Kinda Giggly!

I have a personal goal to lose 10 pounds a month. Well, I have already lost 5.6 of my April goal and it's not even April yet. That just gets me all giggly inside! That means my big, HUGE, wall that I am excited to break through is getting closer all the time...Whoo!Whoo!

Don't mind me...I'll just get back to my giggling...maybe it burns calories. ;)

Pizza For Dinner

I made pizza for dinner and tried a different crust and it was yummy. As always I tweaked it a little bit. I made my own individual pizza so it had fresh spinach, mushrooms, red peppers, green and black olives, and jalenpenos, some tomato sauce and a very small amount of low fat mozzarella cheese on it.

I wanted to post this recipe to share.

Quick Whole Wheat Pizza Crust

Ingredients:
2 cups Whole Wheat Flour
1 Tbsp Flax Seed
1 Package active dry yeast/instant yeast
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1 cup hot tap water (120-125 degrees)
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon honey

Preheat Oven: 425

Mix flour,yeast and salt. Blend in water, oil, and honey. Stir by hand vigorously until all ingredients are well mixed; about 3 minutes. Cover and let rise to desired size. (I let mine rise 1 hour)

Place dough in greased jelly roll pan or pizza pan and with oiled hands work dough to sides and form a rim. (I sprinkled corn meal on my pan)

I put my crust in oven for 12 minutes to brown some before adding sauce and toppings. Once sauce and toppings are added, return to oven and cook to desired doneness.

(like I said, I pinched off a small ball and made myself a small 6 inch disk, and then still made a large pizza for my family with the rest of the dough)

Welcome to the world Hayden Ross!

I am a great aunt again! Hayden Ross was born last night March 26,2009 to my neice Gretchen and her husband Chris. He weighed 8lbs 2 oz and is 21 1/2 inches long. This is their first bouncing baby and I can't wait to meet him! I am sure he is a cutey just like his cousin Riley my other Great Nephew who is the son of my neice Heidi her husband Shaun! How fun to have cousins so close in age, and boys at that!

Closest Thing You'll Get to see me Naked In the Bathroom

So this is me now...and you'll have to forgive the blurriness but self portraits in bathroom mirrors aren't the best. However...almost 4 months in to it...I am down over 64 pounds. If you look below you can see my "Before" image.

So this is before....and taken right at my start date of December 1, 2008

Today I reminded for some reason...of all the things that have brought me to the point I am. Nothing happened today it is just I am in that "thought" and this is a good thing. It is very good to remember the painful moments and times that bring one so low that they decide they have had enough of something. I cannot begin to tell you how excruciatingly painful it has been for me. I have family who I know have felt the same pain, I have friends...I see strangers....I know how it feels....we don't talk about it. There is no way I would ever open up and share with anyone the humiliating things associated with being so overweight that caused me to feel worthless. I WASN'T but it felt that way....definitely. Then pile on top of that all the physical problems...and then the social stigma....and the clothes that don't fit, and the chairs your afraid you'll break or the ass doesn't even fit in to, and I could go on and on and on and on...............the list is overwhelming. It is so painful to remember....but it's important...and when I work out....and I work on my meals and everything I do....I hold in my heart those thoughts....that life is good now and better and because of the changes I have made....I have overcome those issues. My goodness.....self esteem and I are friends now.....we've met and actually like each other.....and get along swimmingly and think it's okay to hang out.....(laugh)

I share all these kind of thoughts because I know that there is someone out there....maybe two out there, or ten out there or 100 or 1000.....(yeah, like that many would ever read this...) but that can sit back and say to themselves....."that's how I feel...that is exactly how I feel...someone else has felt like I feel, and they say it can get better." I just want to offer some hope. Hang in there....Hang on there and believe in yourself......because this is worth fighting for......I promise you. I am so much happier now...and feel so good.

It HIT me last night.........

