Some days I just have to push.

Yesterday was a bad day. I just felt like crap emotionally and wanted to crawl in a hole. I was tired and it was just an all around off day for me. I decided today would be better but it wasn't getting there so this afternoon I walked and you know I really didn't feel like it. I did it though and I told myself I was going to keep walking until I felt like it. I ended up at just over 4 miles and felt a lot better after ward. It was just a day to push through it.

Well, it's either THIS....or THAT....

I got on the scale this morning and I have a tendency to move it around to "verify" it. I don't know why I do it but it's my "thing". My first weight reading was 189.8 which I figured was probably accurate considering my week last week and my crazy weekend eating my weight in richness. Then I moved the scale and it read 187.8 and I once again did my 3 times on and off jive and it kept reading that. That is a two pound difference and while I honestly don't feel physically heavier, the odds of me getting through last week unscathed are so slim it's not funny. So I tend to believe that my weight was more the 189.8. It's great I don't feel different, clothes don't feel different but I am realistic. I will just use this higher number this week I guess. :) It only means that I have harder to work and gives me a visual for how that "fun" can affect that number but certainly doesn't affect how I feel about me. I am doing great and feel amazing and very much in this change of a lifetime.

7 mile day

Today was the longest daily walk I have taken in a long time and it felt amazing. I came to a cross roads and had to make a choice on my routes. I literally said out loud..."it's time to push further" and I did. I won't have time every day for walks that long but great to know I can and not feel like my butt has been completely kicked. I walked near the water and pulled one of my ear buds out so I could hear the cadence of my footsteps as I seem to march in rhythm to whatever was beating in my ear be it music or perhaps my heart. Each and every day I am filled with overwhelming gratitude for the steps I can take. The "hill I hate" was not so today for I could climb it with ease even as it was part of the 7th mile. Tomorrow will be that day I climb on the scale and I don't know that it will be a "victory" week after my amazing weekend of no limits but I have to say that I am happy in the place I am at right now. It's okay....it's good and can only get better. 

Many Thoughts

My pictures are a bit out of order but that is okay. I have wanted to put a couple of my thoughts down. I have been thinking a lot this weekend after an amazing week and a wonderful birthday and anniversary. Kent and I went to Seattle and spent the night in a beautiful hotel and it was total gluttony and no holds barred when it came to eating. I think the thing that makes me happy is the way I feel about it. I don't feel guilty. I loved the weekend, I loved our time, I loved the food and I loved the freedom. I also am so happy that I don't feel like I have given away anything or fallen behind or lost anything by completely having an amazing time. This is a huge leap for me, HUGE leap for me and means I have grown so much. I feel so comfortable in this space I am in. I am changing in ways that I love. I love me, I love the body I have created and I love the self acceptance that I am seeing. I don't feel like every little thing I do will be the end all and I am losing my grip, I am in fact in a rhythm that is incredibly positive. So on to the pictures of this desk...something else that I am doing that is bringing me great joy is a hobby of mine. That is repurposing furniture and giving it a second life such as this desk I got for free. This is so fun to do and I love having a vision and transforming things. Hobbies are a great things and I believe good for the heart and mind too.

 

 

187.9 and yesterday was FAT TUESDAY!!!!

That might explain why I had an overwhelming need to stuff my face. If it wasn't nailed down I was eating it quite guiltlessly I might add. I will kick myself for it in a day or so but you know we just have days and I guess this was one for me.

Happy Birthday To Me....Looking back...

Today is my birthday and one that has caused me to have really think. I stood outside today and thought about where I was a year ago. While I was a new Grandma and madly in love with this precious little person that had just came in our lives, I was otherwise, depressed, overweight and overwhelmed with my life. I had no goals. I couldn't let today pass without recording my thoughts and noting the tremendous gratitude and pride I feel for the changes I have made. In a year I want to be able to scroll back to this post and see new changes, progress and even more growth. This was a Happy Birthday and it's been a good year. I am looking forward for the next year and many, many more. I know I can set goals, work hard and change. Life is a blessing.

 

 

This is a yummy snack.

1 cup unsweetened coconut milk or almond milk. 1 cup frozen blueberries. 1/2 banana and 1-2 spoons of Chia seeds. Whirl that up in a bullet or blender and it is yummy and filling.

193.4 and owning this....

