014 was to be below 200 by the time I turned 50 but I did that quite a long time ago. I gained some of the weight I lost back but I am still below 200 so I have been trying to think of a goal for myself for my 50th. Part of me doesn't want this to be about weight but the other part of me is so motivated by goals...they really help me out a lot. I think if I were to set a goal for 50, I would say that I would love to be 180 by my 50th birthday but learn to stay there from now on. I just want to be a size 12. I am a size 12 now but I want to be a loose fitting, pick up any size 12 in the world and it fits kinda gal. Size 12 is the perfect size for me and I am so happy and comfortable there...truly. So setting a goal for my 50th birthday which is February 16, 2016, I would like to weigh 180 and just keep it there. It doesn't have to be less.... right there will be perfect. One other goal....will be to keep walking...no matter what. Last year I walked in the snow, the freezing rain, when the ground was frozen...I walked. I need to walk. I can't let anything or any little one keep me from taking care of me because by taking care of me I will be so much better at taking care of her and everyone else. Walking....no excuse....there is always...time. It may be awkward and dark and colder but I have have the equipment and I have a wonderful support system....so I need to walk at least 4 times a week. It saves me....it really does. I get so depressed and walking is my councilor. I am disappointed because I have half marathon that I am registered for on Oct. 11 but I am not going to do it because I know I am not ready for it. I have done a half marathon before and I know what it takes. I have all the heart and I could probably complete it but it would wreck my feet. Recently I lost a toenail after doing 10 miles and then even more recently I got a huge blister after doing about 4 miles. I need to train more and be more prepared for a half and there will be another in my future. This is just isn't the time. It's a shame. There is a Jingle Bell Run which is a 5K in December I will do with my son, and I will find other 5K's but a half will probably wait for spring when I am more physically fit and my feet are in better shape. Long post for Day #17. #15 and #16 were great days and I ate well. I am going to go make a yummy breakfast, go for a good walk and then go to Trader Joe's and get some vegetables and other goodies. There is a Buffalo Chicken and Sweet Potato Casserole I would like to try. My family may totally gag but I have to try some of these things on them. Who knows they may really like it. Wouldn't it be funny if I could change them over to a paleo diet? My husband would have to give up his sweet tea, coke and my son his Dr. Pepper. I believe my daughter's probably would be on board. My 9 year old would be a wrestle. A Mom can try...right? Well.....onward with the day I go. If you have made it this far...bless you. I hope you have an amazing day. Including today....13 days to go and then I can check my progress. From there we'll see where I go.

Day #14

No pictures of food today. I decided that my facebook journal will have to suffice for the time being. I ate well though. I had a great hash for Meal one with chicken sausage, left over potatoes and spinach. Meal #2 was peppered turkey wrapped around avocado, tomatoes and monkey salad. Meal #3 was a lean ground beef patty, salad with balsamic vinegrett, zoodles, and a sweet potato. I had a good 5+ mile walk today and got plenty done around the house. Tomorrow is day #15 and the halfway mark for me. I am excited to be halfway through this but I know that I will probably keep on with this in some modified fashion at least paleo. I feel good, really good.

Day #13...So close to the half way point

I tried to add the pictures of my meals from my phone and perhaps I will be able to go back and edit but it was being persnickity and wouldn't let me. Yesterday I added pictures only and had nothing really to say. Weird day I guess. I don't want to say I am getting bored with this but I am getting tired of greens that is for sure. That is my own fault because I have been eating them out of convenience more than anything Tomorrow I will try to do better. I have some grilled asparagus in the freezer and I also have some zucchini that I can have. I need to change it up a bit. I also bought some spinach tonight but that is pretty close to the greens I have been eating so much of these last couple of days. I still feel great. Do I feel a difference in my body? I do and I don't. It is hard to explain. It is not a huge difference. I think my face is looking thinner and my shoulders feel thinner. My clothes don't feel any loser. I will take what small changes I can get and the lessons I am learning. Tonight I went on a evening walk and it felt amazing. 3.5 miles...not too long but enough to get my heart pumping. I accomplished a lot around the house, ate 3 good meals and now I am ready for a good nights sleep. 17 more days.

Day #12

Day #11

I survived day #11. I got creative in the kitchen too. This morning for Meal #1 I made a frittata of sorts. It had sweet potato, spinach, prosciutto, eggs and coconut milk. I had Monkey salad on the side. Meal #2 was really yummy. I stir fried vegetables and made a sauce using cashew butter, siracha and coconut aminoes. Meal #3 was pork chops, sautéed greens with prosciutto, and roasted butternut squash. I went to Trader Joe's today and found some Whole30 compliant sausages, prosciutto and a couple of other things. I love the great deal on vegetables I always get there. I even bought a pie pumpkin to roast for a vegetable sometime. How many more days? Oh yeah...19. I miss my equal in my coffee. I think I can handle the coconut milk but the sweetness is something I miss in my roasty toasty cup of coffee. Who knows by the time the month is over I may be so used to it I won't go back to the equal. We'll see. Onward I go.

 

Day 10- 1/3 of the way there.