I am OVER half way there! (jumping up and down) I have more weight behind me now....(as in lost weight) than I do ahead of me.......I have climbed to the top of the mountain.....and now work my way over to the other side. I am just thrilled beyond words honestly.........Would you believe that last night I actually told my hubs how much I weigh? This is one of the greatest guys and has stood by me through thick and thin but darn it all if I was going to tell him that....but I did....and he told me how proud he was of me and for my will power to stick it out and keep going....he said he just didn't have that much strength. I told him that I am tired of fighting the battle over and over and over.....this is the last round in this ring baby and I am gonna come out wearing that gigantamo belt....well, I won't wear it....cuz I think they are ugly......but I will hold it over my head and jump all around and know that I did this.........no surgery.....no pills........no slim fast.........no stupid fad, overnight diet..............this came from deep down in my soul finally.........a desire to live a better life for me.......and for this family whom I adore and I want to be here for a long time with. I changed my life and what I do today........is what I will be doing forever.........like brushing my teeth as I have said in the past. That is what makes this different now.

Anyone can do this.......not for one second let yourself believe you can't.........I am the queen of start and stop.........and diet failure.............just gotta find it.........way, way down deep inside......and hang on for dear life......and love yourself enough to change and do what's hard, what sucks sometimes......but will bring unbelievable satisfaction.......energy, personal strength, renewed health........and confidence.

Okay, "Selfish Lady" will stop crowing now! I have got to bust a move.....BE Happy! Be Well! Be Amazing!

I did a double take this morning!

What a fun spring break we had! It started off slow but ended up great. Kent and I were able to go the the rodeo on Wednesday. We were treated to two "suite" tickets in the Reliant Center courtesy of the Coast Guard. We were served a nice dinner in a lounge that right there close to our seats. They had a free bar as well but of course we just enjoyed all the water we could drink and Kent had his cokes. We watched the rodeo itself which was lots of fun and then we enjoyed a Gary Allan concert. I am not a fan...just went because of the tickets. He was good but I got bored about 2/3 of the way through and after watching so many of the folks taking advantage...overkill actually of the free booze....I wanted to leave before the masses did so we cut out of there early. So we left before the concert was over and drove safely home.

Thursday we drove down to Corpus to visit the family and then spent Friday at Port Aransas on the beach with my cousins and there kiddos and that was so much fun. The beach was beautiful...the company was even better. I am so grateful we live back in Texas and close to family where we can enjoy trips down to hang out and get to know each other once again. As kids all of us cousins were more like brothers and sisters and my Aunt and Uncle are truly like my other Mom and Dad, so it's great to be near them again. I missed it.

In the title of my post I said I did a "double take". Well, last two weeks have been slow for me but this morning I got on the scale expecting to have lost a pound or two but I did better than that. I lost 4.6 this week and that puts me at 62.8 now..... and it also helps me make that goal of 10 pounds a month and gives me a head start on April so I am happy, happy.

I will share with you some observations too, and I think this made a huge difference. I really made a more conscience effort this week to make sure I had my snacks readily available and didn't miss them. The week before I don't think I ate enough. I think that is why my weight loss slowed down. I have to make sure I eat enough and keep my metabolism going at an even pace or I don't lose weight. There were days I was out of energy and I told my hubs...I am not eating enough and when I was figuring out how much I had eaten by 4 in the afternoon it was not nearly what it should have been...not because I was trying to skimp...just because I was getting lazy or too busy to take a moment to make a snack. So, baggies of almonds went in my purse this week....and I was eating them...about 2 hours after my last meal if I wasn't where I could have something else.

It's nice to be back home but there is a ton to do now, get caught up on, and get back in the saddle with. My house is turned upside down and all around....so I better get to it!

What a slow week.

Well, the sum total of my weight loss for this week was not even a full pound. It was .8. I had a small rise there but it fell back down. It is becoming apparent now that I am in that hard fight time....I knew it would come...I figured it would be around this weight and sure enough...I was right. So now I have to push through this wall to get to the to the other side. I have to say it just makes me more determined than ever and is NOT going to stop me....it fuels me. It doesn't fuel me to be stupid but helps me have a greater desire to keep doing what I am doing and be ever watchful of ways I can improve or strengthen myself.

The captain of this ship sends..........

Those fun head games.....

