Tomorrow I am on my way....Going to Cali!

I am so excited....but of course...I have apprehensions and I hate that. Anytime I am separated from my family my fear creeps in and it drives me batty. I try to shoo it away but it's there. You know the "what ifs..." I just remind myself over and over that I'll be fine...they'll be fine....and it's going to be a great trip. I love them dearly and will miss them for the short weekend away but looking forward to the "Mama's Gone Wild" weekend as my dear friend Terry is calling it. Can't be too wild if it involves me....(giggle!) I'll behave, eat well, walk plenty and come back ready to tackle more of my goals. I'll be back with pictures and tales to tell I am sure!

2 Days and a Wake Up!

Until my trip to Cali! I am soooooooooooper excited! This is the first time that I have ever done something like this. I am taking time out...(not just a couple of hours without kids) to relax and enjoy friendship and visit a place that is beautiful. I love my family...I adore them but sometimes....you gotta get "in tune" with yourself and be SELFISH....and in reality it's not selfish at all because it helps make one a better person! It's kind of that UNWIND time! I need it! I am glad my hubs is willing to stay behind and be Mr. Mom for the weekend and put up with the antics while I go. He was funny because he said that someone will for sure come down with Chicken Pox or be in the E.R. sick or something...never fails. I told him he can handle it...He can. I love that man.......he's the best! There are things about California I just love....the way the air feels....I love coming out of the Caldecott Tunnel and it's a completely different climate on the other side....like it can be foggy on one side but sunny on the other. You drive around the corner and BOOM, there is the San Francisco Bay with the Golden Gate in the distance. I love the Farmer's Markets, and Trader Joe's stores which have all kinds of yummy, healthy food. The hills and Mountains in the distance, the people who walk or bike all over....I really like that. I get a kick out of driving along with the BART racing beside me...wondering who will get there first and watching the people through the windows...wondering what their story is. I love San Francisco and feeling like I am NOT a tourist and it's not a scary, unapproachable place. Now that I have driven in San Francisco I feel like I can take on most any city....If you can survive trolleys, buses, and crazy cab drivers....You can survive driving anywhere. I am truly looking forward to sitting in the house of my dear friend and just hanging out with her. I am also looking forward to totally surprising the heck out of another friend who has no idea I am going to be in town. She doesn't read my blog...don't think she even knows about it. I am going to just show up on her door step...and call her! Can't wait to see her face...that will be priceless! Gonna be a fun time!

I went to Old Navy to find another pair of jeans as I am down to one pair...rest are too big. I found a pair that fit but I didn't LOVE them. So I passed. I am not going to pay for jeans to wear for a month or less that I don't LOVE. (giggle!) It's hard to find them that have a zipper that is more than 2 inches tall....There are some scary pants out there....especially now that I am actually starting to shop the "regular" racks! Hallelujah!

I got on the scale this morning. 51.6 off. It was a little slow there for a week or two but it's picking back up. I know I will get plenty of exercise around the house today in addition to the gym or a long walk because it's house cleaning day . I have to get things in before I leave just so I can wag my finger and say...."it better be this way when I get back". hahahahaha. Nah, I don't care.....I hope they have fun and enjoy each other. I have many a list to make today so I will get to my "doin's"!

50.....50....50......And My Clothes Keep Growing!

Yeah, you read it right...it says 50, the big 5 - 0 , as in 50 pounds....like a gigantimo size of dog food, or 50 pound sack of potatoes, or 50 pounds of peanut M&M's (now I am dreaming!). ha!ha! I did it! As sponge bob would say....."I diddy iddy id it!" But now this weird thing is happening. My clothes are growing....yeah....like everytime I wash and dry them and put them on they keep getting bigger and bigger. It's the strangest thing. Today when I was getting ready for church I was in the closet and in the past I have always had the mountain of outfits on my bed that I tried on...that were too tight. Today....seemed like it was all too big. What a problem to have, huh? No complaints though. It does pose a dilema though because when I buy things they don't fit for long. I bought a pair of jeans right before my nieces shower Feb. 7th, and now those are too big...let's see that's all of 2 weeks of wear? I have checked out Goodwill but not feeling the 1980's classic high waisted Mom jeans. http://www.hulu.com/watch/10333/saturday-night-live-mom-jeans Hopefully I can figure something out so I don't have to wear sacks. Hey, I am going to start eyeballing my husbands clothes pretty soon. He may not like it if he catches me in his Levi's....awe, he'd just be proud! What am I saying...he is proud!

