I am going private....so if you can still read this...I hit the WRONG button!

I feel like I have a "stalker" or two that really have no business knowing the ins and outs of my life...so I am closing this down...and I will allow only those who I want to read my thoughts.

Selfish Much? That's the whole idea! :)

Are you sitting down?

I survived a day without a diet coke? Yeah, I am stoked too!

Carry on!

Wow, Day 4 and I am actually posting...

I have a pulse, a heart beat...a breath...


Last night I actually found it a wee bit hard to go to sleep because I had....



No, I didn't have a Monster drink, I had energy and so much so that it made it hard to get to sleep. I guess eating better is already having a drastic affect on me. I took my new pup for a walk to so I am sure that helped. Hubby brought me home a diet coke and I think I drank maybe 8-12 oz of it so that would be it for the entire day. I haven't had any diet soda today. I have had plenty of water though so that's a good thing.

Last night I made some amazing pork chops. We had them with sweet potatoes, and brussels sprouts and fresh corn. I ate my potato without butter, and only half a piece of corn, also no butter. It was so fun to sit and eat with my family. I asked them if they are ready for me to be home in the evenings so we have dinners together. I also asked them if they are ready to start eating better again. They all gave me a YES! I guess they don't like dinner with just Dad! (giggle) Family dinners are so fun! The conversations are always a riot.

So what thoughts do I have for today? Just to keep living...right here...in this moment...not to one side or the other. Just be somewhere happy in the middle, healthy doing my thing.

2 Down, Hello Mr. 3!

Wow, I have actually survived 2 days of eating well and only 2 Diet Cokes. Now my Diet Cokes aren't for the faint of heart but 2 is better than 4, right?




I also took a leap and stepped on the scale this morning. That gives me power believe it or not. It gives me knowledge and a bit of courage to embrace something rather than hide from it. I have a goal in my head that is modest, do-able and I am not going to live in extremes. I am going to do my best to avoid crap, enjoy the good stuff and have a blast creating all the fun things I love to create in the kitchen. (even the goodies)

Next week I start on a new adventure. I am going to be working the graveyard shift. I am actually really excited about it because it is going to allow me to be here more for my family. I will be at work when they are asleep. It will give me the opportunity to have family dinner with them, enjoy walks with my hubby again like we used to, and help with getting kids picked up or taken to and fro. I know it's going to be a huge adjustment on my body and I am going to have to learn how to make it work but I am willing to at least give it a shot.

I survived yesterday and today is 2/3 over with....

and I am still breathing!

I didn't do anything spectacular with the exception of eating well as I planned. I also just limited myself to one soda.

Today I am being tempted to have another soda but I am going to find something else to have instead. I am sure I have some sugar free something or other to flavor my water with.

So I am pleased....just pleased that I conquered the day and WON!

Tomorrow I hope to be able to say the same about today!

Step one...again...

Today is one of those days I just decided to eat well. So far I have, and I expect to the rest of the day. I am going to actually take my "snack" with me to work rather than being drawn to that which is not going to do me any favors. :)

I want to feel better, so this is step one!

That's all!

Do you ever wonder?????

If there ever can come a point in time where it's okay to tell yourself your perfect just the way you are? Is there ever going to be a moment where I can allow myself to take a deep breath and whisper in such a way that it becomes my truth...I am okay?
I have thought, and over thought and then thought somemore about what my "problem is" and honestly, it would be easier to dig to the center of the universe. The one truth I keep coming back to is that I have NEVER allowed myself to be okay with who I am? I have NEVER...stopped and just loved who I was that very moment. I have been in a constant battle my entire life to fit myself in to mold that would allow me to be acceptable in the eyes of others but losing myself in the process.

I guess I am tired of always trying to be some "state of becoming". I'd rather just focus on who I am this very moment and go from there.

I wonder sometimes....

If my "loss of control" is my way of exerting some control in my life?

I spent most of my younger years being controlled and I hated it. I find sometimes now in my life that there is chaos and it is my own doing. It's as though I am trying to initiate some bizarre feelings of "I can do what I want". It's almost an effort to rebel against what is normal, expected, etc. That is the one thing I would totally like to kick in the ass. I want to beat back those feelings and do what I need to because I WANT TO! That's the ugly monster I wrestle on a daily basis...the "I want to do it" monster versus the "you need to do it monster". It's pretty ridiculous but it's MY REALITY!

Anybody have a couch I can lay on so I can open up my head and get analyzed?????

Well, the fact that I am here, this moment...typing IS PROGRESS!

This will have nothing to do with weight loss....

We may be at another cross roads in the life of our family. We are coming up upon a time where huge decisions are to made regarding our place in this world and where we should go next. A probable advancement will once again push us in other directions...but to where, we have no idea.

First I have to say how profoundly proud I am of my sweet husband. He is so shy to acknowledge that he is a pretty smart guy. What he has accomplished during his service in the Coast Guard is something pride worthy. Yet, he is so humble but I see it in his eyes. He will never boast but he is beaming for sure and I think he should. I love that about him.

I sat last night with my 3 eldest in the office. I don't even remember what caused us to all end up in the same room but it gave us the time to have a heart to heart. I went to bed last night filled with an insurmountable amount of gratitude for these gifts, our children. Each one of them is amazing and as much as I beat myself up about my failings as a person and a parent, I see them, I hear them and understand that they didn't get their magically. I did have a hand in the amazing kids they are. I heard my daughter share with us tearfully the most amazing testimony of her Heavenly Father's love, and her great love for our family. I was stunned for a moment and then consumed.

I am a lucky person and for all my struggles there are triumphs. Life is NOT all about my physicality...it actually has precious little to do with it. It's about LIVING, and LOVING and being present in the moment. I miss so many important moments because I am thinking or doing things that are really unimportant. I don't want to miss anymore.

I will press on and be more prayerful about the changes I make in me...as huge changes continue to be made in our family. My daughter reminded me that no matter what, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and we have an incredible family. No matter where we go, that is a constant and anything else pales in comparison.

