I caved....

I got up today...Wednesday and tried really, REALLY hard to avoid the scale. I have been sooo...sooo...sooo...good for a week at ignoring it. I have been walking and just being me. For some reason the fact that it is Wednesday set a light bulb in my head and I just couldn't stand it. So I stripped and jumped on with the excuse that I wanted to see if if "not getting on" was really having an affect. So yeah it is. 184.6 now.  I am down 87 pounds and less than 10 from my 175 goal or less than 15 from my 170 goal. I am still floating as to where I am going to go. I also don't know what I am going to do when I get "THERE" because I don't have a shut off switch. I am not going to get to that weight and be able to say "I am done" and stop doing what I am doing. That makes no sense. In fact I am not really doing anything in extremes right now now so it is going to come down to what this ol' body has in store for me but those are my personal goals and what I would be thrilled with. I have been trying to run a little more on my walks. Nothing marathon worthy but sprinting and maybe adding a quarter mile in here and there which makes me feel awesome and is great cardio. This will sound super vain but for the first time in my life when I see my shadow and I am running, I think..."I look good as a runner". Do I feel great as a runner????....not after a few minutes but it is getting better. I wonder sometimes what people see in running. I have clocked my pace and I don't run that much faster than I walk so I don't get there that much sooner but I don't think but it is a workout. My legs start to feel like lead weights after a while. I am going to keep trying and see it goes. I usually do it on flats or down hills. I have not been brave enough to attempt the uphills yet but who knows. The other day I was climbing the "HILL" that I hate and I was amazed at the fortitude I took it with. I place a line in the horizon with my eyes and focused there and just went for that and I got there so fast and with such ease. It is amazing how NOT carrying 87 pounds up a hill can make difference. My 9 year old son doesn't weigh 87 pounds. I still worry and that is not a bad thing it is being aware of gaining it back or losing my footing. We move in just over 14 months from now and that will be to who knows where and will require and complete change in my routine and I have to be able to adjust. That can really trip up a person. So I am trying my hardest to be firm in what I do, and have this so embedded in my life and actually our life that it will all come naturally. I was thinking yesterday as I was on my last few steps of a good 5+ mile walk that I am so looking forward to this summer because I want to get out and hike and kayak and LIVE. Being trapped in a body and hiding from the world and people be it friends, family or strangers is no fun. I have done that because of shame and lack of confidence. I have avoided invitations to parties and gatherings because I didn't know what the seating was going to be and there is nothing quite like being afraid you might break a chair. That is reality, hurtful, painful but truthful. I have wanted to get in a kayak and have admired them but feared my ass was too big and I'd never be able to pull it out if it rolled over. I have watched videos I have taken in the past and I can hear myself breathing...this heavy, heavy breathing. It is so strange not be aware of how this coat of weight takes it toll. I even think of going to activities at my 3rd graders school and cringing at having to sit in those child sized chairs in the classroom and now, I fit right in and am comfortable. I don't know who reads all of this....it's just babble really for me. I put these words out there for me mainly so I can come back when I need to be shot back down to earth. All of this is outrageously hard and painful and at the same time joyful because I am freeing myself. Every word I write is a word of memory or encouragement so when it gets tough, or I want to give up, or I am dropping off the planet....I can come back to reality and center myself. Having an issue with weight is not something I wanted to have as one of my life's battles but it is. It seems unfair to be a great good with a good taste palate, and creative in the kitchen but not able to eat just anything without it affecting my weight. I can use my talents to re-create and build better dishes though that are healthy, hearty and work in a life of living that is better for me and my family without feeling like we are missing out on something. That is an area I need to build on. Lately I have been focused on other things (like chalk paint) and tend to take the easy way out with eating so I have lots of room to grow. My Wednesday blog post ended up so much longer than usual but I am motivated and thrilled with my progress. I don't see a finish line because there is no finish line. There is a place a place of comfort where I hope to find myself and ease into and stay forever and live my wild and crazy life with my family in a very active way differently than I have been for the last 49 years.