Going to Cali.

I am so excited. I am headed out for my weekend with my bestie, a walk across the Golden Gate, plenty of girl talk and loads of sunshine. It's gonna be awesome.

Good Morning Wednesday.

I am so ready for the rainy season to end here. Ugh.... I woke up early to take my son to school and was greeted by a wet porch which means I have to hope it either clears for a little bit so I can walk...or I walk in the rain. I don't mind walking in mist but rain...well, I am not a fan. I always press on though...right now I am trying so hard to push through so rain OR shine, I need to go. I have a trip this week that will probably cut down some of my walking so I need to get in some miles before I go. I am super excited because I am flying to CA to visit my dearest friend. She is like my soul sister and I love her to pieces. We are wild, crazy ladies when we get together and have great fun. I love her. When I set out on this journey, I made certain rewards for myself and one of them was when I broke 200 pounds I wanted to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge and back. Now the GG is not a super long walk, in total about 3 miles doing the across and back but for me there is something symbolic about it. I have wanted to do this for a long time, and I wanted to do this with my buddy. The amazing, and most beautiful part of this is that my girlfriend has lost 140 something pounds herself (which makes me cry right now) and so we are crossing this bridge together. I can hardly wait to see that lady and give her skinny butt the biggest squeeze. The other brilliant and exciting part is that I have been watching the weather and it is sunny and warm there....oh heaven! I am even wearing shorts there. 5 days of warmth. Whatever am I going to do with that but revel in it. Maybe I will deliberately get a sunburn. Ha!Ha! I did get on the scale this morning because as much as I say I am going to NOT get on the scale...I am still having one hell of a time breaking that addiction. 182.8 which almost has me down 89 pounds. That makes me happy. It means it's moving and in a positive direction. I also feel like I am eating in such a way that works with my family but works with me. Exercise is a HUGE key and keeping my metabolism running at a pace that allows me to have a slice of pizza here or there, or eat a couple of potatoes (not fries, I never eat fries) but just not so rigid. I ALWAYS eat breakfast, have my daily chocolate and don't fret if there is a bowl of popcorn and I grab a handful. It used to be that I didn't allow myself that luxury and now I do. I am working hard to make sure that I can live happily in this world I am creating but I know that daily exercise is going to be the key to it all. When I get back from my trip I am going to explore a "PIYO" class. It is only 2 days a week and I guess it is sort of a yoga type of class but mixed with something else. (body pretzel making. Ha!Ha!) What a description, huh? The timing of it fits really well with my schedule and it might really be good for me and help me fill in a gap where the walking is not meeting all my goals. (cough!cough! muffin top!) I know I need to do more weight training but I just haven't been motivated to hang out in the dark, dreary basement and do weights lately. Would'a, could'a, should'a..... One other thing I really, REALLY need to work harder on is adding more water to my routine. I just don't drink enough water. I drink coffee, I drink Fresca but I don't drink water that much because it makes me feel bloated and my bladder is CRAZY. When I go walk in the mornings usually, I make 3 or 4 trips to the bathroom before I hit the door because my brain and a little bit my bladder thinks there is some drops of pee in there. If I am thinking that when I walk out the door then I am distracted the entire walk and it slows me down terribly. Water makes this worse. I take medicine for it but it doesn't help enough. I am just an old lady. Ha!Ha! Funny thing is....I can go out and shop for hours and not have to stop to pee for a while but if I am out walking....my brain goes to body functions for some reason. Weird.
May 10th, my son and I are signed up to do the Color Run though we will be walking. It's a 5K. That will be a total blast. That is my Mother's Day morning! Fun!Fun! I am also going to sign up for the second Half Marathon of my life which will occur in October. That will be cold and wet I am sure. I will probably walk/jog that one. It is close enough to home that I can get dropped off and we don't have to worry about parking and I can practice some of the route before hand. I am looking forward to working on that. Alright...my day has to start. Loads to do today as I get ready to "go back to Cali" tomorrow. Yee-Haw! For anyone that actually reads this....LOVE YOURSELF and hang in there. Any small effort you make to take back your life is worth it. I promise. It's worth it.

Go...even when you don't feel like it...just go...

It's Sunday and cloudy and just not a beautiful day. I really questioned myself as to whether or not I had a walk in me. I drug myself out of bed...late and begrudgingly put on my walking clothes but my heart was definitely still not in it. I guess I was hoping for an excuse not to go. I ate an apple for some added energy and I decided I couldn't put it off so I headed out. There are days like today that some kind of magic happens and things just seem to swing in a direction I don't expect. It is as if I am picked up by a rouge wave and carried away to a good place that makes me feel like I am successful. Any thought I had of keeping it short, or only going the minimum was shuttered by this great feeling of joy for what I was doing. Yes...joy in walking, in breathing, in moving in getting better. I use a program on my phone called "Mapmywalk" and I don't use it every time (because it uses data) but when I do it is such a lovely incentive to hear the monotone lady chime away the miles. Miles are getting easier and easier to click away and goals are getting bigger. So this post is here to remind me that on those days I don't feel like getting out...get out anyway...just go. I know just like today I will be glad I did.