Leap...Leap I said! Go on LEAP!

I keep hearing that in my head. Take a leap...do this...get out of this box...move ahead...get off this place where you are stuck and reach out ahead in to the future.

"Unless you change direction you'll arive at where your going". Hello, I am arriving at my destination and I DON'T like it one bit.

I hate the waiting and I tell myself NOT TO! What am I waiting for the mysterious "it" that I always seem to be waiting for. That jolt of whatever it is to push me off the cliff and move out ahead. I can't do this anymore.

I suppose it's time for a "sit down" with myself and plan out my strategy. I don't mean wake up one morning and do things 100% different because that is the key to failure in my life. I mean just figure out what small steps I can make to move me in the right direction.

It's time to LEAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am making a "wish" list. It's not a list for anyone but me...my dream wish list.

I wish my house was organized. I wish when I opened a drawer I saw everything neatly folded, in it's place. I wish all books were on a "book shelf", papers were in folders in a nice, tidy office. I wish clothes were washed and put a way, floors were always swept and mopped, bathroom emaculate, dinner made, boy in bed early every night after a bath, and I wish we had enough money to enjoy life and pay "Peter and Paul" without me working. I wish I could make the time to sew magical things, or crochet. I wish I could curl up with a book and enjoy it without knowing that I am neglecting the many other things that I need to do. I wish when people came to visit I didn't feel the need to "apologize" because things are in perfect order in my home. I wish when my family came to visit and I felt a sense of panic because I can't possibly get the house perfect like I want.

I wish I could have taught my children at a very young age to help more and to pick up after themselves. I feel like I really failed in that department because I just didn't want to "fight".

It's raining outside and if my surroundings where as I wish they were I could blog and not feel the pangs of guilt I feel right now because there are other things I need to be doing.

So I close "my wish" list for now. I am off to attempt to accomplish something before I go to work and then tomorrow the cycle begins again. Sigh....

A Lapse is NOT a Colapse

I was driving home the other day and this song came on my ipod. I got goose bumps as I listened though I have heard the song a hundred times before. I miss feeling the peace I once felt. I know it's not my Heavenly Father's fault...it's mine. He is there, always waiting for me to open my arms and reach for him. I need to start reaching for I know he never tires of waiting but I miss him and I am sure he has missed me.

Once upon a time....

there was a little girl who I held up on my knees while I gave her a bath with Mommy for the first time. It was just she and I and no one else seemed to matter. I was in awe of this dark haired, blue eyed newborn beauty who was staring back at me. I remember feeling so humbled that Heavenly Father had chosen me to be this perfect little person's Mom. Then it happened, she looked at me and she smiled. It wasn't one of those sleepy smiles that makes you wonder what they could be dreaming of. It was a smile for me...a recognition. She melted me that day and I knew beyond a doubt for the first time a kind of love I'd never known before. I knew that I would do anything for her, give everything to her, lay down my life for her. I knew in that single moment that I was a Mother and she was a gift that I had been in trusted with.

My little girl has grown in to an amazing young woman. Life with her has been a blast some moments, heart breaking at others. She has been my hero and there were times she fought to defend me when a little girl never should. She has been purple hair, banana suit, crazy dancing around the living room girl. She has been the girl who cried out to me because she felt different from others and struggled to find herself and friends that would love her. She has been messy rooms, and artistic and compassion fills her in abundance. She is a beauty who loves me to dress her up, fix her hair, put make up on her face. She trusts me and sends me back often to that first smile.

She was my first...my baby. I made mistakes and have said or done things that I regret. She has loved me and found ways to forgive me as I have struggled through this thing called "Motherhood" with her. Now she stands on the threshold of new adventures and growing up and I wonder where my little girl went. I love her and pray for her. I am so proud of her and know that she will go and take on the world with passion.

I am honored to be your Mom, Kelley. If there is one thing that I hope you know is that you are loved beyond what there are words to describe. I pray you will live your life to the crazy fullest. Follow your heart and DREAM BIG!!! Live your life with no regrets! If you make mistakes then get up, learn from them and move on. All that we do in life shapes us and gives us experience.

Remember what I have always told you, and that is I will always be here for you. I'd fight the devil himself to protect you kiddo and there is nothing that we can't handle. This is how it will always be...I'll always be here for you.

Congratulations my 2010 graduate. Big, Big things are waiting for you out there! Have a colorful, crazy life and paint it amazing!

I love you my Kelley "Belle"!

Mom

Greased Pigs! I swear they got me surrounded...

I think "greased pig" racing sums up my life. I chase them down...catch them, enjoy the victory and then BOOM! Those suckers slip right out of my hands just not wanting to be caught. I feel like I am tired of it, want to give up but someone has got to win...and is it going to be the PIG or me?

I still wrestle like crazy with my self image. It seems like not that long ago I was proud, and amazed that I weighed just what I weigh right now. I would have been thrilled to be here...where I am right now. However...I beat myself up severely because I got so far down that I feel such humiliation that I only stayed there for such a short time. PEOPLE KNOW I AM A FAILURE! All they have to do is see me now and they can see I have failed at the race I was winning. I try and I try and then try some more not to think in those terms. Those thoughts seem so vain and selfish but they are there and they nag me.

It is hard to walk amoungst those I love and feel like I have let them down. Sometimes I just want to shout to the heavens...."CAN'T I JUST BE ME???? PLEASE!!!!!"

My Own "Terabithia"

Today I woke and decided that I'd face the week head on. My weekend was fun with my parents here for a visit. I got to dress my daughter for a prom and she was a "stunner" and I attended my other daughter's piano recital where the music gave me chills. It was an all around great weekend. Of course it was "highlighted" by hamburgers, dip, chips, tacos and muffins and a beautiful coconut cream pie that I made. Suffice it to say I enjoyed myself.

It's a new day though...new week.

