Saturday, October 29, 2011

Today I walked...

It was the first time in forever...

It saddened me at first because I felt defeated and angry that I was starting over. I kept saying to myself...I remember this...I remember that...I remember when I walked 4 miles...I remember 6 was easy...I remember 7 was easy...I remember not being able to stop. I don't know why I stopped but the fact of the matter is that I did. I just did and IT IS WHAT IT IS. All the self defeating and anger and what ever negative feelings I can muster up now won't change a thing in the world...I stopped and what happens when you stop? You start over again or you just sit there and well, you fall apart and eventually you die. That is the short of it.

I am not exactly sure what I am reaching for but I suppose it is just some momentum forward. Movement in a forward direction and away from the stagnation I have felt for a really long time. With the struggles that have been happening within the walls of my own little cave and clan...I need strength like I have never needed before in my life. I need personal strength, physical strength and I need spiritual strength. I need to give a lot of this away to my Heavenly Father. I don't think ever in my life have I felt more tortured as a Mother because I feel really helpless and I know the only one who can understand that is my Heavenly Father. He truly must feel helpless as he watches all his children screw up when he has given us all we need.

Part of me asks what does this have to do with my "journey to changing my OUTSIDE"...well, I can't change anything outside unless I also change what is going on the inside. That is a work in progress as well.

So when I went on my walk today I sat on a bench by the water and silently prayed and let the tears fall. I asked that I find the strength to rise up against the waves that may crash against my family and be willing to do whatever it takes to be that lighthouse to them.

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