Wednesday, February 11, 2015

193.4 and owning this....

I got on the scale yesterday and was so angry at myself. It has risen. It is a little better this morning but still but I know I have to own this. Owning does not equal beating myself up nor does it equal throwing in the towel. This does not mean walking away and giving up, it means that obviously I know that I have been doing some things that are responsible for this squeak up in my weight. Yes, it is a squeak but when I am riding a slide down I don't want to have it turn up suddenly. The last two weeks I have been hungrier lately and tasting things more as I cook, or having a snack more. Even healthy snacks add up. I have also not walked as many days a week as usual and that is a huge factor but in my best "game show host" voice... the #1 reason I have gained some weight is probably the few meals out I have had out and the food choices I made. They weren't awful but I could have made better. The chocolate malt choice was awful and made me physically feel awful but that was such a fun night out with my family. Given all of this I still have to say that I feel really great because my heart is so very much in this and I know where I stand, I know what I want and I am motivated. I also know that I have now 23.4 pounds to get to my "ultimate" goal and if it takes me a while to get there then that is not an awful thing. Allowing my body time to adjust increases my chances of staying in this place I am trying to get to so I really need to chill. I don't need to chill to the point of gaining weight but accept my mistakes and buck up and keep moving forward. So while I set a goal of being 189.9 by Feb. 20th. that is now 9 days away and would require me to lose just over 3.5 pounds and I don't see that happening nor do I think it's smart. I will do the best I can do but I am just going to be happy with whatever I can do as long as it is a negative number. I had an awesome 5 mile walk yesterday and will take another great, long one today. Then I am going to work on my desk refinishing project. LOVE having a hobby! I do have to say something and I have to give myself a huge hug for this....and it makes me have tears thinking about it. My goal when I started out was to be under 200 pounds by the time I was 50. That was what I told my Dr. I was shooting for. Monday, February 16th will be my 49th birthday. I achieved my goal. So there is no reason in the world I should be dogging myself in any way. I was wearing size 22 pants and I am now in size 14's and can wear some size L shirts. Heck, my bra has gone from a 42 to a 38. I am one size away from my goal size pants of a 12. So much to be happy and proud of...I need to remember that when I am kicking the can sometimes. Best of all is the way I feel. I can sit in a chair and bend over and put on my tennis shoes without any huffing and puffing. I can stand in the middle of the room and put on my underwear without balancing myself on something. I don't hear myself breathe when I sit quietly. I am told I don't snore anymore. I can sit on the floor and play with my granddaughter and roll around with her. I can make plans for activities that I feel comfortable trying like kayaking, or hiking or skiing.
These are the joys and blessings that are my rewards for the hard work. There is also this internal "I like myself" that is cool to feel. I love putting on a pair of jeans, and a cute sweater or jacket and looking in the mirror and saying..."yup...I look good". Confidence is something I have missed. I know that we shouldn't attach confidence to our size and our weight but when I have felt miserable in my clothes and just in my body in general it is very hard to feel confident. I am glad to have it back. It is so sweet to feel beautiful on the arm of the man I love. Anyway....long post about gaining some weight but it's not a defeat. It's motivation to do better and keep moving forward. I have worked too hard to be set back.

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