I feel like I am floating on a raft in a huge ocean...

and I am still fighting...I realise I am still fighting. This entire week...and today being the absolute worst day of all...I am consumed with the fact that the battle in me rages on. People talk about needing to have a good cry...or get their "drink on" or just have a day to "fall apart" for whatever reason. I don't know if it was because I was "out of my element" for a couple of days and that frustrated me or I am PMS'ing...I just can't put my finger on it...but I just didn't handle the week well...which is unusual for me. So I am laying here on my "raft of emotions" trying to decide how I am going to handle this. Part of me embraces the fact that it felt good to "lose control" a little because I push myself so much constantly. The other part of me...hates that I lost control. It dawns on me that this is how it goes...it will always be this way and I have to be prepared for these times and I have to decide how to handle these feelings. Artie used to tell me to acknowledge them. So now I see they are very real. I screwed up! Okay...I screwed up! I guess I could shout it from the roof tops that I ate things I shouldn't have and didn't get to exercise two days out of the last 4...Woopie! I felt a little too close to the "old Amy" today...and I don't like her...but she still exists in me so I have to acknowledge that so I can move past her. I thought I was way past her but she is not as far away as I thought.

Some may read this and wonder why the psycho babel but I have to do this...because these are my disconnected thoughts and part of my journey. I am still mushing through this. I have lost almost 110 pounds, have 15 more to go probably and then whatever plastic surgery removes whenever that time comes. These last 15 are just not falling off...having 15 to lose is nothing like having 125 to lose....so it is so much harder....it's really hard. It's hard to find self acceptance...for all the changes I have made...I see myself through different glasses now...so I am working on being satisfied.

Off to float on my raft of emotions...and stare at the stars....for that is how I feel tonight....a bit tossed and overwhelmed...but blessed all at the same time.

My New Haircut!

I have been working so hard out my body I tend to neglect my hair...so Saturday I went and got a much needed haircut and I absolutely LOVE IT! LOVE IT! I didn't take a picture of the back but it's shorter and layered and sort of funky where I can mess it up and be a "wild chick" if I wanna! LOL

Admittedly, I still catch glimpses of myself and I don't recognise myself. SERIOUSLY! I can't believe it's me! What a difference a haircut makes! (giggle!)

Officially Registered! This is HUGE for me.

First, there are some silly pictures! I have changed so much! It's hard to believe that's really me! I love my niece. She brought me a ton of clothes that she is too skinny for but they fit me perfectly. Now I have the cutest jeans and tops and some of the "hottest" heels. I have just to learn how to walk in them. (giggle!)

Anyway....

Today was opening day for registering for the Chevron Marathon/Aramco Half Marathon. I have been waiting for today and it's here and like a kid at Christmas...I got to register myself for something that I am so looking forward to in January 2010. I will be walking my first half marathon. No, I am not running it. I am not "there" yet. I have no doubt that I will be...but I am not this year...I joking say...maybe 2011, I will run the half, then 2012...I will run the full and then who knows....after than...maybe the Boston. Ha!Ha! I say that jokingly but half serious as well. I believe now anything is possible and for me the sky is the limit. I can do anything I put my heart in.

When I was filling out the online form...it asked me a name to put on my "bib". At first I was thinking of putting something that is so familiar that I use all the time like "kentsgirl" or "jagjaglee" but then I decided all those things though catchy and sentimental....are not just me and me alone....and this is ONE time...I just want to be me. I love my sweet husband with all my heart...don't get me wrong on that... but this time I just want to be out there and just be me! I am going to be selfish...but I want to cross that finish line as Amy Lee # whatever they assign me! :)

108.2 Today

Just Checking In....

106.2 today....Woo Hoo! 3.8 more pounds and I'll be at 110....that's just freakin unbelievable!

Please cross your fingers for me! I am applying for a little part time job at the gym. I would love, love, love to get it! I'd be a greeter at the front desk on the weekends! Just 2 minutes before I saw the sign at the desk I was driving there to work out...thinking to myself..."I would love to work at the gym....that would be the perfect place for me to work" and BOOM! There's my SIGN! It's got to be fate!

So cross your fingers, toes, and every thing you can cross for me...I haven't worked in forever...I just need someone to give me a chance!

Struggling with a "Trade Off"

You know...when I say what I do on here, I am thinking out loud. Indulge me...please. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am just putting my thoughts and the feelings of my heart out there for the universe to see I suppose...because it helps me. It really does. I go back when I am struggling and read and re-read what I wrote and it's a bit of a filter for me. It centers me sometimes when I am struggling.

For instance I am struggling right now a little with my body image. This may seem like the most bi-polar post when I go from previous post where I talk about how thrilled I am with the changes I see in my shape and muscle form....however there is the other side of that....and that is the side that I know I can't do anything about no matter what I do. The part that can only be fixed surgically. It is weird...weird...weird. I was sitting on the bed yesterday watching TV. Lazy Sunday afternoon thing. I looked up and caught a glimpse of myself and was like...Wow! Who is that girl? The face in the mirror...I almost didn't recognise her. I don't look like me....and this good! That's my face though. Take my clothes off...and now that I have lost so much....well....I imagine 50% of the rest of what I have to lose now is loose skin. I pinch at it and pull at it...and wish it wasn't there....and know that it's gonna be there until I have it taken off. I have some that tell me there is no need...Look how great I look...I have come so far...but they don't understand how it feels. I told my husband when I lean over my boobs look like "stalagmites" in a great underground cavern..hahahahahahaha. See I can laugh about some of it...hahahaha. You have to admit that is funny. Anyway....it's just a trade off ....bulging chub for this wrinkled, loose, sagging skin...and I hate it. I really do. I just look forward to the day when I can get this taken care of and be closer to my goal. I want to be at my goal weight for a while before I have any type of surgery because I will be out of commission for a bit and won't be able to exercise for several weeks.

