So there is this place...and it is all too familiar to me and I don't like it. It is a place of comfort and it is a place of skirting the tracks. I have really had my wheels out of the tracks lately and I have to get back on course. The honest truth is that I have felt like utter crap for two weeks and the only place I have wanted to be is in my bed. However, I have also eaten more than I should, snacked more than I should and let my thoughts and feelings dictate my life a little bit these past two weeks. The one thing that I have to say helps is the knowledge that I am aware of what is going on. I have been in this place before and it is a scary place to be but I won't abandon what I have learned to love. I just know it is like having a compass in hand and mine has been spinning out of control. I need to find my North again and put my feet on the ground and move forward.
When I make a mistake, I own it. There is no room for blame. I get tired, I get bored, I get sad, and I get overwhelmed and damn it....sometimes I just want things to be "perfect". I want to be in this body that can wear anything, do anything, be anything without work and able to eat anything. Reality and truth is...it doesn't work that way. There are really very few people in the world who have that kind of luck. I have also been cruely aware of my imperfections and then I realize that my imperfections are those things that make me unique AND now stronger. All these stretch marks I have are the product of weight gained first and foremost to give life to 4 of the most amazing children. So I have to ask which I would rather have? Anyone who knows me...knows my answer...hands down. I have a husband who married me when I was a size 22 and NEVER once has made me feel heavy. He has never made me feel like I could be better. He has always treated me as if I am perfect and how lucky I am to have such a kind hearted, geniune man to share life with.
My worrying, and burdening my brain with the things I can't control will not help me stay on track. It will in fact derail me so I know I need to let go. This morning my thoughts were clear that I need to pray about it and just let Heavenly Father handle what I know I can't.
My goals for this next week are to walk, get to the gym, drink more water and eat well. I also want to get out at least once this week and do a hike somewhere close by. My other goal is to be aware of small snacking that can add up. I wasn't doing that and I have lately so I need to curb that.
Finding my North....that is what this week is about. I have the Color Run next Sunday on Mother's Day and I want to be excited about it. I am not...it won't be difficult for me but because I have just felt so crummy it is hard to get ramped up and excited. I am going to work on getting myself pumped up. It will be an accomplishment, an adventure and outing with my son and something I can say I did. It will be good for me.
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