 

Day 10 and for some reason at this very moment I feel like I could go eat a bowl of ice-cream or stuff something bad in my face. I deliberately brushed my teeth early because in some silly way that tells me my eating is done for the day. I think I am just stressed and I recognize that I go to food when I feel emotional. I should have thrown on my shoes and gone for a walk tonight....shoulda, coulda, woulda. I am 1/3 of the way to 30 but feel like I have so much to learn. I also worry that I will gain weight eating so much everyday but I am doing my best to keep with the program. Someone on a FB group told me today to "trust the process" and that is what I need to do. I can't judge the effect this Whole30 program will have on me until I have completed it. Meal #1 was steak and an egg, with sautéed greens, potatoes and half a peach. Meal #2 was cabbage and Andouille, broccoli and cauliflower, spaghetti squash and monkey salad. Meal #3 was taco salad with spinach and sweet potato crisps.  So on to day 11 I go...

 

Day 9

Today was harder and I even walked over 5 miles. I struggled with the energy monster. Meal #1 was 2 eggs, potatoes cooked in coconut oil, chicken sausage and sautéed greens. Pineapple for a fruit. Meal #2 was a spinach and strawberry salad with coconut and cashews dressed with pantry vinergrett. Meal #3 was grilled steak, sweet potato and sautéed greens. 21 more days...I will do this.

Day 8....Cravings

Today I had more cravings than I have had so far. EVERYTHING looked good. I did break down and had a Larabar which is Whole30 approved and a cup of coffee in the afternoon. I never gave in to the urges but they we're very present. I had the bar because I was hungry and needed to stop the pangs. This morning I went to the store and got a few things and then did some vegetable prep while the baby slept. Meal #1 was an omelet with sautéed spinach,bacon and peppers. Strawberries on the side. Meal #2 was pulled pork with pasta sauce, roasted cauliflower/broccoli and sautéed greens. I ate half a peach because it was huge. Meal #3 was a roasted piece of chicken, spaghetti squash, sautéed greens and cauliflower. 22 days to go. I can do this.

Day #7 and the end of the first week.

 

Well I made through the first 7 days and I really feel great. Today I had crazy energy and scrubbed my kitchen, did some mopping and vacuuming. This evening my sweet husband asked me to take him on a walk so we had a nice stroll. It wasn't anything to long 2.5 miles maybe but it was great to be out in the night air, holding hands and taking him on one of my trails. I have even more confidence now that I will complete this. My meals were simple and included some leftovers or pre-prepped food. Meal #1 was Andouille and egg scramble, sautéed cabbage and fresh pineapple. Meal #2 was grilled eggplant, turkey burger with pasta sauce and asparagus. Meal #3 was sweet potato hash browns, fried eggs, and a kale and prosciutto sauté.  

 

 

Day #6

Today was #6 and I really feel great. The "carb flu" that I read about has not struck and I am going to cross my fingers that it doesn't. It has been a great day as I had time to walk, then went and had my nails done and hair trimmed. It was a day focused on me and while I truly don't want to be selfish, I did enjoy the time out and special attention. I did a little grocery shopping and then came home and did some prep. I grilled some vegetables, my sausage and some turkey burgers for the week. I also got a nice pineapple cut up which I left part in the refrigerator and froze the rest. Frozen pineapple is a treat. For Meal #1 I had the Monkey salad, sweet potato hash browns cooked in coconut oil and a 3 egg omelet filled with sautéed arugula and sweet peppers. Meal #2 was a leftover meal in which I took a baked potato and put my chili from last night on it. I had a plum as well. Meal #3 was great. I cooked some prosciutto and then sweated some cabbage down with it. (made plenty so I have extras for the week) I had grilled eggplant, asparagus and turkey Andouille sausages. The sausages were a real find as I read label after label to see if something existed that didn't contain sugar, nitrates or other harmful junk. These fit the bill as well as some turkey breakfast links I found. At the Deli counter I was assisted in finding some ham that didn't contain sugar. Reading labels is a real eye opener as it seems like so many products are sugar filled along with so much other crap. It is really hard to find food items that are in a more natural state. I guess so much of this program is built on "WHOLE" nutrition and I am finding that enlightening. 24 more days to go. I haven't decided my course when I am done but I definitely think I will continue doing this if not at least eat a more paleo in nature diet. One step at a time.





 

Thoughts....

Stuck in the middle of my Whole30 log I wanted to post just about some thoughts I had today while walking. I did a 5.5 mile loop and started to feel a blister coming on before mile 3. There was one small little thought to call my husband to come and get me but I decided to push through it. I have a nice quarter size blister to show for it but glad I mushed through. While I was pondering my options about my "blister" and silently whining I thought of one of my friends who has cancer and going through so much right now. How can I complain about a blister? Geez! I have it so good, I really do. As much as there are things I would like to see change, and happen in my life, the life of my family, I really am blessed. I was pushed to think about the fact that maybe there are some things also that could benefit from my showing more faith and putting more in the hands of the Lord. I say I do it but I don't do it really as I should...I need to work on that. Walking felt so good but it was hard...because I have lapsed lately and while yesterday I did 5, and my 5.5 today I still have so far to go to get back in the groove of things. It feels so amazing and freeing just to walk and walk and have no timeline of when I need to be back. The energy it gives me AND the emotional boost is just indescribable. The biggest thing is it gives me time to connect with me and my Savior. I know that may sound so crazy but I am more in tune while out on my feet walking that I am when I am in the middle of mayhem called life. Today is the 6th day of this Whole30 and I feel really good and clear headed. I don't know if I will lose any weight like I am hoping too but the other benefits seem to be worth the work and sacrifice. It feels nice to be doing something that is just for me and working towards this goal. I have forgotten that setting goals for me is a huge motivator and being a little selfish about it I am hoping to really grow in a new way during this 30 days. I will keep on chugging and doing what I do. I know the moments I want to pull my hair out because I am stressed and overwhelmed won't cease but staying focused on this path for 30 days is a way I can hopefully heal my body and mind. I am shooting for that anyway. So my journey continues....