I got up this morning and stepped on the scale so I knew where I was starting off, got out my workout shorts and a trusty "T" and then laced up my shoes. After I played "taxi" I slipped away to my favorite walking place. This is "My Terabithia". I love this place. The smell of honeysuckle just filled my lungs, and the squirrels kept me on my toes as they made the pine straw move suddenly. The turtles were out getting their daily sun as the beams of light jetted through the trees. Every once in a while a leaf would sail down to the ground like a lost snow flake. I love walking through the arched canopies that are made by trees and vines that have bent over time. It is as if I am some sort of royalty in the forest and the red birds, and the blue jays are singing an anthem to me as I walk. I honestly started to cry a little. It was just a little. My heart was heavy for just a moment because I was saddened that I had robbed myself of these moments. I find peace in this. I find peace in trying hard to do what is best for me. I sat on a stump by the lake and said a prayer and thanked my Heavenly Father for the beauty that he has blessed me with in this earth. I also asked him forgiveness because lately I feel like "the little girl lost in the woods" and I have made A LOT of mistakes. The only thing I can do is "renew" and start again...one little step at a time but in the right direction.....towards good things.

Yep, gonna post two in one day...

I don't as a rule post twice in one day but I wanted to make a shout out to one of my friends!

I am so proud of Diane and wanted to tell her that I think she is doing an AWESOME JOB!

I am posting a picture of a lilly because she loves them. She knows what she has accomplished so I won't share ALL the goods but let's just suffice it to say she really rocks and I think she's wonderful!

Keep it up Ms. Diane! Your doing great!!!!!

Just thoughts...that's all....

Yesterday I was pondering...and I was thinking about one of my favorite blogs. I thought about how amazing it is and how I wish I had such gifts and talents and yada, yada,yada. I thought about other friends of mine and all the super things about them that I believe make them remarkable and how I wish I had bits and pieces of them. I found myself pushing "ME" way down on the "TOTEM" poll...like feet resting on my head shoving down, down,down. I was like "what in the heck!" I don't know why I do that. This blog I write is not for the masses or for the few friends of mine that may read it here and there, it is for me. So if it is not as amazing as I may find other blogs, then WHATEVER! I am plicking and plucking through something in my life right now that I find so incredibly difficult but so real. The journey to ME. (Where is my Space Odyssey Theme music when I need it) The story I write here...is MINE! The words...MINE. The thoughts....MINE! The "Totem" pole needs to have MY many different weird faces on it....at all stages of this race I run for my life.

So on to another crazy thought as I was trying to do some housecleaning A.D.D. style yesterday. Good Golly Miss Molly. It hit me as I had gone from hanging a few clothes in the closet to going straight in to the shower and started scrubbing randomly that it made no sense whatsoever what I was doing. I thought...I ought to make a video on "youtube" about this. No wonder it takes so freakin long to accomplish anything because I am here, there and EVERYWHERE....constantly. I am sure if any one where to sit and watch the method to my madness they would be completely confused because honestly there is no method...it's just complete madness...mwhahahahaha.... That is why those that love me....JUST LOVE ME!

Oh well...It's Friday and I have had an awesome week...down like 6 pounds even though I should not be keeping track of that but I am. My pants are still TOO tight but that will change soon. My daughter's prom is tomorrow and I am off this weekend and will enjoy being with my family.

Selfish Lady Sends.

Good Goobily Grape...

That seriously doesn't mean a darn thing but if it made ya look then Ha!Ha! Got ya! I can't believe that I started eating better on Monday and here it is mid Thursday and I feel so much better...like Sooooooooooooooo much better. I also don't really want to talk too much about weight but will let ya in on a little bitty secret...When I spied on my weight Monday...and then spied on my weight this morning...well there is more than a 5 pound difference already. That is kinda sad and kinda great all in the same thought. I know it's water weight but seriously don't care about it....it's a HUGE difference in a very few days just from being smart about my choices. I have A LOT more energy. ANOTHER thing I have noticed...when I wear my workout clothes, I feel like walking. If I dress like a slob you can only guess what I feel like. The word "slug" comes to my mind...

I think I have felt like a slug long enough.... Here's to no more "slugging" around...

Selfish Lady Sends....

Breakfast of a champion....

This is what one of my favorite breakfasts looks like. I am kicking myself because I have been missing out on all the fun of eating this way lately. I love to cook and I love to eat and this is one is so yummy. It's a whole wheat high fiber tortilla (Mission Plus) and then scramble egg whites with some sea salt and cracked pepper. I have about 1/4 of a small avocado sliced on there and then some home-made salsa! I confess...I literally drank the leftover juice off the plate...it was that good.

So after two good days I feel like I am on a bit of a "roll"...and eventually my "rolls" should go down some. I stepped on the scale just for some encouragement and we'll just say I got LOTS of encouragement in just two days. I am seriously just trying to get back to a point where I feel good in my skin and my clothes fit where I want them to. I am not shooting for some mystical weight or pie in the sky number. I just want to enjoy the great closet full of clothes I have and stay FAR away from the plus sized department. I do not want to creep back in that direction.
I just want to settle, nestle down in a nice, pleasant place where I feel comfortable about me. I feel a lot of shame again because it's obvious that I have gained weight and I cringe when I come around people who haven't seen me in a couple of months. It's like "Wonder Woman" lost her powers or something. Gack! I hate that and I have never wanted to be that or feel that way. I am trying to work through that because I feel like I am pushing people I love and care about away because of it.

Wooo Hooo!

I survived yesterday! I stepped on the scale became "painfully" aware of how much I have screwed up lately and I lived to tell about it! To top it all off...yesterday I loved myself enough to eat well, drink plenty of water and stay far away from the crap! I think that's pretty newsworthy! Don't you????? Here's to another good day!

Selfish Lady Sends....

