Almost Had A Meltdown

Something is wrong. I don't know what it is...but it's something and I don't like it. I gave in and went to the Dr. yesterday. I am sick of being tired and dizzy. As well as I eat, and the exercise that I get...I should feel on top of the world but I don't...and that sucks. Then a week ago I start this thyroid medicine...and "supposedly" that is going to do nothing more than replace something my body isn't making enough of on it's own. I have people tell me that I should lose even more weight taking it. Here I am doing exactly what I have been doing for how many months???? And I get on the scale and my weight is up 3.5 pounds. 3.5 freaking pounds.... Do you want to talk about hyperventilating? If I have been eating cheeseburgers, sugar...not exercising....screwing around...okay but NOPE, haven't been doing that. I had to stop myself before the flood of tears just came...because they were coming....and say NO....I am not going to let myself do this. I knew when I got below 200 pounds that the last 40 pounds or so were going to be the fight of my life. I knew it was going to be really hard. I just didn't think it was going to feel like digging a hole in the sand on the beach where the darn water keeps coming and filling the hole back in just as soon as I am close to being done....but what do I do? I reach down and I keep digging harder...and eventually I'll make it....the tide changes eventually and I'll win. So whatever it is that is going on right now won't last...and I am NOT going to let this swallow me...because it easily could. I see I am smaller, I feel smaller, I look smaller...I don't know where I am hiding 3.5 pounds on me but whatever....I'll go to the gym and take it out on the treadmill and add 3.5 pounds plus to my weights and throw that around for a while.

The Dr. has ordered a 1 1/2 page list of blood tests to be done tomorrow. I think I might as well give them a pint. I am thankful she is as pro-active as she is. She is covering EVERYTHING. I will also have a thyroid ultrasound tomorrow, a chest x-ray, and a carotid artery Doppler done. She did an EKG in her office. THEN, I get to go back to the cardiologist for a full work up, and to a neurologist....yay me! Hopefully they can figure it out....and it is something like I am hypoglycemic and something simple like that...or low iron.

While driving today alone after dropping off the eldest at school...my mind was just wandering. I was just thinking how lucky I am. Some songs come on the radio that take me back and remind me to the days when I first my sweetheart. He is more than "just a guy"....with a heart bigger than the ocean. He has loved me unconditionally from the get go and put up with you name it....and we have grown together. I honestly look forward to those days in the future with him... our wrinkled hands, and slow steps....with so many experiences behind us. I know he and I will curl up together at night and remember this or that and feel so satisfied. He is my hero...my rock...my support...my best friend. I am truly "just a girl" who was given a gift when the Lord sent him to me.

The Journey Of A Lifetime

That is what this feels like it has been. I don't know what all the other attempts were before but this one has finally been that final journey....the one that will last.

Any other time I avoided talking to people about the changes they saw in me...now I don't mind sharing with them the hows and why I have done this. There is no big magic secret to this...it's common sense really. The key for me has been to not give up and to hang on. There is something to be said for having faith in yourself. It's okay to really love yourself and believe that you can do something. Once upon a time I thought it was a big "No-No" to have that kind of confidence in my abilities...and now I know differently.

Lately I have been incredibly tired. I hadn't been able to figure out exactly why. I have also been struggling with dizziness. There have been times while on the treadmill or elliptical I worry that I might pass out and fortunately I haven't. I have put off going to the Dr. because that always seems to snowball when I go there...one thing leads to another and so on. Two weeks ago I went in for a routine cholesterol screen and liver screen and I guess she screened my thyroid. I got a call that my liver was great...cholesterol great (though HDL is not great and I suppose will never be thanks to my "gene pool") but that my thyroid test came back low. Dr. wanted me to do a retest. I thought it was odd and "out of the blue" but I went back and did the blood work again and it came back low again. So in my research....I found that fatigue and dizziness can be symptoms of low thyroid...especially the fatigue. We are talking "run over by a MACK truck" here. The Dr. put my on a low dose of thyroid meds and I go to see her in a couple of weeks. I have to say that I already feel a lot better. I am not 100% but it's so much better. For as well as I eat, and as great as I am about getting my exercise in...I should feel so good. I am hoping that will come eventually.

I am down 93 pounds now. I told my hubby that I am not sure where I will settle as far as a number goes with my weight. I figure I am looking at another 35 pounds or so. My focus is going to change here in a bit and shift over to body fat percentage as I decide just how much of that I would like to have on me. What a change, huh? The more I work out at the gym and I learn about muscle, metabolism...and what a beautiful machine the body is...the more I think I want to help mine operate at it's peak performance. Maintaining a good lean muscle mass to fat mass will help the metabolism and I know I will look and feel my best. This will also put me in the best form for when I finally get my tummy tuck and perhaps I won't have to have such a drastic procedure done then.