Day #5

 

 

Well today was Saturday and my 5th day on Whole30. I didn't feel like an elaborate Meal #1 so I reheated the last of my two pork sausages and had a mixed fruit salad with coconut meat and cashews on top. That was really good and filling. I am finding that I am not really feeling hungry and so my urge to snack hasn't been too strong. I still think about food, the M&M's on top of the refrigerator that stare longingly at me, the cupboard full of chips that I am sure would be delicious OR how bout that popcorn my son popped last night...smelled heavenly. I don't touch...and I am keenly aware of my senses. For meal #2 a made a salad with a lot of different vegetables. I whipped up the avocado dressing that is in the ISWF book and had that mixed in. We had left over London broil from last night so I put that on the top for my protein. For my final meal of the day I made an awesome beef and vegetable chili and had kiwi and plum on the side. I was stoked at how good the chili tasted. Sweet potatoes, zucchini, onion, red pepper and jalapeno were the stars of the show. It was spicy and flavorful. I am so glad I have leftovers to enjoy on another day. It was really cool out today and I put on my shoes and went for a good 5 mile walk. That felt so good. I am looking forward to getting out tomorrow and doing that again. I miss my regular walks. It will be so nice to figure out a schedule where I can walk routinely again. So far my impression of this program is good. I have energy and emotionally I feel better...perhaps that is because I have something I am committed to and am working hard to follow the guidelines. I drink more water than I used to. So...5 down...and 25 more to go. I am on a roll.



 

 

Day #4

Today started with a headache but midmorning it is gone with the aid of Ibuprophen. Meal #1 was a 3 egg scramble tossed with the last of my roasted root vegetables, red pepper and some bacon. I ate half a pear also. I tried a different kind of coffee with the coconut cream but it still tastes bitter and not really enjoyable. I think I will most likely swear off coffee for the rest of this program. It is just not the same without my Equal and ff half&half. I did leave food on my plate as I felt full. I am trying the flavored sparkling water that has no sweetners and it is tolerable but not a huge fan. Water is much better. :)  The new nonstick skillet I bought has been such a big help. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of fat I have to add for cooking. I am using the healthy fats suggestions from Whole30 but I just don't like to cook with that much. I bought a plantain yesterday and am excited to attempt tostones. Well Meal #2 was okay but I expected more flavor. I made a chicken salad with olive oil mayo, celery, cashews and pineapple. I used leaf lettuce for wraps and had sliced tomatoes and tostones on the side. The tostones were awesome but I threw the last 3 away because I decided as super yummy as they are they satisfied a salty chip craving. I was at one point so stressed with a screaming toddler that I headed straight for the rest of what I had not plated so I could comfort eat. I stopped myself because I realized what I was doing. While having the others would have been okay meal plan wise I just threw them out to disconnect from the emotionally stressed munch. I feel really good about that choice. Well my 4th day is done. My #3 meal was London broil, sautéed swiss chard, butternut squash patties and cucumber/tomato salad. I feel good. I haven't had any real issues with energy so I hope that continues. 

Day #3

 

 

Well, today was the 3rd day and fortunately I woke up without a headache. I got a little creative and tried to make some different meals. Meal #1 I made some really good zucchini and sweet potato patties. I put in a whole egg and some flax meal for a binder. I topped it with a sunny side egg, some slice pork sausage and had nectarines and blueberries on the side. For meal #2 I made a soup with chicken and vegetables. I used a boxed bone broth that was chicken and ginger. It was tasty but spicy and way more than I could eat. Meal #3 was homemade tomato sauce and beef meatballs on a bed of sautéed zucchini. I made a nice salad with vinaigrette on the side. For my fruit I mixed blueberries/raspberries and coconut meat and that was very yummy. My mind was definitely on food today and while I am eating plenty I felt hungry. I still am trying to shake the coffee but I discovered unsweetened coconut cream and added that to it and that made a huge difference. While at the store tonight I kept noticing all these things I would love to eat but then I realized I am doing this to break that cycle so I felt very self aware as I was shopping. I think one of the things that is hard about this program is the work to prepare a meal and actually sit down and focus on eating. It is so different from inhaling food without the brain getting the "I'm full" signal. I also thought about the fact that I don't have to clean my plate. Tuning in to that signal is also something I am trying to work on. All in all it was a good day. So 27 more to go...and my journey continues.

 

 

 

Day #2....