The "pendulum" hath swung.........

and it "hath" gonged me right up side the head! Do you wanna know what I did today? I stood in the doorway of my bathroom and stared across it at the scale on the other side just sitting on the floor. It kinda reminded me of a spaghetti western and we were in the middle of town about to have a shoot out...just me...and that ol' dusty scale! I stepped a little closer...a little closer still...and before it could move, I held my breath, closed my eyes and I hopped on it to hold it down. I slowly opened one eye and looked straight ahead and realized that I was still alive. I was standing on the scale and I was still alive and breathing. This was a big thing! I opened the other eye and realized that I could indeed still see and the dizzying affects of standing on a lonely, dusty scale had only temporarily rendered me blind. Of course I knew what that meant for me...so I very gently let my chin fall south and sort of squeenched up my face so I wouldn't get the full on "vision" of that digital read out that was about pop out at me. I slowly relaxed and let it come in to view and well...there it was........DAMN! I might as well have been shot in a draw because OUCH! That just hurts! Here.......I am going to silently mutter all kinds of bad words

Alright I am done! I must say however I am so glad that I did it! I think one of my biggest faults lately has been NOT doing what I know I should be TO THE EXTREME TIMES PIE! (including some pie too! LOL) That includes not regularly getting on the scale and knowing where I stand.

So today's post is not full of promises or anything even though I have lots of grand schemes rolling around my heart and head. Today's post is just a REVELATION or a confession!

We will see what tomorrow brings.

Selfish Lady Sends...

Sugar...Sugar....ah...Honey...Honey.....

So I have "signed" up,"thrown my hat in", given the "big thumbs up"...for a challenge from some of my Coast Guard wife friends. It is a challenge to NOT consume any sugar for the next two weeks beginning Saturday, April 10th! Since I am the crazy mother who will be chaperoning a bunch of band kids from the wee hours of Saturday to Sunday on a band contest/amusement park trip...I have decided to start on Sunday. Start I shall though...

I believe I am going to use my blog each and every day just to record whatever the heck I want. My hope is that it'll help me get back on the track I have gotten so far off of.

Here's to me...and goodbye to the "white stuff".

Selfish Lady Sends.........

Mirror Mirror On The Wall....

Why do you have to be so honest? Why do I hate what I see staring back at me?

Ugg...I just don't have the profound rah!rah!rah! words right now. They are just gone from me. All those "I can do anything feelings" have escaped! Poof! Gone.

I find myself having a resentment for people who have weight loss surgery right now. How stupid is that? I am just being honest with myself though. I have never believed they have it easy. I have always believed that I would rather do what I have done than take the risks associated with WLS...BUT, and there is always a big BUT....they have a "tool of permanence" I call it. I think though I am no expert that it is much harder to undo WLS and eat around it than it is to gain weight without. Am I making any sense at all? I am just saying that it doesn't take much effort for someone who hasn't had WLS to gain but people who have probably have to work a little harder to gain. Maybe I am just talking out my ASS. Yes, I said ASS....sorry it's not a pretty word but I have warned before that I can be salty sometimes and I guess I am feeling extra seasoned right now. The collective few who even may read this will be happy to know that will be the extent of my naughty vocab. in this blog post.

So I am blogging today because I just need to and desperately trying to sort through how I feel. It is if I am waiting for something to "click" in me...the "switch" to go back on. For now...I guess the lights are on but nobodies home. Ha!Ha!

Blah, Blah,Blah....

Normally I would think these are very cute but since this is how I feel lately....I DON'T THINK IT'S CUTE AT ALL!

I think I am "THERE"....

I am at that place I don't want to be. You know the one? The one where you don't want your picture taken because it'll reveal what you already know. I don't want to see family because they'll take notice that I sure don't look like I did a couple of months ago. My sexiness....don't the toilet. My confidence...down the toilet! My ability to breathe in my life and feel like I OWN IT! Gone....my rhythm...my groove....CAPUT!!!!!!!! I feel like a total puffer fish! And I want to scream....a gut wrenching, internal scream that the universe can hear because I am sooooooooooo tired of this. I am a hamster on a wheel....that goes round and round and round.

I remember LONG ago there was a lady named "Susan Powter" or something similar and she used to scream..."Stop the Insanity"! That is where I am at.....this is completely insane and I have got to grab hold of the reins and STOP!

Screw the pictures of me, screw what everyone else sees....I have to think about ME!!!!! I have to remember that I am "The Selfish Lady" and it's all about me! Saving....ME!ME!ME!

I guess I just hate that there is no "end point"...it will always be a work in progress and I have got to get that through my head. I can't STOP!

I will be blogging more...it helped. It cleanses my head a little bit as does walking and sweating and feeling like I accomplished a little something. So I have done one good thing today and am about to tie my shoes and do another.

Selfish Lady Sends....

Have You Missed Me????????????

My husband said the other night to me..."well I guess you have given up on your blog" as he noticed I hadn't posted in a while. I am sure that he has noticed my curves and extra added softness lately too.

I haven't given up...I just have been in a funk and trying to figure out where in the world I want to be with all of this. I think I have been really tired...tired of it all, tired of trying, tired of worrying with it, tired of the obsession.

I have been searching for a balance in my head that I haven't found yet. In the mean time I have gained weight, and as I have gained I have found things about it that I like and things I don't. You live you whole life believing you are one thing and it gets ingrained in your head. I look in the mirror and this very moment see a person I somewhat recognise where as in the last 6 months there has been a girl that revealed herself that was foreign to me. I wasn't completely comfortable with that and unfortunately got scared away a bit by it. I am trying to find the "in between" place where I can love who I am and what I look like, be healthy and quit obsessing over all of this.

There are things that I did NOT like at my thinnest....I am sorry. Actually, I am NOT sorry but I will explain.
For those of you who have ever lost an excessive amount of weight you will understand this but others will not and I am okay with that. I don't think I LIKE the bones showing, the veins in my arms bulging, the skin on my neck hanging, my arms, my legs, etc. I DON"T LIKE IT! It's embarrassing to me. I don't like hearing it either and believe me when I run...even up the stairs...I could hear it and that is just humiliating. I didn't like feeling my shoulder bones poking out or the skin hanging off my ass like it was melting off me. I don't like it! The ONLY way to correct some of the things I didn't like is to surgically correct them and frankly right now...I am not "SELFISH" enough to go in to that kind of debt. I have gained weight...deliberately?...not necessarily unless it's just been an act of total rebellion. I just stepped off the curb a bit and got stuck in the traffic of my mind. I have an ass again which doesn't bother me...I think I look much better from behind. ha!ha! My neck looks normal now where before I felt like I was getting a "gobbler" and I want to wait 20 more years before I get my old lady "gobbler". I DON"T like the muffin top...and that I need to do something about AND I don't like not being able to wear all my super skinny clothes. So I am in search of a middle ground.

