The scale moved....yay!!!!

Tomorrow starts the month of October and my goal is to lose 10 per month. I got on it this morning as I hadn't for a few days and was shocked it had moved a few pounds. Hurray! That means that now I am not quite but close to a 3rd of the way to my October goal already having lost 3 of my October pounds already. So 7 more to go for me and I will be in the 220's and that is an AMAZING, AMAZING thought. Did I say AMAZING? It is freaking AMAZING!!!! I will truly squeel with delight when I see 220 something on that scale! Holy cow! I can also finally see that person in the mirror that is me. That young, bright, happier ME. I see cheek bones and I am beginning to see ME. Now to get comfortable with me. It is kind of exciting to see that person staring back. I just have to get reaquinted with her. My gray hair doesn't quite match that young face but I am not going back to coloring it. Nope. I have earned these silver locks and I love every strand of it. So I am sticking with the Grandma style. Just going to be rocking, a younger, healthier, smilier Grandma body as I continue to work on the inner and outer me. I have to admit that I am a little worried about the dark, cold, and rain that is ahead this winter but I just have to push through that and make it part of what I LOVE instead of what I hate. I believe I can do that. I can find that in me. If it is making me better and leading me to a place of progress then I can finding something good in it. I just have to learn to move safely in in and not slide down the moss. :) I am doing this. I am REALLY doing this. Oh yeah...my shoes will be here today!!!!! Double good news!!!!!!

Thoughts

As I sit here with a sleeping grandbaby in my one arm, I type with the other hand. While I was driving her Mom to work this morning I was thinking many things. One of them was "I could be out walking this early" but the other was how can I make sure this is permanent? I have been down the road of working my ass off to thin only to come to a dead stop and gain everything back. So how do I make sure this time is different? I have so much pain emotionally and I hate the hard work it takes to change. It feels as though fear, past hurt and emotions weigh as much as fat does. I walk up hills I would rather not but I have to. I'd just assume give up some days because it's hard but it is reflective of life. Some of those hills I trudge up literally and I want to stop,  thumb a ride. LOL It doesn't work that way though. I have to get up it on my own. So I guess every time I walk I am climbing my own metaphor. Prayer is in my heart that I will keep fighting,  and keep climbing.  When those stop signs come and I know they will, I just have to look both ways and cross safely and keep moving.  These little toes want a healthy Grandma. I want a healthy me and some freedom from a body that traps me emotionally and physically.

Two Months Ago Today

I started this "new journey" again two months ago today. As of today I am down 32.2 pounds. I am happy with that and it is honestly more than I expected when I started out. I have to admit that I started to get a little greedy and was hoping to squeek out a little more out but honestly, that is a heck of a great loss in two months. So my hope is that things will continue at a steady pace and I can be satisfied with myself. My goal is 10 per month from here on out until February, and then I will look at where I want to go from there because once I am under 200, then I have to set an "end" goal. 175 is really a beautiful number for me but we will see how it goes. I just want to do this one step at a time. One baby step at a time. For now, it is nice to know that I am less than 40 pounds from my original goal and that was to be under 200 by my 50th Birthday. If I stay on track...I do think I may see that for my 49th. Who knows...it could happen.

I am also very excited to say that my sweetheart of a husband told me to go ahead and buy those shoes I have been eyeballin'. So come Tuesday, Mama will have a new pair of shoes. I sure hope they fit. I walked 4 miles today and I was wishing for some magic on my feet. I am not crazy enough to think that shoes will make this easier but a girl can hope, right?

Plateaus suck eggs...

I think I have been sitting on one for more than a week and it stinks. I may have broken through finally but it sucks. I took a break from the scale for a couple of days because it was honestly doing nothing but frustrating me. There is no point in being frustrated when I am doing what I need to be doing. Things will happen. I just need to hang in there.

On another note, tonight I really pushed myself and walked further than I have in a long time. I did 5.32 miles and it really felt amazing. I was dragging the last bit but for the bulk of it my energy was all there and I was enjoying myself. I truly LOVE walking. Yes, there are days I have to push myself out the door but I love it once I am out there. Today was just extra great and knowing I was exceeding my usual made it all the better. I have also found that the music I listen to makes a difference. Junk music doesn't motivate me. I have a "Barlow Girl" station on my Pandora Radio that is Christian Rock and it just makes me feel better. It's a funny thing but while I loves me some Pitt Bull, the nasty stuff just does nothing for my thoughts when I am out walking and trying to clear my head, heart and soul.

Walking In The Rain

Yesterday I didn't let a little rain hold me back. It felt amazing and rewarding in its own way. I live in an area where cold and wet are part of the climate so after a nice summer it appears the season has changed. I just have to plow through it. I need to find the right clothing and attitude and that will keep me warm and dry.

Happily I can say that I had to purchase smaller jeans this week. 2 sizes smaller. I still say I don't see it but my jeans and denim capris were about to fall off of me. That is a victory. Small steps in the right direction.

