Merry Christmas

I went for a long walk today. 5 miles. As I walked I was filled once again with profound gratitude for the changes that have occurred over the last year. I decided that the greatest gift I could give myself and my family was this change. I feel so blessed. I had some friends over on Tuesday and we were talking and they asked me when I feel at "peace". I said I feel at peace when I take my walks. I know that each and every step I take is only possible because of the strength I have been given through my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have been shown so much mercy when I have goofed up and stumbled. I feel so grateful when I walk each and every time. This gift of health and change has given me a new beginning. I like this one best of all my presents. :) I will keep on using this one for sure.

202.8 Today....

68.8 and I am wondering if I will see the a 1 in front of the numbers by first part of January. It is a possibility. I hope so anyway. I was walking the other night and thinking my "deep thoughts" as I often do. I remember when I lost so much weight before and then turned around and quickly gained it back again. I tortured myself over the years with looking back at this blog and other places at pictures of the very thin me. I was asking myself as I walked how I am going to make sure that never happens again. How do I make sure when I reach my goal can I maintain my goal. First, I think I need to be realistic. At first my goal was 160 and while I believe I can probably get to 160, I also believe I will be outrageously thin if I do. So 170-175 is probably more in an area that would be healthy, and would be a great healthy weight that I'd look good/feel good and would find a place I could maintain. Then I think about flexibility. I know I need to move toward an area of flexibility in my eating. Right now I can't because of this elimination diet but once this 4 weeks is over with, I need to work harder at making dinner that not only my family eats but I can eat. Many times I eat something different than they eat. Again, that is not a realistic way to live for the rest of my life and it can get to be miserable. So blending and finding flexibility and more creativity. It would probably solve a big issue of the "what's for dinner Mom" question that comes up constantly. Planning ahead, buying ahead and perhaps even preparing ahead would help eliminate some frustration. My family can benefit from healthy eating. They ate better before, and they can certainly do it again. I also believe that I could benefit from counseling. My weight is not just about overeating and lack of exercise for years. It is other things and I need to work out those kinks so I can stay on track and find tools to stay motivated. I blog and this is my way to record my thoughts and feelings. It is one "tool" I use. I walk. I wear my exercise clothes more than I wear regular clothes because they remind me that I need to get out and get moving. I do a lot of little things on my own but some insight and guidance from someone else might be helpful.

Baking...Baking....Baking....

I can't believe I have gotten in to the spirit of things and actually baked and baked! I still have peanut butter balls to coat in white chocolate and chocolate, and pretzel rods to dip. I realize that even though I am not partaking in these delights, I still need to keep up with the holiday traditions. The kids have enjoyed having the cookies around to munch on too. That makes me happy. It has been a good and weird week. I had a Dr.'s appointment early in the week and he suspects I have something called "IC" which is a bladder issue. So I have been put on an "IC elimination diet" for 4 weeks. It sucks. Once my bladder is calmed down then we will add things bad to see what it is that is causing the issue. I have a feeling it is going to be chocolate, artificial sweeteners, coffee and anything else that I really love. I will deal with it though if it gets rid of the bladder issues. Friday, I took my daughters shopping and for grins I went in to Victoria Secret to find out what size bras they carry. One of the associates there talked me in to a "fitting" and I was stunned to see I can wear Victoria Secret bra. STUNNED!!!! Then I went in to the GAP and tried on a size 14 pair of jeans and they fit. Of course I shouldn't have been too shocked because I was wearing a pair of size 14 pants to begin with. Things are going well. I have this way I measure my progress and it is silly but it kind of goes like...I know I have lost more weight because they finally use the regular blood pressure cuff on me. I can now wrap a towel around myself completely with no gaps. These are some little things but they are HUGE victories! GIANT ones. Tonight I did something that I haven't done since living here. I went for a night time walk. The day caught up with me and I needed to walk so I put on my reflective vest, and my headlamp, and grabbed a flashlight and went out. It was really calm and peaceful and I am so glad I went. What a difference it makes and to go without headphones and music and just listen to the world around me. It was amazing. I continue to feel so blessed. I find strength from places I didn't know I had it and it comes from above. My family is a huge love and support for me. I am motivated by my desire to overcome my own personal obstacles that have tripped me up in the past and a heartfelt desire to be healthy and capable of enjoying any activity.