I think most of all I am tired of feeling like I will never be good enough for myself! I don't know how to fix that and losing weight has not fixed it. Somehow, somewhere there is something inside of me that refuses to believe that I am really okay the way I am deep down inside.

That is what this journey has been about and as you can see...right now I am faced with another detour. It's never over and I have said there is no "finish line". It just doesn't stop and so what I am searching for is just some satisfaction...the ability to say...and REALLY believe...I'm okay.

It's amazing beautiful outside today and so I will lace up my lucky shoes and walk, and walk and walk...just like I did in the very beginning.

Some continue to seek me out and say..."You are amazing....and such an inspiration" and I cringe because I don't think I have "succeeded". I found myself one day trying to say..."I can't do this anymore" but then it dawned me..."I can't STOP doing this". I have to try...I am not throwing my hands up!

One more thing...for your reading pleasure...this is the March issue...

http://www.healthandfitnessmag.com/magazine-sections/fitness-and-exercise/success-story

There is something about running in the rain...

It's cold and wet and the side walks are slick but it's amazing to be out in it. Perhaps it is because it's not "ideal" and that is just the point. There is no "ideal" time to do anything amazing or worth doing...you just have to jump out there and do it. Then when your in the thick of it you realize how miraculous it all is...

I love those moments.

Selfish Lady Sends....

My daughter...

went running/walking with me yesterday in the cold. She asked me if Dad was going to do the 1/2 marathon with me next year. I told her that he is supposed to and then she asked if he didn't, could she do it! I was thrilled. I told her that whether he does or doesn't, she definitely can do it! How awesome that will be not only to have my husband but one of my kiddos there next year!

So far, so good with the running/walking program. I am learning as I go but rather than do it for the timed splits, I use landmarks. I am going to run to here...then walk to here and so forth. For me it's too complicated to have a stop watch and be preoccupied with that. I do stretch out well before I go and also include that 5 minute brisk walk to warm up before I go.

Still loving my "Courage To Start" book. The more I read...the more I want to recommend it. This guy really speaks to me.

You know I have waffled a lot with the running vs. walking thing but this is something I really want to do. I want to do it because I have always told myself that I couldn't be a runner and I want to prove myself wrong. That is the absolute main reason why I am doing this...to push myself to a new limit and do something I believed I couldn't. I believe it's all about reaching forward now...new heights, ya know?

Selfish Lady Sends....

It's the little things that he does....

that just melt me! I know...I know...I brag but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. What is it that is so magical about turning around in the shower and watching a big heart appear on the door as the steam fills the air? Probably as magical as looking in my rear view mirror as I am driving down the road only to discover "I Love You" written in the dust on the back window for the whole world to see! I don't know how he does it...BUT HE DOES IT! He is kinda sneaky that way! I love those little, silly things he does to remind me that I am special and apparently still rock his world! :) I know he does mine.

Just wanted to share.

Selfish Lady Sends.

A book suggestion...

I bought this book on Amazon after a suggestion from a gentleman I met on an isle in Walmart. I was wearing a marathon training shirt and we struck up a conversation as he and his wife were both doing the marathon. When I told him that this year I was walking but wanted to learn to run as that is my goal for next year, he suggested this book.

I have barely gotten in to it but so far I really like it! It fascinates me that the author started "running" at the ripe ol' age of 43...the same as I am now. He has such a cool perspective and I am excited about getting further in to the meat and potatoes of the book.

I love what he says though...."The miracle isn't that I finished the race...the miracle is that I had the courage to start".

Selfish Lady Sends...

Couch to 5K...starts TODAY!

Yeppers, starting that program today. I am excited for the new challenge and the opportunity to push myself to do something new. I know it's going to be a struggle for me to hold back a little as this program insists you do but I'll deal with that.

Had a nice weekend. I honestly ate whatever the heck I wanted to...including some pineapple-cream cheese "King Cake" and it was yummy. No worries though. I am just moving along here.

I feel like I have so much to do this week as my house is like "tornado alley". So I need to get a grip on that because it is driving me crazy! Music helps me with that so after I pick up "Mr. Pickles" from school today I'll put on the tunes, and dance around the house while I work on seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I work tonight so gotta do while I can...oh yeah and fix a meal for the family to have while I am at work too.

Life is good and it's a beautiful day to get out and exercise! Out the door I go!

Selfish Lady Sends...

Here's a banana bread recipe for ya!

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Whole-Grain-Healthy-Banana-Bread/Detail.aspx

I sometimes add a 1/4 cup of whole flax seeds. The give it a nutty texture and then all the yummy goodness that flax seeds offer as well. It's a win!win!

I found the video of me crossing the finish...Yay!

http://houstonmarathon.finishcam.com/WatchMarathonFinishCam.aspx?Id=RDNSMA6qxsfEhhBTm29UatyGNj6Gis7B&Camera=1

Okay, time to move on to somethin...somethin...

