Monday, July 20, 2015

Warning...this will be long....

As you can see from the title this will be a long post. I need to put my thoughts out there in the universe. I have been struggling now for two months and while my heart is so much in this everything else has been a train wreck. My walking habits have slowed down to a crawl and my eating has been awful. I have been almost deliberate in my actions and it is a result of my emotions, frustrations and general sense of tremendous "overwhelm". I am a girl hanging on to the cliff but not crazy enough to let go. There is a lot of guilt I have over how I feel. What is my problem? Well, I guess I am overwhelmed with being put in a position that I didn't ask for and that is full time care giver to an infant. For those that know me, you know I love being a Grandmother and I adore my grandbaby but I also feel like I have lost a part of my life in this process because I don't get to be a regular Grandmother. So much of my time is consumed with taking care of this little person's needs that there is little time left for all the other things I need to do much less want to do. I am being selfish I feel like and struggling like crazy and taking it out on me. Instead of figuring out a way to work with it...I am crumbling and falling apart physically. I CAN'T DO THAT. I just can't do that. I know there are plenty of Grandparents in the world in this very position. Some are even raising their grandchildren. There is sometimes in our lives we make sacrifices and this is just a time in mine but I know in my heart of hearts the one sacrifice I cannot make is my good health, happiness and all the headway I have made in my journey. Yes, I feel like I am on a hamster wheel. Yes, I am incredibly tired. Yes, I am sometimes even bitter that I can't be perfect at handling everything with finesse. I know that what I have to do is take a deep breath and "work it out". I have been selfish about walking and don't like including anyone but now it's just not a reality. Little Miss had to go with me and there is no way around it. Today I packed her up in the stroller early and did a good 5+ miler. It was actually a better work out with her than without so perhaps there is some extra health benefit. She slept most of the way through it and I know the fresh air was good for her. It will be tricky in the winter when it is cold/wet but again...I will figure something out. I have to. As for my eating...that boils down to knowing better and getting back to the basics of what works. Eating well for me is not rocket science. It is just a matter of avoiding processed foods, starches and sugars. More veg's, fruit, good, lean protein and complex carbs and what work the best for me. Smaller meals with snacks to keep cravings at bay. I can do this... I have less than one year before we move and then I won't have this time with this little girl. I know it is precious and I need to soak it up. I just have to clear my head of the angst and silly thoughts that really try to push me backwards. I also have a half marathon in October that I seriously have to get ready for so that means extra work for me. I have to squeeze that in here and there when I can. So to sum it all up....I am working hard to get over it and muster the courage to be a person and do what must be done. I have to be a full time Mom/Grandmother/Wife/Babysitter/Taxi-driver/housecleaner/cook and carve out a piece of time to take care of ME! I will make sure I take care of me. I am not letting go of the cliff.

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