A week from today....

I will be recovering! Woo Hoo!

I seriously feel like I did when I was a little girl the night before Christmas. I didn't imagine I would have all the excitement, butterflies and energy of heart that I have about this! I was talking to a friend today with whom I'll be riding downtown with to the starting line. Just talking about the logistics of that morning gave me chills. It's becoming very real to me.

I don't think I can put in to words the intense feelings I have about this. It is so hard to explain but for most of my life I have thought in terms of "them" and "me". I looked at the group of people who worked hard to accomplish things like this and set myself aside and said "that will never be me". I thought I couldn't do this, I have thought I couldn't do a lot of things. So now I am just so overwhelmed with emotions and pride and gratitude to a very loving family, and Father in Heaven who have lifted me up and beyond my inabilities. I have on my play list the Whitney Houston song..."I Didn't Know My Own Strength" and when I am walking for miles and it comes on...it washes over me. I didn't know I had it in me but it was there all along. I am so glad I found it. It has never been about being a size 8, or wanting to be as "thin as my high school days" because frankly now I am smaller. It has been about discovering me and changing me for the better. It's about climbing mountains, or moving them or doing whatever I set my heart on because nothing is impossible. Nothing is impossible for me or for anyone else. HARD....oh HELL YES! Impossible....no.

So I walk just a few miles a day in preparation for the Half Marathon and it gives me time to think about "what's next." I said I am the golden scissors as the ribbon cutting ceremony and the finish line next Sunday is just the "grand opening" to my possibilities. I have decided to do the couch to 5K next. Now I haven't been on the couch by any means but I don't run and waffle back and forth on that. I'd like to try this program and start running and then choose a 5K to run. Next year I plan to run, not walk the Houston Aramco Half Marathon. I may even find another half to do before then. Maybe if I am ready I can hit my cousin up and do one with her in the early fall. (Clare if your reading this! wink!wink!)

Thank you a thousand times over to all my dear friends who pop in and read my random thoughts. I love all of you and appreciate the support be it silent or written. Please keep a little prayer in your heart for me next Sunday that all will go well and pray that I won't flood the streets of Houston with tears of JOY!

A countdown begins.....

Until race day....January 17Th and I am siked! I got my confirmation email yesterday with my bib number and I got all teary eyed! It's becoming very real to me! Even as I type this I giggle and then get teary eyed! I am going to do this! Wow! I just never dreamed!

I tie dyed a shirt yesterday. It's peacock pink and sunflower yellow and this morning I dropped it off at a graphics place. I am having it fixed up for my race. The front of the shirt will read...."Half Marathon Virgin". The back of the shirt will read...."1 year ago and over 100 lbs. I never dreamed I'd have THIS moment..." It made me teary getting that all taken care of. I fear I may cry the entire marathon...what a site that will be!

Lately I have been playing catch up...with my walks and in my eating, etc. These two weeks leading up to the race are critical that I am ready, rested and have fed myself well. Next week I'll have to work on loading up on more carbs so that I have plenty of energy. I have my concerns about exactly what I should eat on the morning of... but I'll figure all that out. I don't like drinking too much because that makes me have to go to the bathroom and that is distracting. I know they'll have stations along the way where I can grab water or Gatorade if I need it. I hope it's not freezing cold...40's...please...that would be nice.

I was asked to write an article for a health and fitness magazine. It's supposed to be in the Feb. issue. I had my reservations about doing it because I don't consider myself a "buff" girl or having perfected my body. I said yes, then no, then agreed to do it but gave them the option not to use the article. So we'll see. It was a struggle to write because it had to be about 600 words and I am NOT the queen of "short on words". ha!ha! I left many of the details out.

What a huge struggle this has been...continues to be...but I am in it 100% no matter my mess ups, gains, losses, stumbles. I am committed to living a happy life and enjoying the amazing changes that have come as a result of all this hard work I have done.

Selfish Lady Sends....

Oh what fun...

Thoughts....

I was laying next to a very grumpy 4 year old tonight as he tried to go to sleep. While musing the whole situation with him and his "attitude" I had a few thoughts of my own. He is such a stubborn kid and very impetuous like someone else I know. Gee, wonder where he gets all of that from??

I let my mind wander back to days probably in early January or February of last year when I was out walking and it was so hard to keep going. I remember when I thought 2 miles was amazing! Shoot, 30 minutes was amazing! It wasn't easy but it was challenging and I was doing it. I pushed through what was hard for me. Now I am at this spot that I am struggling with and was picturing myself standing in front of a huge black wall...It is THAT which keeps me from moving ahead and somehow, someway...I have got to find that "girl"...the stubborn, impetuous girl and tell her to kick that sucker out of the way...because I have things to be doing. I don't have time to be stuck in this mire I am in. I am not giving up...I am not! That half marathon in January is going to be unbelievably hard now because I just did an absolute "stand still" but the "old Amy" would say..."give up...you can't make it." I know I CAN! I may be dragging my ass across that finish line and the only faces I'll see are the ones I treasure the most left at that crossing...but I am going to finish and I am NOT GIVING UP! I am doing this. Screw the "t-shirt"...it's about finishing the race I started.

Selfish Lady Sends....

Floating on my back...

