Yes...yesterday WAS good!

Now to move on today.

When I opened up my blog the song "Amazed" was playing. That is "our" song. Kent's and mine. That is actually the song that I walked out to when we were married. Logan was only 2 and he pulled me out of the room where I was waiting to come out when it was time. I have sweet memories of that day! It is awesome to still be completely melted by the one you love and to have each day get better and better. Sigh.... I am such a sap!

I am baking 8 dozen cupcakes today! How's that for a health conscience persons nightmare! It's my contribution to my daughter's spaghetti supper at school for the band. It's their big fund raiser. I have to work tomorrow night so it's the least I can do. I am making 2 doz. lemon, 4 doz chocolate, and 2 doz. vanilla cream.

Is it awful to say that I am not completely upset with the few pounds I gained? I just wish I could distribute it better. I love that I have a little back in my boobs! Check! Filled in some of that awful saggy skin on the butt! Check! I just don't like it at my waist...it's just a little bit...nothing major. 5 pounds now makes a huge difference though...on my smaller body. I told my daughter that I am at this happy weight and hate the skin so if it's filled in some it doesn't hurt my feelings so much. I have no idea when the day will come that I can afford plastic surgery but I definitely look forward to it. There are some things I just don't know which I'd rather have...loose skin or fat... Okay...I know I'd take the skin but it's just well...I can't stand it honestly. I go up the stairs and I can hear my arms flap at my sides, or if I don't have a bra on...I hear my boobs flap, or my legs. This happens when I run. I hear it...I am sure no one else does but it's embarrassing.

Oh well, baby steps. This is all part of the process. Good and bad. Forgive my candor on here but I am all about "reality"!

Selfish Lady Sends........

Today...so far, so good...

There have been too many bad days lately so I am cheering today for a GOOD day and telling myself it better stay that way. I also had a great walk this morning. Fortunately my hip didn't bother me too much. I stretched out pretty good before hand so I think that helped out.

Lately I have been having silly thoughts. The holiday party for my husbands work should be coming up next month and I am actually excited at the prospect of going. I was looking online at "little black dresses" and daydreaming of black heels. I can actually go and buy a dress off the rack in the regular department and that amazes me. The picture I posted yesterday or day before was a Christmas party for his work I believe so very long ago. (2000 maybe) I think I found a "stretch velvet" skirt at Walmart in size extra-extra-extra big and hoped it fit. I borrowed jewelery from friends and did all I could but still felt so diminished on the arm of the man that I adore. It is so sad to feel humiliated to be "yourself" but that is how I felt for years. I am blessed to have the partner, love and best friend in the world that I do in my husband. He has loved me above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He has never, ever made me feel "less than". He has done all he could to make me feel loved and wanted and desired but I can't help how I have felt about myself. I have missed out on opportunities to see him advance in rank because I didn't want to go to his work. I was ashamed to be seen as his wife. I felt like I have this amazing person in him and he just deserved better than he had in me but I couldn't get my crap together. Now...I just want to loop my arm in his and say " Hey, here I am... I am Kent's girl". My feelings of course were all about me...not about him. Those feelings started long before he ever became part of my life and I am sorry that I have felt that way but it's a reality. Now he has this wild and crazy woman to deal with who can't get enough of him or life itself! :) He probably wonders where I have been! (giggle!)

There are ugly memories I have and I don't want to keep them fresh in my mind yet they keep me grounded. Sometimes when I am being really stupid I wonder how I can continue not doing what I know I should when I have these dark stories in my past. The truth is...I have no answer for that. I just know that I now have an attitude of not letting anything overcome or destroy or direct me. It is what it is...acknowledge it's presence deal with it and move on.

My personality has not changed as some may think it has. I just show it now instead of hiding it. So if folks are scratching their heads going..."who is this?"...Well, this is who I am. I have always had a nutty, loud, dance around the room, irreverent, crazy, shoot from the hip personality. There are so many things I have wanted to do with my life/in my life but didn't because "whatever" said I shouldn't. I'll have no more of that! I will stand at the end of my life knowing I lived it! I decided what was best for me and made my own choices. I am a butterfly! Butterflies are free to fly! I have lots of flying to do. I am blessed with an amazing children and an amazing husband who can explore life with! My journey is not all about how much weight I can take off! It's about knowing who I truly am, learning more of my Saviour and trying to be more Christlike in my dealings with others and myself. I want to be a better person.

Gentle Reminders...

