194 Today.

It's a loss but nothing huge. I will take whatever I can get.

Confession....I binged....

I was very frustrated yesterday because I was mad at the scale. It had climbed. It just didn't feel like it should have and I was angry and hungry and wanted to do something to punish myself I guess. What a way to get back at the world huh? I did something that will sound really funny but I felt like I needed to do. I binged. I needed to just eat something and get it out of my system. The funny part is what I binged on. 2 pieces of chocolate. (60 calories a piece), a large blueberry,banana, unsweetened coconut milk and chia see smoothie (probably 300 calories) but the biggest binge was munching on granola. So that is what I binged on. I didn't eat a burger, or a chocolate cake or make it anything really worth eating....I did that deliberately. I wanted to eat...I just didn't want to eat anything really bad. It's not right, not the way to handle frustration but it's done. I got on the scale and it's down again today. I am not saying it is down because of what I did but I am glad it's down. I think sometimes we just need to let out hair down and stick our face in a bowl if it will get our mind out of that place it's in. My brain was there and needed to be shaken out of it. So I don't regret it. What I am happy about it is that I don't have those overwhelming feelings as I once did that I should throw my hands in the air and give up that all is lost. Nope, on the contrary. I have every reason to keep going. I know this last stretch is going to be a real stinker for me but realistically if it takes longer to get it off, it will stay off and my body is going to have time to adjust to these changes. It is really a good thing...not bad at all. It's encouraging.

Giving myself a bit of a rough time.

I have a bad habit over scale hovering...yep, I am doing it again. Every freaking day I climb "Mt. Scale" and well today it was up a couple of ounces and I was a little pissed off about it. Realistically I know that ounces and even a pound or two is possible but I just don't want to see it. That is why getting on the scale daily is really not a good idea. I just feel like it keeps me in check when I do but on those rare occasions when I see what I saw this morning it makes me feel like crap. Awe...I really shouldn't go there but I do and I know that it's not a healthy normal. Gotta let it go, so I am.

I didn't go walk today. I did something different. I did my weights and then I stretched and boy that felt great. I was amazed at my flexibility. I can even do a hand stand. That is unbelievable to me. I am sure I am going to be crazy sore tomorrow but it was fun. I even got my husband and kids in on the fun and they all tried it. My husband was the only successful one. His was actually the best.

The hill I hate....

I was walking today and took a different loop but it still brought me back to the infamous hill...this HILL. I need to give it a name but I haven't figured out what yet. Back in August I struggled up that darn hill and thought I'd never make it but I did. Now...I still push myself up that hill and I am 77 pounds lighter and I still don't like it. Ha!Ha! I tell myself it is all mental. One of these days I am just going to run up it and then turn around and say "take that! Hah!" Okay, probably not. It is going to be that one stupid hill that I will always climb that I allow myself to just dislike. The good thing is...even though I dislike it...I still walk it. It's a good hill....sometimes I chant "buns and thighs" because I know that is what it is good for and yes I do that in my best Arnold voice.

Wednesday...

That means it's jump on the scale day. Admittedly I do that all week because I am obsessed. 194.8 today. Sunday was my Grandbaby's birthday and I am happy to report that I actually had a touch of cream cheese spinach dip, and just a touch of her cake and I didn't beat myself up over it. It felt really good. I am slipping in to a relaxed place of less anxiety and just working on what I need to work on. I walk, I eat good foods but I am also not so hard on myself either. It feels good. I have ordered two pair of "goal jeans". I bought a new pair of jeans yesterday and a new pair of jammies in size large. They are cute. I am just tired of things being huge. My goal jeans are 12's and my new jeans are 14's. I have a few other pair of 14's I wear but wanted another pair of jeans. Yesterday I went to a new place for a good walk and then a went to a little town near by to window shop. It was awesome just to get out and explore and have such good energy. This morning as I was heading down the basement stairs I was reminded of how hard it used to be to trudge down those stairs and now I can just bounce down them. Awesome.

It's Wednesday

And the scale said 197. 74.6 down. Hurray. No really, hurray! ☆☆☆☆☆☆ 27 more to go. Wow. Feels like an uphill climb but I will get there.

Feeling weird...

This is that time when I start to get a little freaky about things. My mind,heart,head and physical all need to catch up to one another. I took this picture this morning when I was in my son's room. (Pardon the mess) I was taken back by that person I saw in the mirror. I have just been feeling foul and frustrated lately. Then I see that reflection and I know I am changing. I can't verbalize it. Maybe I just shouldn't try to. I will go walk it off and sort it out this afternoon.

Wednesday=Weigh Day

198.4 today. That makes me incredibly happy to see. It has been kinda of glum here lately, dark and drizzly. I took a good walk yesterday and will grab another this afternoon. I thought we were supposed to see the sun but so far it is gray and foggy. It helps to get out in it and keep pushing along. I took my daughter with me to drop of so many bags of clothes at Goodwill this morning. I have purged my closet and dresser of everything that is too big. I am down to the few things that fit mixed in with a few things that are on their way to being to big soon. Tomorrow I am taking a look at a used jogging stroller as I am keeping the baby 3 days a week during the school week, and on the weekends. I just don't want that to prevent me in any way from being able and getting a walk in. So I am going to check this one out and see if it will work out for what I need. I think if I can keep her warm, she will actually enjoy the walks.

Today is MONDAY, January 5, 2015 and I am a ONSIE!!!!

199.4 Oh yeah! I am so excited! Finally! I have actually spent the week in a really weird place. I haven't been too worried about things. I have been eating right, and walking but I have also allowed myself more wiggle room I guess. I have tried to eat more with my family. Last night I made a yummy dinner and actually sat and ate most everything with them with the exception of the mashed potatoes. I ate a baked sweet potato instead. I fought the head games and honestly didn't know what the scale had in store for me today. The other night my hubby and I went to dinner and I made what I felt like was a relatively safe choice for dinner though I know the Béarnaise sauce was not cool. I chose extra veg instead of a starch and only ate half of the meal. I still had these awful mind games going on during the ride home, perhaps even before we left the restaurant. It was as if I could feel myself growing right there, getting fatter. I can't do that. It just doesn't happen that way and I KNOW BETTER. Having thoughts like that diminish good experiences and will ruin my opportunity for success. This is one of the reasons why I see a strong need to plan more meals, experiment more and start having more fun in the kitchen with my family. I love to cook/bake/create and this is my opportunity to do so while getting to that final goal and then learning to maintain my weight. So now that I am under 200, I have 25-30 pounds to go to be in what I consider a safe/happy place. That will be a great weight for me for my build/height. LOTS of working ahead of me but I know I can do it...the real work will be keeping it off once I get there and staying excited about my health, happiness. I want to find something other than walking that I can enjoy doing that builds strength and endurance. I need more hobbies. I will have to keep my eyes/ears peeled but I am honestly so excited about the prospects that having a leaner, healthier body will offer me.

Happy New Years!

201.2 ....A slow week for me but that's okay. I have enjoyed walks, and my family and a continuance of my journey toward my goals and it is oh so close. One day very soon...probably in this next week I will we squeeling gleefully that I am finally under 200. It could happen tomorrow or Sunday, maybe next week. It will happen. I took a 5 mile walk this morning and was thinking about New Year's resolutions which I hate but if I were to make one it would just be more of a theme I want for 2015. That theme for myself would be..."Make Progress". I have overcome many obstacles this past year and have a momentum in a positive direction so my goal is just make progress. Be better in whatever ways I can as a person, as a friend, Mother, Wife, Daughter, Child of God and continue to take care of me. So just squeak forward. Happy 2015. It's going to be a great year.