Eyeballin'

I don't like the shoes I currently have but they were expensive Brooks that I asked for last Christmas. It's hard to rationalize spending over $100 on new shoes BUT, these are Asics and my history with them has been has been awesome! Generally I don't wear anything but until I went with the Brooks. I should have stuck with my instincts. So...I am kind of eyeballing these and trying to decide if I should go ahead and just do it, or wait and reward myself. It could be a Christmas Gift or birthday gift. I don't know. I honestly don't like spending that much on just one thing, on me. We'll see.

My September Goal DONE!

So happy to say I met September goal and I still have over a week and a half left in the month left. I got on the scale this morning and it read 239.8. I did the usual scale dance I do, on and off, and on and off, a couple of times. Happily it stayed put, so I'll take it. Now I can start moving toward that October goal. There is a little motivator in my head and I am sure it is probably not accurate but I can't turn it off for some reason. I kind of look at things like this. If I am at the bottom of a hill, if I have a 100 pound pack on my back, it is going to be twice as hard to get up the hill as if I have a 25 pound pack on my back. So my theory is, the lighter I get, the easier it is going to get to move the weight up the hill. I don't know. I am probably kidding myself because even when I was 175 pounds I really worked out, and it was a hard workout. It just felt different. The energy was different. I guess that is what I am searching for. That better feeling energy instead of the huffing and puffing and struggling to drag my ass up a hill.

Today I went early on my walk. I decided to conquer the "Frog"as I call it or a 3 miler. It involves a long, climbing hill. I was proud of myself because I didn't stop walking. Big Accomplishment. It's hard not to stop, and I don't even think this is this is the mega hard stuff but for some reason as I am chugging up I slow down. Breaks don't help and they put off the inevitable. I just pushed through it and I am glad. I ate a banana today shortly before I left and I am wondering if that helped give me some extra energy along with it being earlier in the day. Maybe. I am just grateful it's done!

I am doing a 5K in December. I am really excited about it. I am walking it and will probably walk it slower than I normally do because I am going to keep pace with a very dear friend. She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis. I count my blessings because I have seen her struggle over the last two years but get better with treatment. She is so happy to be well enough to walk in this 5K. I can't imagine being as young as we are and starting to lose so much mobility in joints. She has told me about how terrible the pain is, even starting her car has been next to impossible at times. I got call one time with her in tears because she couldn't walk down the stairs because she was in so much pain and she didn't what to do. It really hits home how blessed I am. I am so proud of her and this 5K for me will be about sharing a nice long walk with someone who couldn't do that even a year ago for her RA was so bad. Now, she can.

Just some jumbles.

Different things to say. #1: I am now .8 pounds from the goal I set for myself for September. Meaning. Okay, maybe .9. LOL I have lost over 30 pounds now. I still don't really "see" it but some of my clothes are little loser. So that is good. I am just .9 pounds from being in the 230's. so that makes me very happy. EXTREMELY HAPPY! #2: My labs came back and everything was normal except I was vitamin D deficient. This could be huge for me. It could explain a lot of my aches and pains, and be a big contributor to the low energy and depression I have been suffering from. So I have been given a "loading" dose of Vitamin D for 8 weeks, then I will go back and have my blood drawn again. If it is good, then I will start a maintenance dose of the "D". #3: I have decided I need to eat a little more if I can because I am running out of juice later in the day and it is making my walking HARD. I am not hungry but I need to push myself to eat just a little more than I do and carbs are not a sin, it is just the type of carbs that can be bad.

When is this gonna get easier?

I was walking today and found myself really struggling. After 6 weeks you would think this would be getting easier but it isn't. It's hard and I have to push myself up and down the hills. I get really angry and upset. Seriously. When is this going to let up and get easier?

Things that help...

I have found that helps lately is having stuff around the house that I can eat. That is probably common sense but if I don't have food readily available rather than eating something bad...I just don't eat. I am not particularly hungry, don't crave sweets really so it's more a push to eat something rather than a push to avoid food. Lately I have been making crustless quiches which have been a great snack/lunch for me to grab a piece of and it's pure protein. I don't use a recipe, just throw things together and put it in an 8 inch pie plate. I have a ham and green chili one in the oven now. A piece of that with a salad for lunch is perfect.

Last night I went on a long walk. I have been avoiding that walk because I haven't done it in a while and it involves a big hill but I was glad I did it. Now I know I have to go do it again and again. :) When I came to the hill, I just looked at the crest and headed for it. I didn't look down, just straight up where the light was at the crest and it moved me forward. I know I have so many hills to climb to get through this mess, not just one but too many to count. Things get stuck in my brain and I have to shake them out constantly. When I am walking sometimes I think I should be doing this or that too but I know I am still just getting started. I will get where I am going but can't get ahead of myself.

And another thing...ha!ha!

A reminder to myself...when I don't feel like walking...go walking. I always feel so much better afterward. That is all.