Sometimes digging through all drawers I come across something that "shocks" me. This picture would be one of them. It's a reminder to me of where I have been and where I don't want to be. I remember the night very well too. I remember the struggle to find something to wear that didn't make look fat and the hope that I wouldn't look "too awful". Looking in the mirror I had the sinking feeling that no matter what I put on I just wasn't good enough and I hated that feeling. I can't believe that I even posed for pictures and REALLY can't believe we paid for them. I am glad I have them now because they tell me that I HAVE COME A LONG WAY! It also helps me to acknowledge the changes I have made in how I see myself. Sometimes when I look in the mirror...I see the girl in this picture and by that I mean...I see my imperfections. After all this...Wow! I don't have a perfect body! Who'd have thunk! It'll never be but that's okay. I am struggling lately with trying to find a balance with home/work (new job) and being okay with my new body and continuing on my journey. It is really hard and a challenge moment by moment. As I have said before...there is no "finish line"...I will never be there. I am a work in progress and from here until there is no breath left in me...the point must be that I am making "progress" and moving ahead in my journey. I pick myself up...dust off when I fall...and move along. I believe in others...I must continue to believe in me.

Selfish Lady Sends.....

My Mojo....Where's my "Mojo"

If you see it...can you send it home please! It seems to be missing! I need it back!

Pink, Pinkity Pink!

That be my hair! I dyed it for fun! Self expression...whatever YOU WANT TO CALL IT! I was feeling my "inner wild child" so I took it out on my hair. Notice I don't have much hair left and that is because it has been wacked off! I have lost so much hair that my once head of thick, full hair is no longer. In my effort to manage it and attempt to slow down the loss I cut it short! It has helped some but not as much as I would like. I don't know if the loss is due to my weight loss, or what but it has been significant and I hope it stops!

Anyway...I wanted to do something crazy...and this is my "way". I could get crazier but I'll left at this...for now! You never know what I'll do..."cuz I'm cool like that! :)

Seriously...I have waited my entire life to just do whatever the heck I want to...and here I am. Why at the age of 43 years old have I finally give myself permission to be free to do some things is beyond me. Those who love me can take or leave it! That's where I stand on the matter!

New Shoes and Pushing On

I have come to believe this journey is almost like a current in the ocean. Sometimes you have to decide to either kill yourself trying to swim against it or just stop for a moment and go with it. It all goes back to what my friend/councilor Arty told me back in Cape Cod. He told me to acknowledge things instead of pushing them away constantly. Pushing things away and fighting them seems to make them stronger and more powerful. It's the power of resistance. So I have had a couple of crappy weeks and I sit here and admit that I have gained 5 pounds because I just have been letting the current take me and honestly...it has been easier than fighting it. The cool thing is that I KNOW that I am not defeated in that. Before....5 pounds meant 10, meant 20, meant I GIVE UP...HOPE IS LOST....because I was so busy fighting the current or whatever this mysterious "thing" is that I can't see I am fighting. There is no point in that. It is whatever is...and I have decided there will be these moments like this. I have to let them be there, acknowledge them, and then move on.

I was walking the other day and thinking about "The Biggest Loser" and how Jillian gets in people's faces sometimes and tries to dig down as to why they do some of the things they do. Now I am not a million dollar trainer, or councilor or anything else for that matter. So my thoughts on this are just the thoughts of a former fat girl...so take them for what they are worth. I do believe we don't always HAVE a reason. We just do it ... BECAUSE. Doesn't that sound like a child? "Why do you do that?" ...."I don't know?.....just because!" I remember being a little girl and being asked why I was moody. I didn't have a reason for my mood other than being in a thoughtful state of mind at the time. In my mind it wasn't a bad thing but I guess to others perhaps my sudden change to sullen and quiet meant "something was wrong" when in reality that was far from the truth. When I was challenged on "what I had done" or "why I was in such a mood" I would finally just come up with whatever excuse to satisfy the asker. It wasn't really the reason, it just made the person inquiring stop asking. I feel this way about this "BECAUSE" now....perhaps there is not really a reason that is deep and dark and mysterious. I may eat at times things I am not supposed to because I want to, or I feel like it, or I am in a munchie mood. If that is how it is...then okay. I am not saying that I don't want to control this. I am saying that I don't want to beat myself up and throw away everything I have worked for because of it. So I am acknowledging my screw ups. I suck sometimes! But it's okay...I have done amazing things and will continue...and I believe in myself now and love what I do. I love my walking and my exercising and all the feelings it gives me. So I accept my little "bad times" because I am not defeated in any way by them. I am fueled.

I am fueled enough to spend way to much on new shoes. Crazy expensive! I am so excited though to NOT have aching arches and shin splints! My half marathon is 3 months away now and so much to do in preparation for that. I need the shoes to get them broken in for that. The old ones I have have seen me through how many pounds? I think they were worth every penny! I just can't argue with that. Many, many miles were put on those lucky shoes!