Like Fine Wine...It Gets Better With Age

I don't drink wine but that's what I hear. I am referring to my life with my sweet husband. We celebrated our anniversary yesterday and I am still amazed. I am very thankful to have him. I told him last night that I am so grateful "he found me" to which he was silly and said..."I just didn't know I had lost you." It gets better every day and I feel very blessed. We have been through a lot and our family has changed, and we have moved all over and we wouldn't change a thing. He makes my heart skip a beat still and I love that. I love that a phone call or a word, or even just a look and he still "melts me."

Katiebug was our "hired" babysitter and Kent and I went to the Woodlands where we had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. I had blackened Mahi Mahi with steamed broccoli and asparagus. For dessert we shared a piece of their low carb cheese cake made with Splenda and served with fresh strawberries. We walked around the mall and then through the book store and checked out some of the crazy books they have there. It was so much fun and we really enjoyed the alone time. It was also nice to come home to a quiet house with Justin sound asleep in his bed. (Good Job Katie!)

And just in case your wondering....my number is 47.6 now. I think I'll meet my 50 goal by next Thursday when I leave for my trip.

A New "Do"

Check out my new "Do"! Almost all the "color in a box" is gone and pretty soon it's all me baby!

Yesterday just felt plain weird!

So I went to get my MRI and Ultrasound. I have to say that I was NOT at all worried about it. Not the least wound up. I get there and they have me get on the table for the MRI and the guy covers me in a blanket and then puts my head in this "cage". Once my head is sort of locked in place where it won't move he tells me it won't take long about 20 minutes...and then shoot me back in the "tube" and I get in there with my eyes closed...and I get to thinking...and thinking...and thinking...20 minutes...20 minutes...20 minutes.."that's...a long time." ...."I know what 20 minutes can feel on the treadmill when your really tired and want to quit"...."I wonder what it looks like in here?"..."Don't open your eyes...but I want to open my eyes...but don't open your eyes" and then I did it! I freaked out..."I can't do this! Get me out!" I don't think I was in there 1 minute... I wanted to ball like a baby! I felt so stupid. I could just feel the anxiety in me mounting. My day felt screwed from there and all out of whack! I forgot things...missed other appointments...just was a mess and never got on track. Last night Kent and I went to the gym and I needed that. I was tired and didn't feel like going but as always was glad I did because it always helps me focus. I also love watching him in front of me on the treadmill.

So tomorrow I will try again with the MRI. This time I will have a "happy pill" to help me stay calm. I am also taking a mask...the type you use for sleep. Perhaps I will spray it down with my lavender/chamomile spray. Kent has to drive me there and bring me home. Hopefully the pill will do the trick and I can get in and out of there without incident. Thank goodness I had no problems with the ultrasound and the results were normal.

45 pounds today. Yippee!

Tomorrow if Valentines. I went today and got the kids their Valentines and got Kent a card and some candy the other day. I told him just to write me a note. I don't need candy or flowers and don't want him to feel like I expect that because I don't. I love nothing more than his own words from the heart so that is what I hope I get for the big V-Day. I'll keep you posted!

I don't like Plateaus!

I know they are to be expected but I DON'T like them. I haven't changed anything....just sitting at the same number for a couple of days...but that's okay...My body is adjusting I am sure.

Off to have an MRI this morning and liver ultrasound! Wish me luck!

Whoot! Down with you Elliptical! Your MINE!

I was having a bad..."I don't feel like going to the gym day!" Those are the days I have to really go because I refuse to be defeated. I decided to try once again the elliptical. No one was in there so I thought..."why not?" I did 30 minutes on that sucker on the "weight loss" setting and then got off there and did 20 more minutes on the treadmill. I am glad I went! Days like this are good!

