I thought I would start a new blog but I changed my mind. I will pick up where I left off. I have gone back to old things, old ways, and I need to look back and figure out what happened. This blog is mine and at times it might seem very RAW and I apologize if that offends. This has been a journal of mine that has proven to be a great source of strength. If it helps another, then that makes me feel even better.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
And today...I walked....
I guess what they say about the first step being the hardest is true...because it was. It definitely didn't start out that way today but ended as such. I put on my new duds, tied my laces, had a protein snack, some water and set my phone to tunes that I knew would inspire me and I put my feet to the ground. Surreal is probably an understatement because in the beginning it was easy...too easy...because it was downhill. Ha!Ha! Then the challenge came and my thoughts wandered and the emotions flooded me all at once and I was overcome. I didn't expect it. I didn't expect as my shins burned, and my arches crawled for this wall of memories and anger and so many thoughts to wash over me like the swells of an angry sea. I continued to walk but as I was trying to choke back the tears I felt like if someone passed me on the way they might think I was in distress. As I looked up the hill that I found myself at the bottom of it almost felt as a hand rested on my back and gently pushed me on. "Why did I do this to myself?" "Why am I here again?" "I promised myself after all my hard work I'd never find myself having to fight this hard but yet here I am". BUT HERE I AM....and I have to fight. The hand pushing me forward...may be that of my Savior...that of my family...that of that little spirit in heaven waiting to come join our family in January for which I will be blessed to be Grandmother to. Whatever the case may be...I know I have to fight up the hills, ride the angry swells of the sea and get through this. I walked back through the woods and sat for a few moments to collect myself before the last leg home and silently prayed. Regardless of my lack of occupation on a church pew on Sundays, my faith in a loving Father in Heaven is strong and I know that I need him now more than ever.
I also need to believe in the fact that this is a one breath, one moment, one bite, one step, one decision at a time in my life. Why am I here I again? Because I messed up? However...the truth is....I DID IT BEFORE! I DID IT BEFORE! That means I can never say I CAN'T DO THIS! I can't use that excuse. I know I CAN. I have seen it! So burning shins, aching arches, hills, mountains, whatever I have to do...I can do it. I have it in me.