I made up for yesterday...

I walked 7.75 miles today and it felt great. I was trudging the last mile or so which made me wonder why when I used to walk 7,8,9 and 10 miles when I was getting ready for a half marathon it was easier. I guess the fact that I was 5 years younger might make a difference but the hills really add a whole different dimension to my workout. I made grilled steak, grilled broccoli, and mushrooms for dinner, with a good arugula salad. I hope that long walk will make up for any hiccups in my week.

Keeping my wheels in the track....

There are some days more than others that I feel like I am just squeaking along trying to keep my wheels in their tracks. It can really be tough at times and truthfully I have days that just get away from me but fortunately I always seem to have one that stays firmly planted in there so I don't get too far off course. Today...well, I can't say it was an amazing day. I didn't go walk. I didn't accomplish much around the house. I got on the scale AGAIN, and I am up a pound. I had to eat LATE because my hubby rolled his ankle and we ended up in urgent care. My food choice was border line B.A.D. because it was a cobb salad with bleu cheese dressing. It just wasn't a day to say...this was one for the records. That is okay though. I am still 100% in this. A pound is a pound is a pound. Big whoop! It comes and it'll go. I will have a great walk tomorrow and figure out a awesome dinner. It will be another day. My wheels will get back in their tracks and carry on...and if they slip out as they do sometimes...well, I will re-adjust and get them back where they belong and keep on trucking. That's the only way to do this.

Yes, Goodwill can make me feel VICTORIOUS!

It's the small things really that matter and add up in life. You know I like to save a buck and generally I am a thrifty girl and that is why I like to rehab furniture. Those who really, REALLY know me will tell you that if I see something that is not beyond repair on the side of the road and I have some kind of vision for it...YUP! I am grabbin' it. However, this past week at Goodwill...I was not on a mission for furniture, it was jeans. Now I am a jeans snob and that is mainly because in my pursuit of good jean fit I have found a few brands that are ideal for my body type and they aren't cheap to buy new. So I search them out used and I hit the jackpot last week but the bigger jackpot was that I didn't even look at size 14's. I just tried on 12's. Every pair I tried on fit and I could have melted with joy in the dressing room. This is where I want to be. This is my "comfort" zone and my happy place and my confident area. 12 is my good to be number and so to just be able to find a couple of really cute, GAP jeans for the bargain basement price of $7.99 and they fit, well that is VICTORY!!!!! Totally happy dance worthy. I am in the end zone doing the the chicken dance! Then if that wasn't bargain and cool enough, I am on a site that is a "Buy Nothing" site and I scored a pair of size L, pima cotton Nordstrom PJ's. They kind of look like Grandpa Jamies and I love them. If anything I could probably do a size medium in those but it's all good. I am just bobbing along trying to do my thing, and eat well and feed my grumbling family the same. I get some kickback at times and am trying to find a balance between healthy and regular food. Whatever regular is. I bought a Costco pizza the other night and I ate two slices without a wink. If I am going to be able to maintain my weight I have to be able to do that or I won't succeed. It's is a learning process to blend and balance and find myself somewhere in the middle so I can be happy, healthy and feel like my world doesn't revolve around food. I have been walking and thinking which my norm and reminding myself that this is my new way of life. Taking a daily walk 5 days a week is my normal and it just has to be whether I feel like doing it or don't feel it like doing it. It is kind of like medicine and needing to take it. Truthfully, once I take it...my walk that is....I always feel so much better and am glad I did. There are days I think I will just go for 3 miles but then I get to 3 and decide that I should push and when I do I know there is something in those extra miles that I need to work out. It is physical therapy for me and psycho therapy. There are times I break down and cry for reasons I know about and then no good reason. There are moments I want to just say hello to everyone because I am overwhelmed with happiness and I want to share it. I can only imagine what I leave on the pavement with each and every step I take because my heart gets pretty heavy sometimes but comes back lighter. There are days I wonder if all this weight I have lost is not just body but it is burden lifted. Who knows. I can't stop though and I must keep on and seek the small victories and the little joys.

I caved....