Alright, so I met my goal for the marathon! It's time to work on other goals I have! I still am a little sore but don't want to let the grass grow under my feet. So I will get out this morning and do a couple of miles to stay loose! Next week I will start this... http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

Hubby and I have an anniversary next month and it's a big one. So I am hoping to be down 13 pounds by then. That would make me a very happy "slinky" self! (giggle)

Folks ask me what kind of things I eat. This morning I had 2 egg whites scrambled on a high fiber (5g) whole grain tortilla with some homemade salsa. It was yummy and keeps me satisfied for a good while. Lately for snack I have been eating a Light & Fit yogurt with 1/2 cup of frozen blackberries or raspberries, a little bit of Splenda (on the berries) and 1/4 of low fat, high fiber granola. I eat almonds and break up my two little squares of Hershey extra dark chocolate sometimes for a snack. Apples, bananas, grapefruit...I will have some piece of fruit and a cheese stick for another "snack". Lunch for me is usually a salad with grilled chicken and homemade dressing or I have a sandwich made with high fiber bread, lean meat and lots of different veg's on it. I also add things like smeared avocado rather than mayo, some olives and salad peppers. I also love a piece of baked or grilled chicken with Cajun seasoning and then a baked sweet potato for lunch. There is something about the two of those together (has to have the Cajun seasoning) that tastes really yummy to me. Dinner is tricky if I am working because I usually leave before what is considered dinner time...so I'll eat a bigger snack or some good soup and then at work around 7, I take my yogurt, fruit and granola but increase the 1/4 cup to a 1/2 cup. 5 small meals is what I shoot for each day.

If I am home for dinner I make different things but all as nutritionally lean and healthy as I can. If I make spaghetti I use ground turkey or venison. We eat Ronzoni "Smart Taste" pasta which cooks up white, is tender but high fiber. I don't eat much of it...maybe 1/2 a cup. I make sure I have salad on my plate to make up for the huge pile of pasta everyone else might be eating. I grill a lot or make things in the crock pot. I always trim away extra fat on pork loin or roast. We definitely eat more chicken/turkey than red meat. Chili is made with ground turkey and venison. I love to roast vegetables. Roasted asparagus with a little olive oil, kosher salt and black pepper is the bomb. I squirt fresh lemon juice on it before serving. I also love roasted brussel sprouts and so does my family. I do the same thing with the olive oil and cracked pepper and kosher salt. I roast them on 400 degrees for 15 or so minutes until the start browning. Those crackly little leaves are yummy. I don't use the lemon juice on brussel sprouts though.

I have a little garden in the back yard. Right now I just have brussel sprouts, cabbage and collard greens. Soon we'll start working on our spring garden. My herbs however have just been amazing. I used to have LOTS of fresh basil (until a very hard freeze) so I enjoyed making a lower fat pesto. It's great on chicken, pork and on pasta of course. I'd even add in fresh spinach. The herbs I use to make amazing marinades and rubs. I even make my own croutons when I want a carbohydrate for a salad. I chop up some 0f my favorite fresh herbs and put them in a zip bag with some kosher salt, and cracked pepper, may even some minced garlic. I add about 1 tsp. of olive oil. Then I will cube up a high fiber english muffin, or half a high fiber bagel throw it in the bag and work it until it is lightly coated in the oil/herb mixture. I put them on a sheet pan and then toast in the oven. These are awesome on a salad and because I use a high fiber product and have made them myself I know how many calories they are.

I experiment making breads using whole wheat, flax meal, ground oatmeal, etc. I have a great recipe for a whole wheat banana bread made with Splenda. Now...it's not like the real thing mind you but it's good and it's better for you. If I have that on hand I will toast a thin slice, smear it with low fat peanut butter, top with slice bananas and then drizzle it with sugar free syrup. That is really good!

You can tell...I love to cook! So I do what I do so that I can still enjoy cooking but find better ways of doing it. Just about ANYTHING can be reworked to make it healthier. The taste might be slightly different but in many ways I find it better. Doing all of this is what has helped me accomplish my goals. I try to make it as normal as possible.

The other thing is WATER! WATER!WATER! Water helps the cells move a lot of the junk they are getting rid of out of the body. Keeping the bodies cells hydrated is really important. Diet soft drinks do NOT replace water and they are actually dehydrating. Yep...I have a diet Dr. Pepper but make sure I have plenty of water throughout the day to offset that.

In a conversation I had with someone recently it felt like I was sitting in a confessional. They were rattling off all the excuses as to why they "CAN'T" or haven't done anything serious about their weight. I think they must forget that I have "sat in that chair" myself. When they kept saying "I know I am just making excuses" I should have opened up my mouth and said what I was really thinking. "At what point are you going to stop making excuses and start living the life you deserve?" Seriously...it comes down to that for me...I can either spin in circles and do nothing an go nowhere or I can just do it! Once you realise what you have been missing out on...you want more. This summer when I finally had the nerve to learn to drive that 4 wheeler at the in laws...I was pumped. That was fun! I never did it before because I thought I'd be a ridiculous fat girl jiggling around on it. So many things...and it makes me kind of sad because I could have been enjoying so much more with my kids had I not done something sooner. However...I can't change the past. I direct my future though and set my course. NO EXCUSES! They are just not going to bring any kind of satisfaction and joy.

Alrighty...I have to get my feet on the ground and walk a ways this morning!

Selfish Lady Sends...

Here's Pictures....

This picture was taken at the start line. An awesome stranger came to me and told me how awesome it was what I'd accomplished. Then she asked if I was doing this alone. I told her I was and then she said..."give me your camera! I'll take your picture!" I am so happy she did because this one totally shows how happy I was. My nose is red not because of the cold but rather because of my crying spell. :)

I just don't even know where to begin....

I did it! I put that goal out in front of me and I reached it! I feel unbelievably blessed and amazed.

I had a tough time sleeping last night but probably got 4-5 hours. When I got up I ate my breakfast and showered and then waited patiently for the clock to strike so my sweetheart could get me to a friends home. I rode down with a buddy from church who had reserved a parking spot in a downtown garage. He is an inspiration as he had lost 65 pounds over the last year and he ran the full Marathon.

I had all kinds of butterflies this morning but when I got to the place to line up for the start...the tears started to come. It was so exciting to be there in this huge sea of people in anticipation of the cannon and the signal to start. I knew they all had their different reasons for being there and I felt like such a champion to be among them. When they counted down and the gun went off...I don't know if my feet were on the ground. Then I had so many runners come by and pat me on the back or give me a thumbs up, or tell me congratulations! That made the moments so much more poignant.