Long ago I mentioned in my blog the fun things that go on inside my head. The battles that rage as I lose weight. I am now getting to a size, weight where I feel those things really coming in to play now....this is the "point" in the past where I have started to waver. No wavering now because I have been so prepared for this...I have been waiting in the hedges you might say for those naughty thoughts to come marching over the hill and here they come.

First of all....it is completely wonderful to feel so comfortable in a pair of jeans....I absolutely love this feeling. I love them fitting so well that they are actually long, don't ride up my butt, and I don't feel like a frump. It's so cool to be at this point....and to know it's just going to get better, and better. HOWEVER, the ol' brain here...and history... wants to say...."hey, wait a minute....your comfortable, confident....happy?....uh...positive? your not supposed to feel like that!" ....and then the sabotage tries to set in like a ticker tape running on the bottom of a TV screen reminding me that I shouldn't feel so good....like it's a bad thing! Bad Amy! Well, as I said....I have been waiting for this...I know how it's been in the past and this time....I know better. This is right, it is a good thing and by golly, I deserve this. Some days I feel like I have " Eye Of The Tiger" from the "Rocky" movie playing in my head. I am fighting for this like crazy and without a doubt....NO DOUBT....I will reach my goals. I have been getting frustrated this week because I have added weights in my workout and I have gained weight...minimal amount but if the scale goes up an ounce...I have a freak out....but I am definitely smaller. I am in size 14 pants now. So I am much smaller than when I started....size 24 to a 14...yeah, I'd say I am smaller. I used to "think" I knew what size I'd be when I got to my goal weight but now I am not so sure....because I have 65 pounds to go and I thought a 10 or 12 was going to be the magic size...but now that I am getting in to 14's...uh....well, just can't imagine what I'll fit in....I better not think about it...or I will really have some serious head games going on.

One day at a time.....fight, fight, fight...

Okay, new day...I am better.

Now that I have had to digest things a little I feel a bit better. Sorry for the ominous post yesterday but I spent a good bit of the morning at the psychologist office getting overwhelmed with the findings from my 11 yr. old's testing that was done in February. So much to take in and way more than I understand right now. He has lots going on with him...some of it is genetic and then some of it is neurological and that is possibly from damage during the 2 year stint of seizure activity, and then there's other junk. We have lots of work ahead of us but I know things will work out...we just have to get the school very involved and come up with an education plan for him. He'll keep going to counciling, and then probably start on some meds soon. Deep breath.......
It's gonna get better...It'll be so much better for him now that we honestly know what in the heck is going on....that is a huge positive.

My heart feels so heavy right now

I may be getting lighter but today my heart feels so heavy.....

Sometimes being a parent is so hard. Let me change that...many times it is so hard. It is hard to not feel guilt when our children suffer or their lives are affected by their genetics or history. I wish I could help it but I can't. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes. I wish my kids didn't have to have my scars but I suppose I have someone's, and they have someone's and so on. It just sucks. I don't mean to ramble. I just don't want them to hurt, or be ridiculed, or be sad, or struggle but it is inevitable...and for one it's gonna be really much harder than maybe the others.

I'm sorry....

Peace Out...Bad Day...maybe tomorrow will be better. :(

I caved........

and bought a box of hair color..... :9

Every time I look in the mirror...I just feel like I look older than I am....and I realized....I am not ready....and it's okay. So me and "Feria" have a date later.

It's all about self acceptance right? (giggle!)

Finally it moves again!

That sucker finally moved after a couple of days of sitting there...I was bugging out a bit. I try to tell myself NOT to be obsessed, yeah right....like that is going to happen. I am very goal driven right now...I have one thing on my mind...reach my goal...reach my goal...reach my goal.

I have little ones along the way...10 pounds a month is one of them. So right now it's the 11Th of March, and I have 2.8 left to lose this month to ensure that I meet that goal. So I feel pretty safe that I will meet it. You see MAY is a huge BENCHMARK month for me....that is a month that I will break through a wall that is so big I am dizzy excited about! That is why I stick with the 10 pounds a month goals...so that by the end of May....POW! WHAM!CRASH! a wall comes tumbling down....something I haven't been below in over 20 years! See, you'd be excited too!