This will be a post I add to throughout the day but wanted to note that I woke up with a beast of a headache this morning. I thought it was weird as I am not usually a headache person so I wonder what it could be???? It may be the smaller amount of caffeine I consumed yesterday. After 3 Ibuprophen I am better. I am really, really glad I did some food prep. before I started this. Cooking a pan of bacon, roasting veg's, cooking my homemade sausage patties, etc. has been so helpful. I am trying to make extra veg's when I cook dinner in the evenings for the family the Whole30 way so I can use the leftovers in future meals. The other night I cooked extra grilled pork chops which worked out fantastic warmed up for my dinner. I made the olive oil mayo and pantry dressing both recipes I got from the Whole30 book and they are divine in taste and helpful for adding flavor. The salad I made yesterday with Salmon was from Salmon I grilled the same time I did the pork chops. Today I am going to cook a pork roast and will shred it and put in small portions. Part of it will be for the family-add bbq sauce for quick pulled pork sandwiches. I will have mine differently, and according to the program. I don't mind cooking for the family a little differently than I do myself but they are enjoying some of it. I joked with my husband yesterday that I wondered when he would sneak off to McDonald's. :) Breakfast this morning was some bacon, roasted root veg's and arugula sautéed in a little ghee. Then I made a 3 egg white wrap to put under my veg. mixture. It was really good. I had strawberries on the side. One thing someone mentioned on a twitter feed or blog I read and that is a "drawback" to all this cooking....THE DISHES. I have to agree and that is why taking that day or so to prep as much as possible saves some time. With the toddler hot on my heels it is hard to spend loads of time in the kitchen and hard to sit and slowly eat. She demands a lot of attention. Yesterday I felt stressed out and ending up bawling after I tried for a couple of hours to get her to nap. I want to do what I need to get back on track and be a healthier me. Sometimes I feel a little resentful that my life seems to revolve around babysitting and I don't have the free time I once had. I remind myself over and over that it is up to ME to overcome what is holding me back and I can figure out a way to work within the limitations I have at this time. People have full time jobs, people have more than one little person to deal with at home...and they all manage. I need to do the same and not use it as an excuse but there are just those moments well I feel trapped. That has really got to stop because it is melting my good feelings and making me not very nice. One of my old friends is very sick and I have other people in my life who are struggling with issues that they can't control and I try very hard to remember them when the pity kicks in. I am truly blessed, lucky and as another friend told me recently...I need to worry about what I have control over...the rest leave to God.

So I am adding in that I am so happy I went for a walk this morning. I put the little girl in the stroller and walked for 4 miles. The bonus was she fell asleep on the way back and slept longer once we got home. I was able to fix and eat lunch quietly without interruption and get a few things done. My time was well spent and I was free of frustration. For lunch I made a mixed baby greens salad with cucumbers,olives,sweet peppers,broccoli dressed with pantry vinegrett. I cooked some shrimp in a small amount of ghee and topped my salad with those. I had some frozen blueberries on the side. I am drinking plenty of water today as well.

The day is done and I survived and no afternoon coffee I might add. For meal#3 I made a,yellow curry and added shredded pork, butternut squash, cauliflower and basil. I ate the leftover green beans and brussel sprouts. It was all very tasty. On to day #3 and 28 to go.

The first day....I survived.

So today was the big day....Day 1 of 30 days that I hope will reset my physical, emotional and nutritional clock. I got on the scale to see my starting point and then put it away for 30 days. Meal #1 (breakfast) was really good and filling. I chopped up some baby sweet peppers, kale and threw in some roasted potatoes. This was cooked in a little bit of ghee. I added some of the pork sausage I made and had precooked. This hash was topped with two sunny side eggs also cooked in a little ghee. I had fresh strawberries on the side. Meal #2 (lunch) was a grilled salmon salad with celery,dill pickles and olive oil mayo I made last night. This I ate on a bed of arugula and tomato  with slices of nectarine. Meal #3 (dinner) was a nice grilled pork chop with balsamic glaze, green beans cooked with onion and some roasted potatoes. I had a salad of arugula and tomato with the pantry vinegrett I made. Roasted root vegetables finished off the plate. The great thing today was that I used many of my prepped foods to make putting meals together easier. My one screw up was a cup of decaf coffee in the late afternoon. I will still take day 1 as a victory. It was an extremely stressful day and I was very aware of the fact that I wanted to eat to calm my anxiety but I did not relent. I also worked hard on drinking more water. So that is my Day 1 down...29 more to go. Baby steps.

The Day Before..

I spent yesterday shopping and getting some things done like a total clean out of my fridge and freezer. Today I have a trip to Trader Joe's to pick up the last of what I think I will need to get started. My house smells amazing as I have had a bone broth simmering in the oven all night. I will divide that up and freeze it for soups and dishes. I also got some ground pork and seasoned it for sausage. It will be interesting to see how that turns out. Today I find myself excited but have that little bit of anxiety about this commitment. I am confident it is the right thing for me but concerned about the work only because I usually have a little person running amuck here which makes preparing anything hard. I will figure it all out though. I am eager for the challenge and change  that is the reward.

It has been so very long....