...in the ocean...looking at the stars feeling very lost. That's how I feel lately. The motions gently pick me up and down but I am drifting and not really going anywhere but the water creeps over my face sometimes and it startles me and I feel I might drown. I tell my husband the "mist" is at my door. That green, glowing scariness that has found it's way to the threshold of my life at times has returned and I feel overwhelmed. This one is a doozy. Depression is an evil thing and I wish so many times that it had a physical form so I could face it, stare it down, stab it, beat it and destroy it. It doesn't work that way unfortunately. I have to go through the motions of my every day existence and pretend to be okay when it seems those moments of utter failure sweep over me more and more often and I feel so alone. My only saving grace is that I know this passes...it always does but then I wonder how much damage I do to myself while I am waiting for that to happen...just how much self destruction emotionally and then physically (because eating well and exercising are so far off my radar) will I do while this thing is here.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.........if only there were magic pill. Something to take and make it all better and make life amazing and "centered" all the time. That's not the case...this is my "cross" and always has been. I am blessed to have an amazing husband who is a light in my darkness who is a patient man when life is sucking me under. I don't wish he really understood because that would mean that he too has some taste of this but yet...if only he knew the great pain in my heart at times that I wish I could just give away and never have back.

Putting it out there....

As we lay down the other night my sweet husband asked me how I was doing on my half marathon training. I told him it was slow...BIG understatement. I then proceeded to tearfully pour out my heart to him. I think I am a bit burnt out and wishing that I could just be this person right now and be done with this battle. I am so tired of fighting. I wish I could be this weight, wear what I want to and cook what I want to and bake and do all those things I love without this weight loss battle being the center of my universe as it has been the past year. I have people tell me I inspire them, I am their hero...etc...etc...etc... I don't want to be any of that. I just want to be AMY. I just want to be the girl I have always been...me. I don't want my life to be all about this anymore BUT...there are somethings in this world we aren't given a choice about...and the "battle of the bulge" is one that I was dealt by genetics, or whatever...but it's NOT going away ever no matter how thin I get. I am trying to muddle through finding some compromise...a place where I can exist and stay here but not be so constantly overwhelmed with trying so hard. There is just no way around the fact that I have to exercise regularly or my body suffers. I have gained some of my weight back and my 12's are tight! I told a friend of mine that I will go naked before I buy a larger size. I am just NOT going to do it. I also have to continue to eat right. There are parts of me still that I don't mind the few pounds I gained because it beats the sagging skin...like I have some boobs now...sorta...and a butt...but not diggin' the little muffin top thing! Where is that magic wand? Don't I wish I could say..."okay fat...fill in a little here but not there...and oh yeah..over here but stay away from there." LOL

This time is still so different than any other time in my life because I am not a fat girl anymore...don't feel like one and refuse to go back there. I just need to remind my hand of that when it picks up things and goes searching for my mouth. Ha!Ha!

Selfish Lady Sends.............

Struggling Along

I have been floundering and looking for a reason. It's like standing in a giant, empty whare house that echos calling out..."reason....reason....where are you?" "I have to find you so I can get back on track". I was sitting here earlier and of course so many things go through my head constantly but something just filled me up with strength and pushed me out the door. I feel 100% just because I got out and did what I needed to do even though I didn't feel like it. I will admit...I woke up and dressed for it as I always do but I was hedging a little. I went for a good walk and actually ran quite a bit. I was amazed at the ease with which I could run. The only issue I was having was with my pants falling off. They slide off every time I run and it gets distracting. I am going to have to find something that actually stays on me...either that or some duct tape.

I understand now and believe that goals are important. Once you reach one...you have to grab hold of another no matter what it is. I have been really satisfied with my weight loss and so let up on myself ALOT. The consequence of that is that I have gained honestly...like 8 pounds. I still fit in my size 12's but they are snug and I don't like that. I also have my half marathon in 2 months and so 8 pounds is not going to make me lighter on my feet by any means. Before I had this number...and then I got to this size that I really love. I love being a 12...not a chubby 12 but a "clothes fit well" 12. I am built in such a way that my large frame and a size 12 are a perfect match. Satisfaction however has gotten the best of me though so I need to whip my ass back in shape a bit.

So I set a goal by February to lose 13 pounds. That will put me under my "happy weight" but set me up well for my half marathon in January. It also gives me something to focus on. Kent and I are also going to do something fun with just us for our anniversary and perhaps it'll make just that much "hotter" for him. ha!ha!

This "place" I am at right now is that scary place I have been before...over and over but NOT giving in to it. I am going to let my strength over take my weakness.

Selfish Lady Sends......

Candles and A Bubble Bath

What a lucky girl I am. Do I say that enough? I got to cuddle Justin last night. I am grateful for the nights he lets me because on the nights I have to work I miss out on those little snuggles. I must have fallen asleep and woke up to someone tugging on my leg. Kent woke me up and when I came downstairs and in our room I smelled the distinct smell of burned matches. I didn't see any lit candles in our room but soon found a bathtub filled with hot water and candles all set up for me. What a great guy! After a day of baking all day long. (114 cupcakes, coconut cream pie and 3 homemade whole wheat pizzas) I was wiped out tired! He's a keeper!

By the way...cupcakes went to my daughter's school for a dinner-fund raiser, the coconut cream pie went to a friend and the pizza was for our family! It was really good pizza too if I don't say so myself! :)

Selfish Lady Sends...