This was truly one of the funnest things I have ever done. It was a challenge but that didn't come close to the pure fun that I was having. I ran some, walked some, and waved at the crowds who lined the streets cheering us on. It was so cool as these complete strangers reached out for a high five or would call out my name as I passed by reading it off my bib. "Come on Amy Lee...your looking good!" "Yay Amy Lee...you are almost there".

I had a great pace the whole time and finished in 3 hours 6 minutes. I had to take a 5 minute break to use the "port o potty" so I would have been there a little sooner. When you gotta go though...you gotta go :)

I decided as the finish line came into my view that I wanted to run that last mile...I think that's when the tears, almost sobs began for the final lap. So I sailed down that last mile and came to the finish line as they called out my name! I DID IT!

I couldn't have done this a year ago and everything I have put in to loving myself and working hard was worth the many moments I had today. That finish line is my starting line to infinite possibilities. I'll do it again for sure. I'll do many things now that I never dreamed I could.

I am sore, I am exhausted and I am filled with pride! I reached my Mt. Everest and I can see forever from here.

So now..I keep working on me. I still have more weight I want to lose and will be working on that. I am going to start running and so running a 5K in the next 3 months or so will be my next goal. After I run a 5K then I will actually run a half marathon.

There's no stopping me now...

Good Night All...

Selfish Lady Sends

Off to bed I go....

That is after a hot bath of course. I feel full...too full and that is yucking me out a bit. I am not big on the carb loading stuff! I made red beans and brown rice for dinner. It was yummy but again...it's laying in my stomach so it might be hard to drift off for a while.

Of course I won't post again until after the race tomorrow. My clothes are layed out, alarm is set, and my prayers need to be said...lots of them.

I have gotten emails and messages of luck and they absolutely lift me up! Tomorrow is going to be a multitude of emotions for me. Words will fail me this time so I'll leave it at that!

Much Love to ALL and goodnight!

THIS Selfish Lady Sends.....

Here's a couple of pics from today! :)

Here's a picture of the finish line! I should be hitting that somewhere around 10:30 AM tomorrow!

This is the finisher shirt on the mannequin that we'll get when we cross the finish. A medal is given as well! :) And my bib with my name and my lucky number...33083! I just decided it was lucky!

Lastly...I am a big enough nerd to show my funky toes! I got the butterfly to make me extra light on my feet. LOL

So I think I have it all ready for tomorrow. I changed my ipod to a "My Marathon" play list only. I was telling my daughter that I have certain songs on there that will forever remind me of those days on the treadmill back last winter when they pushed me through hard moments. I remember dancing literally...well kind of on the treadmill to Lady Gaga's "Just Dance". I only did that of course when no one else was in our little gym. I bet you didn't know you can really get down and bust a move on a treadmill did you? I am living proof! It's probably a good thing I didn't fly off and go through the wall. I always feared that might happen like a bad movie. Other songs just hit my soul and others remind me of Kent and Kelley and Katie and Logan and my little Jellybean Justin. I carry them in my heart as I do this tomorrow. I love them all so much and they have helped me through so much by cheering me on...being interested in how I was doing and watching for that "magic number" to change daily on the dry erase board. Logan has this fun way of wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me and telling me how much he loves his new skinny Mom. They have all been amazing! Justin was looking on here the other day and saw my before and after pictures and wanted to know when "I got little". Any COLDPLAY songs that pop up on my ipod remind me of my special night out with the girls to see them in concert. I had a blast and am so grateful that I felt comfortable enough in my own skin finally to really enjoy myself with them.

They all will be with me tomorrow every step I take! I did this for me but I did it for them. I want to be here a really long time to live, laugh and love with them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHAEoSsr4lw&NR=1&feature=fvwp

I wonder how many times I post today.

I guess that will depend how badly I want to wrestle the four year old away from Nick Jr. com, huh?

I am impatiently waiting for my husband to get out of the shower so we can go downtown to the Health and Fitness Expo where I will pick up my packet/bib! I have butterflies like crazy this morning. Uggg. I think it's going to become even more real when we get down there today and I set the finish line already set up and have that bib with my name and number on it in hand. WOW

Last night I came out to my car after work only to discover a dozen roses and a card waiting for me from my husband! Can I just say...the guy melts me! He just wanted to remind me how much he loves me and how proud he is of me. Once again...I am such a lucky girl!

Today is my last day to carb load. I had a bowl of high fiber oatmeal, with a tablespoon of flax meal and 1/2 cup of Kashi granola on it. I washed it down with a glass of lowfat milk and a banana. It was probably 400 calories and I don't ever eat that much at one sitting usually unless it's dinner but today...I'll make an exception. Last time I walked 13 miles I burned way more than 1000 calories so pretty much anything I eat today will get burned off tomorrow. I still will eat my same ol' healthier stuff today but with more carbs than I am used to eating along with even more water. Whatever I do nutrition and hydration wise today will set the stage for me in the morning.

I hear him coming...yay! Out the door we go.

I have been thinking....

and that's always dangerous in Amy's world. I have been thinking about the pictures I have over the years of my children strategically planted in front of me to hide my fat self. I am one who ran from the camera, held up my hand to hide my face because of my shame. Now, I don't hide at all and that amazes me. I finally love who I am. The different body is great but I LOVE WHO I HAVE BECOME...way beyond the physical appearance. I think you can love yourself at any size. I think it's just the fact that I finally believe in myself and that is what I see when I look at pictures of me now. I see a girl who is confident and has so much more faith in herself that she ever did before.

With all my heart I believe that we all have it in us...ALL OF US! You just have to hang on for dear life sometimes and become "selfish" about saving it!

Off to work I go...(in a Deli of all places!)

Selfish Lady Sends..........

The temperature is rising for Sunday....

I had it all figured out what I was going to wear based on a cooler start. Now the trend for the weather on Sunday is rising temps. I hate being cold but don't want to be miserably hot as I warm up and so does the temperature. Hmmmmmmmmm....I may have to re-think this.

