That I just sit and look at the pictures that scroll on the screen of this blog and remember. I have pride and I have sadness. It's hard not to have both. It's kind of like looking back on my life and seeing my individual accomplishments and thinking about how proud of myself I am for those great things I have done. I can also look back on my life and think of the things I have screwed up and wish I hadn't and emotionally beat myself up a bit about it but I cannot turn back the hands of time. I have to learn from those experiences and keep asking myself "what led me to that"?
In the grand scheme of things all I want is to be free from some of the discouragement I feel. My husband is about to be advanced to a rank that I don't know even expected before retiring but it is a great honor and huge responsibility. The last time he advanced I wasn't there to watch him get his "stars" or even help pin them on him because I was embarrassed to be seen. I didn't want anyone to know I was his wife because "I was fat!" I didn't want to embarrass him. Now there is this huge advancement and this is as high as it gets for him and I don't want to miss it. I don't this time...I will not let my esteem and discouragement prevent me from sharing that moment. I am SO proud of him.
I feel in many ways I let my family down. I visualize it as a huge basketball game with the fans cheering and the team winning and everyone feeling awesome because they know their team is going to win. The "underdog" is finally gonna do it! Then in the last seconds of the game...then underdog stops trying and gives up on the game and they lose. And the underdog gives up and never tries again. It's a huge disappoint for everyone who believed they could win! They knew that they could. My family believed in me and cheered me on...and showed their love and support for me like crazy. People say in my pictures that as I shrunk my smile got bigger. I think it was because as my face was getting smaller it just made my mouth more noticeable. LOL. No, I am sure I smiled more. As I look though...they smiled more because I was happy.
So I have to now take all these moments and thoughts and put them in a giant mixing bowl and construct a plan that helps me learn from these experiences. What can I do to overcome obstacles and rather than tell myself I can't do it again...know that I indeed can. I can, there is no reason why I can't. I definitely have seen myself accomplish this on my own, I have the knowledge and I know it can be done.
I also feel very drawn to rely on my Savior at this time. I think so much of that is because of the influences that have been raging in my home lately. I should have always turned to him but right now...I need "Mommy Power" not just physically but spiritually. As I have heard my entire life...I need to put on the "whole armor of God" and fight like I have never before.
If you read my blog at all...eventually they will get to the meat and potatoes of how I am doing this and my progress. I will say that since I have really gotten going in the last two weeks I have lost about 9.5 pounds. So I am making progress. It feels to know my goal is attainable.
Off to eat some high fiber oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast! Here is to a day filled with prayer, study and then picking up toys, vacuuming, dishwashing, playing Mom taxi, planning dinner, etc,etc,etc. Sounds so familiar to many I am sure.
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