From what I can tell so far....I am doing alright.

I had the goofiest time on my trip with my parent's scale. If I had gone by what it told me...some days I had lost 50 pounds in a month...(har!har!) and other days it was 40. That scale LOVED me. Ha!Ha! But no, I knew better and I don't know why it was trippin' when ever I got on it. I am happy though to say that when I got home my fears were not right and I did lose. So now according to "MY" scale, I am down 20 pounds. Of course I know that the Dr.'s may be a wee bit different come Friday but I know it is somewhere close. I'll take close. :) I went for a good walk today which felt awesome. It was in the 60's and it felt great to be out walking. I am so glad to be working on me again and out clearing the clutter in my mind. Now to work on the clutter in my house.

Relaxing

I am just sitting here on my parent's porch listening to the locusts and watching the squirrels play chase. My trip has been good for me, fairly stress free and relaxing. It was loads of work hauling all my daughter's belongings in to her dorm in the Texas heat but we got it done.

I have managed to make excellent food choices even in restaurants.  The only thing lacking this week is the walking. It's just too hot here. So Sunday when I am home, the pavement and I have a date. My only hope is that my good food choices have been enough to help me maintain all the good I have done so far.

Leaving for my "Momcation"

So tomorrow I leave for a week away from home. That means eating healthy will take more effort as I know hanging with my folks means more restaurants are involved.  Walking will also be a challenge but I am hoping I can find time. I am taking my shoes. I am holding firm at -16 since the 25 th of July. I don't feel it as in my clothes don't feel loser but I physically feel better.  I struggle to eat through out the day because I am just not very hungry.  That takes effort and I know if I don't eat regularly I won't lose. Grrrrrr. I was feeling some crazy anxiety the other night and went for a walk and it is amazing how much it helps clear my head.  Walking and prayers.

I need to hide the scale and wait a week

This is really bad because I probably should have never put the darn battery in the scale. First thing I did this morning…stripped and got on it. I really did it because when I weighed yesterday it was the middle of the afternoon and I was dressed. Cough, Cough…so that is an excuse…I did it because I wanted to see if it was more and it was. BUT…see this is the neurotic mess I don't want to get tangled up in. NOPE…NOPE… Last night I went on a 3 mile walk. I really had to walk myself up the hard hills. OUT LOUD! This is so much different than walking on the flat little side walks in Texas. I have to push myself up these intense hills here and it is tough. I also feel intimidated by people driving by. My inner self thinks of all the mean things they are saying or the "poor pitiful fat lady" things. I even saw a fire truck go by and wondered if they were going to stop and render assistance. Ha!Ha! I just have to get it out of my head. I am getting stronger. Those thoughts don't give me strength. For dinner I made breakfast. They had bacon and egg tacos. I, on the other had cooked up some zucchini and mushrooms and sweet peppers. I cooked 2 egg whites and then ate that in a VERY high fiber, low carb tortilla. It was yummy. I love those sweet peppers. I had some for a snack during the day with some hummus. Still trying to eat 6 meals a day but it is hard. Trying to drink the water I need to but that is hard also. I know if I lose enough weight, bladder problems will lessen but I think it may be an issue I will have to visit with the Dr. someday. (I had surgery in 1996 and I know it is probably shot after another baby since, and the weight gain) Today, I believe I will drive over to the Grand Forest and do a 3 miler there just to change it up a bit.

Motivation...Why yes please.

Today I finally went and bought a battery for my scale. Granted I can't be sure how it compares to my Dr.'s. But...I got on it and give or take whatever I am over 14 pounds down since I saw him a couple of weeks ago. My goal was to be down 10 by my next appt. I am still 3 weeks from seeing him. So I will say I made that goal. That is pure motivation for me. It just means something is happening even if I can't see it. I know the first part is a lot of water weight but I can start working on the real meat and potatoes. Yay.

