My favorite time of the day....

I absolutely love early mornings when the entire house is still and no one is up but me. It is nice and quiet, and still. The wind is blowing outside and it is pretty dark outside and it is just peaceful. If I didn't have somewhere to be pretty soon, I'd be putting on my walking clothes and heading out the door. Oh well. I will do that later. Saturday it is "supposed" to snow which is not a super common occurence for here so I am not holding my breath. It will be cold though so what that means for me is some cold weather walking. Yay. Kinda. I got on the scale today and it was 214.2 so now I am down 57.4. My goal was to be at 215 by December 1, so I am happy to know I will be there. My "inner", selfish me would love to be 210 by the time my daughter comes home for Christmas on the 12th. That would give me just over 2 weeks to lose about 4 pounds and since things are slowing down a bit I am not going to push it. It's just a "Wow, that would be so cool" goal for my record book. So I am putting it on the record. December 14th is the Jingle Bell Run and I am looking forward to doing that with a dear friend. I made a crazy tutu that was a major undertaking and I will never make another one again. I had no idea what in the hell I was doing. I have never done a 5K before, done the Half Marathon but nothing else so this will be fun to get back and do an event like this, especially with such a good friend. It is opportunities like this I am so excited to participate in now that I feel physically more able. What a blessing. In the Spring I plan to fly to Cali and walk across the Golden Gate Bridge and back with my best friend. This is the "reward" I had chosen when I break 200. I am so excited to do that. It is motivating to me to set goals. It is kind of like throwing things out in front of myself and once I reach it, I grab it and then throw it out further so I have something to look forward to in the future. There always has to be goals, and something to keep in my mind.

Tomorrow in Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for. I am blessed far more than I deserve.

Odd thoughts....

Last night I was in the shower and I bent over to wash my feet of all things and I had a really weird thought. That thought rolled in to another one....then in to another. The first thought was how grateful I was to be able to bend over with ease to wash my feet. I remember the balancing act I used to do to have to such things. Being brutally honest here. A harder "yoga" like feat was putting on my pants standing up with out falling in to the wall. So I began to feel a sense of gratitude for how things of changed. Some people won't be able to relate to this but I know others will. Then I started to have some rather sad thoughts. I realized that one day there will come a time that I won't be able to stand in a shower and take care of myself. I may not be able to stand and put on my own pants. I will rely on the assistance of others. I know those sound like such "morbid" thoughts at this time in my life but I guess this comes from having a daughter that is a CNA and works with the elderly. Anyway...it leads me to the thoughts that I want to live and enjoy the rest of my life. I don't want to hate this body of mine anymore and feel so trapped by it. I turn 49 in February and I suppose I consider myself approaching "middle age" so I have no time to waste.....none at all.

Just bought these....

So now I got do a little heavy lifting.  :) 

Two pictures

I am overwhelmed with just how much things have changed in less than a year. I think I hated the thought of being captured in a photo with my new granddaughter last January. This is me today and I get happier as each day comes. Life is a gift.

Peeling back the layers of the onion....one at a time.

This whole weight loss thing gets me thinking. It is a bit consuming and probably not what I wanted but at the same time I find myself in places where my soul is just wide open to emotion. I feel a great and profound connection with my Saviour. I am torn right now because I don't go to church but I miss the community of the church of my "raising". However, I am conflicted about things there. Doctrinal stuff. I was walking the other day and having a talk with myself about the fact that I don't know how to handle this and a very still small voice whispered...."Pray about it". How simple. Pray about it. That requires me to be open to receive and willing to hear answers whether I like them or not. Sometimes I can resist that. It's hard. If it were not for the faith I have in prayer, and the strength I know that has come from my Heavenly Father I would have buckled long ago as I have gone through some of the things I have been through as a Mom. I guess I have always known when I have faced some real challenges that it was going to be okay. I feel this way now and as I peel away each layer of what is happening in my life, and face each challenge...I know I have support from on high. My perspective is growing differently and my prayers continue to be that it will continue in that direction. I am learning to protect what is best for me. I have to in order to survive and be successful. It is just layers and layers of junk but it is also layers and layers of letting go, giving up, giving away and setting free old ways, old habits, the old "Me".