Tears On A Treadmill

I think I might write a country song....I got tears on a treadmill....and I am crying for me......because my calves are burning....my thighs are shaking and this is so hard you seeeeeeeee.............
Do you think I'd win a Grammy? Probably not. Oh well....

I did have tears on the treadmill today...I feel overwhelmed. I felt a lot of fear while I was walking and wouldn't you know they show a "Biggest Loser" commercial while I am walking there with my eyes blurred. I was hoping that no was going to walk in on me. I have to cut back on my medicine that I take for depression and that worries me. Because of whatever it is that is going on with my liver they are taking me off all medication and cutting me back to half of my regular dose. I guess the blood the drew Thursday night was even higher than what they drew on Wednesday. I have a liver ultrasound Thursday morning and an MRI for my neck. So now no pain meds for the neck and half the other.

So I was walking on the treadmill sort of taking things in as I do..and felt so overwhelmed. I know I can do this...it's not my depression medicine that makes it possible but it makes me worry. I have to talk to self..."Self....you have this in you...YOU are capable of dealing with this...without all the medicine" to handle the mood swings. I am bi-polar so what I take helps keep me on an even keel and I have been doing really well with in and I don't want to go in reverse now. (see, tears again. okay, you can't see so I type that so you know) This is when I feel very vulnerable and this is what it is all about. I have to be able to get through the vulnerability and be strong. This is what the FEAR is all about.

I found myself in tears again while driving to the Physical Therapy place. I was thinking about my son. He is struggling with some things and he gets really angry and doesn't handle it well. I thought of the times that I have felt so angry, rage anger in my life and I felt so guilty. I feel bad because I feel blame because he has my genes and perhaps my bipolarness ( that's not a word, I made it up)....and has felt the brunt of my mood swings in his young life at times. I wish I could do undo some of the things I have said to him or my reactions to some of the things he has done. I just didn't set a very good example and now I see him have such a hard time and I want to save him...help him...rescue him. I love him so very much. He is a tender hearted kid who is quirky and different but who is also magical and silly and truly amazing. I need to love him more. I feel guilt about that...I don't show him enough love.

This time in my life is not only about changing my physical body but it's about healing my soul, my heart and my head. It's about fixing records that have had the needle stuck in the same spot and have been playing the same tune over and over and over again. I am learning to find new records. I am also having to once and for all forgive myself and let go of my mistakes.... because if I don't....they will be repeated. I have to remember to say..."oh yeah, I did that...I screwed up...what's done is done...I am so sorry that happened and I will do all I can to make sure it never happens again...now let's move on." That is what I need to work on.....that is what I will make an effort to do.

I think I have a new mission

My new mission is to figure out how to raise my HDL

I never thought I had to think about such things. I was told that the Niacin cardilogist wants me to take is hard on the liver. Since my liver enzymes are out of wack from the neck meds, I will have to call my other Dr. and find out what I should do if I should even take the Niacin. Anyway...I have been reading up and looking for other ways.

Exercise...got that one covered though...I think I can still get more aroebic, keep the heart rate up for longer.

Fiber...get PLENTY of that.

Alcohol...says that is good in moderation but it ain't happenin!

Fish Oil...I may try that.

Stop Smoking...Well, I would have to start to stop...and since I don't Smoke...well, you know what I mean.

I was suprised to learn that the HDL can actually pose a bigger threat in heart disease than the bad LDL. Not have enough good cholesterol can be worse that having too much bad. Go figure.

Something that wasn't a common item on all the different sites I went to that I know will help me out so much is prayer. I need to pray more. I called my Dad Friday and very tearfully asked him to help Kent give me a blessing on Saturday when they came up. I know I am doing all of this work but the one thing I have not being doing enough off is leaning more on the Lord. I realize I am only able to do what I can because of my faith but I need to show more humility and offer more prayer...especially when I feel so discouraged. I know I am won't find the answers, comfort and strength I need anywhere else. So...that is definitely on my list!

Do you ever wish you could help someone get it?

