Tears On A Treadmill

I think I might write a country song....I got tears on a treadmill....and I am crying for me......because my calves are burning....my thighs are shaking and this is so hard you seeeeeeeee.............
Do you think I'd win a Grammy? Probably not. Oh well....

I did have tears on the treadmill today...I feel overwhelmed. I felt a lot of fear while I was walking and wouldn't you know they show a "Biggest Loser" commercial while I am walking there with my eyes blurred. I was hoping that no was going to walk in on me. I have to cut back on my medicine that I take for depression and that worries me. Because of whatever it is that is going on with my liver they are taking me off all medication and cutting me back to half of my regular dose. I guess the blood the drew Thursday night was even higher than what they drew on Wednesday. I have a liver ultrasound Thursday morning and an MRI for my neck. So now no pain meds for the neck and half the other.

So I was walking on the treadmill sort of taking things in as I do..and felt so overwhelmed. I know I can do this...it's not my depression medicine that makes it possible but it makes me worry. I have to talk to self..."Self....you have this in you...YOU are capable of dealing with this...without all the medicine" to handle the mood swings. I am bi-polar so what I take helps keep me on an even keel and I have been doing really well with in and I don't want to go in reverse now. (see, tears again. okay, you can't see so I type that so you know) This is when I feel very vulnerable and this is what it is all about. I have to be able to get through the vulnerability and be strong. This is what the FEAR is all about.

I found myself in tears again while driving to the Physical Therapy place. I was thinking about my son. He is struggling with some things and he gets really angry and doesn't handle it well. I thought of the times that I have felt so angry, rage anger in my life and I felt so guilty. I feel bad because I feel blame because he has my genes and perhaps my bipolarness ( that's not a word, I made it up)....and has felt the brunt of my mood swings in his young life at times. I wish I could do undo some of the things I have said to him or my reactions to some of the things he has done. I just didn't set a very good example and now I see him have such a hard time and I want to save him...help him...rescue him. I love him so very much. He is a tender hearted kid who is quirky and different but who is also magical and silly and truly amazing. I need to love him more. I feel guilt about that...I don't show him enough love.

This time in my life is not only about changing my physical body but it's about healing my soul, my heart and my head. It's about fixing records that have had the needle stuck in the same spot and have been playing the same tune over and over and over again. I am learning to find new records. I am also having to once and for all forgive myself and let go of my mistakes.... because if I don't....they will be repeated. I have to remember to say..."oh yeah, I did that...I screwed up...what's done is done...I am so sorry that happened and I will do all I can to make sure it never happens again...now let's move on." That is what I need to work on.....that is what I will make an effort to do.