I was kind of stunned when I came here only to see how long it has been since my last post. I guess the reality is that I have been struggling THAT long or longer to get myself in a good space. When I get stuck in the mire, my desire to blog just falls away. Still hanging on by a thread but I have fallen to the wayside with all my good choices, exercise, etc. I feel every single pound I have gained as a result. My 12's are T.I.G.H.T. and food has been used as a great comforter but unfortunately the results are not comforting. So I have been trying to figure out what in the world I can do to shake myself out of the funk I have been in lately. I decided I need a reset and while I usually don't like diets, and don't subscribe to them as a rule...Tuesday, Sept. 15th I am going on one...for 30 days. Whole30 is going to be my life for 30 days. I have to make some commitments to myself to make it work. One of the things I am going to do and it may get mundane for 30 days but I am going to blog with either photos or just a description of my 3 meals a day AND I am going to include a dialog on how I feel. My other commitment is to walk when I can...find a way to get out more. I HATE that I have lost that lately and I have to take it back. I have excuses but honestly....those aren't going to make me feel any better or honestly explain it away. I just have to do what I can...My confidence has plummeted and I feel constantly overwhelmed and it is almost as if I am stuck in quick sand. My hope is that completely turning how I eat on it's ear and making a commitment to 30 days that I will feel better. In a way it is as though I will have a mission (not impossible) for a month and I can concentrate on all the work that will go in to it. Whole30 is a way of eating that removes so many of the common foods I eat and replaces them with pure, healthy protein, vegetables, fruits and healthy fats. It will mean that on days when I am not babysitting that part of my time will be spend preparing food for the week. It will be an exercise in disconnecting myself from using food as a way of feeding the depression monster when I am triggered. I hope more than anything the cloudy, fog brain and lack of motivation I have been experiencing will go away because I physically feel better. Yes, I hope to shed some of the pounds I have gained and put myself back in a safe zone but it is the switch I hope will get me rolling again. So for those that catch up on my blog...fair warning about the next 30 days to come because there will be a lot of posts and they may or may not be all that interesting. Of course I never know what is interesting about this struggle...but I constantly see and hear things I can relate to and know I am not alone.

Ouch!!!

It is probably crazy to post a giant picture of my toe but I wanted to share what can happen when you are over zealous in walking. (Huge smile) I have a blue toe or what is a giant blister  under my nail that is incredibly painful. I keep draining it (TMI) but it fills back up pushing my nail forward. This showed up after my 10 mile walk on Sunday. I still knocked out over 5.36 miles yesterday even in pain. I have to admit my legs felt like dead weight so those were more distracting than the toe. Today I will do a quick 3 miles. I am kind of glad to learn about the blue toe now so that I can learn how to prevent it in the future especially for the half marathon I am doing in October. Honestly I feel so much better, eating is on track and I had a little break from babysitting which was good for me. Things are rolling in a positive direction. Yesterday I made a batch of granola which taste so much better than store bought. I don't put dried fruit in it because I have learned it makes it chewy and increases the calories. Frozen blueberries and a small amount of unsweetened coconut milk or cashew milk is a perfect addition. The grandbaby and I shared some scrambled eggs for protein. I don't eat much granola as it is high in calories so I measure out 1/2 a cup. It is pretty addicting so I close that bag quick. My family loves the sweet,salty,nutty goodness.
It is going to be a great day....a balancing act but a great day. I am blessed.

A Year Of Changes

I celebrated today by strapping on my shoes and going for the longest walk I have been on all year. 10.19 miles. It felt amazing and freeing to know the person I am today is not the same person I was a year ago. Not only have I gone from a size 22 to a 12 but my heart is different. Something has clicked that never has before making my commitment to me so much greater. I struggle and slip up but there is still this huge sense of permanence that never existed before. Here is to looking forward to better changes this year.

Tomorrow is my one year anniversary....

Tomorrow is July 26th. One year from the date that I had that Dr. appointment and got on a scale and got shook up over my weight and made a decision to do something about it. Tonight I plan on going back and reading over my posts so that I can regroup but as I think back so much has changed. I've changed. A year ago I decided that by my 50th birthday I wanted to be under 200 pounds. I am happy to say that I achieved that a while ago and I am 49 years old. I wondered where I would be in a year and thankfully I have really accomplished a lot. I have slid back in some ways but in other ways I have made a change of heart that seems to be lasting. I knew going in to this the hardest part would not be getting to my goal and it hasn't been the hard part. It is staying put once I achieved it. That is really, really tough because life has a way of constantly throwing us curve balls and it is so easy to feel like we've "arrived" when the reality is there is no finish line. There is never a finish line it is always a constant work in progress to be healthy, happy and in charge of our personal goals. My plate runneth over right now but probably no more so than anyone else and I just have to keep plugging away and being selfish about taking care of me. It feels good to "FEEL GOOD" and to feel motivated and alive. A year from this post I "should" be living in a completely new place, new state with a new routine and probably a whole new set of curve balls. I hope that I will be able to look back and be happy with my future progress and be continuing my efforts to be better at all I try to do. I want to be not only a better person physically but I want to try my best to be better emotionally, personally and as a whole to the world. I need to find ways to love more, be more compassionate, more humble and look for more good in the world. I walked almost 7 miles today alone, in the misty rain which turned to a slow drizzle. I walked up the "Hill That I Hate" and said out loud...."I don't hate you anymore". It is these hills that I climb up and down that are what has made me better and stronger and helped me change. I appreciate that hill now.

Warning...this will be long....