66 Pounds Away....

205.6 today. 66 down and many more to go but definitely less ahead than behind me now. It has been such a busy week. I had a great weekend as I completed my first 5K at the Seattle Jingle Bell Walk/Run on Sunday. That was so fun and I did it to honor a dear friend whom I have watched suffer with RA. When she couldn't go any further, her 9 year old daughter and I continued on. I told her little girl that she was doing this for her Mom. It was pretty cool to get to the finish line and remind her that she just walked this for her. After walking the 5K, I decided that I need to push myself harder and perhaps try running again...probably for the umpteenth time so I downloaded the Couch to 5K app on my phone and started it on Monday. My first day was not a huge success as I spent most of my time holding up my pants that were sliding off of me while I was running. Those are no longer going to be worn and will be donated. Today was my second day and it was another interesting day. I found my boobs popped out of my sports bra while running but I wasn't going to stop and fix them so I kept on. I also noticed something in the shoe I have been wearing all day. It wasn't until I got home that I took off my shoe to find a big piece of cardboard with a staple in it. It is as if someone is conspiring against me. I ran anyway...only missed one prompt to run because it was uphill and honestly I just couldn't do it but otherwise it was a good jaunt out today. I told my husband that I have got to work all these "costume changes" out before hand. Make sure my bra and pants fit and there is nothing in my shoes, oh and they are tied tight enough (another problem) before I go. I also went to the Dr. who has been working with me on my bladder issues and I am going to have to be on a special elimination diet for 4 weeks that is going to be really strict and cuts out a lot of things I enjoy. I eat really healthy but this is really going to be crazy for me. Oh well, if it helps the problem and we can figure out what is bothering me...then it's worth it I guess.

It's Wednesday....

I kind of consider this my official weigh in day. So while I weighed in yesterday, I stripped anyway and got on the scale and it was 208.8. I am am so excited to be a "onsie". It is less than 9 pounds away. Awe...I can't explain what just that right there does for my self confidence. I was so depressed about myself and just didn't think I could ever change again. Yet now I am here and it feels great to move these boulders out of my way one at a time. Somedays I feel like I am swimming in quick sand but I get out and I do what I need to and the difference is night and day. I feel so much better because I did it anyway. I am my priority. I am a selfish lady again.

I am getting there.

210 this morning. It has been a slower week but my goal was to get to 210 by the time I picked up my daughter from the airport this coming Friday night. It looks as though I will meet that goal. I am very happy with that. I know things come in waves and I am sure this is my time for that. I have felt kind of sluggish this week. I have been suffering from a UTI. That has sucked. Yesterday I walked 5 miles and the last part of it really was rough. I had to remind myself that I probably wasn't being the smartest since I have an infection. I just feel like I need to push through things. Today it is raining and incredibly windy. We are supposed to get winds of 50-60 mph. That is not optimal for walking so it will be a day of weights for me. Hopefully I won't being doing them by candlelight. :) I keep my eye on the prize and my original "goal" was to be under 200 by the time I was 50. So if I am under 200 by the time I am 49 in mid February, that would be thrilling. If I am being truthful which I always try to be, I would be disappointed if it didn't happen sooner but I know realistically the slower the better. I just have to keep my head in the game.