I wish I could. I really do. I cannot say that I am there. I am a work in progress. I was talking to someone I love the other day and well, just wanted to seriously smack them. If they read this and I don't know if they do, forgive me. I could be the one sitting in the chair facing me if that makes any sense. I could be the one I am talking about though I am not. I am the one I used to talk about. I am the one who used to make one excuse after another as to why I would not change....but then there comes this point and I suppose everyone has to find the POINT all on there own but it's hard when you see the ones you love and care about. I am thankful I love and care about myself now. One can either wait until it's too late and you can't take it back....and your gone forever and your family is left to wonder why food and sitting around was more important that making an effort for them OR....you can wake up....put your feet on the floor and say....TODAY is going to be different than yesterday was. It may not be the day I do an hour on the treadmill or eat 1,400 calories but TODAY I am going to make choices that are steps in the right direction. Do any of us really realise how important WE are? Time to be selfish! I am so happy that I am finally starting to see things in me I honestly like. FINALLY! Wow! Where was this person years ago? I like looking in the mirror even and I go WOW, look at me. I am changing! I can't get over how much I am changing. Now I wish my stomach was NOT the same size as my ASS but hey, give me time! hahahahaha. At least the back side of me is MUCH smaller.

I am not brave enough to write some of the deeply personal things that have taken place in my life that have humiliated me to this point though. Being fat is miserable. There is that word.. F.A.T.but it is awful and there are physical things that occur that are just embarrassing and NOT okay. I see other people and I am not judging them but I know what they are going through because I have walked a couple of miles in those shoes....I know how hard it is. I can't imagine for those larger than I have been. We all have to start somewhere. I keep telling myself that when I don't feel like going....So I AM THE BUNNY THAT KEEPS ON GOING!

44.2 today.....

I hope 50 by the time I go on my trip to Cali on the 26th...that'll be a nice number to take on my vacation. Yep, going on a vacation to visit some friends...just me, myself and I! I am taking an extra suitcase so I can go to my favorite stores and buy lots of high fiber cereal and junk like that. I know...weirdo here! Hey, it's California! They have great healthy stuff there! My favorite stores are there, like Trader Joes! I miss TJ's!

Just Pure Frustration Today!

I know things could be so much worse...and I guess in reality they aren't really that bad. I am just frustrated. I am tired of Dr.'s. I am tired of appointments...I am tired of one thing after another...seriously. I am working really hard at changing my life and getting healthy and it just doesn't seem that simple.

So why today am I frustrated? Well, probably began yesterday. I got the kids off school bus and walked in the door only to have a call from Dr.'s office. "We got your lab work back from day before..Dr. wants you to come in NOW so she can go over results." I was like..."NOW?" I have kids and this and that..."well...bring the kids with you...we don't mind kids..." So I kid gets situated and run over there worried...thinking...what in the heck tests did they run? Turns out my liver is not liking the Naproxen and Darvocet...so I am all but NOT to take it. So that leaves me in LOTS of pain. I have these Lidoderm patches that give me some relief but not so much...so I hurt....That's frustration #1... oh yeah...I had to give more blood...and have to go back next week...and make appointment with specialist...so that means yet another Dr. AND go to physical therapy which means having to ask someone to watch Justin for a couple of hours for 3 days next week which I hate doing. (fortunately someone from church is helping me out with that)

THEN, today...I get a call from Cardiologist....They say....well, we got your labs back...and Good girl.....you brought your Cholesterol down in 2 1/2 months from 214 to 166, Triglycerides from 171 to 95 BUT.................................... your BAD cholesterol is still much higher than the good so now you get to take baby aspirin and Niacin that Dr. is prescribing before bed every night. Yeah, I know it's that big a deal BUT I don't like taking medicine in the first place...I already take one medication on a regular basis...and I don't like the fact that now I have to take more....especially when I have been literally working my ASS off to do all of this so I wouldn't have to do anything like this.

It just makes me really sad....I am so grateful that I am healthier but sick of the snowball effect with Dr.'s and crap like that.

Oh yeah...and my new number is 42.8 pounds down since Dec. 1st. Go me...

I Broke 40! Yee Haw!

41.4 to be exact! I am thrilled!

