Happy Halloween! It's a "Boo-tiful" Day!

I bought candy that I knew I'd have no desire to eat! How awful is that? Wicked! That is how awful. Actually I think it is pretty smart of me. I have decided that the quickest way to eating something is to have it available so if you are afraid you might eat it, don't have it around.

I discovered something really good this week that is good for a chocolate fix! I found it at Target actually. It is called "Lavish Dark Chocolate Old Fashioned Instant Oatmeal With Flax". It is one of those tall skinny boxes with 5 pouches in it. It has 160 calories, has 3 g of Fiber and 12 sugar grams, and 3 of protein. So if I add a non fat vanilla yogurt with that in the morning, it's not a bad breakfast AND...it chases my chocolate beast away! So that makes me happy. It is warm and has little bits of chocolate morsels that melt in your mouth so it's quite tasty.

I have a crazy week so I had to sit down and figure out a menu that would work around Halloween, Church for the kids on Wednesday and my son's birthday on Thursday. (he is 6 and has declared he is having breakfast for dinner along with a giant sugar cookie) and then I will not be here on Friday or Saturday for I will be off in Aggieland finishing a wedding cake and enjoying a wedding. My entire week will involved working on this cake.

It is also a bit hard to work on a menu when I feel like at times I am swimming a bit up stream with the kids. I have one who doesn't like beef or pork or ground turkey. I have those who get sick of ground turkey and chicken all the time. Then I have the few who go ewww at ground venison. There is me who needs to lower her cholesterol and so I really need to avoid the beef as much as possible as well as pork or other cholesterol rich foods. Tough call huh?

Oh well, beans, beans, the magical fruit! They can eat them...and they can...keep eating them if they don't like whatever meat I cook! Ha!Ha!

Off to grate carrots, and start baking...and baking...and did I say? Baking? :)

Today I walked...

It was the first time in forever...

It saddened me at first because I felt defeated and angry that I was starting over. I kept saying to myself...I remember this...I remember that...I remember when I walked 4 miles...I remember 6 was easy...I remember 7 was easy...I remember not being able to stop. I don't know why I stopped but the fact of the matter is that I did. I just did and IT IS WHAT IT IS. All the self defeating and anger and what ever negative feelings I can muster up now won't change a thing in the world...I stopped and what happens when you stop? You start over again or you just sit there and well, you fall apart and eventually you die. That is the short of it.

I am not exactly sure what I am reaching for but I suppose it is just some momentum forward. Movement in a forward direction and away from the stagnation I have felt for a really long time. With the struggles that have been happening within the walls of my own little cave and clan...I need strength like I have never needed before in my life. I need personal strength, physical strength and I need spiritual strength. I need to give a lot of this away to my Heavenly Father. I don't think ever in my life have I felt more tortured as a Mother because I feel really helpless and I know the only one who can understand that is my Heavenly Father. He truly must feel helpless as he watches all his children screw up when he has given us all we need.

Part of me asks what does this have to do with my "journey to changing my OUTSIDE"...well, I can't change anything outside unless I also change what is going on the inside. That is a work in progress as well.

So when I went on my walk today I sat on a bench by the water and silently prayed and let the tears fall. I asked that I find the strength to rise up against the waves that may crash against my family and be willing to do whatever it takes to be that lighthouse to them.

I just realized it was a year ago...

That I tried to get back to this...wow. I was looking back at my posts and I tried to get back in gear a year ago but didn't. Is it the "time of the year"? Who knows. What a time to re-think health? Halloween Candy? Pumpkin bread? Pecan Brittle making time...and I am making a wedding cake so lots of gooey cream cheese frosting is about to abound. All that has not got to matter much to me because I figure all of that is all about life and that is what we live in. I can't take myself out of reality. So realistically I live in it but eat better.

I had a long day yesterday and found myself unloading and loading the dishwasher at Midnight! Any other time I would have NEVER been doing that. Afterwards I took a shower because I still had the energy and really wanted a shower and I thought about something...in just 5ish days of eating better...I FEEL TREMENDOUSLY better. My energy level is up 75%.
That is awesome!

So it's Saturday, plenty to do...Mom Taxi has her routes planned out, as well as a wedding cake to plan out as I will be a baking fool next week. I also need to make meal plans for next week. It does take more thought and planning to figure out meals that are more nutritious.

Much to do...

My fingers can't find a title...

Uh...such an emotional week but it ends well for me with regards to my efforts to eat better.

I believe since my shoulder surgery in July I have dropped almost 20 pounds or pretty close to it. So that is a good start. My "goal" is to lose about 50 is more (just less that that) by the time we leave this summer for Seattle, so that gives me 7 months. I think that is plenty of time.

I have felt emotionally drained this week. I have felt drained for at least the last 8 months but more so for the last 6 months. It has felt the like the forces of darkness and evil have been trying to really harm my children and I am not okay with that. As a mother I will take any blows the world can throw but I ask that my children be spared...but I am learning I cannot shield them from everything and that really hurts. I want to protect them from everything and take all the pain but unfortunately I don't have the power to intercede. That fact has caused me so much heart ache. It wasn't until I held my very first little girl that it dawned on me in one moment that I finally found someone I would die for. I would give my life for my children. I don't know that they will ever know that until they have their very own and then they will "get it".

I started somewhere....

I went to the Dr. last weeks so I could get a physical. It's the way it all began before. This is the best way in the world I believe in my heart anyone should start. I have to know where I am in the "grand scheme of things". Yesterday I got a call back that my cholesterol was high...(imagine that) and my thyroid is low (go figure). This afternoon he wants to meet with me to go over my treatment options so I can work on these things. The cholesterol is an easy fix for me. I have done it before...I can do it again. I know how to fix that. The thyroid is a different issue...there is only one way to deal with that and I guess I need to finally step up to the plate and take the medicine they have been trying to get me to take for about 3 years but I have avoided it. I take enough meds as it is. I guess one more won't hurt. At least I am in the good habit of taking meds. :)

This week I starting my journey once again...fiber, fiber, fiber and did I say...fiber? I don't think I have had any red meat but it's only Wednesday. I have been drinking more water and am more aware of the little things I am doing. So I am beginning ever so slowly...creeping my way back in the saddle...

I don't even know where to begin....

Perhaps tonight isn't the right time because I am filled with so many emotions for reasons I can't share. Once upon a time though and not so long ago this was an amazing sounding board for me. This was my journal of sorts and it helped me move forward and I accomplished some things I didn't dream imaginable. I did something that I cried out, shouted from the roof tops that I wouldn't do again...I gave up on me. I stopped DEAD in my tracks. It was as sudden as I started.

I have started other blogs but they go no where. I decided this was the right thing to do. I needed to go on with this very one. The one that started it all for me.

I used to be very careful about what I said because though I write my thoughts mostly for me...I have friends and family who check in on me. I didn't want to offend someone if the RAGE in my head and my heart translated in to my words. I have decided that I can't no longer do that. If it is what I feel and what is flying through my fingers...then it is what the world will see. This is who I am and I make no apologies for my language up front. It is what is.

Do I have a plan tonight...NO, as I said...way to much going on for me to think clearly but I needed to start this. I began a few days ago when the world stood still and I got interrupted.

This is a start though...just a start.