Yet another week has come and gone....

I did my traditional stripping of the oh so "oversized" but heavenly comfortable fleece jammies this morning. In my birthday suit I climbed "Mt. Scale" I think I will start calling it and it read 216.6 so I am now a "teen" again and have lost 55 pounds. Perhaps my goal to be 215 by December 1 will be attainable after all but I am always leary about these things. I have backed off the November 100 mile challege because it just wasn't making me happy. I love to go on the walks I love to go on, and the lengths and times I want to go on. Feeling as though I have to push myself to some crazy limit to meet this challenge isn't what I have been enjoying and if there is no joy, then why do it. I find myself back to my walks of 4 miles here, 5 there, 3 some days or even happily skipping a day very guiltlessly. That is what I love about how I do this. It's just my way. I know a gym is in my future and that is getting closer but I think it will wait until the spring. I have a pile of weights and perhaps I need to get my butt downstairs and pick one up soon. (BIG GRIN!) That is another battle of the brain I will have to work through so that I make sure I don't give up when I start that process. It's great at first but then gets very mundane.

I am so looking forward to the holidays, and going Christmas shopping in the big city with my daughters. I can dress sharp and walk effortlessly and feel proud that not long ago I couldn't do "this". The other day I was at the end of a good 5 miles and I was struggling a little bit and I thought of a few people in my life with struggles with health and I knew that they probably would give anything to be able to do what I just did. I quit my inner whinning and pushed ahead. I am blessed. SUPER blessed. Sometimes, I forget that and need to remember that when the "I can't do this" pops in my brain. I honestly want to be here for a very long time to love, to live and to enjoy life with my family and having good health is really a key to that. I have the responsibility to do something about what I have "messed up" you might say. I know that. I am also praying, praying, praying like crazy that my children will see me and NOT follow in my footsteps. I pray they will see the struggles and they will not walk down this path. It is not worth it. Stay healthy, be physical, be active, live life. Love yourself and don't punish it with food and inactivity. I know there are some things in our life we can't control but what we can...take charge of. This is why I am so passionate about this. I can control this, this is within my power to do something about.

So it's Wednesday....

I have to admit, I made it to Tuesday before I peeked at the scale. I am all for being up front and honest with myself here. It has helped to wait and not do the on and off every morning. This morning's weight is 220.4 so that is a loss of 51.2 since the end of July. The biggest "loss" for me is that of those sluggish feelings. It feels so much better to have some movement and energy now. That is more exciting than the number, almost. I am going to attempt wait another week before I peek at the scale again. Hopefully I will be in the teens by next week but I feel a plateau coming so I am a realist. We'll see. My next "mini" goal is to be 215 by December 1. That might be hard to do and is merely a goal. One can only try to reach out and see where it goes.

So much walking lately...Wow!

Yesterday I was on a long walk and I found myself multiple times with a "Cheshire" cat-like grin on my face. It is crazy to feel such joy and happiness in pouring rain while jugging up a hill but there I was. One point my mind wandered back to a memory of me when I lived in Houston and I was training for the Half Marathon. I cut through a high school parking lot that happened to be next to a gym. I was feeling so happy and so proud of myself that I started doing airplanes with my arms outstretched and running in circles. I am sure the people on their spin bikes over looking the parking lot wondered what the crazy lady in the parking lot below was doing but I was just "having a moment". Lately, I am starting to have those moments. They are moments of joy and pride and gratefulness that I finally feel so much better. My body feels better, I move better and I sleep better and I have more energy and there are more smiles. When I was at the park walking on Friday I saw a young woman jogging and notice her jump up and touch the leaves of the trees with a big smile. I smiled back at her because I felt like "I got it". I get it. I get why this is so important...this change, I need this and I have to keep holding on to me. I need more of this.

Breaking through the guilt.