February is an interesting month for me. This is the month at contains Valentine's, My Birthday and My Anniversary. No boxes of chocolates for me this month. Kent and I will go out to combine V-day and Anniversary together on the 19th. I think we'll go to the Cheesecake Factory in the Woodlands. I noticed they have some Weight Management Salads that look devine and they even have a cheesecake made with Splenda that we could share a piece of...I might have a taste of it. Yeah, even on special occasions...I am still in this...100%. I looked over the Cheesecake Factory menu and they have so many possible options, even grilled seafood so it's a choice. The Woodlands Mall has an outdoor Market area that will be wonderful to stroll through or ride a river boat if it isn't too cold. Romantic huh?

A Milestone...perhaps a silly one...but one none the less...

I went to the Dr. yesterday because I am having neck problems...but that is another saga.
Anyway...they always bring in the seperate...fat person blood pressure cuff but guess what? NO MAS! Nope, they just took the regular one off the wall, wrapped that sucker around my arm, pumped it up and away we went.... Some of you reading may wonder why that's a big deal...well, it was sort of embarrassing to be so fat that they had to use this giant cuff that had to specifically brought in....so for ME....it's a milestone.

Perspective

Kelley and I were talking recently about a building she visited that she had been to since she was a little girl. She talked about how huge it seemed when she was little but how now it seemed so much smaller. I feel that same type of perspective when I look at my old clothes. I had shirts that used to look small because frankly they fit small but now they fit big...so now they look big. Then I hold up my old pants...(which are in a bag on their way to Goodwill) and I think "GOOD GRIEF...those are GIGANTIC!" and I can't believe I wore such a big pair of pants but I didn't see it...I mean I knew they were big...but I did not perceive them to be as big as they actually were.... and now I do. I took Katie to get a cell phone the other day and we were in Target and I was looking at pants and I was in the "regular" section and I told her that it is so nice now that I can look on the regular racks ...I am still looking at the tale end of the highest size on the regular racks but hey...it's the regular section all the same.

I had some other thoughts recently...one of them is....I hope that my dear friends or family don't ever mistake the things I say or perceive about myself to be my thoughts or perceptions of them because they are completely different things....If you remember the title of my blog...this is my selfish blog...........so it's all about me. I love my family, my friends........and though I want all of you to find health and happiness.....I do not look upon you with scrutiny and judgement like I do myself...NOT AT ALL. So just make sure you are 100% you know that. This blog is about ME! And the random brags or rants I may make about my kids or hubby!

Once again someone asked me how I keep on doing this. I can't write down the deeply personal, painful and even embarrassing "come to Jesus" reasons but lets just say there have been enough that I am just "there". I shared some of them with one of my dear friends and if you have ever walked in these shoes you just "get it." I will say there is just no way that I, or anyone else should say..."this is okay...it's okay to be this way". That's wrong....There is no excuse...absolutely no excuse. I am pointing that finger at myself... Why would anyone think it's okay to kill oneself...because that is what obesity is...a slow death.. It has been sucking the life out of me....taking my energy....taking my will power....taking my desire...taking my esteem....
Maybe I should turn that around and I should say I have been giving it my will power, giving it my esteem, letting it have my energy, letting it take away my desire. I say that because this has been something I have done to myself...not something that has been done to me. I am the captain of this ship! So again...I say....it is NOT okay to be the way I was....I am changed... I made a choice...I am in charge.... and that is how I keep doing what I do. I choose life...I choose to be different....I choose to be a better person, a better wife, mother, person. I am choosing to get off my ASS and quit making excuses for why I don't do something about my weight! There is no excuse anymore.

Bragging Time....My Silver Key Award Winning Daughter!!!!!!

My KelleyBelle...well, that is what we call her received her "Schlolastic Silver Key" award for a drawing she did this year. 1, 266 art projects were entered this year from the entire Houston area and only 135 were chosen. They participants were honored today at a gallery/reception where they received their awards. I wanted to brag. We are really proud. She is very talented...She did a self portrait in pencil titled.."crooked smile". It was her first attempt at this and was shocked the art teachers wanted to enter it and even more shocked it was chosen. It's a real honor especially for a first time art student. (this is her first year in art)