It's funny to me how my life has changed...I have changed. Just when I think I have "me" all figured out...I learn at 43 years old that I am not the girl I thought I was. I am stronger, better, and more in control. I look forward to a longer, healthier life with those I love and I am filled with hope for a super bright future. I am renewed.

Selfish Lady Sends.....

Not always the one BEHIND the camera anymore.

Once upon a time there would hardly ever be pictures found of me because I didn't want them taken. Now...it's okay. ha!ha! My hubby however has taken a liking to getting the gratuitous butt shots! Silly man!

Almost 90 Pounds...

I can hardly believe that.

My sweet husband was telling me how different I am last night. I told him that it's so much more than weight. I feel like I have let go of so much...like I have taken off a cloak of many things that I can finally let go of.

Today Justin and I went on a long walk and I was filled with emotion...I often get that way. This has been such a journey of me...and finding myself.....losing my old self too. It feels good. That is what feels so permanent now because of what has happened in my heart and head instead of counting carrots, carbs and how many oz of water I drink. I am glad I went about this differently finally. I woke up...doing it that way NEVER worked for me....because it never was about that stuff so much as it was more about "WHY" I was doing what I was doing. That is where all the effort has been this time...while I am walking, walking, walking....my wheels have been turning...and I have been working on me. As I have been blogging I have been revealing pieces of "me". I have been chipping away at it....and this much smaller, much more confident woman has emerged who is not crippled by the events of my life or mistakes I have made in the past. I am strong...and so capable. If I can conquer this...well, I feel unstoppable.

Selfish lady sends.

I'll NEVER be this girl again.....

I am not a huge fan of "Miley Cyrus" but while driving alone yesterday I heard a song and the words grabbed me....and I wanted to share the lyrics with you. (I just cut and pasted them so please forgive the way they run together) That along with this picture will be all the blogging I do today....Much love to all on this Mother's Day. :)

The Climb

I can almost see it, that dream I’m dreaming but There’s a voice inside my head sayin,You’ll never reach it,Every step I’m taking,Every move I make feels Lost with no direction My faith is shaking but I Got to keep trying Got to keep my head held high
There’s always going to be another mountain I’m always going to want to make it move Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose, Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb
The struggles I’m facing, The chances I’m taking Sometimes might knock me down but No I’m not breaking I may not know it But these are the moments that I’m going to remember most yeah Just got to keep going And I, I got to be strong just keep pushing on, cause
There’s always going to be another mountain I’m always going to want to make it move Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes I’m gonna to have to lose, Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb (yeah)
There’s always going to be another mountain I’m always going to want to make it move Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes you going to have to lose, Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb
Keep climbing Keep the faith baby It’s all about It’s all about The climbKeep the faith Keep your faith

I'm in the "Hundred's Club" Baby!

I did it! I did it! I didity idy id it! Some one break out and sing.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uCm1N-vSHI&feature=related

So ya wanna know what I did? I bawled....didn't scream, no jumping up and down...didn't wake the entire house up like I thought I might.....I just stood there....naked as the day I was born on that scale and cried. I cried because I DID IT! Kicked that sucker 200 hundred out of my way and here I go, here I go....anywhere I want to be...here I go...go...go. I am so proud!

Now on to the next goal....which is somewhere "out there" but another 24-40 pounds away. That is a play by play goal...It's negotiable. Once I get there...then I'll set new goals.

What an awesome Mother's Day gift!

That "WALL" will be tumbling down

But I swear....that "breath away" is taking its time. Could I be any closer? Ha!Ha! What do you think? Tomorrow maybe? Let me tell you...I have pee'd, and waited, and pee'd...and waited and finally gave up weighing any more this morning. It is just not happening today. LOL. I will wrestle the scale tomorrow.

Yesterday I ran half way around this huge ditch we have in our subdivision. I can't think of how far it was but it was a good ways. It was the the longest I have run. At first I was thinking I would run to one group of trees, then I pushed myself to go further, then further and so on...then I decided to run to the bridge...I thought I would stop at the bridge but for some reason...it was just symbolic that I cross the bridge. I needed to cross the bridge before I stopped even though it was getting really hard. I did it. I was so emotional by the time I stopped that I was in tears. All I could say was..."I am not a fat girl any more...I can do this". I can do this...I can do anything. I know now that I am capable of accomplishing anything if I have enough faith in myself. This journey that I am on has had a small bit to do with diet and exercise and a HUGE bit to do with digging down in my heart and head and figuring out ME. That is what has made this work....I have not given up on me....I finally have learned to not let all the little things that pushed me to make stupid choices that let me to be a really "fat" girl make those choices again....The emotional eating has been replaced by exercise and yep, blogging...and FACEBOOK...hahahahaha and things that are not negative. No more self destruction. Seriously...life is too short for that and I lead by example....and I want to teach my children to be strong and make good choices.