The other day I went and had a fun lunch with one of my dearest friends. My food choice? A beautiful "Washington Apple Salad" with blackened Sockeye Salmon on it. It also had candied walnuts and gorgonzola cheese crumbles and a raspberry vinergrette. I ate every bit of it because it was not only pretty to look at but honestly it tasted amazing. The thing that really sucks is I spent the rest of the day, and part of the next and part of the next feeling guilty over that darn salad. Yes, a salad! This is a plague that I have lived with...and I have GOT to get OVER it. I need to be able to go and enjoy something and leave that event, feeling pleasure not guilt. I didn't eat a donut, or a chocolate molten lava cake or a giant steak and potato dinner, I ate a great salad. My mind wanders to the sweet dressing though and how many calories might had been in it, or was that just too many walnuts, or were they too candied or how about that cheese, huh? This kind of thinking is so dangerous and will be my undoing and it is the guilt that I have to break through. I am working on it. I really am and I feel like being aware of that fact that I do it is a huge plus. I was talking to a friend and I told her it is like holding a grudge against myself and I don't like grudges. This is a food grudge and it last for days. It makes me miserable and I try to figure out ways to torture myself to balance whatever it is I ate that I think was so bad. In the winter after the holidays my husband and I are going to go on a trip to stay in a cabin and play in the snow. We will take food to make for ourselves and the LAST thing I want to do is make him feel terrible by seperating what I eat from what he eats. I want to enjoy myself. So I have to find a healthy balance and YES, in life there is a healthy balance. If we don't find that...then it's quits and I will find myself back where I started. I have no intention of doing that. I am committed to myself and learning to work through these changes and subtle nuances that keep popping up in my head and heart. I also challenged myself also to stay off the scale until next Wednesday...so far...so good. The other challenge...water...just eh! On another note...I kicked ass and walked 6 miles yesterday. It kills my big toes though. It's terrible but I push through.

Yee Haw!

This morning I was looking for some pants to wear that were not yoga pants. One pair after another I pulled out of my closet and they were too big. It sucked because it's cold outside. So I went shopping and grabbed 18's and just for grins some 16's. Every pair of 18's I tried on were too big. This is me in size 16. I will take it!!!

Little Pleasures

I had to post a picture of these yummy Fiber Bars from Trader Joe's. I got them yesterday and had one this afternoon and I swore I was eating something naughty. Lately I don't crave nor even have an affection for anything sweet. However when I tasted this thing, I was like...Wow! This is a treat! So for those of my friends that read this and have the luxury of a Trader Joe's available...I recomend these goodies. I eat something like this between meals for the fiber/protein/carbs.

I am challenging myself this week. I got on the scale and it read 223.6 this morning. That is a loss of 48 pounds. I drive myself a little crazy because I get on the scale daily and I really need to stop. So my "Challenge" is to not get back on the scale again until next Wednesday morning. That is my goal and I am sticking to it. Let's see how this goes. My other goal is to drink more water. I have a bladder issue that I am working with a Dr. on and have some tests to be run next week about. I resist drinking water because of it. I need to overcome that. So my other challenge to myself is to drink more water and just "go with the flow". Ha!Ha! I made a joke! I crack myself up. :)

Back to the "slowing down" pace....

My body goes through cycles. I have periods of fast weight loss and then it slows, it happens here and there over the course of a month. I can tell when it is holding on and I am in a holding on pattern. I am not too worried about it. I suppose I would be if I were doing anything different or "cheating" as it were but I am not. I think this is just the bodies way of adjusting to change and it has definitely been through a lot. So it's all good. Just a very few squeeky pounds and I will hit the -50 mark so I think that it is okay to let nature catch up and things sort of settle in. I accepted a 100 mile challenge for the month of November. This means I either walk or run (not happening, running I mean) 100 miles in November. So far it is going great. It has me walking a little further than I normally do but at the same time it is nice to challenge myself to push on and reach further. I am whipped by the time I am done but it's a good whipping. Ha!Ha! I just don't usually walk every day and not that far so I am banking some miles so I can skip a day here or there. I believe you have to do that. We need breaks. Bodies have to rest.