Tuesday, October 13, 2015

4 meals to go...literally....that close...

I am not even counting days now...well, it is tomorrow. Day 30 that is. I am counting MEALS! 4 more to go and I have reached that goal I set out for myself and I am so stoked. How do I feel? Totally amazing? Why no pictures of my food? Because that was a pain in the ass to do. They are on my FB wall that is enough. Having to upload them from my phone and then editing them on my laptop was a pain so I gave up on that. I have just one tiny problem and I wouldn't say it is a problem per se but it is just that I haven't decided what DAY 31 has in store for me...with one exception. NO PICTURES OF MY PLATES OF FOOD! I think I and perhaps I should change the "I think" to "I will" write down in a notebook what I eat for accountability purposes but other than that I am not doing anymore photo diary of my meals. I may take a shot here or there if something looks amazing but that is it. What is the sum total of my thoughts on this whole30 program...well, it has shown me that I don't need to cling to food. Food is food. Food is for nutrition and to sustain us but not to fuel our emotions, feed our feelings, punish ourselves, build up walls and make ourselves dependent. I can live without things I didn't realize I could really go without and be happy....OMG....sugar...even fake sugar....I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU....and I am okay. My coffee is A-okay with out you. Bread...crackers...chips....crappy processed food made by machines and filled with junk....I can survive without YOU too....and live without stuffing your wrappers under the seat of my car or hiding you at the bottom of the trash so no one will ever know I snuck and ate you while I had a few minutes alone to myself. Fast food...YOUR NOT FOOD! I can't believe at one point in my life I was 14 pounds away from 300. That is frightening to type. Sad to say that I was strong enough to lose so much weight and find freedom and then gain it all back because I was still so addicted to FOOD. So here I am now....I have been working hard for well over a year and on the day I started my Whole 30 from my heighest weight I was down 87 pounds. I don't know what they scale will show on Thursday on Day 31. I don't feel fiercly thinner since I started this. Do I hope I have lost some...heck yeah. I do...I hope I am trending down and have lost some of that I gained back. BUT.....the bigger thing is that I HAVE DONE IT! I have gone 30 days and followed the plan. I have eaten whole, healthy, amazing meals and for this moment...Day 31 will probably be much like Day 30 and Day 29 and so forth. I am not ready to reintroduce anything yet. I am not there. My brain is not ready to let go and if I need longer then I need longer. I am proud of me...I feel better, I look better, I have more energy and I can go and do things that I couldn't do at 286 pounds that's for sure. I hated the shame I felt...I don't want that anymore....ever, ever, ever again. I control this. I CONTROL THIS! SELFISH LADY!

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