Sunday, July 21, 2013
I CAN'T
I stood yesterday in the shower and cried....I just cried. I am THERE. I am at that point I did not want to be but have found myself....AGAIN.
It's not the first time....or the second time...or the third...I crumble but I know deep within my soul I must find the ground for which I must set my feet upon and stand once and for all.
I have come back to my original blog, the one where I drew my greatest strength and where I "did my best". I need to finish this story. I have to break down the wall I threw up once and for all. This has absolutely nothing to do with looking a certain way but everything about beating demons that I have wrestled my entire life. It is also about deciding that it is okay to be comfortable and to love myself and have confidence in my appearance. I do deserve that. This is about not hiding in flesh from what I fear. It is a coat I must forever take off, the healthy way. I want to live, and be all that I know I have within me to be.
My knowledge and the fact that I have seen myself do this before proves I am capable. It is finding the personal strength to fight the tendrils of doubt and despair and "I don't wannas" that get me.
Doing what I am doing right now....PUTTING THIS OUT HERE....This very, very personal blog that some have seen and many have not is my way of literally turning myself inside out a bit. This does help me because I can clear my head and if I feel like some random "Joe" hears the clanking of my thoughts then that is something. I moan and groan and go on about nothing but it helps me and that is the point.
Why is this post titled "I Can't"? Well, because I have felt a lot of that lately as my body is feeling all the crappy effects of carrying more weight that it should. Recently a good friend posted a video that I have seen many times before that inspired me once again and reminded me I CAN.
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2 comments:
I like your blog Amy. I hope that you continue it. I remember when you were training for that marathon/whatever they called it. I was thinking to myself, She's Nuts!.....Your daily posts of your training was crazy. Then you posted all those pics any heck I was proud of you! I hope to do the same, before its too late. It just creeped up on me, 30 years of plumbing have taken their toll. I told my wife the other day, "I've had a paying Job since I was 14!" Almost all of it laborous(sp). My weight for me just creeped up since I got married 27 years. ago. Its not a reason, just a fact. I weighed 155 when I got married. I'm now over 300. I dedicated my life to family, to provide a lot of what I didn't have. My body is paying the price, I have the scars and arthritis to prove it. Now our children are grown, the youngest leaves for college in a few weeks. My wife and I are gearing up to rediscover ourselves, what do we do? No Scouts, baseball, basketball, soccer, kickball, track, awards assemblies, no registratrions and special events. Its gunna be different........but we also know "We Can!"
Thank you Rudy. I have decided "baby steps". The biggest mistake I made before was going too fast and thought I thought I was Happy...my brain never caught up to my body. I have a family to live for, a new grandbaby on the way to live for...Heck....I have ME to live for! Isn't that how it is! Life is much to short and if we aren't careful...what we had the power to change will be "controlled and changed for us" in an instant. I don't want that. I am sure you don't either. Much Love Friend.
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