Getting down in to the "Weeds"….

I usually don't talk numbers on here because I don't know who will read this other than myself. This is why I do this. I am journaling this for myself and I want to see my progress physically and mentally. I know that at some point I will go back and read this again and wonder where I was "at". So I figured I ought to be honest and make things real and put numbers to things. I hate the numbers. They make me want to vomit but they are a reality. It goes back to wanting to seriously beat me myself up for ever undoing all the good that I did but it's done. I have to do this over again and it sucks horse balls? How's that for a visual. Sorry but I am honest. Anyway…So on July 25, I weighed in at 271.something. This morning I weigh 246.4. So that puts me at a loss of approx. 25 pounds so far give or take. The weird thing is my clothes aren't falling off me, and I don't look in the mirror and go "Wow! I can really see this" but I feel better. My knees don't hurt as bad. My back pain is getting better. I think that I have had the beginnings of plantar whatever you call it and that seems to be lessoned. I have to wear shoes during the day or my feet hurt though. My plan or goal has been to be under 200 by my 50th birthday which is in like over 17 months from now. I think at the rate I am going, it is quite possible that I could be under 200 by my 49th if I lose 10 per month. If I don't then that is fine too. I want to keep my head about this. I NEED TO KEEP MY HEAD ABOUT THIS. I have done the speed thing before and though it was awesome to suddenly be thin, it didn't last and I really need to remember all my mistakes. I have even considered that perhaps I should go to see a counselor this time and work through this. Weight is a lot of things and it not just the result of eating. It is years of hiding from something, it is an big security blanket and losing it is letting it be torn away and being exposed. When I was thin, it was hard to give myself permission to really be okay with being proud of me, happy with how I looked and comfortable in that body I was so unfamiliar with. It just didn't feel right. It just wasn't "ME". However, now this isn't about being "thin". This is about being healthy and trying to fix some of the health issues that are starting to crop up because of not taking care of my body. I have a young family. I still have a son in elementary school. I have a Grandbaby that I babysit and it is a chore to chase her around and it takes lots of energy. I have a husband who is amazing and I want to be able to do fun things with him and not use lame excuses.
So, this is a journey to health, not a journey to skinny. This is a journey to a better life for me and my family. It is hard, and it is work, crazy hard work and sometimes I don't want to do it. I don't want to eat, I don't want to figure out dinner for everybody, I don't want to walk…I just want some magic but it doesn't happen that way. That is why I pray for strength constantly because there no other power than that which I can be given by my Heavenly Father that will get me there. I have strayed completely from the religion of my youth, but I don't flounder in my faith in God and my belief in Christ. I have unwavering faith in the power of prayer. When I walk, sometimes depending on what is going on…my walk can be nothing but a long prayer in progress. I know that is what is going to get me there. So that is where I am at today. I am going to shoot for 10 pound increments per month or 5 at least and that would make me happy. I say that but I think I would be disappointed if it wasn't 10. However I know 5 would be really the healthier thing for me. I just have to see what happens. A big obstacle for me right now is also drinking enough water because I have an incredibly weak bladder and if I drink too much water than I can't go for a walk in the evening. Last thing I want is to get caught ditching behind a tree to pee. I never would but that is what it feels like I need to do sometimes. Ha!Ha! No portopotties on my trails.

I don't see it yet.

I am posting a pic from today. I took it for a friend of mine at her insistence. I am not smiling and my hair isn't brushed but it's me. I personally don't see the difference yet. I feel a slight difference but I know things are changing. At least the scale is saying so.

Feeling so motivated!

I can't begin to describe how happy I feel. I just feel motivated and that is because what I am doing is working and I am seeing progress. It really makes me feel good about myself and my ability to acomplish the goal I set for myself. I went to the Dr. today, my MD. When I got on the scale there, fully clothed I was in a completely different range of weight than I have been in 2 years. I haven't weighed in my birthday suit but guessing when I do that puts me about 23/24 pounds in about 6 weeks. That is a lot more weight than I want to lose in that amount of time in the future but it has given me a giant boost. I'd love to be in the 5-7-10 lb. range per month from here on out. My walks are my time to just unwind and they help me not only physically but mentally. I really missed them when I was on my trip home to visit family. I will be babysitting my Grandbaby again soon as her Mother goes back to work. I am thankful that she will be getting off early enough in the day that I will still have "MY" time to walk. Where I walk it would be difficult to push a stroller, and part of getting there is along a busy road. I don't feel very safe taking my little grand person along. I also feel very selfish about that 40-60 minutes that is mine to get healthy, to clear my head, to pray, to ponder. I don't want to lose it. It is key to my success. I had a bunch of labs done today as well at the Dr. It will be good to find out where I am at, cholesterol, sugar, and my thyroid, and even Vitamin D. So if anything needs to be dealt with, we can work on that and things can only get better. I see nothing but progress. Yay!