As you can see from the title this will be a long post. I need to put my thoughts out there in the universe. I have been struggling now for two months and while my heart is so much in this everything else has been a train wreck. My walking habits have slowed down to a crawl and my eating has been awful. I have been almost deliberate in my actions and it is a result of my emotions, frustrations and general sense of tremendous "overwhelm". I am a girl hanging on to the cliff but not crazy enough to let go. There is a lot of guilt I have over how I feel. What is my problem? Well, I guess I am overwhelmed with being put in a position that I didn't ask for and that is full time care giver to an infant. For those that know me, you know I love being a Grandmother and I adore my grandbaby but I also feel like I have lost a part of my life in this process because I don't get to be a regular Grandmother. So much of my time is consumed with taking care of this little person's needs that there is little time left for all the other things I need to do much less want to do. I am being selfish I feel like and struggling like crazy and taking it out on me. Instead of figuring out a way to work with it...I am crumbling and falling apart physically. I CAN'T DO THAT. I just can't do that. I know there are plenty of Grandparents in the world in this very position. Some are even raising their grandchildren. There is sometimes in our lives we make sacrifices and this is just a time in mine but I know in my heart of hearts the one sacrifice I cannot make is my good health, happiness and all the headway I have made in my journey. Yes, I feel like I am on a hamster wheel. Yes, I am incredibly tired. Yes, I am sometimes even bitter that I can't be perfect at handling everything with finesse. I know that what I have to do is take a deep breath and "work it out". I have been selfish about walking and don't like including anyone but now it's just not a reality. Little Miss had to go with me and there is no way around it. Today I packed her up in the stroller early and did a good 5+ miler. It was actually a better work out with her than without so perhaps there is some extra health benefit. She slept most of the way through it and I know the fresh air was good for her. It will be tricky in the winter when it is cold/wet but again...I will figure something out. I have to. As for my eating...that boils down to knowing better and getting back to the basics of what works. Eating well for me is not rocket science. It is just a matter of avoiding processed foods, starches and sugars. More veg's, fruit, good, lean protein and complex carbs and what work the best for me. Smaller meals with snacks to keep cravings at bay. I can do this... I have less than one year before we move and then I won't have this time with this little girl. I know it is precious and I need to soak it up. I just have to clear my head of the angst and silly thoughts that really try to push me backwards. I also have a half marathon in October that I seriously have to get ready for so that means extra work for me. I have to squeeze that in here and there when I can. So to sum it all up....I am working hard to get over it and muster the courage to be a person and do what must be done. I have to be a full time Mom/Grandmother/Wife/Babysitter/Taxi-driver/housecleaner/cook and carve out a piece of time to take care of ME! I will make sure I take care of me. I am not letting go of the cliff.

I can't believe it has been this long....

There is always a tale-tell sign when it has been a while since I have been on that something is going on in my life and that things aren't going swimmingly. Such has been the case with my absence of late. I can't say that it has been anything major...just a huge "OVERWHELM" and it has reflected greatly in a slow down on my part. There is good parts to this and bad parts to this. Bad parts first....I have walked less and totally said screw the gym (just not my thing) and have been stress eating to a gain of about 10 pounds. So where is the good part in that....I am aware still, committed and so very much IN THIS! I can look at what is going on and see what I see understand where I need to prioritize things. I am letting life get in the way of me. Not making excuses but physically I am in a very comfortable place now so this is the size that I want to be (12) and so it is a maintenance period. Of course comfort eating and not walking as much is not going to help me maintain anything. Also...I realize I haven't been blogging which really helps me clear my thoughts out but it gives me a place to set goals. I was walking yesterday (6.8 miles) and I realized I haven't been setting goals. I was really motivated by my goals so I need to get back to doing that. It is a "place-mark" for me and helps me see something in the distance to reach out for. Even in a maintenance phase we still need goals obviously or footing is lost. So here I am dealing with this gain. My clothes still fit but I am itchy. Itch means body changing and that is not cool so I have to get busy and get back to work. Reality talking there. July 26th will be one year since I started this process and yesterday while walking I decided that I will give myself till then to drop that 10 pounds. Now I got on the scale this morning and a bit of it was gone already. Yesterday I was 186 and this morning I was 184.4. I would like to bee 176 by July 26. So that is one goal I am putting out there. My next goal I am putting out there is to get back to walking no less than 4 times a week. It is going to have to be at what ever time of the day I can do it but I need to do it. In October I am walking a Half Marathon and I have to get ready for that. I also need to support my mental health and all the stuff that is going on in my life right now and truly walking is the absolute best medicine there is for me. It is my CHURCH. I feel so lifted up and in tune with my God and Savior and pray constantly. I try to leave my worries on the pavement with every step I take. Sometimes I just let the tears come because I don't feel like I can be alone here in my own house to take a moment to just cry. My life is good and I am blessed and I don't want for anyone to read this to be mistaken but I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a grandmother, I am a taxi driver, I am a babysitter,I am a lady going through "the change"...I am soon going to be preparing for another move next summer, we are trying to sell a house from thousands of miles away, I am worried for my eldest child who is trying to carve out a life for she and her baby and will stay behind as we move away...so many, many things that weigh on my heart. I want to take care of me and not loose all the ground I covered. I just can't do that to myself...not again. I trudged up "the hill that I hate" yesterday and I remembered all the walks in the freezing cold, the ice, even some snow but I got out there and I did it...I didn't give up. I can't give up now. NO WAY. So...for those of you that really know me...if you read this...keep me in your thoughts...shoot me a note...send me email jagjaglee@gmail.com. I would love to hear what you are doing to get through the tough moments and how you are climbing those hills to win your battles.

Two other goals I am trying to set for myself is in regards to eating. The caution to the wind attitude had got to change and I don't know where it came from. Yesterday I ate really great and back to the high fiber, vegetables and lean meat. So this is the course I have to get back to. Water is the other thing I need to work on. I wasn't really great at it before because of my bladder issues but since I have lost so much weight those have really improved so I would like to drink more water.