I bought an inexpensive digital camera yesterday so I can get lots of shots of all the fun. I am so excited! Seriously over the top excited! Did I mention how excited I am? LOL

Tomorrow we go to pick up my packet that will contain my "bib" in it! Goose bumps! Seriously! :)

2 days now and a wake up! Yahooooooooooooooo

Selfish Lady Sends....

Here's a peek at my shirt!

This is what I want to hear as I cross that finish line...

I've been waiting for my dreams

To turn into something

I could believe in

And looking for that magic rainbow

On the horizon

I couldn't see it until I let go

Gave into love

And watched all the bitterness burn

Now I'm coming alive

Body and Soul

And feelin' my world start to turn



And I'll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time

To be more than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life



Holding on to things that vanished

Into the air

Left me in pieces

But now I'm rising from the ashes

Finding my wings

And all that I needed was there all along

Within my reach

As close at the beat of my heart



And I'll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time to be

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

The time of my life



And I'm out on the edge of forever

Ready to run

Keeping my feet on the ground

Arms open wide,

Face to the sun



And I'll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time to be

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time,

This is the time of my life, my life

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd



I know this is the time,

This is the time of my life,

This is the time of my life,

The time of my life....



Time of my life.

Wanna know what I did today?????

Made myself a fleece headband and some mittens.I have been unable to find any I guess no one thinks it's cold here in Houston. It was only 22 this morning. They were cheap to make not too terribly unfashionable and I can toss them along my way Sunday if I get too hot and don't need them anymore. I went and bought a white long sleeve shirt to wear under my race shirt and also got a compact belt to carry my shot blocks and gel for the race. I want to have something handy if my energy starts to wain. I think I am all set. I even got a copy via email of the logo going on my t-shirt! I wish I could post it on here but darn adobe won't let me. I will post a picture of it when I pick it up...hopefully tomorrow!

Man...just getting giddier (?sp) as the days go by. I even sat here and watched other folks video footage on YouTube of last years marathon/half marathon to get an idea of what I am looking at. I was happy to see that there are indeed walkers and folks of all shapes and sizes!

Yep! It's getting harder by the day to contain my excitement! Someone hold my feet to the ground! Please!

A week from today....

I will be recovering! Woo Hoo!

I seriously feel like I did when I was a little girl the night before Christmas. I didn't imagine I would have all the excitement, butterflies and energy of heart that I have about this! I was talking to a friend today with whom I'll be riding downtown with to the starting line. Just talking about the logistics of that morning gave me chills. It's becoming very real to me.

I don't think I can put in to words the intense feelings I have about this. It is so hard to explain but for most of my life I have thought in terms of "them" and "me". I looked at the group of people who worked hard to accomplish things like this and set myself aside and said "that will never be me". I thought I couldn't do this, I have thought I couldn't do a lot of things. So now I am just so overwhelmed with emotions and pride and gratitude to a very loving family, and Father in Heaven who have lifted me up and beyond my inabilities. I have on my play list the Whitney Houston song..."I Didn't Know My Own Strength" and when I am walking for miles and it comes on...it washes over me. I didn't know I had it in me but it was there all along. I am so glad I found it. It has never been about being a size 8, or wanting to be as "thin as my high school days" because frankly now I am smaller. It has been about discovering me and changing me for the better. It's about climbing mountains, or moving them or doing whatever I set my heart on because nothing is impossible. Nothing is impossible for me or for anyone else. HARD....oh HELL YES! Impossible....no.

So I walk just a few miles a day in preparation for the Half Marathon and it gives me time to think about "what's next." I said I am the golden scissors as the ribbon cutting ceremony and the finish line next Sunday is just the "grand opening" to my possibilities. I have decided to do the couch to 5K next. Now I haven't been on the couch by any means but I don't run and waffle back and forth on that. I'd like to try this program and start running and then choose a 5K to run. Next year I plan to run, not walk the Houston Aramco Half Marathon. I may even find another half to do before then. Maybe if I am ready I can hit my cousin up and do one with her in the early fall. (Clare if your reading this! wink!wink!)

Thank you a thousand times over to all my dear friends who pop in and read my random thoughts. I love all of you and appreciate the support be it silent or written. Please keep a little prayer in your heart for me next Sunday that all will go well and pray that I won't flood the streets of Houston with tears of JOY!

A countdown begins.....

Until race day....January 17Th and I am siked! I got my confirmation email yesterday with my bib number and I got all teary eyed! It's becoming very real to me! Even as I type this I giggle and then get teary eyed! I am going to do this! Wow! I just never dreamed!

I tie dyed a shirt yesterday. It's peacock pink and sunflower yellow and this morning I dropped it off at a graphics place. I am having it fixed up for my race. The front of the shirt will read...."Half Marathon Virgin". The back of the shirt will read...."1 year ago and over 100 lbs. I never dreamed I'd have THIS moment..." It made me teary getting that all taken care of. I fear I may cry the entire marathon...what a site that will be!

Lately I have been playing catch up...with my walks and in my eating, etc. These two weeks leading up to the race are critical that I am ready, rested and have fed myself well. Next week I'll have to work on loading up on more carbs so that I have plenty of energy. I have my concerns about exactly what I should eat on the morning of... but I'll figure all that out. I don't like drinking too much because that makes me have to go to the bathroom and that is distracting. I know they'll have stations along the way where I can grab water or Gatorade if I need it. I hope it's not freezing cold...40's...please...that would be nice.

I was asked to write an article for a health and fitness magazine. It's supposed to be in the Feb. issue. I had my reservations about doing it because I don't consider myself a "buff" girl or having perfected my body. I said yes, then no, then agreed to do it but gave them the option not to use the article. So we'll see. It was a struggle to write because it had to be about 600 words and I am NOT the queen of "short on words". ha!ha! I left many of the details out.

What a huge struggle this has been...continues to be...but I am in it 100% no matter my mess ups, gains, losses, stumbles. I am committed to living a happy life and enjoying the amazing changes that have come as a result of all this hard work I have done.

Selfish Lady Sends....

Oh what fun...