Recently a friend Facebooked me and told me she was reading my blog again. How cool is that. Hi Friend! :) I took my little guy to the zoo yesterday and counted that as my walk. I think I could have probably clocked off another couple of miles last night but I was beat. It was hot here. I am really trying to get in to this good habit of walking daily before the rainy/cold season comes. Fortunately, my gift for Christmas this past year was some amazing Brooks tennis shoes with the waterproof liner in them. I am just now breaking them in. I switch shoes around a lot. My feet hopefully slim down a little because they are so wide and I need a little room. I am not miserable but a little room would be sweet. I was talking to my sweetheart the other night that I have a little goal or it's a big goal but it will probably happen next summer. When I get there my "REWARD" is I want to go on a date with him kayaking. I want to go and enjoy it and be healthy and fit enough to not go three rows and be done. I also don't want to be so squished in a kayak that if it rolls I can't pop my fat ass out of it. So that is one of my goals...outdoor date with my sweetheart, kayaking. It's gonna be awesome. Yesterday when I was out, I was faced with "food choices" so at breakfast I simply asked for a scrambled egg white and one piece of wheat toast with no butter. That worked great. I did have a cone at the zoo but not giving myself heck for that. It was hot and I figure it is that non dairy nonsence I am sure it was walked off. On the way home we stopped at Red Robin and I got a Cobb Salad with grilled chicken and a vinagrette on the side. I really just picked through it. I touched my fork in the dressing a couple of times but was pretty careful about what and how I ate. At the end of the day...I felt pretty guiltless but happy I spent time with my son and a good friend and her daughter. Fun times. One thing I have to work on is increasing the water but "tiny bladder" causes issues so that is a balancing act especially when it gets closer to the evening. I have yet to pee behind a tree but don't think I have considered it. I am just frustrated because I keep waiting to feel different. Thinner, clothes looser, something. Is my face thinner, are my arms thinner? Anything? I know I need to stop this because I am making really good choices and decisions but it's hard because those are motivators. I just have to keep reminding myself that part of why I am walking more is largely mental...it's a clearing house time for me. Sacred space all my own to leave my thoughts on the road, and pray and purge and de-stress. No matter what I feel better. I am doing more, moving more and my energy level has improved tremendously. I know things will change physically and I just need to be patient. Walking up those hills that are so hard I sometimes tell myself outloud...."Don't quit right now when it's hard. When it's hard is when it's doing the most good". I know that is true. All the things in my life that I learned the most from happened during the hardest times of my life. I just kick myself still for giving up on me when I was doing so well and had accomplished so much and now and I have to do all this crap all over again and it feels so much harder. Ugg.... My biggest prayer is that I learn from my mistakes this time and go slow, and understand what is going on with me. I don't want to stand in front of a mirror and not recognise that person, freak out and stop everything. I don't want to be frustrated by peoples attention at changes I make. I just want to get used to being me, whomever ME, is.

Well, it was 2.5 today but so glad I went. I got tripped up by my path having a huge private party of dragster cars on it with a slew of people standing around. So I walked a different route and had my husband come grab me so I wouldn't have to walk back by them. Silly but whatchagonnado? :)

Today is one of those days I am dragging. I will push myself the door for a much needed walk. I know I will feel better afterward though I probably won't set any speed records. I was beating myself up the other night because of my distance and pace but then realized I have made such a turn around. Just the fact that I am out and making an effort is huge so no beating myself up anymore. Tonight I made vegetarian stuffed zucchini. It was really good. I also baked off some chicken breasts so I will have some lean protein for the week. I am trying to plan more ahead so that eating for me during the day is easier. (I am a meal skipper) I am also trying to make it easier to keep up with family meals. They are either benefiting or suffering through this. LOL

Continuing to Challenge Myself

The walking continues. Sunday I walked in the forest and did 3 miles and it felt great. Hard, but great. It's very up and down in there. Yesterday I did 3.67 miles. My body is starting to feel like it can be pushed harder but I also want to be careful not to go too hard too fast. My knees hurt, and my feet hurt and my back hurts and well I just sound like an old lady whining. Whaaaaa. I take a dose of Advil a bit before I go. I feel like there is so much I need to let go over, get over and forgive myself for and forgive. That is a big part of what I have been carrying with me for years. Layers and layers of pain that go way back. Trying to pick it off one layer at a time is hard but also not trying to dredge up stuff if it is not surfaced either. What's the point of that. I told my dear sweetheart last night that this walk is such a selfish thing for me right now. It is my time and I am protective of it. It is more a mental hour for me than physical (though I know the health benefits are huge). I get to unwind, process, and pray and just push myself and give me something to feel good about. That makes me happy and clears my head. Sept. 4, I go to my Dr. and it will be a month since I have seen him so it will be interesting to find out if I have lost anything. Hopefully I have. I have gained confidence. :) Onward Ho!