*I PEEKED...
I couldn't stand it. Kent and I went out to dinner on Saturday night. We ate in a restaurant. I told him...how badly I would have to beat off the "thoughts" playing around in my head. I ate a salad folks....a freaking salad...with feta, strawberries, grilled chicken and greens with an amazing strawberry vinaigrette. However, to satisfy him I ate two pieces of calamari (bleck!) and to satisfy me I nibbled on a pieced of pita bread. The two pieces of calamari couldn't have been more than 25 calories a piece and the piece of pita bread...maybe 50, shoot...even if it was 100....it was just a piece of pita bread for gosh sakes. Anyway....I was explaining how I would now have to talk myself through this "after meal" process and tell myself to enjoy the time out with him....enjoy the meal I had and "move on". Some of you may seriously get where I am coming from...others may be shaking your head but it's all part of the process here. Anyway.....Sunday morning....I couldn't stand it... like I was going to gain weight over night or something but I got on the scale...even though I said I wasn't going to until Wednesday....and I "peeked"....I had to look...and it's all good. I peeked again today....it's still good. I won't report on that until Wednesday....giggle. Scales are a bad obsession. At least I don't buy them....well I have two of them. It's not like my collection of sprinklers....but I have gotten better with the sprinkler fetish....but summer is coming and people will have theirs out and I may see something I just have to have....LOL (love you honey!)
*Did I tell you what I did at Sea World?
I rode a roller coaster with my husband and rode the "Great White" with my daughters and my son and then once again with my husband and one of my daughter's. This "fat chick" is no more. No more moving me around on the ride because the bars won't lock down baby! I did it not because I am a fan of scary rides but because I wanted to "leap". I wanted to share that experience and do something fun with my family that I haven't been able to do or have been afraid to do because I was "too fat". I just wanted to share with you how much fun it was. The roller coaster scared the crap out of me and I thought I was going to fly out of it but it was fun!
*I am ready to get "Pumped Up"
Kent and I were walking yesterday and I was joking around with him. It blows my mind to realize that I am now about 46 pounds away from my goal. That is if I decide that is where I want to be. It could be I want to go more...I could go less but that is my 25 BMI goal so that is what I am going for right now until I decide otherwise. So I want to join a gym now because I am at a point where walking and the few things that are available to me at the little gym we have at our club house aren't really enough. I need MORE to finish me and shape me and mold my muscles. My joke with my husband was that he may start wondering what happened to his wife. I told him that we might have our counters lined with those giant plastic jugs of protein powder, and I'll have those silly weight lifting gloves on all the time and our conversations will be littered with gluts, pecs and traps...hahaha! No, that is not what I am going for....it's such a funny thought though to me.
*New Friends All The Time Asking For My Blog
Perhaps I should have put this first but I didn't...so if you hung in there this long...it means you'll stay. Everyday it seems I have people who haven't seen me for a while and they are a little shocked. They asked me what have I done, how much, etc. As you may quickly learn...I blog a lot...not for the people who read it....but for me. This is sort of my journal. Most of it is about my weight loss journey with a little bit of my family triumphs and struggles mixed in as well because this my life. So it's LONG read. If you have the time, if you really want to know then start from the beginning. I can give you a quickie synopsis but the real story is woven within the threads of this blog. Perhaps there is something here that might help you if that is what your looking for.
Here's how it goes: I have been overweight most of my adult life. I was always bigger than everyone when I was in grade school, Jr. high, high school but not "fat" per se but bigger definitely. I chalked it up to big bones, giant feet, big hands. It made me feel so inferior to everyone else and I hated how that felt. I comforted myself by eating, binging...hiding food...and then those lovely fad diets. If you can name the diet...I have been on it.
I have 4 children and my weight has climbed steadily. I used to say I would never consider weight loss surgery but I was getting to the point where I thought about it...I felt that desperate. I told my husband that I was going to give myself a year to do it on my own...but I didn't really dive in to that year...until we moved to Houston. In November I was sick with a bad cough/cold...my husband made me go to the Dr. I really didn't want to go. I didn't want to go because I knew if I went I would have to stand on a scale and face a reality that I did not want to face. I did not want to know how much I really weighed. I had an idea but wasn't sure. I was really sick and not getting better so I didn't really have a choice. I went and when I stood on the scale I was shocked. I weighed 286 pounds. By the time I got in to the little office I was in tears and the Dr. checked me out and discovered I had the beginning of pneumonia and then she asked why the tears and I told her I had to do something about my weight. We decided to have me return for a full physical when I was over the pneumonia and talk about how I should go about losing weight. She put me on an anti-biotic and gave me other cough meds and stuff and told me to come back in a week for a follow up. Well, the antibiotic she gave me was VERY strong....so strong that it gave me a rash...under the fold of my stomach and in the fold of my legs. It was very painful. When your that overweight your stomach hangs over and you can have these awful folds and moisture builds up there. This is what was happening. I went back to the Dr. and this is when I had my "last straw" moment.
I sat there humiliated beyond description while the Dr. tried to tell me how to shower myself and clean those areas, talking about lifting skin, and squatting, and taking a hair dryer and drying those areas to make sure they were dry. And there it is....that moment that I said...."no more of this.....I am not doing this anymore". I am not going to live like this...this is not okay....it is not okay to be like this. I am not happy....I am not healthy....I want to save my life". Never in my life have I ever been more embarrassed and completely raw like I was at that moment.....I cannot even describe how I felt. This poor Dr. was trying so hard to be delicate but it just hit me like nothing in the world ever could have. I was on a path to self destruction.....and the only person who could get me off that path once and for all was ME!
I got over my pneumonia, and my yeast infection of the skin (because that is what it was) and went back and had tons of blood work and my Dr. basically said....exercise...low fat, low carb, low cholesterol.......CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE. The best thing she said was .....no diet....whatever you do....understand this is going to have to be what you do for the rest of your life....life brushing your teeth. So no diet....just change your lifestyle.
Dec. 1, 2008 I started a change in my life. I weighed on that date...280 pounds. I decided that I would eat high fiber foods, low fat, veg's, fresh fruits in moderation, almonds, olive oil, avocados, little red meat, fish and lots of ground turkey breast, chicken, nothing white, no soda, lots of water. I exercise 5 days a week which mainly includes walking at least 45 minutes a day. I feed my family what I eat....so I cook regular meals and we sit down together and eat like a family. Every once in a while they have something different but as a rule...we all eat the same. I don't count calories...I am conscious of portion sizes....snacks are super important and I make sure they are protein snacks like a 1/4 of almonds or cheese stick, or some cottage cheese and fruit. I enjoy bites of chocolate from 60 calorie chocolate sticks that are low in fat but have the 60% cacao which is good for the heart, or I enjoy ff, sugar free pudding cups, or a skinny cow ice cream sandwich for a treat every once in a while.
To date I have lost almost 77 pounds or 83 from that 286 I weighed in November. I am looking forward to breaking 200 very shortly here and then reaching my goal weight by summer's end/early fall. For the first time in my life now there is no doubt in my mind. I know I will do this....it's very clear. I had to have the experience I did though to really shake me up. When my husband reads this....he'll finally know what that "last straw" was...because I have been too humiliated to share it with even him. I just can't speak the words I guess...it's too painful. I am not that person now...but it still hurts.
So, new friends...and old....I have just walked you through my journey...the short version. You learned something new about me that I am finally ready to share. Reach inside yourselves....save yourselves. I promise you it feels so much better on the other side and if this chick can get where she is right now....you can get there too.
No comments:
Post a Comment