Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Size 12's and a very dirty mirror and other things...because it's Wednesday.

I have been eyeballing these pants at Old Navy. They are called Pixie cut and they remind me of old style pants worn in the 50's and 60's. My sister sent me a gift card for my birthday so this what I went for. I got two pair and am thrilled that the 14's were just on their way to big so it had to be the 12's. Very comfy and something besides jeans....yay!!!!! Please forgive the very dirty mirror in my daughter's bedroom but alas it is the only full length one in the house and I was too lazy to clean it.

So today is Wednesday and I have some things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. First all, just for records sake my weight on the scale was 186.6. That leads me to what has been on my mind. I have had a serious obsession with the scale for a long time. In many ways I feel like it keeps me on track. In other ways I feel like it makes me loose my focus about "me" and my purpose in doing this and it becomes all a number and less about taking care of me, and enjoying life, and doing what is good for body and soul. I was driving around talking to myself yesterday because I am my best counselor and we had a conversation and I thought about a challenge. I asked myself if I could put away the scale for 1 month not to see how much I could lose in that month but to see if I could break the cycle of obsession. Can I paint a picture? Every morning I get up and go in the bathroom, go pee and then I strip to nothing and I pull the digital scale out and balance it between the tiles. I get on it and look and then I get off. Then I get back on it two or 3 more times at least. Some days I move it around the bathroom just to be "sure" it's right. This is every morning. Once I feel confident that I have the accurate weight, I get dressed again and get on with my day. That's no way to be....every, freaking day.
I told myself when I started this journey that I wanted it to be about a change in my life, about a change in the way I took care of my health, my family, my focus and I was/am looking for a "feeling" and not a number. Well, I have a number stuck in my head right now and that scale is the key to it . It is my ball and chain right now. I feel amazing and I am not right where I want to be but oh so close. If I can just stop this cycle now and get on with life then perhaps I can ease down to where my "goals" are in a gentle way without being so psycho about the scale.
My challenge for myself is...and this will be harder than any food/exercise challenge is to stay off the scale for 1 month. It is Wednesday, March 4. I weighed. So my goal is not to get back on the scale again until, Wednesday April 1. Again, it is not so much about how much I can lose in a month though I want to...it's about breaking a cycle and liberating myself.

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