I got up today...Wednesday and tried really, REALLY hard to avoid the scale. I have been sooo...sooo...sooo...good for a week at ignoring it. I have been walking and just being me. For some reason the fact that it is Wednesday set a light bulb in my head and I just couldn't stand it. So I stripped and jumped on with the excuse that I wanted to see if if "not getting on" was really having an affect. So yeah it is. 184.6 now.  I am down 87 pounds and less than 10 from my 175 goal or less than 15 from my 170 goal. I am still floating as to where I am going to go. I also don't know what I am going to do when I get "THERE" because I don't have a shut off switch. I am not going to get to that weight and be able to say "I am done" and stop doing what I am doing. That makes no sense. In fact I am not really doing anything in extremes right now now so it is going to come down to what this ol' body has in store for me but those are my personal goals and what I would be thrilled with. I have been trying to run a little more on my walks. Nothing marathon worthy but sprinting and maybe adding a quarter mile in here and there which makes me feel awesome and is great cardio. This will sound super vain but for the first time in my life when I see my shadow and I am running, I think..."I look good as a runner". Do I feel great as a runner????....not after a few minutes but it is getting better. I wonder sometimes what people see in running. I have clocked my pace and I don't run that much faster than I walk so I don't get there that much sooner but I don't think but it is a workout. My legs start to feel like lead weights after a while. I am going to keep trying and see it goes. I usually do it on flats or down hills. I have not been brave enough to attempt the uphills yet but who knows. The other day I was climbing the "HILL" that I hate and I was amazed at the fortitude I took it with. I place a line in the horizon with my eyes and focused there and just went for that and I got there so fast and with such ease. It is amazing how NOT carrying 87 pounds up a hill can make difference. My 9 year old son doesn't weigh 87 pounds. I still worry and that is not a bad thing it is being aware of gaining it back or losing my footing. We move in just over 14 months from now and that will be to who knows where and will require and complete change in my routine and I have to be able to adjust. That can really trip up a person. So I am trying my hardest to be firm in what I do, and have this so embedded in my life and actually our life that it will all come naturally. I was thinking yesterday as I was on my last few steps of a good 5+ mile walk that I am so looking forward to this summer because I want to get out and hike and kayak and LIVE. Being trapped in a body and hiding from the world and people be it friends, family or strangers is no fun. I have done that because of shame and lack of confidence. I have avoided invitations to parties and gatherings because I didn't know what the seating was going to be and there is nothing quite like being afraid you might break a chair. That is reality, hurtful, painful but truthful. I have wanted to get in a kayak and have admired them but feared my ass was too big and I'd never be able to pull it out if it rolled over. I have watched videos I have taken in the past and I can hear myself breathing...this heavy, heavy breathing. It is so strange not be aware of how this coat of weight takes it toll. I even think of going to activities at my 3rd graders school and cringing at having to sit in those child sized chairs in the classroom and now, I fit right in and am comfortable. I don't know who reads all of this....it's just babble really for me. I put these words out there for me mainly so I can come back when I need to be shot back down to earth. All of this is outrageously hard and painful and at the same time joyful because I am freeing myself. Every word I write is a word of memory or encouragement so when it gets tough, or I want to give up, or I am dropping off the planet....I can come back to reality and center myself. Having an issue with weight is not something I wanted to have as one of my life's battles but it is. It seems unfair to be a great good with a good taste palate, and creative in the kitchen but not able to eat just anything without it affecting my weight. I can use my talents to re-create and build better dishes though that are healthy, hearty and work in a life of living that is better for me and my family without feeling like we are missing out on something. That is an area I need to build on. Lately I have been focused on other things (like chalk paint) and tend to take the easy way out with eating so I have lots of room to grow. My Wednesday blog post ended up so much longer than usual but I am motivated and thrilled with my progress. I don't see a finish line because there is no finish line. There is a place a place of comfort where I hope to find myself and ease into and stay forever and live my wild and crazy life with my family in a very active way differently than I have been for the last 49 years.

Size 12's and a very dirty mirror and other things...because it's Wednesday.

I have been eyeballing these pants at Old Navy. They are called Pixie cut and they remind me of old style pants worn in the 50's and 60's. My sister sent me a gift card for my birthday so this what I went for. I got two pair and am thrilled that the 14's were just on their way to big so it had to be the 12's. Very comfy and something besides jeans....yay!!!!! Please forgive the very dirty mirror in my daughter's bedroom but alas it is the only full length one in the house and I was too lazy to clean it.

 



So today is Wednesday and I have some things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. First all, just for records sake my weight on the scale was 186.6. That leads me to what has been on my mind. I have had a serious obsession with the scale for a long time. In many ways I feel like it keeps me on track. In other ways I feel like it makes me loose my focus about "me" and my purpose in doing this and it becomes all a number and less about taking care of me, and enjoying life, and doing what is good for body and soul. I was driving around talking to myself yesterday because I am my best counselor and we had a conversation and I thought about a challenge. I asked myself if I could put away the scale for 1 month not to see how much I could lose in that month but to see if I could break the cycle of obsession. Can I paint a picture? Every morning I get up and go in the bathroom, go pee and then I strip to nothing and I pull the digital scale out and balance it between the tiles. I get on it and look and then I get off. Then I get back on it two or 3 more times at least. Some days I move it around the bathroom just to be "sure" it's right. This is every morning. Once I feel confident that I have the accurate weight, I get dressed again and get on with my day. That's no way to be....every, freaking day.

 

I told myself when I started this journey that I wanted it to be about a change in my life, about a change in the way I took care of my health, my family, my focus and I was/am looking for a "feeling" and not a number. Well, I have a number stuck in my head right now and that scale is the key to it . It is my ball and chain right now. I feel amazing and I am not right where I want to be but oh so close. If I can just stop this cycle now and get on with life then perhaps I can ease down to where my "goals" are in a gentle way without being so psycho about the scale.

 

My challenge for myself is...and this will be harder than any food/exercise challenge is to stay off the scale for 1 month. It is Wednesday, March 4. I weighed. So my goal is not to get back on the scale again until, Wednesday April 1. Again, it is not so much about how much I can lose in a month though I want to...it's about breaking a cycle and liberating myself.