Holidays and Hurried Days

Tis the season to be so busy and I am doing my best to not feel overwhelmed. I love this time of year but it is so different. I am anxious for the arrival of my daughter as she returns from her first semester away from home at college. I am trying to balance babysitting my grandbaby, and playing cab to kids and getting them where they need to go. In the midst of all that it is darker earlier so making sure I get my walk in becomes a challenge but I get out there but not like I want to. I want the time to walk those 5 milers whenever I want and with days like they are lately, there just isn't the time. Last week when it snowed I was getting so frustrated because as beautiful as it was it was interfering with what I wanted to be doing. I walked in it but it wasn't how or what I wanted. I didn't feel in control. I felt as though I could fall on my face at any moment, or vulnerable. This week will be a week that will feel like I am spiraling and I am going to have to hang on. I have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for my daughter. My eldest is getting her wisdom teeth removed so that means babysitting an adult child. I have a 5K to get ready for on Sunday and I am not finished with all the stuff I need to do for Christmas. Lots of "hurried days" this week. Hopefully, I will stay the course and find plenty of time in there for me. My goals haven't change and I have continued to keep on with what I have set my heart on. I don't plan on changing plans now.

61 pounds. Yow!

I got on the scale this morning and was excited to see it said 210.6. The reason for my excitement was because I have a goal that I am 210 by the 12th when my daughter gets here from college. Then in slowly dawned on me that I have now lost 60 pounds. I had a "no wait a minute moment" and realized, it was 61 pounds...so yay. I am excited about that but really glad that I have .6 pounds to lose by next Friday to meet my next "goal". I feel like that is definitely doable. Last night I went downstairs and worked out with the weights. I cranked up the music and did about 30 minutes working on arms, legs and actually tried some sit ups. I hate to admit that it felt like I just wasn't doing those right. What in the heck is a sit up supposed to feel like. I wish I remembered. I know there is an appropriate way to do them but I just don't remember. Grrr....Guess I need to do that up and do my research. Yesterday, I went out "window shopping" and also to pick up a few stocking stuffers. I had a rush of joy come over me in one store when I realized that all these beautiful clothes I was looking at...I could wear. I could actually buy off the rack. Of course they were way out of my price range but I can finally go in a regular women's department and buy off the rack instead of heading to the 1X/2X/3X section. That is reason right there to make me have such a joyful and happy heart. These are the feelings I want to imprint on my soul and remember so when I am tempted to give up, and throw my hands up and just say "I am sick of this"....to remember. This is really hard. It is hard when my family constantly asks what it for dinner and I am still struggling with hold to mesh what I want with what they want. I need to set a goal to work harder on that and balance, balance, balance that. I am still seperating myself a lot. I just feel like I need to and they are not going to want to eat as many green things and veg things as I feel like I need. I don't eat a ton of salad stuff, I just have more veg's than I eat meat or carbs. I LOVE roasted veg's. Last night I made some ham, and I made them some mac & cheese, but I also made some roasted sweet potatoes dusted with cumin & chili powder, and roasted brocolli for me. I ate just a little ham, a smallish portion of the sweet potatoes but chowed down on the brocolli. During all my running around yesterday I didn't get to "eat" a proper lunch so it consisted of an apple and cheese stick but it was something. I am rambling but I keep this blog of ramblings for me so it's okay. Today is a great day and I am proud of myself for the changes I have made and for how great I feel. I want to live. I want to keep smiling. I want to enjoy my family! I want to be happy. In the end when I get to that "goal"....my hope is that getting there will only make all of that easier. I mean the physicality of enjoying some of lifes pleasures with my family that I have avoided because I was uncomfortable with my size. I want to get there...and keep working to stay there. That will be a "rest of my life" challenge.

I know this is a crazy thing to post a picture of...

But today is December 1st, and this is a picture of my lower half and these are size 14 jeans and I just wanted a picture for a "record". Crazy, I know but I am just curious how long it will take for me to get these bad boys on. We'll see. My hope, it will be January 1, but that will mean a lot of sit ups and I don't do sit ups. Ha!Ha! I guess I better get busy.

On another note, I hate to be a bit whiner but it snowed the other day and it has totally messed up my walking. I went yesterday but I did 2.38 miles. Today I did 3.25 miles but it wasn't my usual fast paced walking because I was too busy trying not to break my neck on black ice. I went because I needed to keep going even though it was 29 degrees outside and scary every other step. I have to keep going. We (as in my my hubby and me) got a weight bench yesterday which is exciting. That is going to allow me to add a whole new addition to my workouts. I just need to figure out a plan.