I got on the scale yesterday and was so angry at myself. It has risen. It is a little better this morning but still but I know I have to own this. Owning does not equal beating myself up nor does it equal throwing in the towel. This does not mean walking away and giving up, it means that obviously I know that I have been doing some things that are responsible for this squeak up in my weight. Yes, it is a squeak but when I am riding a slide down I don't want to have it turn up suddenly. The last two weeks I have been hungrier lately and tasting things more as I cook, or having a snack more. Even healthy snacks add up. I have also not walked as many days a week as usual and that is a huge factor but in my best "game show host" voice... the #1 reason I have gained some weight is probably the few meals out I have had out and the food choices I made. They weren't awful but I could have made better. The chocolate malt choice was awful and made me physically feel awful but that was such a fun night out with my family. Given all of this I still have to say that I feel really great because my heart is so very much in this and I know where I stand, I know what I want and I am motivated. I also know that I have now 23.4 pounds to get to my "ultimate" goal and if it takes me a while to get there then that is not an awful thing. Allowing my body time to adjust increases my chances of staying in this place I am trying to get to so I really need to chill. I don't need to chill to the point of gaining weight but accept my mistakes and buck up and keep moving forward. So while I set a goal of being 189.9 by Feb. 20th. that is now 9 days away and would require me to lose just over 3.5 pounds and I don't see that happening nor do I think it's smart. I will do the best I can do but I am just going to be happy with whatever I can do as long as it is a negative number. I had an awesome 5 mile walk yesterday and will take another great, long one today. Then I am going to work on my desk refinishing project. LOVE having a hobby! I do have to say something and I have to give myself a huge hug for this....and it makes me have tears thinking about it. My goal when I started out was to be under 200 pounds by the time I was 50. That was what I told my Dr. I was shooting for. Monday, February 16th will be my 49th birthday. I achieved my goal. So there is no reason in the world I should be dogging myself in any way. I was wearing size 22 pants and I am now in size 14's and can wear some size L shirts. Heck, my bra has gone from a 42 to a 38. I am one size away from my goal size pants of a 12. So much to be happy and proud of...I need to remember that when I am kicking the can sometimes. Best of all is the way I feel. I can sit in a chair and bend over and put on my tennis shoes without any huffing and puffing. I can stand in the middle of the room and put on my underwear without balancing myself on something. I don't hear myself breathe when I sit quietly. I am told I don't snore anymore. I can sit on the floor and play with my granddaughter and roll around with her. I can make plans for activities that I feel comfortable trying like kayaking, or hiking or skiing.
These are the joys and blessings that are my rewards for the hard work. There is also this internal "I like myself" that is cool to feel. I love putting on a pair of jeans, and a cute sweater or jacket and looking in the mirror and saying..."yup...I look good". Confidence is something I have missed. I know that we shouldn't attach confidence to our size and our weight but when I have felt miserable in my clothes and just in my body in general it is very hard to feel confident. I am glad to have it back. It is so sweet to feel beautiful on the arm of the man I love. Anyway....long post about gaining some weight but it's not a defeat. It's motivation to do better and keep moving forward. I have worked too hard to be set back.

It doesn't pay be be naughty....

Because my gut is in a whole world of hurt. :( We took the kids out to dinner tonight and I enjoyed myself. I had "green eggs and ham" which was pesto scrambled eggs with ham. I ate some rye toast and cottage cheese but the kicker or killer was that I consumed a chocolate malt. Yep...I did and boy was it good. Boy...is my stomach screaming at me and my intestines are just about as noisy. It was so much fun to go out and have fun with my family at this cute diner but I indulged myself too much and I will pay for it. I am not worried about the pound I might gain...I am worried about what tomorrow will bring or even tonight until I get over this. Uggg. LOL I walked over 5 miles today but I am sure that is null and void. Whatever. Tomorrow is a new day and there are no set backs. This was all about being with my husband and kids and doing something we don't do very often at all. It was worth it.

It's Wednesday, therefore I weigh...