So my ups and downs continue in this journey. It's never been easy and it never will be. I knew that going in to it. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a thread but the point is...I am hanging on and I never let go. Thank goodness I finally know how important I am and sabotaging myself and letting other things control me....well that ain't happening! I am still the captain of this ship! I decide! I choose! I set my course! 104.6 Today....yeah, after my 4th of July folly, a visit from "mother nature" and weighing AFTER breakfast. Not too shabby!

Selfish Lady Sends........

4th of July! I enjoyed myself!

Which means I ate things I normally wouldn't. I ate a rib. I ate some sausage. I ate a little pasta salad made with white pasta. I even ate one cupcake. (covers mouth!) I have to say that the cupcake almost made me hurl! I am not kidding...it was sickeningly sweet and I realized that I just don't miss that stuff AT all. People ask me if I miss sweets and I tell them I don't. It was kind of funny when I had the cupcake to recognize that it just didn't "do it for me" like it used to. I also had corn on the cob...with my diet butter of course...that was a treat! I haven't eaten corn on the cob in over 8 months. Anyway...after enjoying myself I have to shoo away the mind games that want to creep in. I found myself literally pinching my sides not an hour after I ate wondering if I was magically gaining. I got up this morning grimacing afraid to look in the mirror for fear I might look different. THAT is still the battle that rages in my head. I have to be able to enjoy some things here and there and not worry about it. I got to move on. I honestly didn't eat all that much last night but it wasn't the norm so that is why I am a little obsessive about it....and I have to choose not to be. I will wrestle this monster my entire life....it's my reality.

Eating more to weigh less

What a concept, huh? I am learning to listen more and more to my body. Those cues it's been giving me...the "I'm hungry"....well, I have finally been listening. It dawned on me that as my body has changed, so has my metabolism. I haven't had my body fat composition checked lately but I highly doubt it's much compared to what it was when I started this journey. So my makeup now is probably now more lean muscle and it needs something different to fuel it. I have allowed myself a few more carbs...good ones...like some popcorn for a snack last night, or some whole wheat crackers, or two sides of a high fiber bagel instead of one. That seems to be helping tremendously with the scale going down now....103.4 this morning, and it is helping with my energy. I grabbed on of the trainers yesterday at the gym and told her that I want to re-evaluate soon so that I can start building my workouts more about more power lifting and body shaping. I am definitely getting to that point. I am not wanting to be one of those scary ripply lady people....I just want to define my muscles. Come in to my brain for a moment....(scary isn't it...giggle) When I am lifting weights at the gym, of course I am in front of walls of mirrors. I am so amazed now when I watch myself lift or pull and I can actually see the muscles in my arms and the different directions they go. It's a beautiful thing. It really is. To go from chubby, curdley, flabby, yucky, to this strong and defined arm and I can actually see the muscle at work just as if it were popping out of a medical text book. It WOWS me. The same when I work on my legs and I put my hands down on my thighs when I am pushing out and I can literally feel the different directions of the muscles as they travel this way and that, and they are hard and working for me. What a difference...I am so glad I didn't give up on this because I can now see the results and even beauty in it.

Okay, you can get out of my brain now! I told you it was a scary place!

Selfish Lady Sends.....

Random Thoughts

*The scale was stuck...it moved finally....101.4 I was starting to get frustrated....sigh....(wipes brow)

*I can say here since this is my "own private Idaho".....I am sorry Michael Jackson died...as I would be when anyone loses their life but I am so tired of it being the only thing they seem to talk about in the news. I liked his music "back then" but he had his "hey day" and never could seem to get his crap together and lived a weird life and now he is idolized in his death. Look at me...I am even giving him a few lines on my blog....ICK!

*I revealed some big things to important people in my life this week! I was brave! I am proud of that!

*Here's a reminder to myself and to all...."LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH NO REGRETS!" I have seriously decided that I am there....finally....ready to live. I am going to teach my children to leap out and dance into their life and live it to the fullest. I do not want them to ever look back and say... I am full of regret. I have a lot of regrets. I regret that I let myself be so guided and molded by guilt. There is so much good in the world....there really is...so much to be experienced....to see...to do. I have been blessed with amazing, honest...happy kids. I hope that we have instilled in them enough goodness that they can navigate and make good choices when faced with them. I trust them....I believe in them....I honor them by saying....LIVE YOUR LIFE AND MAKE IT GOOD....SO YOU HAVE NO REGRETS!

*I don't know what that long walk did to me...but ever since I have been two things...hungry and tired. What is up with that?

*Lastly...I hate putting a child on a plane to send him/her away to see another figure who has some genetic link that makes it a legal requirement that this said travel take place. I watched that plane's wheels lift off the ground yesterday and my heart lifted out of my chest with it. It's very hard to ever find acceptance of such a situation and share but somehow there is no choice and you do what have to do.

Off to make a healthy meal for the family.

Selfish Lady Sends...