Sunday is Mother's Day and of course I think it is a rather silly "Hallmark" day as we should celebrate our Mother's all the time. I think less about how I should be honored as a Mother and more about the tremendous gratitude I feel to be a mother. My house is littered with dirty clothes and toys, hands out for money for this or that, notes from school, runny noses, taxi service here there and every where, etc....it's trying to figure out meals that are creative with picky palates, and buying clothes only to have them too small just a few short months later and then doing it all over again....It is never feeling like you can keep up. I wish I could stand in the face of time and yell STOP! I wish my teens weren't too cool to be hugged sometimes. (they aren't all the time...just depends on the moods...you know those moods!) I wish I didn't have to face that fact that my baby who is no longer a baby but my eldest will walk across the stage next year to graduate and then off to college she goes. I see my son's voice sinking deeper in to the depths of young manhood as he begs for good smelling cologne and talks of looking nice and girls.

Each one of them changes every day and I can't stop it....I want to and I don't want to.....I love them....and I am just beyond words. I love them so much and so honored to be their mother. I am so proud of them. I think they are the greatest kids in the world...they are not perfect...they are kids...they do what kids do...messy rooms, using the phone too much, not cleaning up after themselves....they do what kids do best....and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I thank them for making me a Mother. I think having them has been one of the most difficult and magical experiences of my life. I hope and pray constantly that at the end of it all they can stand back and say I was a pretty good Mom who did the best she could. I know I certainly couldn't love them more....they have my heart...that is for sure. Kelley, Katie, Logan and Justin....Thank you.

I am grateful to my Mother and I love her very much. Without her and all she has done for me throughout my life, I would not be the person I am now....I owe her so much.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day weekend.

Selfish Lady sends....

This is going to be THE week!

I tearfully type that because I know THIS is my week. I am going to the gym in a little while and I kind of feel like the "Biggest Loser" going to the last chance workout out before the big weigh in. The scale has been stuck for a couple of days...as it tends to do every 2-3 weeks for me and then BOOM, I will see a big drop. I know that drop is coming around the pike and it will set me below my 200. I got on there this morning and I am getting so close....I have no doubt it's going to happen this week. That thought takes my breath away and makes me so proud. It is really hard to put it in to words so I won't try to because the just don't touch the magnitude. You go from feeling such profound pain for so long to releasing that and embracing such pride...This is when I am reminded that I am a daughter of God and he loves me and HE has strengthened me. I am so thankful for my family. I cannot begin to say how much I appreciate them. I have a dry erase board in the kitchen where I write things down and I always have my weight loss so far written down there and they watch that number and see if it's changed. When it does they just cheer for me. Every one of the does it and it makes me really feel like this has been important for them to see. My sweet husband likes to pick at me but then he is probably my biggest fan. I know I spend so much time focused on me, I spend a lot of $ on high fiber this and that but you can't argue with the results and he doesn't. :) I'm a lucky girl!

Last night I experimented with something and I thought it was tasty. It was tough but tasty...ha!ha! Venison to me is always tough...I am not the master when it comes to game meats...Leese...Holly, someone...educate me. LOL Anyway, I made a marinade with strawberry balsamic, olive oil, course ground mustard, garlic, cracked pepper, kosher salt and then herbs from my garden. (thyme, rosemary and parsley) I marinated some backstrap tenderloins for about 4 hours in that. Then I threaded those on to rosemary stalks and grilled them and they were tasty...just chewy. I ate that with grilled yellow squash and grilled red peppers and then some awesome Kashi rice I found. It's a high protein, high fiber rice that is already cooked. It was a fiesta blend and it was 8 grams of proteins and then 7 grams of fiber in a serving. Of course a serving is 1 cup and that is 210 calories so NO, I didn't eat that much, I ate 1/4 cup of it. But it was really good though. I did use 1/2 a cup of it this morning though and believe it or not....cooked it with a tsp of olive oil and then mixed in 1/3 cup of my egg beaters and cooked them together for breakfast. I had 2 cubes of watermelon and 8 oz of milk, so that was breakfast.
So it was a super good breakfast and power packed for my big workout at the gym this morning.