192.4 and I say thank goodness. I feel more confident about my 189.9 goal for the 20th. I have been recording my walking on my phone which I think is motivating. Yesterday I really didn't feel like going but I did anyway. Those are the days I say...GO!GO!GO! I always feel better afterward. Those days that I also walk and something tells me to walk just a little further and I do I always am glad I did. It means I need it and it makes me feel not only physically better but emotionally stronger. Yesterday I saw the word "loop" on a street sign and of course loop means "loop" so I took it. It added almost a mile to my walk and it was a pretty walk. It was worth the venture. It's getting lighter later, and a little warmer but still drizzly but we are getting there. I am looking forward to sunnier days. Someone will have to plink me in the head if I complain about being hot when I walk this Spring and Summer.

This is what 193 pounds looks like on me

I am shooting for 170. These jeans are size 14's and by the time it is all said and done I hope to slide easily in to 12's. It is just a good weight for me with my height and build. Sure I could weigh less but why? I want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. I think the 170 range is a really great place to get me there and be in good health.

If it ain't broke....

How does that go? Don't fix it? I have been doing a lot of research on diets lately. This paleo diet seems to be all the rage currently and I must admit that some of the recipes look really yummy. I am even using a few of them just because they honestly look good and healthy. It doesn't really get much further than that with me though because what I am doing is working and I can live with what I am doing? If someone flat out asked me what I "do" I guess I would put it like this. I eat  smaller portions, more fiber, better fats, I have cut out most white starches and sugars, I have even cut out artificial sweeteners now for the most part, more vegetables, less red meat, good fruits in moderation and I walk 4 days a week at least for no less than 3 miles per walk. I don't sit and count calories at but if I were to do that if I were guessing...probably a day for me is in the 2000 range or less. Oh...and I usually have my dark chocolate usually every day in the form of a 72% cacao snap off a bar to the tune of a 100-150 calories worth. I should drink more water than I do but that is something I need to work on. My bladder weakness and my desire to be able to walk precludes me from being able to drink a ton of liquid but I am working on that. So this is what I do...I eat breakfast every day which is usually some Kashi cereal with unsweetened coconut milk, or home-made granola with blueberries. I never skip breakfast though. If I am feeling adventurous I will make some eggs and have that with a high fiber English muffin. I just don't skip. I try an eat an apple a day. I have incorporated chia seeds in my diet now usually in the form of a smoothie with blueberries and unsweetened coconut milk and half a banana. That is a yummy snack. This is easy for me and I can live like this without feeling like I am missing out on life. When I make dinner I try to make things that I can eat. I love to roast vegetables and I have gotten the family to board that train too. It is funny to see them munching on my roasted broccoli and cauliflower or chowing on Brussels sprouts. Anyway...I guess the whole point to this post is to remind myself that I am doing just fine at what I am doing. Now this morning I paid a price for eating too much junk yesterday after 4 or 5 trips to the bathroom it was better but seriously....when you eat better and then you eat crap...your body says....EWWWWWW...get rid of that crap....LITERALLY! Ha!Ha! So I will just keep on trucking and keep setting goals for myself. Last night I marked on the calendar in my phone that I want to be 189.9 by Feb. 20. I have another trip in March and I would love to be in the 179 range by then. That will be my next goal after I meet this first one. Baby steps... :)

Just some thoughts...

This has been a really slow week for me, one that has felt full of hiccups and just not a great groove. I have walked but not my usual. I have eaten right for the most part but also not my usual. Today (Super Bowl) I just ate whatever I wanted to...way to much. The day is over with so I am just going to move on. The thing is, in the back of my head I have been sort of knocking myself a bit. I was in the shower tonight and I was thinking "well I had hoped to be in the 180's by the time Kent and I have our anniversary trip". That's a whole 20 days away and I weighed today and I was 193, and so I don't know why my thoughts were so defeatist. I can lose 3.something pounds by the 20th, I just need to work harder and not lose my focus. I think that is what has been happening. I have been getting off track and losing some of my focus. I haven't been goal setting lately and I need to keep doing that. So my goal is now to be 189.9 by Feb. 20th. I will record in my calendar on my phone some goals which helps me keep track and also gets me excited as I see my progress. I also realize that I need to be encouraged by my progress and motivated by the changes that I see rather than frustrated by the changes I don't see yet. I think that is really what is going on right now. I am expecting myself to be in a place I am not yet because things have really slowed down however it is not a bad thing...the slowing down part. My body is having time to adjust, my brain is having adjust and I am having time to get used to this new me. Anyway....just wanted to get these thoughts put out there. Set goals...that is my plan for the week.