I am blessed. There are absolutely now words to describe how I feel. I mentioned a while back the feeling of the wind right before a storm lifting me up and pushing me on. If I could just give you that visual and tell you to close your eyes and feel that wrapping around you and lifting up and giving you the power to go on. That's how I feel so many times. I know it comes from deep down inside me, it comes from the love of my family but it comes from my loving Savior who I know watches over me. I know he knows me, he knows my battles, my weaknesses, my strengths. He knows the whole story in the book of my life and yet he loves me. I am learning to find that same Christlike love for myself.

Lastly...for my sweet husband who I know will be nosey and read this. He always does...
Thank you... You know that as far as I am concerned...you hung the moon, and the stars. You are my best friend and stand by me through it all. I absolutely love being wild and crazy with you. I don't know how it is...the older we get...the wild and crazier we get! Ha!Ha! I guess that means it can only get better! :) How cool is that? Just wanted to remind you...as if you really needed it...that I love you and I am grateful for all you do for me and our family! You're Amazing!

There is NO FINISH LINE.....

It's been a crazy 10 days. I had a stomach bug and it made me feel all kinds of yuck. Then Friday I decided to go for a walk. My intention was to do about 4 or 5 miles and then go to the gym. I ended up doing 10.36 miles because I just felt like I could. I don't usually have days like that. My long walks are planned. I have water, and provisions and I allow myself the time, etc. The one walk just sort of "turned out that way" and it felt wonderful. It made me realize that my half marathon will be absolutely doable. If I had the time I could have done another 3 miles on that Friday and actually done that half right then and there but I needed to finish to get J from school. Then the not so fun hormonal adventures begin which I notice every month throw me for a huge loop. It's like clock work. I seem to fall apart at the same time every month and this one is no exception. I feel like one giant zit, and I don't feel well, not eating well, not exercising well...and crumbling. SUCKS!

Today I decided to pull myself up by my boot straps and go for a walk to my "thinking spot" before I headed off to the gym. I needed to collect myself and though I don't feel that great I knew I needed to push myself. This whole journey has been about pushing myself beyond the limits of what is comfortable sometimes. It was one of those days and I needed the pushing. I was out amongst the trees and the squirrels and the lake and just doing my thing thinking like I do. Sometimes I feel like I wrestle with a great Russian bear. There are other times I picture myself trying to grab bubbles that are floating around me...I can see them and though they are "tangible" I just can't quite get them and if I do...they are fragile and can pop if I'm not careful.
I understand now that there is no finish line. There is no end to this and I think in some small way I am struggling with that. I am trying to find a comfortable place to be where I can not push myself quite so hard but still be where I am at. There is one voice that says I should push myself to still hit that BMI mark of 25 because that is a goal I set for myself and I should at least finish that goal. HUGE part of me says yeah I should but other part of me says...WHY? I am really happy with the size I am other than the stupid skin which I loathe...and if I pushed myself to get to that weight, it would only be to say..."okay I did it" and then I'd want to get back to where I am comfortable which is where I am right now. So it makes no sense at all to do that. It's like I am having to learn how to be able to decide that it's okay to adjust my goals and be happy with them even if they are not as extreme as I thought they were going to be in the first place.

I have had this bad 10 days and the scale has finally shown it. I could rationalize it and say it's because I have a "visitor" but I know what I have eaten AND I know that I have not exercised to my usual the past 10 days. So my visitor is NOT the problem. I have to step it back up to push that back down a notch and put it back in it's place.

I decided started tomorrow just for giggles I think I will actually record my weight on here and do my food diary until I get bored with it! LOL Sometimes it helps to journal and keep track of food intake to re-evaluate what's going on.

Someone recently said to me that they had no idea that I ever had any "down" times with all of this. They thought it was smooth sailing all the time. I had to laugh at that. I fight this just like any one else does and by no means is it easy. My scale can creep up 3 pounds and back down and I can have good days, weeks...and then really bad ones. I hope that none of my dear friends ever look at me and think I was some how propelled straight forward because that would be so far from the truth. I am sure there is plenty of dirt in my nails where I have had to claw and dig my way through the trenches. Coming to the understanding that it won't ever be over is huge for me now. I can't ignore it...push it to the side or say "I'm there" because I'll never be "there". There is no "there" to be. There just isn't this magic line to cross over and say "I'm done". I can enjoy, and find happiness and peace but have a sense of awareness that I must always be in charge of my life, my body and my health. The only way to do that is to know what is going on constantly and continue the huge life changes I have made. There IS NO FINISH LINE!