They say goals not written down are merely wishes so I have recorded my goals. If you follow my blog at all I hope you will stick with me. I have come a long way and I am truly proud of myself and want to make this change permanent and life long. Going from a size 22 to 12 in less than a year feels great and it is that feeling that is more important to me than the "looking". To walk out the door and know I can do just about anything I set my mind to is amazing and I find courage in unexpected places. I just need to work on my faith and learning to trust more and leave things to God. I know everything that I am worrying about will be okay....I just need to take care of that which I can take care of and leave everything else to him.

New Kicks

So this is a post about shoes. Yes...you read that right...shoes. I love shoes but what I am the biggest snob about is having really good shoes for walking/running/exercising. They wear out quickly if you are putting substantial miles on them and also when they start breaking down well it is time to replace. My favorites are Asics Gel Nimbus. They fit my foot well and for my gate have given me a good wear. They are not cheap but I look at the outcome and I say they are worth the investment. Comfort and stability are worth paying more for in a good shoe.

I am finding myself in that ZONE....

So there is this place...and it is all too familiar to me and I don't like it. It is a place of comfort and it is a place of skirting the tracks. I have really had my wheels out of the tracks lately and I have to get back on course. The honest truth is that I have felt like utter crap for two weeks and the only place I have wanted to be is in my bed. However, I have also eaten more than I should, snacked more than I should and let my thoughts and feelings dictate my life a little bit these past two weeks. The one thing that I have to say helps is the knowledge that I am aware of what is going on. I have been in this place before and it is a scary place to be but I won't abandon what I have learned to love. I just know it is like having a compass in hand and mine has been spinning out of control. I need to find my North again and put my feet on the ground and move forward. 

When I make a mistake, I own it. There is no room for blame. I get tired, I get bored, I get sad, and I get overwhelmed and damn it....sometimes I just want things to be "perfect". I want to be in this body that can wear anything, do anything, be anything without work and able to eat anything. Reality and truth is...it doesn't work that way. There are really very few people in the world who have that kind of luck. I have also been cruely aware of my imperfections and then I realize that my imperfections are those things that make me unique AND now stronger. All these stretch marks I have are the product of weight gained first and foremost to give life to 4 of the most amazing children. So I have to ask which I would rather have? Anyone who knows me...knows my answer...hands down. I have a husband who married me when I was a size 22 and NEVER once has made me feel heavy. He has never made me feel like I could be better. He has always treated me as if I am perfect and how lucky I am to have such a kind hearted, geniune man to share life with. 

My worrying, and burdening my brain with the things I can't control will not help me stay on track. It will in fact derail me so I know I need to let go. This morning my thoughts were clear that I need to pray about it and just let Heavenly Father handle what I know I can't. 

My goals for this next week are to walk, get to the gym, drink more water and eat well. I also want to get out at least once this week and do a hike somewhere close by.  My other goal is to be aware of small snacking that can add up. I wasn't doing that and I have lately so I need to curb that. 

Finding my North....that is what this week is about. I have the Color Run next Sunday on Mother's Day and I want to be excited about it. I am not...it won't be difficult for me but because I have just felt so crummy it is hard to get ramped up and excited. I am going to work on getting myself pumped up. It will be an accomplishment, an adventure and outing with my son and something I can say I did. It will be good for me. 

It's not Wednesday.....

eh...so a day late....oh well. This bad cold, bronchial mess has kicked my tail AND taken my 9 year old as it's latest victim. I haven't walked in a week or been to the gym and I am so miserable about that. I weighed in today at 176 pounds so I have managed to keep the weight down. So my current weight lost since July now stands at 95.6. I set my goal to get to somewhere between 175 and 170 pounds so I am oh so close. However I just feel like I am in this space that is a good place now to really change now and become strong. I need to get well....wahhhhhhhh.....Tomorrow...no matter what I am going walking and to the gym and little dude is going to school. I will say I have worked hard around the house today so for being "down" I have still kept moving. I hope my older son doesn't have a fit when he comes home and discovers I super cleaned his room. LOL :)

 

Lately though...I have been having issues with worry about the future and our next move. I know I need to be careful because it is not even summer, we won't move until the following summer AND I am already letting the OVERWHELM creep in. I suppose I can use this to my advantage and take it to the pavement and walk it out but seriously...it is going to drive me a bit mad. I am a worrier, and a planner and a control freak when it comes to some things. I hate moving, I hate this year before and I hate the process especially now when I have just things that will have to be dealt with before hand. :(

 

I need to remember to rely on my Heavenly Father because I know he will smooth it all out. It will all be okay.

Sick Day.....

This week has been a down week for me work out wise. I had a few days I walked and one day I made it to the gym and then WHAM!!!! The crud hit me like a ton of bricks. I may be completely over thinking this but I have wondered and wondered if it wasn't the steam room that I sat in for about 15 minutes on Monday. It could also be germs from the airplane from my trip to Cali, or germs from the gym equipment or heaven forbid...it was time for this health, middle aged female to just get sick. Gasp....Anyway...I am stuck in bed, huge jug of water, coughing my lungs up, ears aching, joints aching, nose running and things could be worse so life is really good. I count my blessings.