We bought another basil plant to put in the garden. One just isn't enough. This year was a trial/error thing with gardening. We are going to do a winter one so we'll learn from out mistakes and get better and better at it. We have also started a compost box...it is so fun to have something to toodle around with in the back yard. Kent was saying how fun it will soon be to teach Justin to go out and pick the green peas off the vine and eat them. Of course if he does that there won't be any left to cook for a meal...LOL I just can't wait until those pumpkins actually look like pumpkins...he is going to have a fit over those and of course they are going to over-run the back yard and we are going to have to figure out how to keep them from taking over the other plants.

Oh well, enough blogging....must get on with my day....much to do..

Have a great one.

Selfish lady sends.....

I must be feeling brave

Because I am willing to post a new picture of me in my new bathing suit no less! Ha! Ha!

Check out my garden! It is growing like crazy. We are so looking forward to eating out of it soon. I have made some pesto twice from my basil and parsley and had a few cherry tomatoes but won't be long and my yellow squash will be ready and I am going to have an abundance of tomatoes. I have cucumber flowers, my bell peppers are coming in, I have egg plant flowers, my green beans are growing, and the thing that makes me laugh is the pumpkin plant...the flowers on that are going nuts. I did that for fun for the kids...and well, I don't know how long it takes to grow jackolanterns but well, we are going to have a bunch by the looks of it.

I went to my Zumba class again and it was a butt kicker and I loved it. What an amazing workout. My heart rate was up to 180 at one point which is TOO high actually....175 is 96% for me...so that's high. I was sweating and smiling so it was awesome. I am sure I'll do that class a couple of times a week for my cardio. I'll be doing the weight training 3 times a week, arms one day, legs another and then abs/core on the other.

Now, I got some excellent news yesterday which thrilled me to no end. I met with my trainer and we did my body "age" which is a computerized program. They put me through a series of tests and checked my physical strength, stretching ability, and then my body fat, weight, height, put that with a whole series of other information like my medical information...like cholesterol numbers, blood pressure, etc....and they gave me my new "goal". My trainer had said that she'd like to see me at a body fat % of 25 and that would have my ideal weight 174, if I get it down to 20%, it'll be more like 163. This is what the computer models say is the ideal weight given all my measurements, and all those factors figured in. What is so cool is that means....that once I break 200, I am 25-35 pounds from my goal. 200 is just a breath away. So I am thrilled. I feel like I would like to shoot for the 20% body fat as 157 was my original goal so that is what I am setting my site on. Once I get there, then I will re-evaluate and set a new goal. I may be interested in weight training to really define and shape my body. One step at a time though...that will come after I reach my goal, have my tummy tuck and take a good look at what I have to work with.

Oh What A Feeling...Dancing Until Your Beet Red..

And that feels great. I went to a "Zumba" class yesterday at the gym. I have always wanted to take one...I have always been a dancy dance kind of girl with rhythm and I knew I would love it. I was not disappointed. What a work out and so much fun. It was awesome and I could become so addicted to that.

I go back to the gym this morning to meet again with my trainer to go over the core and upper body workouts and do a "body age" test and get an idea what my goal weight should be. When I got on the scale for her she said she understood why I was confused as to why I am uneasy about knowing what my goal should be. She said she would have not guessed that I weighed more than 170. I have always carried weight well...it there is such a thing and so I haven't looked like I weighed as much as I did. I have a big frame, heavy structure so it's hard to gauge what I "should" weigh.

Justin loves going to the gym. He loves playing with new friends and I have noticed the last two nights he is tired and ready for bed. He has actually gone to bed early with no troubles at all. So it's been a good thing for him.

Now, I have to find a balance. After today I will have a program....I'll know the whole routine that the trainer wants me to use with the equipment, how often, etc. My personal goal is to be able to set aside the time each day to do this...get it done and then proceed with the rest of my day and accomplish the things that I need to as a wife and mother. This "selfish lady" has been consumed and I need to be....I have been so focused on me and all of this.... and then I get distracted by things I would rather be doing like playing on the computer and I neglect the stuff that I am not that fond of doing like laundry....dishes....vacuuming....I am sure you all know the drill. My goal now is to work on this balance....blending it all together. I hate feeling overwhelmed and focusing on one thing seems to help me not feel that way but I have to reach out some. Fortunately I have older kids who are capable of doing their part....I just need to work on my parenting skills and get them to do it as we go....instead of blowing up when it's gotten beyond control. Aren't they supposed to read our minds? Aren't they supposed to know if they make a mess they should clean it up? LOL Oh well, baby steps....maybe I will be the perfect parent by the time I am finished raising #4.....no wait.... I am #4 in my family and I have heard tell....you are never done raising them.

Off to the gym...

Selfish Lady sends........ Have a great day!