After that huge break through just another 4 months and I will be "there" and then I keep on truckin....and keep doing what I am....with a "twist". That sounds like a good "made for TV" movie, huh? No, once I have reached my goal...then I will begin the process of learning to allow myself to enjoy a treat here or there with my family...something I don't do now....because it'll throw me off my path and I hate the guilt. That is one of those things in my head I have to work on. I'm getting there....a work in progress.

So Frustrated

Another wall....I guess because I dropped 6 pounds last week, that my body is clinching down this week. I honestly would rather have split the 6 over a two week period because it "mentally" feels better than seeing the same stupid number on the scale day after day. I know I should not be complaining so someone feel free to slap me! My eating hasn't changed...but what has changed is that in ADDITION....to my walking....I have added in some weights and exercises with my ball. 3 times this week I spent about an hour extra on the ball doing crunches, and all kinds of exercises that my physical therapist gave me to do for strengthening and toning. So I actually worked out more this week...walked EVERYDAY but stinky scale won't squeek out a pound. I don't like weeks like this. I know they are inevitable but still makes me want to spit and sputter....not give up at all....NO WAY but fuss a bit all the same!

The difference between Knowing and Hoping....

I have been walking around with this feeling deep down in my soul for a while. It is such an amazing feeling and one that I had never felt before about myself and my abilities to reach my goals. So many times....I mean more than I could ever begin to recite....I have tried and tried....only to fail....I gave up. I could give you a bajillion reasons...(I know it's not a number it sounds good and sounds like a LOT!) and I could ramble off a crap ton of excuses as to why I just stood there in the mist and let my goals just fade away. This time is so completely different. I feel different in a way I have ever felt before. It is the difference now between hoping that I'll make it to my goal and knowing. I KNOW that by Christmas if not before I will be at my goal....there is not one doubt at all in my heart, mind, whatever. It is so ingrained in me....it is a clear shot and I breathe this. I want my life and my health and NOTHING is in the way. I no longer stand in my way.......and for whatever silly reasons.......I always did in the past. I stopped ME from getting "there".

I was talking to my dear friend Terry and I told her...almost like it was indulgent of me to say...."do you know how good it feels to like yourself?" I am proud and happy with who I am, and who I see. It's not even the outer physical shell that I am talking about....it's the stronger person that I see and the person that I know can push through what is tough and not always comfortable.

This is power....the power that is driving me to keep going and giving me energy. The cloak of fat and helplessness I felt gets lighter all the time and I feel amazing!

So here's what 55 pounds less looks like...

Yep, it's a picture of my butt! Hey, it's WAYYYYYYYYYY smaller and that makes me proud! LOL

She's Back!

Terry chose "Barney Purple" for her toes...(love ya girl!) and I was feeling funky and chose dark blue!

This is our drama pose! Covergirl watch out!

This was a "Dave, hurry up and take the picture this leg is heavy!"

Well I am back from my trip and I have to say it was a blast! It was as much fun as I hoped it would be. My dear friend Terry was a wonderful hostess (with the mostest!). We spent most of our time just hanging out, staying up late and talking. We did some shopping, some eating out, some pampering and some laughing so hard we thought we should have worn our depends. I am so glad I went and love, love, love my hubby for holding down the fort for me while I was gone. It sounds like he did an amazing job. When my Katie told me on the phone..."I think Dad was born to be a Mom" I knew they were fine.

I was worried I might gain weight being out of my routine but in fact I lost. I was really good while there with very few deviations from my normal plan. Today I am down over 55 pounds.

I was bad and didn't take a whole lot of pictures...just the few of Terry and I goofing around before I left. So I will post a few of those. She took some shots for me for my blog to show my progress!

It's good to be home...I missed my family. I went to physical therapy and I am happy to report they released me so I only have to go back on a very limited basis and do my exercises at home. He also showed me how to do a lot more weight training type stuff now, and crunches, strength,core...so I can work on areas I haven't been able to do to my neck. Now I can get my darn arms smaller. Yay!