Lately the scale has been hanging around 178-9 and this morning it was 177.something. I chalk that up to illness and not really eating a whole lot these last couple of days. Anyway, I think I can safely say I am in that zone or getting close to it. As I get in to this area I feel so comfortable in I am searching for a strong body. The size I am wearing I am very comfortable and I don't mind if this is where I land. My goal now is to refine and tone and strengthen. (wouldn't mind the muffin top disappearing but part of that is skin creeping over) So my goals are going to start to be more strength driven, experience driven and learning to balance and maintain.

I have found I love going to the gym. I feel strong there and enjoy making sure I include my walks around the neighborhood for a warm-up first really makes a huge difference. I feel like I would be losing something major about this journey if I let go of what I love so much and that is my walking. I don't like treadmills, can't do treadmills and heaven forbid...one day I may be resigned to use one but for now...I have this beautiful area and I can get out and walk and go further if I want or cut it short if I want. The gorgeous spring is here which will soon turn in to an amazing Summer. This is a time to relish in Sun and the precious few months of warmth that this area offers us. I am looking forward to learning to kayak, and going hiking and just putting myself out there and trying new things.

So as I sniffle and cough and hack in bed, those are the "Selfish Lady's" thoughts. I have got to get on the mend so I can get right back out there and get to it.

Some days just suck and then it changes...

Yesterday was one of those days and actually I have had a few funky days. I woke up just feeling really blue and I couldn't put my finger on what was going on. I knew I needed to go for a walk and go to the gym and I wasn't feeling it but I got dressed for it anyway. I headed out the door for a walk with a sense of dread but as I walked things changed. It was an emotional walk and I don't like those because crying and walking aren't a good mix but they are oh so good for me. I still don't know what it is that was bothering me but all I know is that by the time I was done walking I felt a huge sense of relief and was ready to go tackle the gym. I had a great "self talk" as a climbed the "hill I hate" and it was just something I needed to get out an do. It confirmed to me what I already knew and that was that when I don't feel like doing something I need to do it anyway because I will feel so much better afterward. My day changed from being down and depressing to ending up being pretty good. I am grateful I pushed through the funk and got my butt out the door.

To put things in to perspective....

The first picture was taken of me today and I am weighing about 180ish. I had just gotten back from walking close to 8 miles. The second picture is old, taken in November of 2008 but it is the only one of I have of me at my heighest weight, 286 pounds. I came across it last night and I was pretty stunned to see that person there...such an unhappy soul. I have a long way to go but thank goodness that lady in the second picture is no more. 

No Wednesday post this week....

It's been a crazy week this week since I got back from my trip to California which was amazing. I had a wonderful time and LOVED the opportunity to go sleeveless and bask in the sunshine. WARMTH...awe...how I missed it. It was a joy to finally achieve the goal that I set for myself when and if I broke 200 and that was the walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. I did that with my best friend. I got a little choked as I watched her because I knew what it meant to her as well as she has lost now over 165 pounds I believe. I asked her while we were walking if she could have pictured us here a year ago as we walked arm in arm, holding hands at time...and she said..."No way". It was surreal. What a huge change our lives have taken. It is a gift to be here now in this place mentally and physically and I am so grateful for struggles and heartaches and hitting the bottom. It is those moments that made me change and decide I just couldn't stay in that place I was in. I want to be different. 

I will post pictures of my trip and some will include my cool photo shoot my buddy took with me. She dolled me up with heavy makeup and took some head shots. She is a nut but it was so fun and of course looking at them makes me something I don't see every day. The trip was filled with girl talk and shopping and pampering, and hanging out and watching her son (who is like a son to me) play baseball, and yummy food, and lunch out with another dear friend. It was healing balm for this tired Mom and Grandma. 

On the last day there, I went to the gym with my BFF and was inspired by her strength. I have known for quite some time that while walking has brought me to a point...I am at a place that I need more and only a place like a gym is going to get me there. I need to strength train, I need weights and equipment that I just don't have at home. So I went and joined a gym. I am hoping that I can build muscle and tone up and not necessarily lose a bunch more weight but strengthen myself and build on the work I have already done. 

On that note...I got on the scale today and it was 180.8 so I have officially lost over 90 pounds. I am very excited about that. I am 5-10 pounds from my personal goals. The gym has other things in mind for me but again...building muscle and core strength is what I am really going there for. I did set some personal goals that I may try to shoot for but I am a little unsure of them and I need to anchor myself more. Goals regarding trying to learn to run and working towards a 5K in July is one of them. I am not going to give up my walking because I love that and I need the therapy and I know I would be giving up something that has made a huge impact on my life if I did. So I am going to try to incorporate walking/running at home and then do the weights at the gym. I will probably do some time there on the different equipment for short cardio bursts like elliptical, rowing, and this funking treadmill they have to warm up. For the most part my walking will take center stage in my environment as it has been because obviously it has been effective and I am guarded about that. 

My 30 day range goal is to be in the 170's and to run a mile. I had inserted a "hopefully" but that didn't sound very optimistic so I need to be a little more committed. I actually wrote down that when I do the Color Run on Mother's Day, I would like to run at least 1 mile of that. So that is just a hair of 1 month away. I have the distance under my belt as I walk 5,6,7 miles easily and I walk hills easily. I just have to break through the mental block that tells me to stop running and that is easier said than done. 

Off to go walk and throw a few sprints in there and see how I do today. Life is good...so very good. I am blessed with family, friends and the strength that comes from my Saviour. He has given me the faith in myself to change. I know I can do this because nothing is impossible.